I almost don't know where to begin.
I took down some posts that I wrote after Bear broke up with me.
Why? Because my words affected people he cares about.
I don't know how I feel about it, because in all honesty when I write, it is a form of therapy for me. A way to get out what I am thinking and feeling in that moment. And I do it to showcase what many of us go through when we are heart broken.
The beautiful part about it is the progress you can see from post to post. The ups and downs and waves of emotions that one goes through. And through it all, how possible it is to choose happiness.
What I wrote 3 months ago about wanting Bear in my life, is in no way how I feel now. Wishing to be friends is no longer something I think about or care to have. And yet somehow those words were taken out of context, and affected those close to Bear.
So I took them down. And I don't know how I feel about it.
Maybe one day I'll post them again. (yes of course I saved them) But in the meantime I will keep writing about what life is like on the other side. A side filled with Disneyland days, concerts, seeing best friends become parents, dancing in the rain, road trips, etc.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Happy 4th...
Happy 4th of July!
I love this day, because it's another day I get to spend time with my family, who happen to be some of the funniest and happiest people I know.
Take my mom and dad. The two of them exude nothing but happiness despite every obstacle thrown their way. Each hurdle is looked at as another adventure and together they know they are able to achieve anything they put their minds too. Whether it is fighting colds or for their lives, they do it together and with smiles on their faces. It's quite extraordinary.
The two of them, have always been my heroes. And being able to spend today with them, makes for another beautiful memory.
I love this day, because it's another day I get to spend time with my family, who happen to be some of the funniest and happiest people I know.
Take my mom and dad. The two of them exude nothing but happiness despite every obstacle thrown their way. Each hurdle is looked at as another adventure and together they know they are able to achieve anything they put their minds too. Whether it is fighting colds or for their lives, they do it together and with smiles on their faces. It's quite extraordinary.
The two of them, have always been my heroes. And being able to spend today with them, makes for another beautiful memory.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Versions of Me...
A lot has happened this month.
Some things too emotional for me to post. I can't figure out how to put into words what I want to say, and so I started thinking of another post I've been wanting to write about.
Loving myself...who I am, who I show up as, and what I look like.
It's been a lifelong journey and one that I know I will always have to work at. Just because I love myself in this moment right now, doesn't mean I will continue to do so, especially if I don't work at it.
I am in a relationship with myself. And just like every relationship, this one will take time and energy to nurture and maintain.
For me, it has been easiest to fall in love with who I am and who I show up as to my friends and family. I haven't always been proud of myself in these areas as there have been moments that even I couldn't stand to be with me. I am human. I have made mistakes and I am sure I will make more in the future. But I have learned through those failures and have worked hard at being the best version of me. That is why I love who I am. Because I will never settle for showing up as sub par or less then. I will always strive to be the best version of me possible.
What has been more difficult is loving what I look like. I have been overly critical of my looks and my weight. Until I looked at three different photographs of myself and realized how much I love each one of them...each one of me.
I wasn't always overweight growing up. In fact, I was very athletic. It wasn't until I graduated from HS that I put on weight...41 lbs to be exact. That takes us to my first picture.
In this photo I see the woman who didn't care about weight or a scale. This is the woman that looked at herself and loved the way she looked. She felt sexy and beautiful. She didn't care about what she ate or how much she ate, because why would she when she didn't have a scale to tell her what she weighed. She was also the girl who didn't exercise because she didn't see the need. She had worked out all of her life, and this was the first time she felt no need to be anywhere, go anywhere, or do anything. She was in love. And love was all she felt. For the first time, in a long time, she loved herself, and loved the man she was with.
It wasn't until her weight gain was made known to her that she realized she wasn't being healthy. It was also when she first saw herself as fat, because she now had a number...166.. that defined who she was. And although this was a dark and sad time for her, this also was the beginning of her journey into health and happiness. Which takes us to the second photograph.
A lot led up to this photo. At 112lbs this woman's mom was going though traumatic brain injury recovery. This woman no longer saw life in the same way. Life was now a fragile entity and so to prevent anything bad from happening to her, she controlled what she put into her body and began a workout routine that many would think was crazy. She was the woman who also began her journey of being happy and loving herself. She was the catalyst of where I am today. She was going through a divorce, and at times no matter how much she would eat, she could not gain weight. She was holding on to dear life to not let darkness consume her. She chose happiness over sadness, and love over hate. She smiled when crying was all she wanted to do and she learned what it meant to love again.
And it was that new love that takes us to the last photograph.
This is the photograph of the woman who learned to love again. Who realized she had no control over this crazy life, and so she let go little by little. She gifted herself with not weighing herself and taking a job that would support her with her health and journey of happiness. She is the woman who gives with all of her heart. She is the one who started CrossFit with her love so as to get away from an environment she constantly found herself comparing her weight to others. She is the one who when broken up with, decided again that happiness would prevail. She is the one who continues to weight lift and work hard and remain confident in her own skin. She is the one who says thank you, when someone tells her she looks good. She is the one who loves thick thighs. The one who stands up for herself when others tell her she looks better skinnier. She is strong and beautiful. Her weight unknown.
I am so proud of who I am today, who I was yesterday and who I will be in the future. Loving myself hasn't always been easy. But I will never give up on this relationship and I will always work at being the best version of me possible.
Some things too emotional for me to post. I can't figure out how to put into words what I want to say, and so I started thinking of another post I've been wanting to write about.
Loving myself...who I am, who I show up as, and what I look like.
It's been a lifelong journey and one that I know I will always have to work at. Just because I love myself in this moment right now, doesn't mean I will continue to do so, especially if I don't work at it.
I am in a relationship with myself. And just like every relationship, this one will take time and energy to nurture and maintain.
For me, it has been easiest to fall in love with who I am and who I show up as to my friends and family. I haven't always been proud of myself in these areas as there have been moments that even I couldn't stand to be with me. I am human. I have made mistakes and I am sure I will make more in the future. But I have learned through those failures and have worked hard at being the best version of me. That is why I love who I am. Because I will never settle for showing up as sub par or less then. I will always strive to be the best version of me possible.
What has been more difficult is loving what I look like. I have been overly critical of my looks and my weight. Until I looked at three different photographs of myself and realized how much I love each one of them...each one of me.
I wasn't always overweight growing up. In fact, I was very athletic. It wasn't until I graduated from HS that I put on weight...41 lbs to be exact. That takes us to my first picture.
In this photo I see the woman who didn't care about weight or a scale. This is the woman that looked at herself and loved the way she looked. She felt sexy and beautiful. She didn't care about what she ate or how much she ate, because why would she when she didn't have a scale to tell her what she weighed. She was also the girl who didn't exercise because she didn't see the need. She had worked out all of her life, and this was the first time she felt no need to be anywhere, go anywhere, or do anything. She was in love. And love was all she felt. For the first time, in a long time, she loved herself, and loved the man she was with.
It wasn't until her weight gain was made known to her that she realized she wasn't being healthy. It was also when she first saw herself as fat, because she now had a number...166.. that defined who she was. And although this was a dark and sad time for her, this also was the beginning of her journey into health and happiness. Which takes us to the second photograph.
A lot led up to this photo. At 112lbs this woman's mom was going though traumatic brain injury recovery. This woman no longer saw life in the same way. Life was now a fragile entity and so to prevent anything bad from happening to her, she controlled what she put into her body and began a workout routine that many would think was crazy. She was the woman who also began her journey of being happy and loving herself. She was the catalyst of where I am today. She was going through a divorce, and at times no matter how much she would eat, she could not gain weight. She was holding on to dear life to not let darkness consume her. She chose happiness over sadness, and love over hate. She smiled when crying was all she wanted to do and she learned what it meant to love again.
And it was that new love that takes us to the last photograph.
This is the photograph of the woman who learned to love again. Who realized she had no control over this crazy life, and so she let go little by little. She gifted herself with not weighing herself and taking a job that would support her with her health and journey of happiness. She is the woman who gives with all of her heart. She is the one who started CrossFit with her love so as to get away from an environment she constantly found herself comparing her weight to others. She is the one who when broken up with, decided again that happiness would prevail. She is the one who continues to weight lift and work hard and remain confident in her own skin. She is the one who says thank you, when someone tells her she looks good. She is the one who loves thick thighs. The one who stands up for herself when others tell her she looks better skinnier. She is strong and beautiful. Her weight unknown.
I am so proud of who I am today, who I was yesterday and who I will be in the future. Loving myself hasn't always been easy. But I will never give up on this relationship and I will always work at being the best version of me possible.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Alabama Shakes...
So I've had this blog sitting here and every time I go to write in
it, I find myself taking out a pen and paper and writing letters. There
is something about writing to someone that feels much more personal. For
now, that is.
I never had a pen pal growing up, and now I find Bear's 99 year-old grandma my pen pal.
My last letter to her, I talked to her about choosing happiness and the ways in which I have been practicing that over the past few weeks.
Let's start with the concert I went to by myself in Las Vegas...if there is anything I would like all of you to do once in your life is go to a concert by yourself.
I went to see Alabama Shakes. A band that Bear had introduced me to.
I fell in love with their sound from the moment Bear played their music and so when I saw they were playing in Vegas, I felt it was my opportunity. My opportunity to do something that would make me smile.
And so I went and there I was, alone in a sea of people, feeling so many emotions, that left me with just one by the end of the night. Complete happiness.
It was everything I needed in that moment of time in my life. Everything I could have hoped for. And so if I have one recommendation, it would be for all of you to experience the same. Go to a concert by yourself, take you on a date, and have the time of your life.
I never had a pen pal growing up, and now I find Bear's 99 year-old grandma my pen pal.
My last letter to her, I talked to her about choosing happiness and the ways in which I have been practicing that over the past few weeks.
Let's start with the concert I went to by myself in Las Vegas...if there is anything I would like all of you to do once in your life is go to a concert by yourself.
I went to see Alabama Shakes. A band that Bear had introduced me to.
I fell in love with their sound from the moment Bear played their music and so when I saw they were playing in Vegas, I felt it was my opportunity. My opportunity to do something that would make me smile.
And so I went and there I was, alone in a sea of people, feeling so many emotions, that left me with just one by the end of the night. Complete happiness.
It was everything I needed in that moment of time in my life. Everything I could have hoped for. And so if I have one recommendation, it would be for all of you to experience the same. Go to a concert by yourself, take you on a date, and have the time of your life.
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Washington, Denmark, and Ireland...Oh My!
My last post I was on my way to Washington, Denmark and Ireland. And just as I suspected, it was incredible. Not only did we get time with Bear's family, we also had time to ourselves.
If I could go back and do it all over again I would.
The moments Bear and I shared, will be some that I will never forget. We made sure to experience everything...we ate all we could, we saw all we could, and we laughed through it all.
I took as many pictures and video as possible and hope to have my Brother in Law make it into a short film, so that I can always go back in time and experience that trip all over again.
If I could go back and do it all over again I would.
The moments Bear and I shared, will be some that I will never forget. We made sure to experience everything...we ate all we could, we saw all we could, and we laughed through it all.
I took as many pictures and video as possible and hope to have my Brother in Law make it into a short film, so that I can always go back in time and experience that trip all over again.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Off We Go...
And it's off we go!!
To Washington, Denmark and Ireland that is.
Bear and I have been planning a vacation where we get to see his family and spend time with just the two of us.
We've needed this. Time to ourselves. And after months of planning and saving, it's finally here.
I've been hesitant to do a countdown, knowing that I need to be present at work, but in 3.5 hours I get to let my mind be free and just enjoy every moment I can with Bear.
And to top it all off, his sister just had her first child, today. So our first stop we get to celebrate her new family.
It's going to be incredible.
To Washington, Denmark and Ireland that is.
Bear and I have been planning a vacation where we get to see his family and spend time with just the two of us.
We've needed this. Time to ourselves. And after months of planning and saving, it's finally here.
I've been hesitant to do a countdown, knowing that I need to be present at work, but in 3.5 hours I get to let my mind be free and just enjoy every moment I can with Bear.
And to top it all off, his sister just had her first child, today. So our first stop we get to celebrate her new family.
It's going to be incredible.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Stuck...
A month has come and gone...
I don't know what it is but every day I think about what it is I want to share with all of you and then I realize I'm a little stuck.
Even now as I stare at the keyboard I don't know what to write or say. So much has gone on, but I almost feel all these amazing, wonderful things are happening to the people I love, and yet my life isn't quite moving forward in the direction that I want it to.
I'm not even sure what that direction is, but I know I'm not heading there right now. I keep putting one foot in front of the other, still working on goals...but I feel stagnant.
I'm working hard, preparing for my big trip to Denmark and Ireland...oh yes it's happening in November.
So I don't know why I feel stuck or stagnant, when so much is happening in my life. But I do.
I'm looking forward to my vacation with Bear, as I think it will help clear my mind and I will be able to refocus on what it is I want/need right now.
I don't know what it is but every day I think about what it is I want to share with all of you and then I realize I'm a little stuck.
Even now as I stare at the keyboard I don't know what to write or say. So much has gone on, but I almost feel all these amazing, wonderful things are happening to the people I love, and yet my life isn't quite moving forward in the direction that I want it to.
I'm not even sure what that direction is, but I know I'm not heading there right now. I keep putting one foot in front of the other, still working on goals...but I feel stagnant.
I'm working hard, preparing for my big trip to Denmark and Ireland...oh yes it's happening in November.
So I don't know why I feel stuck or stagnant, when so much is happening in my life. But I do.
I'm looking forward to my vacation with Bear, as I think it will help clear my mind and I will be able to refocus on what it is I want/need right now.
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