I almost don't know where to begin.
I took down some posts that I wrote after Bear broke up with me.
Why? Because my words affected people he cares about.
I don't know how I feel about it, because in all honesty when I write, it is a form of therapy for me. A way to get out what I am thinking and feeling in that moment. And I do it to showcase what many of us go through when we are heart broken.
The beautiful part about it is the progress you can see from post to post. The ups and downs and waves of emotions that one goes through. And through it all, how possible it is to choose happiness.
What I wrote 3 months ago about wanting Bear in my life, is in no way how I feel now. Wishing to be friends is no longer something I think about or care to have. And yet somehow those words were taken out of context, and affected those close to Bear.
So I took them down. And I don't know how I feel about it.
Maybe one day I'll post them again. (yes of course I saved them) But in the meantime I will keep writing about what life is like on the other side. A side filled with Disneyland days, concerts, seeing best friends become parents, dancing in the rain, road trips, etc.
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label healing. Show all posts
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Saturday, July 4, 2015
Happy 4th...
Happy 4th of July!
I love this day, because it's another day I get to spend time with my family, who happen to be some of the funniest and happiest people I know.
Take my mom and dad. The two of them exude nothing but happiness despite every obstacle thrown their way. Each hurdle is looked at as another adventure and together they know they are able to achieve anything they put their minds too. Whether it is fighting colds or for their lives, they do it together and with smiles on their faces. It's quite extraordinary.
The two of them, have always been my heroes. And being able to spend today with them, makes for another beautiful memory.
I love this day, because it's another day I get to spend time with my family, who happen to be some of the funniest and happiest people I know.
Take my mom and dad. The two of them exude nothing but happiness despite every obstacle thrown their way. Each hurdle is looked at as another adventure and together they know they are able to achieve anything they put their minds too. Whether it is fighting colds or for their lives, they do it together and with smiles on their faces. It's quite extraordinary.
The two of them, have always been my heroes. And being able to spend today with them, makes for another beautiful memory.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
Versions of Me...
A lot has happened this month.
Some things too emotional for me to post. I can't figure out how to put into words what I want to say, and so I started thinking of another post I've been wanting to write about.
Loving myself...who I am, who I show up as, and what I look like.
It's been a lifelong journey and one that I know I will always have to work at. Just because I love myself in this moment right now, doesn't mean I will continue to do so, especially if I don't work at it.
I am in a relationship with myself. And just like every relationship, this one will take time and energy to nurture and maintain.
For me, it has been easiest to fall in love with who I am and who I show up as to my friends and family. I haven't always been proud of myself in these areas as there have been moments that even I couldn't stand to be with me. I am human. I have made mistakes and I am sure I will make more in the future. But I have learned through those failures and have worked hard at being the best version of me. That is why I love who I am. Because I will never settle for showing up as sub par or less then. I will always strive to be the best version of me possible.
What has been more difficult is loving what I look like. I have been overly critical of my looks and my weight. Until I looked at three different photographs of myself and realized how much I love each one of them...each one of me.
I wasn't always overweight growing up. In fact, I was very athletic. It wasn't until I graduated from HS that I put on weight...41 lbs to be exact. That takes us to my first picture.
In this photo I see the woman who didn't care about weight or a scale. This is the woman that looked at herself and loved the way she looked. She felt sexy and beautiful. She didn't care about what she ate or how much she ate, because why would she when she didn't have a scale to tell her what she weighed. She was also the girl who didn't exercise because she didn't see the need. She had worked out all of her life, and this was the first time she felt no need to be anywhere, go anywhere, or do anything. She was in love. And love was all she felt. For the first time, in a long time, she loved herself, and loved the man she was with.
It wasn't until her weight gain was made known to her that she realized she wasn't being healthy. It was also when she first saw herself as fat, because she now had a number...166.. that defined who she was. And although this was a dark and sad time for her, this also was the beginning of her journey into health and happiness. Which takes us to the second photograph.
A lot led up to this photo. At 112lbs this woman's mom was going though traumatic brain injury recovery. This woman no longer saw life in the same way. Life was now a fragile entity and so to prevent anything bad from happening to her, she controlled what she put into her body and began a workout routine that many would think was crazy. She was the woman who also began her journey of being happy and loving herself. She was the catalyst of where I am today. She was going through a divorce, and at times no matter how much she would eat, she could not gain weight. She was holding on to dear life to not let darkness consume her. She chose happiness over sadness, and love over hate. She smiled when crying was all she wanted to do and she learned what it meant to love again.
And it was that new love that takes us to the last photograph.
This is the photograph of the woman who learned to love again. Who realized she had no control over this crazy life, and so she let go little by little. She gifted herself with not weighing herself and taking a job that would support her with her health and journey of happiness. She is the woman who gives with all of her heart. She is the one who started CrossFit with her love so as to get away from an environment she constantly found herself comparing her weight to others. She is the one who when broken up with, decided again that happiness would prevail. She is the one who continues to weight lift and work hard and remain confident in her own skin. She is the one who says thank you, when someone tells her she looks good. She is the one who loves thick thighs. The one who stands up for herself when others tell her she looks better skinnier. She is strong and beautiful. Her weight unknown.
I am so proud of who I am today, who I was yesterday and who I will be in the future. Loving myself hasn't always been easy. But I will never give up on this relationship and I will always work at being the best version of me possible.
Some things too emotional for me to post. I can't figure out how to put into words what I want to say, and so I started thinking of another post I've been wanting to write about.
Loving myself...who I am, who I show up as, and what I look like.
It's been a lifelong journey and one that I know I will always have to work at. Just because I love myself in this moment right now, doesn't mean I will continue to do so, especially if I don't work at it.
I am in a relationship with myself. And just like every relationship, this one will take time and energy to nurture and maintain.
For me, it has been easiest to fall in love with who I am and who I show up as to my friends and family. I haven't always been proud of myself in these areas as there have been moments that even I couldn't stand to be with me. I am human. I have made mistakes and I am sure I will make more in the future. But I have learned through those failures and have worked hard at being the best version of me. That is why I love who I am. Because I will never settle for showing up as sub par or less then. I will always strive to be the best version of me possible.
What has been more difficult is loving what I look like. I have been overly critical of my looks and my weight. Until I looked at three different photographs of myself and realized how much I love each one of them...each one of me.
I wasn't always overweight growing up. In fact, I was very athletic. It wasn't until I graduated from HS that I put on weight...41 lbs to be exact. That takes us to my first picture.
In this photo I see the woman who didn't care about weight or a scale. This is the woman that looked at herself and loved the way she looked. She felt sexy and beautiful. She didn't care about what she ate or how much she ate, because why would she when she didn't have a scale to tell her what she weighed. She was also the girl who didn't exercise because she didn't see the need. She had worked out all of her life, and this was the first time she felt no need to be anywhere, go anywhere, or do anything. She was in love. And love was all she felt. For the first time, in a long time, she loved herself, and loved the man she was with.
It wasn't until her weight gain was made known to her that she realized she wasn't being healthy. It was also when she first saw herself as fat, because she now had a number...166.. that defined who she was. And although this was a dark and sad time for her, this also was the beginning of her journey into health and happiness. Which takes us to the second photograph.
A lot led up to this photo. At 112lbs this woman's mom was going though traumatic brain injury recovery. This woman no longer saw life in the same way. Life was now a fragile entity and so to prevent anything bad from happening to her, she controlled what she put into her body and began a workout routine that many would think was crazy. She was the woman who also began her journey of being happy and loving herself. She was the catalyst of where I am today. She was going through a divorce, and at times no matter how much she would eat, she could not gain weight. She was holding on to dear life to not let darkness consume her. She chose happiness over sadness, and love over hate. She smiled when crying was all she wanted to do and she learned what it meant to love again.
And it was that new love that takes us to the last photograph.
This is the photograph of the woman who learned to love again. Who realized she had no control over this crazy life, and so she let go little by little. She gifted herself with not weighing herself and taking a job that would support her with her health and journey of happiness. She is the woman who gives with all of her heart. She is the one who started CrossFit with her love so as to get away from an environment she constantly found herself comparing her weight to others. She is the one who when broken up with, decided again that happiness would prevail. She is the one who continues to weight lift and work hard and remain confident in her own skin. She is the one who says thank you, when someone tells her she looks good. She is the one who loves thick thighs. The one who stands up for herself when others tell her she looks better skinnier. She is strong and beautiful. Her weight unknown.
I am so proud of who I am today, who I was yesterday and who I will be in the future. Loving myself hasn't always been easy. But I will never give up on this relationship and I will always work at being the best version of me possible.
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Alabama Shakes...
So I've had this blog sitting here and every time I go to write in
it, I find myself taking out a pen and paper and writing letters. There
is something about writing to someone that feels much more personal. For
now, that is.
I never had a pen pal growing up, and now I find Bear's 99 year-old grandma my pen pal.
My last letter to her, I talked to her about choosing happiness and the ways in which I have been practicing that over the past few weeks.
Let's start with the concert I went to by myself in Las Vegas...if there is anything I would like all of you to do once in your life is go to a concert by yourself.
I went to see Alabama Shakes. A band that Bear had introduced me to.
I fell in love with their sound from the moment Bear played their music and so when I saw they were playing in Vegas, I felt it was my opportunity. My opportunity to do something that would make me smile.
And so I went and there I was, alone in a sea of people, feeling so many emotions, that left me with just one by the end of the night. Complete happiness.
It was everything I needed in that moment of time in my life. Everything I could have hoped for. And so if I have one recommendation, it would be for all of you to experience the same. Go to a concert by yourself, take you on a date, and have the time of your life.
I never had a pen pal growing up, and now I find Bear's 99 year-old grandma my pen pal.
My last letter to her, I talked to her about choosing happiness and the ways in which I have been practicing that over the past few weeks.
Let's start with the concert I went to by myself in Las Vegas...if there is anything I would like all of you to do once in your life is go to a concert by yourself.
I went to see Alabama Shakes. A band that Bear had introduced me to.
I fell in love with their sound from the moment Bear played their music and so when I saw they were playing in Vegas, I felt it was my opportunity. My opportunity to do something that would make me smile.
And so I went and there I was, alone in a sea of people, feeling so many emotions, that left me with just one by the end of the night. Complete happiness.
It was everything I needed in that moment of time in my life. Everything I could have hoped for. And so if I have one recommendation, it would be for all of you to experience the same. Go to a concert by yourself, take you on a date, and have the time of your life.
Monday, September 15, 2014
Learning To Love...
I'm learning to love the new me.
The healthy, strong, muscular me.
I'm learning to let go of the thin me. The me that came to be because of stress and a divorce.
When I look at pictures of myself during that time, I tend to not think of how much pain I was in. All I see is a beautiful thin person.
I don't look at the pain in her eyes, her broken heart, or constant self criticism of how she failed in her marriage. Instead I look at her skinny arms, no hips, small legs, and flat chest and think, "To be her again."
But what that would mean... well it would mean taking away my happiness.
When I started gaining weight and muscle and filling out, I was angry at myself. I didn't understand why it was happening. My caloric intake hadn't changed. So what was I doing wrong?
And it hit me. Nothing. I am doing nothing wrong. In fact I am doing more right than wrong these days.
I am eating...for the most part...healthy. I am working out. And I am happy.
I'm no longer a stress ball dealing with a broken heart. My body isn't breaking down because of a broken heart.
My body is now healing itself, just as my heart did. And I am learning to love the new me. Not every day is perfect. I still look at the old me and think how nice it would be. But then I remember to be her again...well to be her again would mean I haven't achieved the happiness and balance in my life that I have achieved.
The healthy, strong, muscular me.
I'm learning to let go of the thin me. The me that came to be because of stress and a divorce.
When I look at pictures of myself during that time, I tend to not think of how much pain I was in. All I see is a beautiful thin person.
I don't look at the pain in her eyes, her broken heart, or constant self criticism of how she failed in her marriage. Instead I look at her skinny arms, no hips, small legs, and flat chest and think, "To be her again."
But what that would mean... well it would mean taking away my happiness.
When I started gaining weight and muscle and filling out, I was angry at myself. I didn't understand why it was happening. My caloric intake hadn't changed. So what was I doing wrong?
And it hit me. Nothing. I am doing nothing wrong. In fact I am doing more right than wrong these days.
I am eating...for the most part...healthy. I am working out. And I am happy.
I'm no longer a stress ball dealing with a broken heart. My body isn't breaking down because of a broken heart.
My body is now healing itself, just as my heart did. And I am learning to love the new me. Not every day is perfect. I still look at the old me and think how nice it would be. But then I remember to be her again...well to be her again would mean I haven't achieved the happiness and balance in my life that I have achieved.
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Am I Making It Count?...
5 times I sat down to write about what was going on in my life. And each time I ended up walking away from the computer unable to write was I was feeling.
This last month was a whirlwind, mostly consumed with closing down the project I had been working on all Summer.
Couple that with balancing a relationship with Bear, my family and friends, and I just felt overwhelmed by everything I was feeling.
And to top it off, I turned 30 yesterday.
It's not that 30 is old. But when I was in my 20s I felt I had all the time in the world to start a family. I wasn't even actually in a rush to get married, that is something EH wanted more than me. When I was in my 20s, I would often think, "Oh I've got 10-15 years before I need to start thinking about that."
When you turn 30 that 10-15 years is now just a mere 5 years. A lot can happen in 5 years, but a lot can not happen in 5 years.
I didn't always make the most out of my 20s, and what I know now is that I need to make every moment, every day count. At the end of each day I keep wondering if I am really doing that.
And I don't know that I am. But I will continue to try.
This last month was a whirlwind, mostly consumed with closing down the project I had been working on all Summer.
Couple that with balancing a relationship with Bear, my family and friends, and I just felt overwhelmed by everything I was feeling.
And to top it off, I turned 30 yesterday.
It's not that 30 is old. But when I was in my 20s I felt I had all the time in the world to start a family. I wasn't even actually in a rush to get married, that is something EH wanted more than me. When I was in my 20s, I would often think, "Oh I've got 10-15 years before I need to start thinking about that."
When you turn 30 that 10-15 years is now just a mere 5 years. A lot can happen in 5 years, but a lot can not happen in 5 years.
I didn't always make the most out of my 20s, and what I know now is that I need to make every moment, every day count. At the end of each day I keep wondering if I am really doing that.
And I don't know that I am. But I will continue to try.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Get Back On...
So I guess it's true what they say "When you fall off the horse, you have to get back on." Or in my case a bicycle...eating, goals, life, etc.
Yes I literally fell off my bike this weekend. To be fair, I only just got the bike for Christmas, and this was the first real long ride I was taking on it. Of course, falling off your bike at 29 years old is much...much much different than when you are 5 and falling off a bike.
It really wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to get back on.
While I was on the ground, bleeding and bruised I really thought for a minute that I wouldn't get back on. And then it hit me...so much of my life right now is sitting slumped over on the ground.
Eating...haven't been eating well...goals...have been at a standstill...life...yup on the ground bleeding and bruised.
So back on I got, and forward I went. Because if I couldn't get back on my bike I was sure these other aspects of my life would continue to lay there right with me. So forward I go.
Yes I literally fell off my bike this weekend. To be fair, I only just got the bike for Christmas, and this was the first real long ride I was taking on it. Of course, falling off your bike at 29 years old is much...much much different than when you are 5 and falling off a bike.
It really wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to get back on.
While I was on the ground, bleeding and bruised I really thought for a minute that I wouldn't get back on. And then it hit me...so much of my life right now is sitting slumped over on the ground.
Eating...haven't been eating well...goals...have been at a standstill...life...yup on the ground bleeding and bruised.
So back on I got, and forward I went. Because if I couldn't get back on my bike I was sure these other aspects of my life would continue to lay there right with me. So forward I go.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
11 years...
11 years...it's been 11 years since I saw my grandfather. 11 years since I heard him call me by my nickname. 11 years since I've seen him walk up the steps to my parents' house. 11 years since I have seen him look lovingly at my grandmother. 11 years since I've heard him crack one of his jokes. 11 years, which is just too f**king long.
This last weekend, I was fortunate to be able to see my cousins' documentary about the Portland, Mavericks, an independently owned Minor League baseball team. A ragtag team, owned by my grandfather.
To say the film touched me, would be an understatement. First, I saw footage of my grandfather, including interviews, which I had never seen before. I heard his voice again. Not just the voice in my head that I hear when I think of him, or his acting voice I have heard when seeing an old episode of him Bonanza. But his voice. The voice I haven't heard in 11 years.
And it was beautiful.
Secondly, the story is an incredible one of going after what you want and not letting the fear of failure get in the way. When you go after your passion, the end result is much much sweeter. And failure, well there might be failure along the way, but that will only bring you closer to success.
If you are wondering whether you will be able to see this film, the answer is yes. July 11th, you will be able to watch in on Netflix. So set your reminders and get ready to be inspired.
This last weekend, I was fortunate to be able to see my cousins' documentary about the Portland, Mavericks, an independently owned Minor League baseball team. A ragtag team, owned by my grandfather.
To say the film touched me, would be an understatement. First, I saw footage of my grandfather, including interviews, which I had never seen before. I heard his voice again. Not just the voice in my head that I hear when I think of him, or his acting voice I have heard when seeing an old episode of him Bonanza. But his voice. The voice I haven't heard in 11 years.
And it was beautiful.
Secondly, the story is an incredible one of going after what you want and not letting the fear of failure get in the way. When you go after your passion, the end result is much much sweeter. And failure, well there might be failure along the way, but that will only bring you closer to success.
If you are wondering whether you will be able to see this film, the answer is yes. July 11th, you will be able to watch in on Netflix. So set your reminders and get ready to be inspired.
Friday, June 6, 2014
Learning To Be...
I'm learning to be patient with myself. Every day at work, I feel like I'm being pushed in ways that I have not experienced before. I know that I'm growing because of it, but I am hard on myself.
And what I am practicing is being kind to myself and my learning curve. It's okay that I don't know everything right now. How could I know everything? This is the first time I have been given this type of opportunity, to essentially run a business. And it's challenging. Exciting, but challenging.
Now if I can balance my career with my personal life, I would feel much more...I don't know what I would feel, but I assume it would be better than how I am feeling currently. See, a few things have fallen through the cracks. Extending my personal training exam, is the first that comes to mind and the one that stands out the most.
It's my goal to be a personal trainer. And I can't let that just fall by the wayside. I can't let any of my personal life fall by the wayside.
And what I am practicing is being kind to myself and my learning curve. It's okay that I don't know everything right now. How could I know everything? This is the first time I have been given this type of opportunity, to essentially run a business. And it's challenging. Exciting, but challenging.
Now if I can balance my career with my personal life, I would feel much more...I don't know what I would feel, but I assume it would be better than how I am feeling currently. See, a few things have fallen through the cracks. Extending my personal training exam, is the first that comes to mind and the one that stands out the most.
It's my goal to be a personal trainer. And I can't let that just fall by the wayside. I can't let any of my personal life fall by the wayside.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Me First...
It's been one month. One month since I have taken a moment to sit down and write to all of you what is going on in my life.
So what could have possibly happened that would take me away from one of my greatest passions...writing.
Well I will tell you. I was given the opportunity to open a pop-up store for my company. They asked me to build the store from ground up, and as I look back on these four weeks, I can easily say it was one of the biggest challenges for me.
I have spent 4 weeks creating a vision, executing a vision, and bringing to life something that I could not have possibly imagined before it all began.
Of course I couldn't have done it without Bear. There are just some things I can't possibly build and create. And what he was able to do, is nothing short of incredible.
The downfall, my health. I am finally catching up on four weeks of sleep. I haven't worked out in 4 days, which for me is pretty long. I haven't been eating healthy. I have gained weight. I have been stressed for the last four weeks. Sleepless nights, take out meals...it's taken a toll.
But, when I look back it was definitely worth it. I have learned valuable lessons through out this project, which will continue on through September. There will be more stress to come, but for tonight I am enjoying the time I have to breathe and the lessons I have learned.
Tomorrow I began a new day. Back to taking care of me first. And I am looking forward to it.
So what could have possibly happened that would take me away from one of my greatest passions...writing.
Well I will tell you. I was given the opportunity to open a pop-up store for my company. They asked me to build the store from ground up, and as I look back on these four weeks, I can easily say it was one of the biggest challenges for me.
I have spent 4 weeks creating a vision, executing a vision, and bringing to life something that I could not have possibly imagined before it all began.
Of course I couldn't have done it without Bear. There are just some things I can't possibly build and create. And what he was able to do, is nothing short of incredible.
The downfall, my health. I am finally catching up on four weeks of sleep. I haven't worked out in 4 days, which for me is pretty long. I haven't been eating healthy. I have gained weight. I have been stressed for the last four weeks. Sleepless nights, take out meals...it's taken a toll.
But, when I look back it was definitely worth it. I have learned valuable lessons through out this project, which will continue on through September. There will be more stress to come, but for tonight I am enjoying the time I have to breathe and the lessons I have learned.
Tomorrow I began a new day. Back to taking care of me first. And I am looking forward to it.
Friday, April 25, 2014
29 & Happy...That's Right Happy
Some days I think I should change my heading so that it reads 29 & Happy...That's Right Happy.
Why...because the divorce no longer defines who I am. It's something that is a part of my past along with a million other experiences I have gone through. It's no longer the dark cloud looming over my head ready to dump a shitty rain storm down on me.
Do I have sad days...difficult moments...of course. But mostly I am happy. Because I choose to be. Even when I am stressed and having a mini meltdown, I choose to let happiness be my driving force.
Most recently I've been stressed over a project I am doing at work. Stressed because I am pushing myself in ways I have never done before. So between 2 and 5 AM I've started to find myself staring at the ceiling telling myself, "There's nothing you can do right now. It's 2 AM and there is nothing you can do." Which then turns into, "It's 4 AM there is absolutely nothing you can do." And by 5, I've finally found myself back in a sweet slumber only to wake up soon after to actually get my day started.
So the stress is there, the sadness is sometimes there, the difficult moments are there, but the overwhelming desire to be happy takes over and because of that I am 29 & Happy...That's Right Happy.
Why...because the divorce no longer defines who I am. It's something that is a part of my past along with a million other experiences I have gone through. It's no longer the dark cloud looming over my head ready to dump a shitty rain storm down on me.
Do I have sad days...difficult moments...of course. But mostly I am happy. Because I choose to be. Even when I am stressed and having a mini meltdown, I choose to let happiness be my driving force.
Most recently I've been stressed over a project I am doing at work. Stressed because I am pushing myself in ways I have never done before. So between 2 and 5 AM I've started to find myself staring at the ceiling telling myself, "There's nothing you can do right now. It's 2 AM and there is nothing you can do." Which then turns into, "It's 4 AM there is absolutely nothing you can do." And by 5, I've finally found myself back in a sweet slumber only to wake up soon after to actually get my day started.
So the stress is there, the sadness is sometimes there, the difficult moments are there, but the overwhelming desire to be happy takes over and because of that I am 29 & Happy...That's Right Happy.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Fading Away...
Well the burn is finally fading away along with my scrapes and bruises. And the Tough Mudder seems like something I did in the distant past. Which is why, I have probably signed Bear and myself up for another one come October.
We are both turning 30 this year, and for our Dirty Thirty, what better way to celebrate than running through an obstacle course of mud.
30...holy moly I am turning 30 this year. It's not the age that scares me, as much as it is a reminder that I didn't always make the best of the years leading up to my 30th.
I wasn't always health conscious...I didn't always work out. I wasn't always choosing happiness. I played a victim for many years. I married someone who wasn't right for me, and who I wasn't right for.
There are many things I would do differently, but at the same time I am slowly starting to believe that all of those decisions brought me to where I am today and to whom I am with. It's hard to think back on my 20s without some regret, but looking back on the past will not get me anywhere I want to go for my future.
And just as my burn, scrapes, and bruises are fading away, so is my disappointment.
We are both turning 30 this year, and for our Dirty Thirty, what better way to celebrate than running through an obstacle course of mud.
30...holy moly I am turning 30 this year. It's not the age that scares me, as much as it is a reminder that I didn't always make the best of the years leading up to my 30th.
I wasn't always health conscious...I didn't always work out. I wasn't always choosing happiness. I played a victim for many years. I married someone who wasn't right for me, and who I wasn't right for.
There are many things I would do differently, but at the same time I am slowly starting to believe that all of those decisions brought me to where I am today and to whom I am with. It's hard to think back on my 20s without some regret, but looking back on the past will not get me anywhere I want to go for my future.
And just as my burn, scrapes, and bruises are fading away, so is my disappointment.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
All Be Worth It...
I am just getting over the flu...and again all I can say is thankfully I have Bear in my life. Taking care of me as much as he possibly could. We spent a good amount of time together this weekend.
As well as time with friends and family; celebrating a birthday, a going away party, watching my niece dance, my sister put on an amazing recital, and a day at the track field helping out with an event for work. So basically another incredible weekend.
Something Bear and I noticed while at a bar, and something I noticed since the divorce, many guys out there aren't respectful of women...and well the girls out there can be just as brutal to guys.
Not once while walking around in the bar would a guy step to the side for any girl walking by. And when Bear walked through a circle of girls who were taking up more space than needed, one of them threw up her hands and exclaimed, "Excuse me!"
It's amazing the level of entitlement that's out there amongst my age group. Surprising in fact. I'm not sure what makes them so much more important. But apparently to them something does.
I remember thinking when I first was in the dating scene again, how angry I was at my EH for putting me back in the dating scene, because it is just so brutal at times. Then I met Bear, and I remember thinking how thankful I was to my EH for leaving me.
I guess that's the lesson out there for all the single ladies and fellas. It may suck being in the dating scene, but when you've found someone who you just know you'll spend the rest of your life with, it will all be worth it.
As well as time with friends and family; celebrating a birthday, a going away party, watching my niece dance, my sister put on an amazing recital, and a day at the track field helping out with an event for work. So basically another incredible weekend.
Something Bear and I noticed while at a bar, and something I noticed since the divorce, many guys out there aren't respectful of women...and well the girls out there can be just as brutal to guys.
Not once while walking around in the bar would a guy step to the side for any girl walking by. And when Bear walked through a circle of girls who were taking up more space than needed, one of them threw up her hands and exclaimed, "Excuse me!"
It's amazing the level of entitlement that's out there amongst my age group. Surprising in fact. I'm not sure what makes them so much more important. But apparently to them something does.
I remember thinking when I first was in the dating scene again, how angry I was at my EH for putting me back in the dating scene, because it is just so brutal at times. Then I met Bear, and I remember thinking how thankful I was to my EH for leaving me.
I guess that's the lesson out there for all the single ladies and fellas. It may suck being in the dating scene, but when you've found someone who you just know you'll spend the rest of your life with, it will all be worth it.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Strength...
Today I happened upon a blog from a girl I worked with many years ago. Although now she's no longer a girl but an inspiring woman, whom I am so completely in awe of. Her strength and beauty shines through her words.
Through Facebook I have seen updates here and there of her life, and a little while ago she posted about being pregnant. I was happy for her. In her pictures she and her boyfriend look incredibly happy and joyous to be taking on this incredible new journey.
Some time has gone by, and as I said I happened upon her blog, where I discovered she had had a miscarriage. My heart broke for her and for her boyfriend.
I feel so much for the girl I once worked with and admire so greatly the woman she has become. I hope others find strength in her blog and know they are not alone.
Through Facebook I have seen updates here and there of her life, and a little while ago she posted about being pregnant. I was happy for her. In her pictures she and her boyfriend look incredibly happy and joyous to be taking on this incredible new journey.
Some time has gone by, and as I said I happened upon her blog, where I discovered she had had a miscarriage. My heart broke for her and for her boyfriend.
I feel so much for the girl I once worked with and admire so greatly the woman she has become. I hope others find strength in her blog and know they are not alone.
Monday, February 17, 2014
Valentine's Day 2014...
2 years ago I almost wrote a post about what it was like moving back into my parents home and putting all of my belongings into storage.
I mentioned it a couple times, but not to the extent I could have written about it. At the time, it was difficult to put into words what it felt like seeing everything boxed up and not knowing when I'd be seeing those things again.
Of course I was always able to go to my storage unit, open those boxes and sort through my little treasures...but after doing that once and realizing what a sad sight it was I only went in there a handful of times.
2 years...it's been almost 2 years since my couch, my pictures, my dishes, some of my favorite things, have been able to breathe.
On Valentine's Day Bear and I moved into our own place, which also meant on Valentine's Day I was able to unpack my boxes from storage.
The feeling was amazing. Just being able to see everything I love and hold dear to my heart in the apartment brought so much enjoyment and love to my day. There were some things I realized I was missing from when I moved down 2 years ago. And although I wish I had them, they are all things I can buy...things that over time I will see again.
And Bear, well Bear is incredible. Not just his moving skills, but who he is. He has the kindest heart and he is the most loving person. And his moving skills were amazing. We moved everything ourselves...even a pull out couch. It was a feat getting it up 3 flights of stairs. But we did it and now all that remains... a couple boxes of books.
We do have some things to buy, a bed, a coffee table, and in time we will fill our apartment with new memories and furniture. For now though it is absolutely perfect.
I mentioned it a couple times, but not to the extent I could have written about it. At the time, it was difficult to put into words what it felt like seeing everything boxed up and not knowing when I'd be seeing those things again.
Of course I was always able to go to my storage unit, open those boxes and sort through my little treasures...but after doing that once and realizing what a sad sight it was I only went in there a handful of times.
2 years...it's been almost 2 years since my couch, my pictures, my dishes, some of my favorite things, have been able to breathe.
On Valentine's Day Bear and I moved into our own place, which also meant on Valentine's Day I was able to unpack my boxes from storage.
The feeling was amazing. Just being able to see everything I love and hold dear to my heart in the apartment brought so much enjoyment and love to my day. There were some things I realized I was missing from when I moved down 2 years ago. And although I wish I had them, they are all things I can buy...things that over time I will see again.
And Bear, well Bear is incredible. Not just his moving skills, but who he is. He has the kindest heart and he is the most loving person. And his moving skills were amazing. We moved everything ourselves...even a pull out couch. It was a feat getting it up 3 flights of stairs. But we did it and now all that remains... a couple boxes of books.
We do have some things to buy, a bed, a coffee table, and in time we will fill our apartment with new memories and furniture. For now though it is absolutely perfect.
Friday, January 24, 2014
Insignificant...
Often times I think we make decisions or react to a situation based off of our past. But it's important to remember our past is insignificant to our future.
That isn't to say our past doesn't play a very important part of who we are today. Every interaction and experience has shaped us into who we are, but to use the past as a marker for how to react in a new situation or be a determinate of decisions we have to make stunts our growth.
It's something Bear and I have learned is incredibly important in our relationship. Having both come from a divorce, we know how important it is for us to leave the past in the past. When we start bringing it into this relationship we find that it only causes a roadblock.
And this doesn't just apply to relationships but every aspect of our life.
What a powerful thought...the past is insignificant to our future.
That isn't to say our past doesn't play a very important part of who we are today. Every interaction and experience has shaped us into who we are, but to use the past as a marker for how to react in a new situation or be a determinate of decisions we have to make stunts our growth.
It's something Bear and I have learned is incredibly important in our relationship. Having both come from a divorce, we know how important it is for us to leave the past in the past. When we start bringing it into this relationship we find that it only causes a roadblock.
And this doesn't just apply to relationships but every aspect of our life.
What a powerful thought...the past is insignificant to our future.
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Legacy...
Sometimes I wonder what kind of legacy will I leave behind, when I'm gone. How will have I made a difference in this world? Right now, I don't think I could tell you what kind of difference I have made, only that I try to share my stories of weight loss, failure at a marriage, being in a new relationship, having experienced my mom go through a major brain injury, in hopes that something I say will help whomever it is I'm talking to. How I don't know, but I keep sharing. And I keep listening and hearing what others have to share as well in hopes that I can partake in what legacy they are leaving behind.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
One Week In...
One week into the New Year...and I am starting to really feel the weight of my goals. Moving out into my own place with Bear, become NASM certified, complete a Tough Mudder in March, go to Denmark, practicing yoga twice a week, and eating home cooked meals 6 days a week. They are all doable, but with working full time and trying to fit in the occasional moments with Bear and working on our relationship, it seems these goals are so far for me to reach and get to. I am determined. But it's going to be a long haul for 2014. I'm excited to see my growth, to see where these goals take me, and of course share with all of you, how 2014 looks for me during all this.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Uncertainty...
2013 is coming to an end...and for the most part I accomplished all that I set out for. Except for writing consistently on this blog. Nonetheless, I am pretty proud of all that I have done. But I can't help wanting 2013 to continue for a little while longer.
Why? Because I feel there is a sort of uncertainty in my life that I would love to have resolved before the New Year. However, I know it won't be possible.
Bear and I are experiencing a little bump in the road. We want different things in our life at this moment, and because of that we aren't sure where our future as a couple is headed.
Since Christmas, it's been off. What stemmed from a miscommunication, has now turned into a realization that we both are on different pages in this chapter of our lives.
But how do we get on the same page and what happens if we don't? I would love to look into the future and see where we are headed, maybe then I would be looking forward to 2014. But right now, this uncertainty is looming over me like a dark cloud and every moment I am preparing for the rain to come pouring down.
What I have learned through all of this, is that Bear and I communicate better than I have ever been able to communicate with anyone. And I am proud of the growth I have seen in myself with this and I am proud of his growth as well.
A new year is upon us...a year to achieve more goals and to set out what I want...need in life.
Why? Because I feel there is a sort of uncertainty in my life that I would love to have resolved before the New Year. However, I know it won't be possible.
Bear and I are experiencing a little bump in the road. We want different things in our life at this moment, and because of that we aren't sure where our future as a couple is headed.
Since Christmas, it's been off. What stemmed from a miscommunication, has now turned into a realization that we both are on different pages in this chapter of our lives.
But how do we get on the same page and what happens if we don't? I would love to look into the future and see where we are headed, maybe then I would be looking forward to 2014. But right now, this uncertainty is looming over me like a dark cloud and every moment I am preparing for the rain to come pouring down.
What I have learned through all of this, is that Bear and I communicate better than I have ever been able to communicate with anyone. And I am proud of the growth I have seen in myself with this and I am proud of his growth as well.
A new year is upon us...a year to achieve more goals and to set out what I want...need in life.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Keep On Celebrating...
The time is flying by and 2013 is coming to a close...Christmas is less than a week away, New Year's will soon follow, and I'm trying to make sure the next few weeks are as special and incredible as they have been this year.
Sometimes I fall into bad habits, where being loving, happy, and healthy are not at the forefront of my actions. The good thing is, I can recognize those moments and hopefully change my actions before those bad habits creep up and hang around for too long.
One of my bad habits...over eating and obsessing about my weight. It's definitely a challenge at times, but there are no excuses.
When I eat my emotions, happy or sad, I'm not allowing myself to fully feel. But being an emotional eater, that's something I find difficult to do.
Of course I'm a work in progress, and overall 2013 has been one of my favorite years...and the best part there's still a couple weeks to keep on celebrating.
Sometimes I fall into bad habits, where being loving, happy, and healthy are not at the forefront of my actions. The good thing is, I can recognize those moments and hopefully change my actions before those bad habits creep up and hang around for too long.
One of my bad habits...over eating and obsessing about my weight. It's definitely a challenge at times, but there are no excuses.
When I eat my emotions, happy or sad, I'm not allowing myself to fully feel. But being an emotional eater, that's something I find difficult to do.
Of course I'm a work in progress, and overall 2013 has been one of my favorite years...and the best part there's still a couple weeks to keep on celebrating.
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