Versions of Me...

A lot has happened this month.

Some things too emotional for me to post. I can't figure out how to put into words what I want to say, and so I started thinking of another post I've been wanting to write about.

Loving myself...who I am, who I show up as, and what I look like.

It's been a lifelong journey and one that I know I will always have to work at. Just because I love myself in this moment right now, doesn't mean I will continue to do so, especially if I don't work at it.

I am in a relationship with myself. And just like every relationship, this one will take time and energy to nurture and maintain.

For me, it has been easiest to fall in love with who I am and who I show up as to my friends and family. I haven't always been proud of myself in these areas as there have been moments that even I couldn't stand to be with me. I am human. I have made mistakes and I am sure I will make more in the future. But I have learned through those failures and have worked hard at being the best version of me. That is why I love who I am. Because I will never settle for showing up as sub par or less then. I will always strive to be the best version of me possible.

What has been more difficult is loving what I look like. I have been overly critical of my looks and my weight. Until I looked at three different photographs of myself and realized how much I love each one of them...each one of me.

I wasn't always overweight growing up. In fact, I was very athletic. It wasn't until I graduated from HS that I put on weight...41 lbs to be exact. That takes us to my first picture.

In this photo I see the woman who didn't care about weight or a scale. This is the woman that looked at herself and loved the way she looked. She felt sexy and beautiful. She didn't care about what she ate or how much she ate, because why would she when she didn't have a scale to tell her what she weighed. She was also the girl who didn't exercise because she didn't see the need. She had worked out all of her life, and this was the first time she felt no need to be anywhere, go anywhere, or do anything. She was in love. And love was all she felt. For the first time, in a long time, she loved herself, and loved the man she was with.

It wasn't until her weight gain was made known to her that she realized she wasn't being healthy. It was also when she first saw herself as fat, because she now had a number...166.. that defined who she was. And although this was a dark and sad time for her, this also was the beginning of her journey into health and happiness. Which takes us to the second photograph.

A lot led up to this photo. At 112lbs this woman's  mom was going though traumatic brain injury recovery. This woman no longer saw life in the same way. Life was now a fragile entity and so to prevent anything bad from happening to her, she controlled what she put into her body and began a workout routine that many would think was crazy. She was the woman who also began her journey of being happy and loving herself. She was the catalyst of where I am today. She was going through a divorce, and at times no matter how much she would eat, she could not gain weight. She was holding on to dear life to not let darkness consume her. She chose happiness over sadness, and love over hate. She smiled when crying was all she wanted to do and she learned what it meant to love again.

And it was that new love that takes us to the last photograph.

This is the photograph of the woman who learned to love again. Who realized she had no control over this crazy life, and so she let go little by little. She gifted herself with not weighing herself and taking a job that would support her with her health and journey of happiness. She is the woman who gives with all of her heart. She is the one who started CrossFit with her love so as to get away from an environment she constantly found herself comparing her weight to others. She is the one who when broken up with, decided again that happiness would prevail. She is the one who continues to weight lift and work hard and remain confident in her own skin. She is the one who says thank you, when someone tells her she looks good. She is the one who loves thick thighs. The one who stands up for herself when others tell her she looks better skinnier. She is strong and beautiful. Her weight unknown.

I am so proud of who I am today, who I was yesterday and who I will be in the future. Loving myself hasn't always been easy. But I will never give up on this relationship and I will always work at being the best version of me possible.

Learning To Love...

I'm learning to love the new me.

The healthy, strong, muscular me.

I'm learning to let go of the thin me. The me that came to be because of stress and a divorce.

When I look at pictures of myself during that time, I tend to not think of how much pain I was in. All I see is a beautiful thin person.

I don't look at the pain in her eyes, her broken heart, or constant self criticism of how she failed in her marriage. Instead I look at her skinny arms, no hips, small legs, and flat chest and think, "To be her again."

But what that would mean... well it would mean taking away my happiness.

When I started gaining weight and muscle and filling out, I was angry at myself. I didn't understand why it was happening. My caloric intake hadn't changed. So what was I doing wrong?

And it hit me. Nothing. I am doing nothing wrong. In fact I am doing more right than wrong these days.

I am eating...for the most part...healthy. I am working out. And I am happy.

I'm no longer a stress ball dealing with a broken heart. My body isn't breaking down because of a broken heart.

My body is now healing itself, just as my heart did. And I am learning to love the new me. Not every day is perfect. I still look at the old me and think how nice it would be. But then I remember to be her again...well to be her again would mean I haven't achieved the happiness and balance in my life that I have achieved.

Am I Making It Count?...

5 times I sat down to write about what was going on in my life. And each time I ended up walking away from the computer unable to write was I was feeling.

This last month was a whirlwind, mostly consumed with closing down the project I had been working on all Summer.

Couple that with balancing a relationship with Bear, my family and friends, and I just felt overwhelmed by everything I was feeling. 

And to top it off, I turned 30 yesterday.

It's not that 30 is old. But when I was in my 20s I felt I had all the time in the world to start a family. I wasn't even actually in a rush to get married, that is something EH wanted more than me. When I was in my 20s, I would often think, "Oh I've got 10-15 years before I need to start thinking about that."

When you turn 30 that 10-15 years is now just a mere 5 years. A lot can happen in 5 years, but a lot can not happen in 5 years.

I didn't always make the most out of my 20s, and what I know now is that I need to make every moment, every day count.  At the end of each day I keep wondering if I am really doing that.

And I don't know that I am. But I will continue to try.

Badass & Sexy...

It's obvious I am going through a difficult time, where I am working on figuring out how to balance life and work. But the one constant that I am grateful for, is my relationship.

It is about the only thing that isn't tumultuous right now. In fact, being with Bear and feeling his constant love and support, has given me a break from everything else that seems to be crashing down around me.

What is amazing and an incredible feeling is that he loves me for me.

Recently, and it comes as no big surprise, I changed my hair style and color up again. People always ask me, "How does Bear like it? Is he okay with you changing your hair?"

I always reply with, "Well, ya I think he does. I mean he met me when I had short hair." To which I get, "Oh so he's a short hair kind of guy," or my favorite, "Wow, what a sport!"

When I first cut my hair short, I had this feeling my EH hated it. He always said he didn't mind, come to find out after the divorce, he told a friend that my hair really did bother him.

So I asked Bear what he thought about my hair, whether it bothered him. His answer, I should have expected. "I fell in love with you, not your hair. But your hair is badass and you look sexy."

So the next time someone asks me how Bear likes my hair, I now have the answer for them.

Learning To Be...

I'm learning to be patient with myself. Every day at work, I feel like I'm being pushed in ways that I have not experienced before. I know that I'm growing because of it, but I am hard on myself.

And what I am practicing is being kind to myself and my learning curve. It's okay that I don't know everything right now. How could I know everything? This is the first time I have been given this type of opportunity, to essentially run a business. And it's challenging. Exciting, but challenging.

Now if I can balance my career with my personal life, I would feel much more...I don't know what I would feel, but I assume it would be better than how I am feeling currently. See, a few things have fallen through the cracks. Extending my personal training exam, is the first that comes to mind and the one that stands out the most.

It's my goal to be a personal trainer. And I can't let that just fall by the wayside. I can't let any of my personal life fall by the wayside.

29 & Happy...That's Right Happy

Some days I think I should change my heading so that it reads 29 & Happy...That's Right Happy.

Why...because the divorce no longer defines who I am. It's something that is a part of my past along with a million other experiences I have gone through. It's no longer the dark cloud looming over my head ready to dump a shitty rain storm down on me.

Do I have sad days...difficult moments...of course. But mostly I am happy. Because I choose to be. Even when I am stressed and having a mini meltdown, I choose to let happiness be my driving force.

Most recently I've been stressed over a project I am doing at work. Stressed because I am pushing myself in ways I have never done before. So between 2 and 5 AM I've started to find myself staring at the ceiling telling myself, "There's nothing you can do right now. It's 2 AM and there is nothing you can do."  Which then turns into, "It's 4 AM there is absolutely nothing you can do." And by 5, I've finally found myself back in a sweet slumber only to wake up soon after to actually get my day started.

So the stress is there, the sadness is sometimes there, the difficult moments are there, but the overwhelming desire to be happy takes over and because of that I am 29 & Happy...That's Right Happy.

Fading Away...

Well the burn is finally fading away along with my scrapes and bruises. And the Tough Mudder seems like something I did in the distant past. Which is why, I have probably signed Bear and myself up for another one come October.

We are both turning 30 this year, and for our Dirty Thirty, what better way to celebrate than running through an obstacle course of mud.

30...holy moly I am turning 30 this year. It's not the age that scares me, as much as it is a reminder that I didn't always make the best of the years leading up to my 30th.

I wasn't always health conscious...I didn't always work out. I wasn't always choosing happiness. I played a victim for many years. I married someone who wasn't right for me, and who I wasn't right for.

There are many things I would do differently, but at the same time I am slowly starting to believe that all of those decisions brought me to where I am today and to whom I am with. It's hard to think back on my 20s without some regret, but looking back on the past will not get me anywhere I want to go for my future.

And just as my burn, scrapes, and bruises are fading away, so is my disappointment.

All Be Worth It...

I am just getting over the flu...and again all I can say is thankfully I have Bear in my life. Taking care of me as much as he possibly could. We spent a good amount of time together this weekend.

As well as time with friends and family; celebrating a birthday, a going away party, watching my niece dance, my sister put on an amazing recital, and a day at the track field helping out with an event for work. So basically another incredible weekend.

Something Bear and I noticed while at a bar, and something I noticed since the divorce, many guys out there aren't respectful of women...and well the girls out there can be just as brutal to guys.

Not once while walking around in the bar would a guy step to the side for any girl walking by. And when Bear walked through a circle of girls who were taking up more space than needed, one of them threw up her hands and exclaimed, "Excuse me!"

It's amazing the level of entitlement that's out there amongst my age group. Surprising in fact. I'm not sure what makes them so much more important. But apparently to them something does.

I remember thinking when I first was in the dating scene again, how angry I was at my EH for putting me back in the dating scene, because it is just so brutal at times. Then I met Bear, and I remember thinking how thankful I was to my EH for leaving me.

I guess that's the lesson out there for all the single ladies and fellas. It may suck being in the dating scene, but when you've found someone who you just know you'll spend the rest of your life with, it will all be worth it.

Valentine's Day 2014...

2 years ago I almost wrote a post about what it was like moving back into my parents home and putting all of my belongings into storage.

I mentioned it a couple times, but not to the extent I could have written about it. At the time, it was difficult to put into words what it felt like seeing everything boxed up and not knowing when I'd be seeing those things again.

Of course I was always able to go to my storage unit, open those boxes and sort through my little treasures...but after doing that once and realizing what a sad sight it was I only went in there a handful of times.

2 years...it's been almost 2 years since my couch, my pictures, my dishes, some of my favorite things, have been able to breathe.

On Valentine's Day Bear and I moved into our own place, which also meant on Valentine's Day I was able to unpack my boxes from storage.

The feeling was amazing. Just being able to see everything I love and hold dear to my heart in the apartment brought so much enjoyment and love to my day.  There were some things I realized I was missing from when I moved down 2 years ago. And although I wish I had them, they are all things I can buy...things that over time I will see again.

And Bear, well Bear is incredible. Not just his moving skills, but who he is. He has the kindest heart and he is the most loving person. And his moving skills were amazing. We moved everything ourselves...even a pull out couch. It was a feat getting it up 3 flights of stairs. But we did it and now all that remains... a couple boxes of books.

We do have some things to buy, a bed, a coffee table, and in time we will fill our apartment with new memories and furniture. For now though it is absolutely perfect.

Finish Line...

6 days and Bear and I will be moving into our own place. It feels good knowing that I set this intention, this goal and I get to check it off my list.

Often times I accomplish a goal and I don't take the time to sit and take it in. I move on to the next one, just like a checklist.

This time is different. I'm going to enjoy the accomplishment of this goal and take my time before setting the next one.

A year ago, I was running my first half marathon. This year I'm finally moving out of my parents' and  I'm going to be reunited with all my stuff that has been locked away in a storage unit for almost 2 years.

I have a feeling when I finally get my stuff out of the boxes and set up, I'm going to feel much like I did crossing that finish line. Incredibly proud of the journey that brought me there.

Insignificant...

Often times I think we make decisions or react to a situation based off of our past. But it's important to remember our past is insignificant to our future.

That isn't to say our past doesn't play a very important part of who we are today. Every interaction and experience has shaped us into who we are, but to use the past as a marker for how to react in a new situation or be a determinate of decisions we have to make stunts our growth.

It's something Bear and I have learned is incredibly important in our relationship. Having both come from a divorce, we know how important it is for us to leave the past in the past. When we start bringing it into this relationship we find that it only causes a roadblock.

And this doesn't just apply to relationships but every aspect of our life.

What a powerful thought...the past is insignificant to our future.

Legacy...

Sometimes I wonder what kind of legacy will I leave behind, when I'm gone. How will have I made a difference in this world? Right now, I don't think I could tell you what kind of difference I have made, only that I try to share my stories of weight loss,  failure at a marriage, being in a new relationship, having experienced my mom go through a major brain injury, in hopes that something I say will help whomever it is I'm talking to. How I don't know, but I keep sharing. And I keep listening and hearing what others have to share as well in hopes that I can partake in what legacy they are leaving behind.

One Week In...

One week into the New Year...and I am starting to really feel the weight of my goals. Moving out into my own place with Bear, become NASM certified, complete a Tough Mudder in March, go to Denmark, practicing yoga twice a week, and eating home cooked meals 6 days a week. They are all doable, but with working full time and trying to fit in the occasional moments with Bear and working on our relationship, it seems these goals are so far for me to reach and get to. I am determined. But it's going to be a long haul for 2014. I'm excited to see my growth, to see where these goals take me, and of course share with all of you, how 2014 looks for me during all this.

Keep On Celebrating...

The time is flying by and 2013 is coming to a close...Christmas is less than a week away, New Year's will soon follow,  and I'm trying to make sure the next few weeks are as special and incredible as they have been this year.

Sometimes I fall into bad habits, where being loving, happy, and healthy are not at the forefront of my actions. The good thing is, I can recognize those moments and hopefully change my actions before those bad habits creep up and hang around for too long.

One of my bad habits...over eating and obsessing about my weight. It's definitely a challenge at times, but there are no excuses.

When I eat my emotions, happy or sad, I'm not allowing myself to fully feel. But being an emotional eater, that's something I find difficult to do.

Of course I'm a work in progress, and overall 2013 has been one of my favorite years...and the best part there's still a couple weeks to keep on celebrating.

Wow...

Wow what an incredible two weeks it has been. This last week especially.

First, I made a giant step towards my goal of becoming a personal trainer. A step in the right direction and one that has lit a fire under me.

Second, I was so fortunate again to see my uncle narrate the Candlelight ceremony at Disneyland. Something I was able to share with Bear this year.

I led a vision and goals training for my work.

My co-workers and I surprised 5 families at a tree lot and bought their trees for them.

And my cousins' documentary made it into Sundance.

You can see why this has been an incredible two weeks, full of love, joy, and happiness!

Gratitude...

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I am so happy to be spending the day with Bear and my family. It's hard though, because I know that Bear would love to be with his family as well. So I am going to do my best to make tomorrow as special as possible for him.

He has brought so much to my life…I think about last year this time. I had gotten the closure I needed with EH, and was able to finally move on. I didn't know it at the time, but Bear would be coming into my life, and adding so much more than I could have every imagined.

I feel blessed to be able to spend a day of love and gratitude with someone I am extremely grateful for. Thank you Bear, for everything. For showing me what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. For always being honest. You are incredible, hard working, and I am so proud of you.. Of us.

Vision...

Recently I sat down and created a vision for myself, 10 years from now. And with that vision comes the inevitable goal setting, so that I can achieve what it is I want for my future.

These goals terrify me, which can only mean one thing. I am setting goals that are going to push me forward.

And with the support and love I have from my family and Bear I know I can achieve whatever I set my mind on.

Counting...

Day 9 of my new eating plan and it's going well. I've realized I do really well when I have guidelines.

For the last few years it's been all about counting calories, which worked. But after 3 plus years, it definitely became a little tiresome.

I was too afraid though to stop though, for fear of gaining all the weight back.

But with this plan, I don't have to count. It's all outlined for me. It's been a great alternative to counting. And it's freed my mind.

If you had told me 3 weeks ago, I would not be counting my calories, I would have said there is no possible way. But it's been 9 days. I can't say I won't go back to counting, but for today, for right now this plan is where I am at.

Plan Worth Following...

So many exciting events/moments have occurred since last week. Halloween with my niece, the grand opening of the new store I work at, a new structured eating plan...the list goes on.

Bear and I dressed up for my niece who wanted us all to go as My Little Ponies. When a 4 1/2 year old enthusiastically tells you her plan for Halloween and what you are going to wear...well it's impossible to say no. Which is why I dressed as Applejack and Bear as Big Macintosh. 

To see the smile on her face as I walked up to her house...exclaiming, "Applejack!!" it just doesn't get better than that.

And the day after Halloween was the grand opening of the store I work at. It was a whirlwind...from Halloween to opening the store and hosting the day to day events. But it went amazingly, and I am so excited to be working in an environment that really helps me thrive in my personal work, my health and my career.

As for my new structured eating plan...I will update you all on my progress. Right now, I've been successful at following it. I didn't weigh myself before starting, as my gift to myself last Christmas was no longer weighing myself. So I won't know what weight I've lost, if any at all. What I will know is that I am feeding my body healthier foods. And that is a plan worth following.

What I Love Most...

This last weekend I got to spend some time with Bear's family.

What I love most, about both of our families, is their ability to love so easily and to accept Bear and myself into their welcoming arms.

When Bear's dad hugs me, I feel just as comforted and loved by him as I do with Bear.

And when his mom, sisters, and their spouses are standing around, I don't feel like I am an outsider looking in. I know that because Bear loves me, they are opening their hearts up to me as well.

And the same goes for my family. When we returned to my parents' house, the smile on both of their faces was priceless. They were so happy to have us home.

Love radiates between the two families. And the fact that all of them are willing to open up after all that has happened in the past, is quite incredible.