Therapy...

So I started therapy...and to be honest I felt horrible for whoever was going to be the poor person to have sit and sift through the bullshit I am going through. I mean it's a lot. I told her my life story in 1 hr. And even she said you must feel like you are going crazy. And it's true!! When surrounded by crazy you start to feel like the crazy one. You absolutely do. Nothing makes sense. And if you are anything like me your brain doesn't stop. Seriously what is it with the female brain?!?! You can not turn it off. All day and all night I keep wondering what is EH doing, who is he doing, how long has he been doing it, was he doing it during our marriage, and the list goes on. I swear if I could have a switch to turn off the thoughts in my head I would. I would also choose when and where I want to cry.

One minute I will be driving and singing to Adele's Rolling in the Deep and mentally kicking EH's ass and then Someone Like You will be the next song on the play list and I am a mess. I mean a complete mess. And I don't look good crying. But my therapist said it's normal. Nooooo, not normal that I look like a 10 yr old boy who has just lost a Little League game, but normal that I break down and cry. And after she told me it was normal she jokingly told me to not listen to Adele...but Adele and I have a REAL connection, that not even my therapist can break. And one day...when I am on a talk show promoting my book and movie, Adele will appear suddenly behind me and we will hug and laugh because we have a REAL connection. But getting back to my therapist...she said I will be going through the stages of grief, just as you do when someone has died. She said I will be mourning the death of the children EH and I never got to have and the future I had built for myself. My EH said that I must be going to a retarded therapist for her to agree with me that I have this sense of loss for the children we never had and their names we will never use but have talked about over and over again throughout the last 7 years. He said they are just names. Well to me they are much much more. And I will be grieving. And those are names I will have to lock away and say good bye to FOREVER (yes just like it sounds in The Sandlot). I may have told my EH he must reconsider whoever it is giving him advice, because my EH is obviously not sane. A little overboard, probably, but I couldn't help to jab at him do to my uncontrollable anger at that moment. Which I wish I didn't do. I also wish I didn't text him. Because I always feel guilty after I do.

Seriously, I feel guilty for every horrible thing I have said or done to my EH in the past. And when I mean horrible, I don't mean setting fire to his clothes and trying to push him down stairs or off a cliff. I mean the normal, silly, not always nice things people do. But I can't undo them and I've apologized for my behavior. And as my therapist said, "No matter how horrible you were, I mean you could be the worst person in the world, you don't change somebody, only they can change themselves." And I guess I have to remember that every time I start to feel sad. I didn't change my EH, he changed himself and he is making these choices. And although it may affect my feelings of self worth, it really has nothing to do with me. He's become this complete stranger who does not want any responsibility in his life, including someone he has known for 26 years. But I do feel worthless. I can't help it and I really hope that feeling goes away one day. For now, I will work on not letting thoughts of EH consume my every waking minute. Wish me luck...pray for me...send me positive vibes...seriously whatever you guys do out there send some of it my way. And if you need anything sent your way, I'm your gal.