Mine...

It is amazing how something such as a song can bring on a flood of memories. And my apologies if I keep using songs on my blogs...but there is something about music that connects with your soul and when it comes on there is no stopping the flood of emotions and images that are to follow.

If you know me, you know I work out probably 6-7 times a week. And it's not because I love to work out. Granted, I love seeing my friends at the gym and I love my trainer, but it's the boost of endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine that makes me feel normal through out the day.

Years ago I had my neurotransmitters tested and the results showed that my body did not produce enough serotonin and dopamine... it may be why for so many years I felt depressed. However, with exercise and eating healthy that all changed. I finally felt better. And it is for that reason that I go to the gym 6-7 days a week even if I don't feel like it. I know after, I'll feel like the real me or as close to the real me as I can feel.

So today, while I was kickboxing, all of a sudden Justin Bieber's Baby came on. And as I was singing the song I was struck with images of my EH. We were sitting on our couch in our apartment watching Never Say Never. Now JB was never our favorite artist, but I had seen the movie and decided my EH needed to see it too. And here is why...half way through the movie my EH turned to me and asked, "Is it strange that I love him now?" I remember thinking this why we are together. Because I had the same thought when I first watched the movie. This boy, so full of talent, has an amazing success story, and at the same time appears to be unaffected by the fame.

The songs we use to not want to hear, now became music to my ears and music to my EH's ears. We would blast the songs and sing them loud and proud. Little did I know the lyrics to his Baby song would resonate with the situation I am in today. 


And I'm in pieces, baby fix me
And just shake me 'til you wake me from this bad dream
I'm goin' down, down, down, down
And I just can't believe my first love won't be around

I thought my EH would always be mine. And he won't be. He will be somebody else's. I am envious of whoever the lucky lady is that will spend a lifetime with my EH. The memories they will share. The laughter, the love, the kisses, the snuggling...I can't believe my first love won't be around to share them with me. I thought he would always be mine, I was wrong.