Dishonesty...

The other day I had someone tell me that in order to have a better relationship and to not repeat history, I need to be able to recognize the qualities of my EH that did not work for me. I couldn't really think of one at the time, but after last night, I realized my EH's biggest flaw...dishonesty.

My girlfriend of 26 years came over to my house to pick up some gifts and to drop off a gift. She's in town for the weekend, and as one of my best friends, we always are able to pick up right where we left off, no matter how long it's been since we've seen each other.

Last night she had to get something off her chest, a secret she had been keeping for my EH. When she spoke to him months ago, he "poured his heart" out to her. His words not mine. He then swore her to secrecy. First, you never put a friend in the middle of a divorce...you should never make your wife's best friend carry that burden. It's disrespectful and rude. Secondly, I was friends with her longer than he was and if he really thought I would never find out, he's more clueless than I could ever imagine him to be. 

He told her why he left me. Again, I was the issue. My nagging, the fights, the life changing car accident he had in which he realized he was unhappy with me. In essence he was trying to make himself the victim and portray me as someone I was not. Some crazy b***h that made his life a living hell with no reason on my part. If I had been that person day in and day out, why then move me up north? If it was over after the accident why then beg someone to be in your life again and why move them 400 miles away from their family. 

Nevertheless, he only takes fault in not being able to communicate with me. Which yes, was a fault indeed. But his biggest fault, and the root cause of every fight we had was his dishonesty. Small things, big things, he couldn't be honest with me. It drove me crazy. It made my blood boil. It made me a nagging person and made me question everything he said. 

Since he left, I've learned how to react when I feel this way. I've grown, but apparently he hasn't. 

And this is even more evident in the fact that after I asked him last night when our divorce was finalized he had to admit he didn't file the documents in time, and I have to re-sign all the papers. He's known this for awhile, but had yet to share this tidbit with me. He tried to put it on me...acting as though I hadn't signed and notarized the papers. I did. He dropped the ball. Once again, and could not be honest of the fact.

His dishonesty is also evident in the fact that when he talked to my friend months ago he admitted he was calling because he wanted to make sure his new girlfriend didn't find out he was still married, because apparently he had told her he was divorced already. And had been for some time. He wanted to make sure I wouldn't go crazy on her and Facebook message her. I don't know who he thinks I am, but the last thing I would want to do is message her. She'll find out the truth. He was never a good liar. All this is, is history repeating itself. Lessons unlearned.

But the nail in the coffin is the fact that when asked about something I asked when we first started dating, he admitted to my friend he even lied about that.

From the beginning our foundation was rooted on dishonesty. And although I believe he had an internal struggle battling his good self with this bad self, the core of who he is, is someone who can't for the life of him face the truth. He runs and will continue to run until he learns how to be honest.

I wish my EH all the best and maybe his new girlfriend won't mind the dishonesty, but at some point my EH will need to wake up and realize it wasn't my nagging or fighting that was the catalyst for this divorce, it was his lack of honesty. And for the next person I am with, I can guarantee you they will be honest, because that is who I will be looking for.

Honesty is the best policy. The truth always prevails. Thank God for that.

Sincerely,
Still married but wish I wasn't

Thankful For...

For the past several years my EH and I would head out and stand in line for the Black Friday festivities. It all started when I had to write a story for a Journalism class regarding this holiday tradition, and since then we were hooked. Whether it was the flat screen TV, refrigerator, $5 kitchen supplies, we could not wait to stand in line and partake in this madness. 

For whatever reason, it is this tradition with my EH that I am missing most today. I could not help but cry earlier this evening thinking about where he must be, and how I would love to be with him. I had to stop myself though and reflect on my year and what I am grateful for. 

So when I think of the year I've had, I am so incredibly thankful for everyone who has been there loving and supporting me. Whether near or far, I have felt so cared for. 

To say this has been one of the most challenging years of my life would be an understatement and although this is not the path I had imagined I would be on, I can't help but appreciate the strength I h

ave gained because of it. 

For everyone I have crossed paths with, and for those people in my life who have only lasted seasons, I thank them for the purpose they have served and for teaching me valuable lessons along the way. 

There are some very special people missing from my life, other than my EH, this Thanksgiving and wherever they may be this year, I am thinking of all of them and sending my love.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! 

Mrs. Nick...

Recently I found out that a former teacher of mine was sick again. We were asked to write letters of well wishes, memories, anything to let her know we are thinking of her and praying for her. Here is my letter...I share it with you because it has to do with what I hope this blog is achieving. The only edit I have made, is with my name and the name of my EH.

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it life?

While the soul, after all, is only a window

And the opening of the window no more difficult

Than the wakening from a little sleep.

            ~ Mary Oliver

Dear Mrs. Nick,

            You once gave me a book of poems and prose poems, West Wind, by Mary Oliver. In it you wrote, “Keep your heart up. May this inspire you to make a beautiful difference in our world. You have already made a difference in me.”

            When you first gave me this gift I could not understand nor believe that I had made any type of beautiful difference in your world and it seemed even more impossible that I could make a difference in the world I was living in. I felt so insignificant and uninspiring. I went to college, studied journalism, and again I felt I was just going through the motions.

            Then I got married to a childhood friend, the love of my life, and began working at a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center. I thought I had finally found my place in the world, one that was making a difference. During this time my mom was also recovering from a traumatic brain injury and although I felt I was making a difference in this world by working at a rehab, I felt weaker than ever. And I took out all my anger and frustration on my husband. I also gave up on my independence and relied solely on him. I no longer lived but poured myself into my work and “making a difference in the world.”

            Eventually I realized work had taken its toll on my husband, my family, and me. I quit my job and refocused my attention on finding my happiness.

            Unfortunately on my quest to finding happiness, my husband, I believe, felt abandoned.

            After a nervous break down on his part and living on his own, he decided he wanted to move up north to be with his family and he wanted me with him as our time a part made him realize just how much he needed me in his life and how much he loved me.

            We moved and all seemed okay for a while. Unfortunately seven months after moving, this last February, when I came to visit my family, he called to tell me he had filed for divorce.

            I was left with this feeling again of not knowing my purpose in this world. I was working for a retail store, not saving lives, not making a difference and my husband, my best friend, who I had known since he was born, whom my mom had named, just left me.

            Eventually he told me he left me because he didn’t think I was a good person and he asked for me to not be in his life ever again. And since then he has not spoken to me. I kept doubting myself, who I am, my purpose, my self worth. But through it all I decided to keep smiling, to choose happiness, to do things I had never done before and to finally really start living. I went skydiving and felt my troubles start to melt away and over time I began to truly laugh again. And yes I cry from time to time and my heart feels heavy but to me that is a reminder that my soul, the window to my life, is open and awake.

            When I heard you were sick again, I went to my storage unit to find the book you had given to me. And I began reading the words I once could not understand.

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it life?

While the soul, after all, is only a window

And the opening of the window no more difficult

Than the wakening from a little sleep.

Mrs. Nick I can honestly say for the first time I am living. My soul is awake and I finally feel I may be making a difference in this world.

            I’ve chosen love, laughter, and happiness over bitterness, hate and anger and any chance I get I tell others my story. And the story of my now ex-husband. I tell them how I started working at a job I love. I tell them why I am back in Southern California and when they ask if I’m angry or upset, I tell them truthfully, “No, because just as I deserve all the happiness in the world, so does my ex-husband.” I tell them I choose happiness and although at first it took all the effort in the world for me to have these thoughts, today I no longer have to work at it. I believe that right now, in my life, this is the beautiful difference I can make. And when I read your words I finally realized I don’t need to work at a rehab or be married to make a difference or serve a purpose in this life. I needed to awaken my soul and live.

            I hope you know what an important role and beautiful difference you have made in my life and how your words from 10 years ago have played a part in my healing. I suppose as I continue to grow and live, your words and these poems will transform and grow into even more significant meanings in my life. Forever we will be bonded.

            I pray for you Mrs. Nick. My relationship with God has grown even stronger than before and I know He holds a very special place for you because of the unconditional love you have shown His children.

            All my love and more.

Huckleberry...

Today my little guy turns 8...

I love him so much. He has brought so much joy and happiness to my life and for that I am grateful. Today could have been more challenging without him. Hearing of my EH and his girlfriend, getting not so great results back from my eye doctor, having blood drawn...it could have been worse. But of course my Mr. Huck is there to calm me down and shower me with only love.

Starting Tomorrow...

My heart is so heavy...it seems each day I can't stop from crying. Although I know this is just a bad wave and that a better one is coming along, this heaviness is taking a toll. I want so badly to be living another life. One with love, support, safety and my EH.

Sometimes it's just all too much to take on by myself. And to know that he does have someone, well that just makes it unbearable.

I could crawl into bead and escape but I know that won't help heal this shattered heart of mine. Instead, I seem to eat my emotions which is also not wise. 10 lbs later and it's time for me to get it together. I said from the beginning I needed to take care of my mind, body, and soul. It's time to refocus and get it together. Starting tomorrow...

Halloween and then Some...

I was anxious as Halloween approached, unsure of how I would feel without dressing up with my EH. We always had funny last minute costumes. One year he bought an over sized munchkin costume from Wizard of Oz for me to wear, and he went as a male mermaid...6'4" 230lbs dressed as male mermaid, doesn't get any better than that.

So it was no surprise I'd be dreading doing this all alone this year. But as it turns out it was very fun. Over the past weekend, I dressed as though I was from the 80s...and went full out, thong leotard and all. On Wednesday, I dressed as Synergy from Jem. It was actually nice to be someone, something I am not, and for a couple nights let go.

I also pretended to be a non vegan and enjoyed some snickers bars, peanut butter M&Ms, butterfingers, and a toblerone bar. And I've let that continue up until and including today. Tomorrow, I have to go back to being me, and feeling good about the way I'm eating and look. To everyone else, I look fine. To me I can feel myself emotionally eating again. Something I was afraid would happen as holidays are upon us.

You see, Halloween has come and gone, and it is marks the beginning of the holiday season. A season which I very much enjoy. But with this season comes heartache because it will be the first without my EH. And I can tell my eating is connected to the fact that I am no longer married.

I haven't been with anyone since my EH filed for divorce. My friends and family think I could be with someone if I wanted to, but to be honest I think who I am scares most guys off. The short hair, the loud personality, some people find me unapproachable. I had a friend tell me the other day I need to grow my hair out, because guys find that more attractive. I know it comes from a loving place, but when I hear that, and she's not the first to say it, my spirit gets crushed. As I said in my last post, I'm not changing who I am or what I like to fit in someone else's mold. If a guy can't take my short hair, he's not for me. And it's probably why I haven't been with someone.

Holidays are difficult enough, but being alone makes it just a little more difficult. And although I love this time of year, I am dreading each holiday as it approaches.