Halloween and then Some...

I was anxious as Halloween approached, unsure of how I would feel without dressing up with my EH. We always had funny last minute costumes. One year he bought an over sized munchkin costume from Wizard of Oz for me to wear, and he went as a male mermaid...6'4" 230lbs dressed as male mermaid, doesn't get any better than that.

So it was no surprise I'd be dreading doing this all alone this year. But as it turns out it was very fun. Over the past weekend, I dressed as though I was from the 80s...and went full out, thong leotard and all. On Wednesday, I dressed as Synergy from Jem. It was actually nice to be someone, something I am not, and for a couple nights let go.

I also pretended to be a non vegan and enjoyed some snickers bars, peanut butter M&Ms, butterfingers, and a toblerone bar. And I've let that continue up until and including today. Tomorrow, I have to go back to being me, and feeling good about the way I'm eating and look. To everyone else, I look fine. To me I can feel myself emotionally eating again. Something I was afraid would happen as holidays are upon us.

You see, Halloween has come and gone, and it is marks the beginning of the holiday season. A season which I very much enjoy. But with this season comes heartache because it will be the first without my EH. And I can tell my eating is connected to the fact that I am no longer married.

I haven't been with anyone since my EH filed for divorce. My friends and family think I could be with someone if I wanted to, but to be honest I think who I am scares most guys off. The short hair, the loud personality, some people find me unapproachable. I had a friend tell me the other day I need to grow my hair out, because guys find that more attractive. I know it comes from a loving place, but when I hear that, and she's not the first to say it, my spirit gets crushed. As I said in my last post, I'm not changing who I am or what I like to fit in someone else's mold. If a guy can't take my short hair, he's not for me. And it's probably why I haven't been with someone.

Holidays are difficult enough, but being alone makes it just a little more difficult. And although I love this time of year, I am dreading each holiday as it approaches.