Mrs. Nick...

Recently I found out that a former teacher of mine was sick again. We were asked to write letters of well wishes, memories, anything to let her know we are thinking of her and praying for her. Here is my letter...I share it with you because it has to do with what I hope this blog is achieving. The only edit I have made, is with my name and the name of my EH.

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it life?

While the soul, after all, is only a window

And the opening of the window no more difficult

Than the wakening from a little sleep.

            ~ Mary Oliver

Dear Mrs. Nick,

            You once gave me a book of poems and prose poems, West Wind, by Mary Oliver. In it you wrote, “Keep your heart up. May this inspire you to make a beautiful difference in our world. You have already made a difference in me.”

            When you first gave me this gift I could not understand nor believe that I had made any type of beautiful difference in your world and it seemed even more impossible that I could make a difference in the world I was living in. I felt so insignificant and uninspiring. I went to college, studied journalism, and again I felt I was just going through the motions.

            Then I got married to a childhood friend, the love of my life, and began working at a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center. I thought I had finally found my place in the world, one that was making a difference. During this time my mom was also recovering from a traumatic brain injury and although I felt I was making a difference in this world by working at a rehab, I felt weaker than ever. And I took out all my anger and frustration on my husband. I also gave up on my independence and relied solely on him. I no longer lived but poured myself into my work and “making a difference in the world.”

            Eventually I realized work had taken its toll on my husband, my family, and me. I quit my job and refocused my attention on finding my happiness.

            Unfortunately on my quest to finding happiness, my husband, I believe, felt abandoned.

            After a nervous break down on his part and living on his own, he decided he wanted to move up north to be with his family and he wanted me with him as our time a part made him realize just how much he needed me in his life and how much he loved me.

            We moved and all seemed okay for a while. Unfortunately seven months after moving, this last February, when I came to visit my family, he called to tell me he had filed for divorce.

            I was left with this feeling again of not knowing my purpose in this world. I was working for a retail store, not saving lives, not making a difference and my husband, my best friend, who I had known since he was born, whom my mom had named, just left me.

            Eventually he told me he left me because he didn’t think I was a good person and he asked for me to not be in his life ever again. And since then he has not spoken to me. I kept doubting myself, who I am, my purpose, my self worth. But through it all I decided to keep smiling, to choose happiness, to do things I had never done before and to finally really start living. I went skydiving and felt my troubles start to melt away and over time I began to truly laugh again. And yes I cry from time to time and my heart feels heavy but to me that is a reminder that my soul, the window to my life, is open and awake.

            When I heard you were sick again, I went to my storage unit to find the book you had given to me. And I began reading the words I once could not understand.

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it life?

While the soul, after all, is only a window

And the opening of the window no more difficult

Than the wakening from a little sleep.

Mrs. Nick I can honestly say for the first time I am living. My soul is awake and I finally feel I may be making a difference in this world.

            I’ve chosen love, laughter, and happiness over bitterness, hate and anger and any chance I get I tell others my story. And the story of my now ex-husband. I tell them how I started working at a job I love. I tell them why I am back in Southern California and when they ask if I’m angry or upset, I tell them truthfully, “No, because just as I deserve all the happiness in the world, so does my ex-husband.” I tell them I choose happiness and although at first it took all the effort in the world for me to have these thoughts, today I no longer have to work at it. I believe that right now, in my life, this is the beautiful difference I can make. And when I read your words I finally realized I don’t need to work at a rehab or be married to make a difference or serve a purpose in this life. I needed to awaken my soul and live.

            I hope you know what an important role and beautiful difference you have made in my life and how your words from 10 years ago have played a part in my healing. I suppose as I continue to grow and live, your words and these poems will transform and grow into even more significant meanings in my life. Forever we will be bonded.

            I pray for you Mrs. Nick. My relationship with God has grown even stronger than before and I know He holds a very special place for you because of the unconditional love you have shown His children.

            All my love and more.