It's obvious I am going through a difficult time, where I am working on figuring out how to balance life and work. But the one constant that I am grateful for, is my relationship.
It is about the only thing that isn't tumultuous right now. In fact, being with Bear and feeling his constant love and support, has given me a break from everything else that seems to be crashing down around me.
What is amazing and an incredible feeling is that he loves me for me.
Recently, and it comes as no big surprise, I changed my hair style and color up again. People always ask me, "How does Bear like it? Is he okay with you changing your hair?"
I always reply with, "Well, ya I think he does. I mean he met me when I had short hair." To which I get, "Oh so he's a short hair kind of guy," or my favorite, "Wow, what a sport!"
When I first cut my hair short, I had this feeling my EH hated it. He always said he didn't mind, come to find out after the divorce, he told a friend that my hair really did bother him.
So I asked Bear what he thought about my hair, whether it bothered him. His answer, I should have expected. "I fell in love with you, not your hair. But your hair is badass and you look sexy."
So the next time someone asks me how Bear likes my hair, I now have the answer for them.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Get Back On...
So I guess it's true what they say "When you fall off the horse, you have to get back on." Or in my case a bicycle...eating, goals, life, etc.
Yes I literally fell off my bike this weekend. To be fair, I only just got the bike for Christmas, and this was the first real long ride I was taking on it. Of course, falling off your bike at 29 years old is much...much much different than when you are 5 and falling off a bike.
It really wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to get back on.
While I was on the ground, bleeding and bruised I really thought for a minute that I wouldn't get back on. And then it hit me...so much of my life right now is sitting slumped over on the ground.
Eating...haven't been eating well...goals...have been at a standstill...life...yup on the ground bleeding and bruised.
So back on I got, and forward I went. Because if I couldn't get back on my bike I was sure these other aspects of my life would continue to lay there right with me. So forward I go.
Yes I literally fell off my bike this weekend. To be fair, I only just got the bike for Christmas, and this was the first real long ride I was taking on it. Of course, falling off your bike at 29 years old is much...much much different than when you are 5 and falling off a bike.
It really wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to get back on.
While I was on the ground, bleeding and bruised I really thought for a minute that I wouldn't get back on. And then it hit me...so much of my life right now is sitting slumped over on the ground.
Eating...haven't been eating well...goals...have been at a standstill...life...yup on the ground bleeding and bruised.
So back on I got, and forward I went. Because if I couldn't get back on my bike I was sure these other aspects of my life would continue to lay there right with me. So forward I go.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
11 years...
11 years...it's been 11 years since I saw my grandfather. 11 years since I heard him call me by my nickname. 11 years since I've seen him walk up the steps to my parents' house. 11 years since I have seen him look lovingly at my grandmother. 11 years since I've heard him crack one of his jokes. 11 years, which is just too f**king long.
This last weekend, I was fortunate to be able to see my cousins' documentary about the Portland, Mavericks, an independently owned Minor League baseball team. A ragtag team, owned by my grandfather.
To say the film touched me, would be an understatement. First, I saw footage of my grandfather, including interviews, which I had never seen before. I heard his voice again. Not just the voice in my head that I hear when I think of him, or his acting voice I have heard when seeing an old episode of him Bonanza. But his voice. The voice I haven't heard in 11 years.
And it was beautiful.
Secondly, the story is an incredible one of going after what you want and not letting the fear of failure get in the way. When you go after your passion, the end result is much much sweeter. And failure, well there might be failure along the way, but that will only bring you closer to success.
If you are wondering whether you will be able to see this film, the answer is yes. July 11th, you will be able to watch in on Netflix. So set your reminders and get ready to be inspired.
This last weekend, I was fortunate to be able to see my cousins' documentary about the Portland, Mavericks, an independently owned Minor League baseball team. A ragtag team, owned by my grandfather.
To say the film touched me, would be an understatement. First, I saw footage of my grandfather, including interviews, which I had never seen before. I heard his voice again. Not just the voice in my head that I hear when I think of him, or his acting voice I have heard when seeing an old episode of him Bonanza. But his voice. The voice I haven't heard in 11 years.
And it was beautiful.
Secondly, the story is an incredible one of going after what you want and not letting the fear of failure get in the way. When you go after your passion, the end result is much much sweeter. And failure, well there might be failure along the way, but that will only bring you closer to success.
If you are wondering whether you will be able to see this film, the answer is yes. July 11th, you will be able to watch in on Netflix. So set your reminders and get ready to be inspired.
Friday, June 6, 2014
Learning To Be...
I'm learning to be patient with myself. Every day at work, I feel like I'm being pushed in ways that I have not experienced before. I know that I'm growing because of it, but I am hard on myself.
And what I am practicing is being kind to myself and my learning curve. It's okay that I don't know everything right now. How could I know everything? This is the first time I have been given this type of opportunity, to essentially run a business. And it's challenging. Exciting, but challenging.
Now if I can balance my career with my personal life, I would feel much more...I don't know what I would feel, but I assume it would be better than how I am feeling currently. See, a few things have fallen through the cracks. Extending my personal training exam, is the first that comes to mind and the one that stands out the most.
It's my goal to be a personal trainer. And I can't let that just fall by the wayside. I can't let any of my personal life fall by the wayside.
And what I am practicing is being kind to myself and my learning curve. It's okay that I don't know everything right now. How could I know everything? This is the first time I have been given this type of opportunity, to essentially run a business. And it's challenging. Exciting, but challenging.
Now if I can balance my career with my personal life, I would feel much more...I don't know what I would feel, but I assume it would be better than how I am feeling currently. See, a few things have fallen through the cracks. Extending my personal training exam, is the first that comes to mind and the one that stands out the most.
It's my goal to be a personal trainer. And I can't let that just fall by the wayside. I can't let any of my personal life fall by the wayside.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Me First...
It's been one month. One month since I have taken a moment to sit down and write to all of you what is going on in my life.
So what could have possibly happened that would take me away from one of my greatest passions...writing.
Well I will tell you. I was given the opportunity to open a pop-up store for my company. They asked me to build the store from ground up, and as I look back on these four weeks, I can easily say it was one of the biggest challenges for me.
I have spent 4 weeks creating a vision, executing a vision, and bringing to life something that I could not have possibly imagined before it all began.
Of course I couldn't have done it without Bear. There are just some things I can't possibly build and create. And what he was able to do, is nothing short of incredible.
The downfall, my health. I am finally catching up on four weeks of sleep. I haven't worked out in 4 days, which for me is pretty long. I haven't been eating healthy. I have gained weight. I have been stressed for the last four weeks. Sleepless nights, take out meals...it's taken a toll.
But, when I look back it was definitely worth it. I have learned valuable lessons through out this project, which will continue on through September. There will be more stress to come, but for tonight I am enjoying the time I have to breathe and the lessons I have learned.
Tomorrow I began a new day. Back to taking care of me first. And I am looking forward to it.
So what could have possibly happened that would take me away from one of my greatest passions...writing.
Well I will tell you. I was given the opportunity to open a pop-up store for my company. They asked me to build the store from ground up, and as I look back on these four weeks, I can easily say it was one of the biggest challenges for me.
I have spent 4 weeks creating a vision, executing a vision, and bringing to life something that I could not have possibly imagined before it all began.
Of course I couldn't have done it without Bear. There are just some things I can't possibly build and create. And what he was able to do, is nothing short of incredible.
The downfall, my health. I am finally catching up on four weeks of sleep. I haven't worked out in 4 days, which for me is pretty long. I haven't been eating healthy. I have gained weight. I have been stressed for the last four weeks. Sleepless nights, take out meals...it's taken a toll.
But, when I look back it was definitely worth it. I have learned valuable lessons through out this project, which will continue on through September. There will be more stress to come, but for tonight I am enjoying the time I have to breathe and the lessons I have learned.
Tomorrow I began a new day. Back to taking care of me first. And I am looking forward to it.
Friday, April 25, 2014
29 & Happy...That's Right Happy
Some days I think I should change my heading so that it reads 29 & Happy...That's Right Happy.
Why...because the divorce no longer defines who I am. It's something that is a part of my past along with a million other experiences I have gone through. It's no longer the dark cloud looming over my head ready to dump a shitty rain storm down on me.
Do I have sad days...difficult moments...of course. But mostly I am happy. Because I choose to be. Even when I am stressed and having a mini meltdown, I choose to let happiness be my driving force.
Most recently I've been stressed over a project I am doing at work. Stressed because I am pushing myself in ways I have never done before. So between 2 and 5 AM I've started to find myself staring at the ceiling telling myself, "There's nothing you can do right now. It's 2 AM and there is nothing you can do." Which then turns into, "It's 4 AM there is absolutely nothing you can do." And by 5, I've finally found myself back in a sweet slumber only to wake up soon after to actually get my day started.
So the stress is there, the sadness is sometimes there, the difficult moments are there, but the overwhelming desire to be happy takes over and because of that I am 29 & Happy...That's Right Happy.
Why...because the divorce no longer defines who I am. It's something that is a part of my past along with a million other experiences I have gone through. It's no longer the dark cloud looming over my head ready to dump a shitty rain storm down on me.
Do I have sad days...difficult moments...of course. But mostly I am happy. Because I choose to be. Even when I am stressed and having a mini meltdown, I choose to let happiness be my driving force.
Most recently I've been stressed over a project I am doing at work. Stressed because I am pushing myself in ways I have never done before. So between 2 and 5 AM I've started to find myself staring at the ceiling telling myself, "There's nothing you can do right now. It's 2 AM and there is nothing you can do." Which then turns into, "It's 4 AM there is absolutely nothing you can do." And by 5, I've finally found myself back in a sweet slumber only to wake up soon after to actually get my day started.
So the stress is there, the sadness is sometimes there, the difficult moments are there, but the overwhelming desire to be happy takes over and because of that I am 29 & Happy...That's Right Happy.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
Pushed Back...
There are so many amazing things about my job...one of them is creating a vision for myself 10 years from today and then setting goals for myself.
This month I will be accomplishing a goal I had set for myself in 5 years. As for my goals for this year, I have been crushing them left and right, however becoming a certified personal trainer may have to be pushed back a couple months.
I am dedicated to putting 100% in all the work I do, and after being given an incredible opportunity to manage a store with my company, I know I won't be able to put the focus I need into my studying. But I'm okay with that.
By recognizing my limitations and setting my goal for another by-when (the date at which the goal needs to be accomplished) I will be able to put the love and dedication I believe each of these deserve.
I can't say the decision was easy. I sat there staring at my NASM book, knowing that I wasn't focused on what I was reading and getting frustrated that the material wasn't sticking with me. I kept thinking, how am I going to pass this test. And then it hit me.
I wasn't going to pass it. Because my mind was on opening a store and not on the material I was reading. I was upset with myself at first for not being able to do both. And it took me a couple weeks to get to the place where I could even admit to myself that I had to push the test date back. But I got there.
And what I've learned through this process, is that it's OK to be flexible and adjust goals accordingly. My goal of being a personal trainer isn't going by the wayside. It's still there. And having this opportunity to manage a store is going to help me in eventually manage my personal training business.
This month I will be accomplishing a goal I had set for myself in 5 years. As for my goals for this year, I have been crushing them left and right, however becoming a certified personal trainer may have to be pushed back a couple months.
I am dedicated to putting 100% in all the work I do, and after being given an incredible opportunity to manage a store with my company, I know I won't be able to put the focus I need into my studying. But I'm okay with that.
By recognizing my limitations and setting my goal for another by-when (the date at which the goal needs to be accomplished) I will be able to put the love and dedication I believe each of these deserve.
I can't say the decision was easy. I sat there staring at my NASM book, knowing that I wasn't focused on what I was reading and getting frustrated that the material wasn't sticking with me. I kept thinking, how am I going to pass this test. And then it hit me.
I wasn't going to pass it. Because my mind was on opening a store and not on the material I was reading. I was upset with myself at first for not being able to do both. And it took me a couple weeks to get to the place where I could even admit to myself that I had to push the test date back. But I got there.
And what I've learned through this process, is that it's OK to be flexible and adjust goals accordingly. My goal of being a personal trainer isn't going by the wayside. It's still there. And having this opportunity to manage a store is going to help me in eventually manage my personal training business.
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