Believe...

I am so happy to be where I am today. Emotionally and spiritually.

This time of year is always my favorite, and I had previously worried I would have mixed emotions as this will be the first Christmas without my EH. I could not have been more wrong. I am so happy. And full of Christmas spirit. In fact, the only time I've thought about my EH, was when I sat down to write this post. Other than that I am so wrapped up in enjoying every moment of every day, that I have no time to think of him. And if I do, it's for a split second, and I have no emotional reaction. It's how I know I'm healing. I have no anger or love. I'm in essence I'm indifferent.

Did I ever think I would get here...no. But I am here. And I love it. I love feeling free. I love being independent. I love doing things for me and being truly happy.

And I love Christmas. I do. I am a true believer in Santa Claus, and all throughout this holiday season, I have felt his spirit with me. When I was five, I had a Santa Claus experience unlike any one's I have ever heard. It is something no one will ever be able to take away from me, and it is something that I am reminded of each Christmas.

As I've grown older, my S.C. moments have developed and transformed into different ways. Each as special and memorable as my first Santa Claus experience. I suspect like I have every year, I will be hearing his bells this Christmas Eve. And I can't wait to wake up Christmas morning with my family and be surrounded by their love and the magic of Christmas.

And most importantly I can't wait to celebrate the birth of Christ and keep him present throughout the day.