Nuncle's Voice...

Over the last year and 5 months my niece who is now 41/2 years old has asked me questions about my EH, her Nuncle, that have have sometimes stopped me in my tracks.

For 3 1/2 years...the first years of her life, my Eh, sister, brother-in-law and my niece, all lived together.

Needless to say, she became very close to my EH, and with this divorce it has been challenging for her young brain to wrap around the idea of being together to not being together.

In the beginning she would ask me questions like why wasn't I with Nuncle...did Nuncle not love me anymore...why does Nuncle not want to be "narried"...that was always my favorite, the mispronunciation would always make me laugh.

She would tell me to go drive and see him, or don't worry Ace (her nickname for me), Nuncle still loves you.

Oh it would break my heart. Seeing her trying to figure it out. And then realizing that not only would her Ace wouldn't see him but that she wasn't going to be seeing him either.

Before I started seeing Bear, she told me I needed to find a new Nuncle. And so when I started dating Bear and when I knew it was becoming serious I wondered if he would be the replacement she wanted for me. I introduced Bear as my friend, and so when the subject of finding someone for me to marry came up again, she told me quite honestly that I couldn't marry Bear because he was my friend not husband.

Oh, she loves Bear. Face Timing him, playing games with him, sending him video messages, but to her Bear was just my friend. Now that it's been a little time she's recently she's told me I can do whatever I want, marry him not marry him : )

Then today as we were driving and we were talking about her unbelievable memory, I asked her if she remembered the giant Mickey and Minnie I use to have and that she would snuggle with. She said, "Yes"  with a big smile on her face. Then paused for a bit and said "Ace I don't remember Nuncle's voice anymore, do you remember it? What does it sound like?"

To be honest, I don't. It's been so long. I didn't know what to say, I felt so choked up...for both of us. 

When I didn't answer she moved on and said, "Why didn't he like you anymore?"

Again, I was at a loss. But this time I mustered up a response.

"I don't think he didn't like me anymore, I think maybe someone else came into his life that he loved."

 She laughed and said "No that's not it. Do you miss him?"

 "I do, every once in a while, not all the time."

"Do you miss him now?"

"I do...ya right now I do."

"Do you love Bear more than him?"

"I love them both in very different ways."

"I should set up a play date with Bear so that we remember each other."

"I think that's a great idea."

"I should set up a play date with Nuncle and Bear so they can remember each other."

That made me laugh.

Luckily we arrived at our destination and there weren't anymore questions to be asked.

But as I sit here thinking of the conversation it breaks my heart to know just how affected my niece was by the divorce.

And I'm happy she feels comfortable talking about it with me.

In the past I would get angry with my EH, thinking how could you do this to me, to my family, to my brother-in-law, to my niece?!

But I don't feel that way anymore. Because I don't want to be with him. I changed for the better because of the divorce and the person I am today could not be with the person my EH was and most likely is today.

I am so much more fulfilled in my life today, than I ever was. And my relationship with Bear is that much better because of it.

I know these questions will come...far and few between, but one day when she is much older I hope I can share this experience with her and show her that even during our most difficult moments, there is always light at the end of the dark tunnel and that the journey is well worth it.