This last November I wrote a post...a copy of a letter I wrote to a teacher I had just found out was battling cancer again.
It is with sad news I must tell you that that same teacher of mine passed away.
After re-reading my letter to her, I was once again hit with the deep knowledge that I am truly living and not just going through the motions.
I believe if Mrs. Nick saw me today, she would be proud. I am proud.
Mrs. Nick you will be missed greatly, but it is my goal, my honor to pass on the wisdom and guidance you gave to me.
Your words will continue to live on, and you will continue to touch others as you have touched me.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Better Than Before...
I didn't think it would happen...so quickly...so easily...falling in love.
I can recall the moment, I fell so completely in love with Bear, with no abandonment.
We had just finished having an intense conversation, and when I asked him after how he felt about us, he said "I feel like we're better than before."
When he said those words, I felt every wall surrounding my heart come crashing down.
His honesty, his insight into what a successful relationship entails, has never made me feel so secure in all my 28 years.
I know that whatever disagreement, argument, intense conversation we may have in the future, we will always walk away better than before.
I can recall the moment, I fell so completely in love with Bear, with no abandonment.
We had just finished having an intense conversation, and when I asked him after how he felt about us, he said "I feel like we're better than before."
When he said those words, I felt every wall surrounding my heart come crashing down.
His honesty, his insight into what a successful relationship entails, has never made me feel so secure in all my 28 years.
I know that whatever disagreement, argument, intense conversation we may have in the future, we will always walk away better than before.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Personal Space...
I think it's important for everyone to have their own personal space...somewhere they can go and be alone. Whether to meditate, listen to their favorite music, dance it out, whatever it is, a space they can let it all go.
My drive to work has increased exponentially. I no longer work 20 minutes away...on a good day it's a 40 min drive...on most days I'm looking at an hour to an hour 15 minute drive.
I have a lot of people tell me how brutal a drive like that is...and it can be at times. But this week I began practicing using that drive as my alone time. My time to think, to listen to music, and to prepare and decompress from the day.
When I begin to feel sorry for myself and fixate on the fact that I have such a long drive, I miss the opportunity to take the hour and plan my day, reflect on my day, clear my mind of any negative emotions, thoughts, or feelings.
So although, the drive is not ideal, it does have its benefits and for that I am grateful.
My drive to work has increased exponentially. I no longer work 20 minutes away...on a good day it's a 40 min drive...on most days I'm looking at an hour to an hour 15 minute drive.
I have a lot of people tell me how brutal a drive like that is...and it can be at times. But this week I began practicing using that drive as my alone time. My time to think, to listen to music, and to prepare and decompress from the day.
When I begin to feel sorry for myself and fixate on the fact that I have such a long drive, I miss the opportunity to take the hour and plan my day, reflect on my day, clear my mind of any negative emotions, thoughts, or feelings.
So although, the drive is not ideal, it does have its benefits and for that I am grateful.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Tetris...
So much to do, so little time to do it in.
Doesn't it always seem to be this way...with work, relationships, family, and friends. How do you fit it all in?
Some days I feel like I have it all figured out, putting it all together like an amazing game of Tetris. Passing each level as it comes my way. Then there are days, weeks, months, where I feel like I can't pass level 1.
As is the case this week. I feel like I am playing catch up in all aspects of my life.
Whether it's not being able to work out so I can get some sleep...not having time to catch up with my friends...working 7 days in a row...not seeing my family...still figuring out this whole long distance relationship. Well right now, I'm nowhere near passing this level of Tetris, but I'm hoping that maybe in a couple weeks from now...couple months even, I'll be fitting these pieces of my life together a little better than I have been.
Doesn't it always seem to be this way...with work, relationships, family, and friends. How do you fit it all in?
Some days I feel like I have it all figured out, putting it all together like an amazing game of Tetris. Passing each level as it comes my way. Then there are days, weeks, months, where I feel like I can't pass level 1.
As is the case this week. I feel like I am playing catch up in all aspects of my life.
Whether it's not being able to work out so I can get some sleep...not having time to catch up with my friends...working 7 days in a row...not seeing my family...still figuring out this whole long distance relationship. Well right now, I'm nowhere near passing this level of Tetris, but I'm hoping that maybe in a couple weeks from now...couple months even, I'll be fitting these pieces of my life together a little better than I have been.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Long and Healthy...
I think the best part about my relationship with Bear is that we aren't looking to complete each other. We aren't looking for one another to make the other happy.
Over the last year, we have worked to do that ourselves. And because of that our relationship is much more enriching. We are two individuals coming together, choosing to be with one another despite the trials we have been put through over the last year and we are choosing to love again and trust in each other.
We don't bring the baggage from our last relationships to the table and expect that the other change to fit whatever mold it is we think we need. We add to each others' happiness...never taking away or completing. We are also set on continuing to hold onto our goals.
I think it is so important to hold onto the goals you have set for yourself before being in a relationship and not loose track of them.
For example, shark diving. I want to go shark diving, which is something Bear does not share with me. And I would never want him to force himself to go with me, if that is something he has no desire to do. In the same token, I don't want to give up this dream because it's something my partner does not want to do.
Of course, I want to develop dreams and goals with Bear that we can accomplish together, but what I want most if for us, as individuals, is to never lose sight of who we are...to never give up on what we want to accomplish...and to always seek happiness....and always add to each others' happiness.
I believe if we can do this, we can have a very long and healthy relationship.
Over the last year, we have worked to do that ourselves. And because of that our relationship is much more enriching. We are two individuals coming together, choosing to be with one another despite the trials we have been put through over the last year and we are choosing to love again and trust in each other.
We don't bring the baggage from our last relationships to the table and expect that the other change to fit whatever mold it is we think we need. We add to each others' happiness...never taking away or completing. We are also set on continuing to hold onto our goals.
I think it is so important to hold onto the goals you have set for yourself before being in a relationship and not loose track of them.
For example, shark diving. I want to go shark diving, which is something Bear does not share with me. And I would never want him to force himself to go with me, if that is something he has no desire to do. In the same token, I don't want to give up this dream because it's something my partner does not want to do.
Of course, I want to develop dreams and goals with Bear that we can accomplish together, but what I want most if for us, as individuals, is to never lose sight of who we are...to never give up on what we want to accomplish...and to always seek happiness....and always add to each others' happiness.
I believe if we can do this, we can have a very long and healthy relationship.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Gift To Myself...
I've been wanting to write this post, but wasn't sure when a good time would be.
First of all I was worried I may not stick to the promise I made with myself...secondly I'm not sure how what I am about to write will relate to any of you. Although I must admit most of what I write I question how relevant it is.
In any case, on December 24, 2012, I gave myself a present. For 3 years I weighed myself morning and night. In the beginning I was not attached to a number, I was just curious of what eating healthy and working out would result in. My goal from the very beginning of my weight loss journey, was never to get to a number.
Then something happened along the way, especially when I got thinner and thinner. I became focused on becoming a certain weight, than maintaining that weight.
Problem was, my body was on overdrive...I was stressed and I was burning calories without even trying to. I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight. Every person's dream come true.
Unfortunately, actually fortunately, that stress dissipated and my body was no longer over working itself. And I started gaining weight. Most would say, much needed weight.
Me, I liked the way I looked. I liked the super thin, sick look. I know, I know...not healthy. But I have to be honest, I liked the way I looked and the way I felt. And I LOVED that I could eat what I wanted and not gain weight.
That being said, my body needed something else. It needed a little more fat, and more muscle. And so from February to December I gained 15 lbs. When I got to my thinnest I had lost 54 lbs...but again it was never originally about a number, it was about being healthy and happy.
So when I kept seeing my weight increase from February through December, I decided for Christmas I would gift myself with the present of no longer weighing myself. Of staying true to my goal of just being healthy and happy and loving myself with whatever shape that would transform itself to being.
It hasn't been easy. Actually it's been really difficult. I slipped up once and had a little breakdown. But I didn't continue down a self destructive path...instead I reminded myself of why I eat the way I eat, why I work out the way I do...and I reminded myself of what truly matters to me.
And so I've only slipped up once. And I've stayed true to my promise to myself, my precious gift. And I have not weighed myself since then.
I do eat more than I use to...sometimes I work out only 4-5 days a week. But all in all, I'm happy with the mental progress I have made. Although I'm not perfect.
I find that at time I still criticize my body...am still searching for what I use to have...what I considered perfection. But I'm working on it. I'm not letting it become my goal. I have those thoughts and acknowledge the flaw in that thinking and I move on.
Bear's helping me with it too. When he tells me how beautiful I am, and when I respond with a scoff, he reminds me of how much more positive it is to say thank you in those moments.
He's good at that. Saying thank you, when I compliment him. And there may be times when he doesn't feel like saying it, but he does. I'm working on it. And I can't wait for the day when I say thank you...and actually mean it.
First of all I was worried I may not stick to the promise I made with myself...secondly I'm not sure how what I am about to write will relate to any of you. Although I must admit most of what I write I question how relevant it is.
In any case, on December 24, 2012, I gave myself a present. For 3 years I weighed myself morning and night. In the beginning I was not attached to a number, I was just curious of what eating healthy and working out would result in. My goal from the very beginning of my weight loss journey, was never to get to a number.
Then something happened along the way, especially when I got thinner and thinner. I became focused on becoming a certain weight, than maintaining that weight.
Problem was, my body was on overdrive...I was stressed and I was burning calories without even trying to. I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight. Every person's dream come true.
Unfortunately, actually fortunately, that stress dissipated and my body was no longer over working itself. And I started gaining weight. Most would say, much needed weight.
Me, I liked the way I looked. I liked the super thin, sick look. I know, I know...not healthy. But I have to be honest, I liked the way I looked and the way I felt. And I LOVED that I could eat what I wanted and not gain weight.
That being said, my body needed something else. It needed a little more fat, and more muscle. And so from February to December I gained 15 lbs. When I got to my thinnest I had lost 54 lbs...but again it was never originally about a number, it was about being healthy and happy.
So when I kept seeing my weight increase from February through December, I decided for Christmas I would gift myself with the present of no longer weighing myself. Of staying true to my goal of just being healthy and happy and loving myself with whatever shape that would transform itself to being.
It hasn't been easy. Actually it's been really difficult. I slipped up once and had a little breakdown. But I didn't continue down a self destructive path...instead I reminded myself of why I eat the way I eat, why I work out the way I do...and I reminded myself of what truly matters to me.
And so I've only slipped up once. And I've stayed true to my promise to myself, my precious gift. And I have not weighed myself since then.
I do eat more than I use to...sometimes I work out only 4-5 days a week. But all in all, I'm happy with the mental progress I have made. Although I'm not perfect.
I find that at time I still criticize my body...am still searching for what I use to have...what I considered perfection. But I'm working on it. I'm not letting it become my goal. I have those thoughts and acknowledge the flaw in that thinking and I move on.
Bear's helping me with it too. When he tells me how beautiful I am, and when I respond with a scoff, he reminds me of how much more positive it is to say thank you in those moments.
He's good at that. Saying thank you, when I compliment him. And there may be times when he doesn't feel like saying it, but he does. I'm working on it. And I can't wait for the day when I say thank you...and actually mean it.
Monday, May 20, 2013
10 Years...
Over the weekend I celebrated my 10 year High School Reunion.
Where has the time gone? 10 years seems a lifetime ago, yet when I was sitting around talking to some classmates I hadn't seen since graduation, I didn't feel like that much time had gone by.
To be honest, I was dreading my reunion. My divorce was just finalized...I'm still getting back on my feet, and I've gained 15 pounds this year. All of these are actually positives, but how do you convey that to someone you haven't seen in 10 years.
And then, I started talking to my old classmates and all my worries melted away. I realized that the women I was speaking with, well they were all supportive. I went to an all girls Catholic High School. And I truly feel that each and one of us who were there that evening, had grown into amazing young women.
An old classmate of ours posted something on her Facebook about how traumatic HS was for her. How people laughed at her...I think HS, college, life, work, etc. is whatever we make of it. If she could have taken a step back and not played the victim she might have realized in going to the reunion how much everyone has grown.
For me it was a gift being able to see everyone and how happy their lives were. And to share with them just a snippet of what my life has been the past decade.
Where has the time gone? 10 years seems a lifetime ago, yet when I was sitting around talking to some classmates I hadn't seen since graduation, I didn't feel like that much time had gone by.
To be honest, I was dreading my reunion. My divorce was just finalized...I'm still getting back on my feet, and I've gained 15 pounds this year. All of these are actually positives, but how do you convey that to someone you haven't seen in 10 years.
And then, I started talking to my old classmates and all my worries melted away. I realized that the women I was speaking with, well they were all supportive. I went to an all girls Catholic High School. And I truly feel that each and one of us who were there that evening, had grown into amazing young women.
An old classmate of ours posted something on her Facebook about how traumatic HS was for her. How people laughed at her...I think HS, college, life, work, etc. is whatever we make of it. If she could have taken a step back and not played the victim she might have realized in going to the reunion how much everyone has grown.
For me it was a gift being able to see everyone and how happy their lives were. And to share with them just a snippet of what my life has been the past decade.
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