Gift To Myself...

I've been wanting to write this post, but wasn't sure when a good time would be.

First of all I was worried I may not stick to the promise I made with myself...secondly I'm not sure how what I am about to write will relate to any of you. Although I must admit most of what I write I question how relevant it is.

In any case, on December 24, 2012, I gave myself a present. For 3 years I weighed myself morning and night. In the beginning I was not attached to a number, I was just curious of what eating healthy and working out would result in. My goal from the very beginning of my weight loss journey, was never to get to a number.

Then something happened along the way, especially when I got thinner and thinner. I became focused on becoming a certain weight, than maintaining that weight.

Problem was, my body was on overdrive...I was stressed and I was burning calories without even trying to. I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight. Every person's dream come true.

Unfortunately, actually fortunately, that stress dissipated and my body was no longer over working itself. And I started gaining weight. Most would say, much needed weight.

Me, I liked the way I looked. I liked the super thin, sick look. I know, I know...not healthy. But I have to be honest, I liked the way I looked and the way I felt. And I LOVED that I could eat what I wanted and not gain weight.

That being said, my body needed something else. It needed a little more fat, and more muscle. And so from February to December I gained 15 lbs. When I got to my thinnest I had lost 54 lbs...but again it was never originally about a number, it was about being healthy and happy.

So when I kept seeing my weight increase from February through December, I decided for Christmas I would gift myself with the present of no longer weighing myself. Of staying true to my goal of just being healthy and happy and loving myself with whatever shape that would transform itself to being.

It hasn't been easy. Actually it's been really difficult. I slipped up once and had a little breakdown. But I didn't continue down a self destructive path...instead I reminded myself of why I eat the way I eat, why I work out the way I do...and I reminded myself of what truly matters to me.

And so I've only slipped up once. And I've stayed true to my promise to myself, my precious gift. And I have not weighed myself since then.

I do eat more than I use to...sometimes I work out only 4-5 days a week. But all in all, I'm happy with the mental progress I have made. Although I'm not perfect.

I find that at time I still criticize my body...am still searching for what I use to have...what I considered perfection. But I'm working on it. I'm not letting it become my goal. I have those thoughts and acknowledge the flaw in that thinking and I move on.

Bear's helping me with it too. When he tells me how beautiful I am, and when I respond with a scoff, he reminds me of how much more positive it is to say thank you in those moments.

He's good at that. Saying thank you, when I compliment him. And there may be times when he doesn't feel like saying it, but he does. I'm working on it. And I can't wait for the day when I say thank you...and actually mean it.