Nightmare...

Today, and typically most days, I feel like I am a. having a nightmare and any moment I will wake up and my EH will be holding me and we will laugh that I had a dream of him leaving or b.  that I'm living someone else's life.

None of this feels real to me. And I can't process why this is all happening because my EH hasn't given me a reasonable explanation as to why he is doing this. I've told him so many times over the last couple months that if he could just tell me why, than I'd have something to hold onto that would help me move forward, on, whatever it is I need to be doing.

He makes moving on seem so easy as if not talking to me comes second nature to him. How, after all this time, can it be so easy for him? And all I can come up with, is because he knows why he's doing this. He knows why he has made this decision, so he doesn't have to sit up at night wondering why. He doesn't have to feel like he's in a nightmare or living someone else's life.

I want that. I want that peace of mind. I'm so lucky with the friends that I have, and for my family. They keep me smiling and looking forward to new adventures, but there is a definite piece of me missing. And as I face hurdle after hurdle, I no longer have my EH holding my hand and helping me through the difficult times. And with all that is happening, besides my EH leaving me, I feel like I need his hand to hold onto, otherwise I'm just going to be stumbling and falling over these hurdles.