Deserving...

Sooo...my EH didn't end up making an effort to see me. I made an 800 mile trip and in the end I realized he just does not want me in his life. Even as a friend or as an acquaintance. The sad part is I can't help but feel that I must have been a horrible person to him to be treated this way. Because in all honesty, he treats me as though he hates me. And you don't hate someone unless you have a reason. So all I can come up with is that I must have been an awful wife and an awful friend to him which if that's the case then everything he has done and continues to do, I feel that it must be deserving.

So every time someone tells me how strong or amazing I am, I feel like I am putting on the show of my life. That I am some incredible actress who shows everyone someone I must truly not be. This may all sound weird to you, even writing it sounds strange to me, but these are the feelings I have every day. And I can't shake them. As much as I want to and as much as I tell myself that regardless if I was horrible or not, I could not change my EH only he could change himself, I still feel I am responsible.

There is no doubt in my mind that my EH hates me. And hate is a very strong word. If there were a word stronger than that I might even be using it. I believe with all my heart that he hates every part of me. And any time I've asked him why he hates me, he never responds, not even to say he doesn't.

I have to say though, I had an amazing time on my weekend trip with my girlfriends. We ate, walked around the city, ate some more, laughed and cried. Cried because on the morning we had to leave, I walked to my car only to see someone had smashed into it and didn't leave a note. Just my luck or maybe just a reminder that life doesn't go according to plan.  My Ireland trip will now be put on hold, much like all my other goals I had for my life when I was with my EH. I feel I have shelves full of life goals put on hold, some never to be touched again, others to be looked at on a later date.

Oh, and I almost forgot the most memorable moment of my weekend. I was told by a gentleman (I'm being generous with my wording) that he loved my hair. Of course I said thank you, although I never really know if someone is being serious or condescending when they say that. He then asked if I would get drinks with him and I politely declined. It was this point in the conversation that he asked if he could pull my hair, because he loved it so much...hmmm not sure that's going to happen. As my aunt said I should have said yes but on one condition, if he allowed me to pull something of his. If only I could have come up with a comeback like hers, I'd have loved to see the look on his face!

Well good night readers, may your days be blessed with love, joy and happiness. And may you all never feel the pain that I am feeling. And if you are or have, know that my thoughts are with you and you are not alone.