50 lbs....

As I mentioned in a previous post, one of my first thoughts after hearing my EH wanted a divorce, was that it must have to do with me cutting my hair short. My second thought, was that I was glad I lost 50 lbs over the last couple years. That way if I had to get back into the dating scene it would be A LOT easier.

I've thought about this over the last couple weeks, and to be honest I would take those 50 lbs back if it meant that my EH and I could be together. But that's not the case.

Growing up I was never big. I was an active child. Even through out high school, I wasn't heavy. I put on weight my first year dating my EH. And when I say I put on weight, I mean I put on 40 lbs in one year. That's what happens when you are in love and you start finding new places to eat, and when someone loves you for you and not for what you look like. Even at my heaviest, I never looked the weight I was. And I was 166 pounds. At 5'3" that is considered overweight, but again I managed to hide my weight pretty well. You can ask my friends and family, and they will tell you I didn't look that heavy. They will look at pictures and say well you were wearing a baggy shirt. You didn't look THAT big. Regardless I was unhealthy. I was unhealthy because I did not exercise and I ate too many calories.

I decided two and a half years ago, I would start exercising little by little and start adding better foods to my eating habits and taking out bad foods. I had no goal weight in mind and I decided if I stayed at the weight I was, that was fine because at least I was living a healthier lifestyle. For months I did not loose weight, and then I joined an incredible private gym, started weight training, and the weight started coming off. And it's, for the most part, stayed off. I love being able to walk up stairs and not be out of breath. I like to be able to chase my niece around and my dogs around. I like the friendships I have made at the gym. Friends who are helping me through this difficult time. Who hug me when I break down in the middle of a class. Who lift me up and encourage me to move forward.

But being 50 lbs lighters has not made me a happy person. My weight does not and should not define me or what makes me happy. I am happy because I choose to be happy. Someone at the gym told me the other day, pain is inevitable suffering is optional. And although I am experiencing a great deal of pain on a day to day basis. I am choosing not to suffer but rather to be happy.

And as for the dating scene, I really don't need to worry about that right now. I don't really need to worry about the future or past. I only have to focus on the present. And what I know right now is that today will be a good day, because I am choosing to make it a good day.