Well Loved Indeed...

Evening Friends,

I am writing this new post with so much excitement. My sister and I visited Santa at Disneyland. She asked for a home and I asked for a laptop. Sometimes I believe our Christmas wishes we give to S.C. find their way back to our parents. And as was the case with my wish of a laptop. 

My parents gave me a new MacBook Air for Christmas. I don't know if I entirely deserve such a gift, but I am so happy I did. All the things I gave up in my separation/divorce, I am now getting back but even nicer and better than what I had before. 

It wasn't just this gift from my parents that touched my heart. My sisters, brother in law, and niece also gave me such thoughtful gifts, that I have felt so spoiled this year. A new ring, a beautiful bracelet, new top of the line running shoes, and a lunchbox to take to work, well loved I am indeed. 

And to top it off, I have this weekend off. A whole weekend. Two days to do what I want. So excited, as I have been working a lot this Christmas season, including the 4 days up unto Christmas, and 3 days after. So two days to do what I want, well that is quite unbelievable. 

So long dear friends, until I write again : )

Believe...

I am so happy to be where I am today. Emotionally and spiritually.

This time of year is always my favorite, and I had previously worried I would have mixed emotions as this will be the first Christmas without my EH. I could not have been more wrong. I am so happy. And full of Christmas spirit. In fact, the only time I've thought about my EH, was when I sat down to write this post. Other than that I am so wrapped up in enjoying every moment of every day, that I have no time to think of him. And if I do, it's for a split second, and I have no emotional reaction. It's how I know I'm healing. I have no anger or love. I'm in essence I'm indifferent.

Did I ever think I would get here...no. But I am here. And I love it. I love feeling free. I love being independent. I love doing things for me and being truly happy.

And I love Christmas. I do. I am a true believer in Santa Claus, and all throughout this holiday season, I have felt his spirit with me. When I was five, I had a Santa Claus experience unlike any one's I have ever heard. It is something no one will ever be able to take away from me, and it is something that I am reminded of each Christmas.

As I've grown older, my S.C. moments have developed and transformed into different ways. Each as special and memorable as my first Santa Claus experience. I suspect like I have every year, I will be hearing his bells this Christmas Eve. And I can't wait to wake up Christmas morning with my family and be surrounded by their love and the magic of Christmas.

And most importantly I can't wait to celebrate the birth of Christ and keep him present throughout the day.

Honoring Life...

As I sat and watched the news today, I could not help but be saddened by the atrocities that occurred at the elementary school in Connecticut. As I'm sure all of you were.

I saw many posts today about hugging and loving your loved ones a little more today. To me this is something we should do every day. Do not let tragedies like this, be your reminder. Every moment of every day, fill your hearts with love and appreciate those who mean the world to you.

Unfortunately we live in a world with murder, rape, molestation, etc. Lives are destroyed every day in different ways.

I once wrote about how strange it is when your world stops and those around you keep living. Today I believe all of our worlds stopped, even if for just a moment.

And even in this darkness, light was able to shine through in the form of new life. My cousin had her baby boy today. A healthy, beautiful baby boy.

I remember when my grandfather passed away, I had a difficult time laughing, even smiling again. It felt like I was doing an injustice to his memory, if I did not mourn. This completely contradicted what he wanted of us. Before he died, he told us we had one week to cry about his death. When his wife, my incredibly strong grandmother, scoffed at this, he relented and gave us two weeks. He said that any crying after those two weeks, was just pure selfishness on our part.

I think it goes deeper than that. I believe when we live in a constant state of mourning, for whatever the reason may be...death, divorce, or shootings such as today's...we lose sight of the beauty and wonder that is living.

Today I rejoiced in the birth of my cousin's baby, and I did not stop for one moment and feel bad for living, laughing, and smiling today. It did not mean that my heart was not heavy for what was occurring in Connecticut, but simply put I was honoring each life that was lost today, by truly living mine.

Worthwhile...

As I was sitting at high tea (another first) with my family and friends, I thought about how important it is to surround yourself with positive people. Genuinely kind and happy people.

It is easy to get caught up in drama and negativity, but when you rid yourself of that, life becomes much more worthwhile.

I can't deny that my blog may be full of half truths. I believe that I make that very evident in my blog, as throughout this ordeal  I was only given half truths, which all goes back to communication or lack thereof. 

Regardless of the type of  relationship you are in, whether that be a business relationship, friendship, marriage, etc. lack of communication, passive aggressive behavior, results in unnecessary drama and half truths. 

This blog has been from my point of view, from what I have learned...from what I have been told by 3rd parties and some times my EH. It has been a journey of piecing together what bits of information I have been given. And in no way have I been easy on myself. I've exposed my flaws, my mistakes and have not put myself in the best light at times. 

It wasn't until recently when I learned of my EH's dishonesty, that I let go of the guilt I have been feeling for months, and realized that it wasn't all me. Maybe I didn't write some posts as eloquently as I would have liked, and used words that I would, looking back, change, but like most individuals I'm not immune to the occasional slip up. Really nobody is perfect and to pretend that you are better than someone else, or a group of people only reflects poorly on you, and who you are as an individual. 

Like I've said over and over again, I will never forget all the good my EH did. The love and care he provided my mom during her most trying months. But I'm also no longer blinded by it and reluctant to acknowledge my EH's responsibility and part in this divorce. 

I'm not sorry for writing this blog, and will continue to write until I decide I have gotten out of it what I need. I think the most incredible gift I have been given during this journey is not doubting who I am. I am proud of who I am, and believe myself to be a very good person. For the first time, the opinions of others have no hold over me.  And the beliefs of some will not trump the way I feel and believe about myself . 

I surround myself with genuinely kind, positive, and happy people, because that is how I want to be, that is who I am. 

Why I Blog...

From the beginning this blog has been a way for me to heal. Nothing more than me getting my feelings out and hopefully helping others in the process know that they are not alone. It wasn't meant to thrash my EH. And those who are reading my blog, you are friends and family, who may not always have a chance to call in and see how I am doing. But are able to take a minute out of your day and read what my experience has been like.

Something Else...

I know I've mentioned it before, but it's amazing how in one moment you can feel as amazing as ever and in the next as low as you have ever felt.

Today I had to sign and notarize my divorce papers for the second time. Comparatively to the last time, this go around I didn't feel quite the emotional turmoil.

I have been riding on a high ever since having the most magical day at Disneyland, which included visiting Walt Disney's apartment. So no sadness while signing the papers for this girl.

No the emotional breakdown came hours later, when I was reprimanded for using a towel not of my own. Typically I would have laughed at such an absurdity. Because honestly in the grand scheme of things a towel is just a towel and in no way did I deserve a tongue lashing. But bottle that with having to sign the divorce papers today and realizing I am still alone, it got to me. And the flood gates were opened.

I believe the real issue comes down to not feeling good enough. That I can't do anything right at that moment. Do I feel this way always? No. But in these little moments, all of my self doubt comes bubbling to the surface and instead of taking a deep breath and letting it go, I can't help but cry.

Of course, 30 minutes later the tears are no longer there and I feel semi ridiculous for not standing my ground and saying to myself, "Self, let it go. Don't let it get to you. Obviously there is something else going on with that person that has nothing to do with you, and all you have to do is smile and be happy."

Maybe next time...because I guarantee there will be a next time. Probably not with a towel, but something else, that is for sure.

Appreciating Me...

Today is the first day of December and it seems almost unreal that in two months, I will have been going through this divorce process for a year. Looking back at this last week, I finally realize what it means to move on.

Had I not found out that my EH was unfaithful during our marriage and that he had lied on many occasions from the beginning of our relationship, I can't say I would be where I am today.

The clarity in knowing that the love story I thought we had, was never really there, helped me come to this place of complete understanding of what it was we actually had. And a love story it was not.

Yes there were moments of complete happiness and bliss, but overall, I married someone who was dishonest to me, to our marriage, and to himself.


This week, I decided to love me. I took myself out to the movies at an upscale movie theatre, bought myself some new workout pants, and treated myself to some lovely dinners. It was altogether a very pleasant appreciation of me. Something I believe I deserved.

Dishonesty...

The other day I had someone tell me that in order to have a better relationship and to not repeat history, I need to be able to recognize the qualities of my EH that did not work for me. I couldn't really think of one at the time, but after last night, I realized my EH's biggest flaw...dishonesty.

My girlfriend of 26 years came over to my house to pick up some gifts and to drop off a gift. She's in town for the weekend, and as one of my best friends, we always are able to pick up right where we left off, no matter how long it's been since we've seen each other.

Last night she had to get something off her chest, a secret she had been keeping for my EH. When she spoke to him months ago, he "poured his heart" out to her. His words not mine. He then swore her to secrecy. First, you never put a friend in the middle of a divorce...you should never make your wife's best friend carry that burden. It's disrespectful and rude. Secondly, I was friends with her longer than he was and if he really thought I would never find out, he's more clueless than I could ever imagine him to be. 

He told her why he left me. Again, I was the issue. My nagging, the fights, the life changing car accident he had in which he realized he was unhappy with me. In essence he was trying to make himself the victim and portray me as someone I was not. Some crazy b***h that made his life a living hell with no reason on my part. If I had been that person day in and day out, why then move me up north? If it was over after the accident why then beg someone to be in your life again and why move them 400 miles away from their family. 

Nevertheless, he only takes fault in not being able to communicate with me. Which yes, was a fault indeed. But his biggest fault, and the root cause of every fight we had was his dishonesty. Small things, big things, he couldn't be honest with me. It drove me crazy. It made my blood boil. It made me a nagging person and made me question everything he said. 

Since he left, I've learned how to react when I feel this way. I've grown, but apparently he hasn't. 

And this is even more evident in the fact that after I asked him last night when our divorce was finalized he had to admit he didn't file the documents in time, and I have to re-sign all the papers. He's known this for awhile, but had yet to share this tidbit with me. He tried to put it on me...acting as though I hadn't signed and notarized the papers. I did. He dropped the ball. Once again, and could not be honest of the fact.

His dishonesty is also evident in the fact that when he talked to my friend months ago he admitted he was calling because he wanted to make sure his new girlfriend didn't find out he was still married, because apparently he had told her he was divorced already. And had been for some time. He wanted to make sure I wouldn't go crazy on her and Facebook message her. I don't know who he thinks I am, but the last thing I would want to do is message her. She'll find out the truth. He was never a good liar. All this is, is history repeating itself. Lessons unlearned.

But the nail in the coffin is the fact that when asked about something I asked when we first started dating, he admitted to my friend he even lied about that.

From the beginning our foundation was rooted on dishonesty. And although I believe he had an internal struggle battling his good self with this bad self, the core of who he is, is someone who can't for the life of him face the truth. He runs and will continue to run until he learns how to be honest.

I wish my EH all the best and maybe his new girlfriend won't mind the dishonesty, but at some point my EH will need to wake up and realize it wasn't my nagging or fighting that was the catalyst for this divorce, it was his lack of honesty. And for the next person I am with, I can guarantee you they will be honest, because that is who I will be looking for.

Honesty is the best policy. The truth always prevails. Thank God for that.

Sincerely,
Still married but wish I wasn't

Thankful For...

For the past several years my EH and I would head out and stand in line for the Black Friday festivities. It all started when I had to write a story for a Journalism class regarding this holiday tradition, and since then we were hooked. Whether it was the flat screen TV, refrigerator, $5 kitchen supplies, we could not wait to stand in line and partake in this madness. 

For whatever reason, it is this tradition with my EH that I am missing most today. I could not help but cry earlier this evening thinking about where he must be, and how I would love to be with him. I had to stop myself though and reflect on my year and what I am grateful for. 

So when I think of the year I've had, I am so incredibly thankful for everyone who has been there loving and supporting me. Whether near or far, I have felt so cared for. 

To say this has been one of the most challenging years of my life would be an understatement and although this is not the path I had imagined I would be on, I can't help but appreciate the strength I h

ave gained because of it. 

For everyone I have crossed paths with, and for those people in my life who have only lasted seasons, I thank them for the purpose they have served and for teaching me valuable lessons along the way. 

There are some very special people missing from my life, other than my EH, this Thanksgiving and wherever they may be this year, I am thinking of all of them and sending my love.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! 

Mrs. Nick...

Recently I found out that a former teacher of mine was sick again. We were asked to write letters of well wishes, memories, anything to let her know we are thinking of her and praying for her. Here is my letter...I share it with you because it has to do with what I hope this blog is achieving. The only edit I have made, is with my name and the name of my EH.

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it life?

While the soul, after all, is only a window

And the opening of the window no more difficult

Than the wakening from a little sleep.

            ~ Mary Oliver

Dear Mrs. Nick,

            You once gave me a book of poems and prose poems, West Wind, by Mary Oliver. In it you wrote, “Keep your heart up. May this inspire you to make a beautiful difference in our world. You have already made a difference in me.”

            When you first gave me this gift I could not understand nor believe that I had made any type of beautiful difference in your world and it seemed even more impossible that I could make a difference in the world I was living in. I felt so insignificant and uninspiring. I went to college, studied journalism, and again I felt I was just going through the motions.

            Then I got married to a childhood friend, the love of my life, and began working at a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center. I thought I had finally found my place in the world, one that was making a difference. During this time my mom was also recovering from a traumatic brain injury and although I felt I was making a difference in this world by working at a rehab, I felt weaker than ever. And I took out all my anger and frustration on my husband. I also gave up on my independence and relied solely on him. I no longer lived but poured myself into my work and “making a difference in the world.”

            Eventually I realized work had taken its toll on my husband, my family, and me. I quit my job and refocused my attention on finding my happiness.

            Unfortunately on my quest to finding happiness, my husband, I believe, felt abandoned.

            After a nervous break down on his part and living on his own, he decided he wanted to move up north to be with his family and he wanted me with him as our time a part made him realize just how much he needed me in his life and how much he loved me.

            We moved and all seemed okay for a while. Unfortunately seven months after moving, this last February, when I came to visit my family, he called to tell me he had filed for divorce.

            I was left with this feeling again of not knowing my purpose in this world. I was working for a retail store, not saving lives, not making a difference and my husband, my best friend, who I had known since he was born, whom my mom had named, just left me.

            Eventually he told me he left me because he didn’t think I was a good person and he asked for me to not be in his life ever again. And since then he has not spoken to me. I kept doubting myself, who I am, my purpose, my self worth. But through it all I decided to keep smiling, to choose happiness, to do things I had never done before and to finally really start living. I went skydiving and felt my troubles start to melt away and over time I began to truly laugh again. And yes I cry from time to time and my heart feels heavy but to me that is a reminder that my soul, the window to my life, is open and awake.

            When I heard you were sick again, I went to my storage unit to find the book you had given to me. And I began reading the words I once could not understand.

Listen, are you breathing just a little, and calling it life?

While the soul, after all, is only a window

And the opening of the window no more difficult

Than the wakening from a little sleep.

Mrs. Nick I can honestly say for the first time I am living. My soul is awake and I finally feel I may be making a difference in this world.

            I’ve chosen love, laughter, and happiness over bitterness, hate and anger and any chance I get I tell others my story. And the story of my now ex-husband. I tell them how I started working at a job I love. I tell them why I am back in Southern California and when they ask if I’m angry or upset, I tell them truthfully, “No, because just as I deserve all the happiness in the world, so does my ex-husband.” I tell them I choose happiness and although at first it took all the effort in the world for me to have these thoughts, today I no longer have to work at it. I believe that right now, in my life, this is the beautiful difference I can make. And when I read your words I finally realized I don’t need to work at a rehab or be married to make a difference or serve a purpose in this life. I needed to awaken my soul and live.

            I hope you know what an important role and beautiful difference you have made in my life and how your words from 10 years ago have played a part in my healing. I suppose as I continue to grow and live, your words and these poems will transform and grow into even more significant meanings in my life. Forever we will be bonded.

            I pray for you Mrs. Nick. My relationship with God has grown even stronger than before and I know He holds a very special place for you because of the unconditional love you have shown His children.

            All my love and more.

Huckleberry...

Today my little guy turns 8...

I love him so much. He has brought so much joy and happiness to my life and for that I am grateful. Today could have been more challenging without him. Hearing of my EH and his girlfriend, getting not so great results back from my eye doctor, having blood drawn...it could have been worse. But of course my Mr. Huck is there to calm me down and shower me with only love.

Starting Tomorrow...

My heart is so heavy...it seems each day I can't stop from crying. Although I know this is just a bad wave and that a better one is coming along, this heaviness is taking a toll. I want so badly to be living another life. One with love, support, safety and my EH.

Sometimes it's just all too much to take on by myself. And to know that he does have someone, well that just makes it unbearable.

I could crawl into bead and escape but I know that won't help heal this shattered heart of mine. Instead, I seem to eat my emotions which is also not wise. 10 lbs later and it's time for me to get it together. I said from the beginning I needed to take care of my mind, body, and soul. It's time to refocus and get it together. Starting tomorrow...

Halloween and then Some...

I was anxious as Halloween approached, unsure of how I would feel without dressing up with my EH. We always had funny last minute costumes. One year he bought an over sized munchkin costume from Wizard of Oz for me to wear, and he went as a male mermaid...6'4" 230lbs dressed as male mermaid, doesn't get any better than that.

So it was no surprise I'd be dreading doing this all alone this year. But as it turns out it was very fun. Over the past weekend, I dressed as though I was from the 80s...and went full out, thong leotard and all. On Wednesday, I dressed as Synergy from Jem. It was actually nice to be someone, something I am not, and for a couple nights let go.

I also pretended to be a non vegan and enjoyed some snickers bars, peanut butter M&Ms, butterfingers, and a toblerone bar. And I've let that continue up until and including today. Tomorrow, I have to go back to being me, and feeling good about the way I'm eating and look. To everyone else, I look fine. To me I can feel myself emotionally eating again. Something I was afraid would happen as holidays are upon us.

You see, Halloween has come and gone, and it is marks the beginning of the holiday season. A season which I very much enjoy. But with this season comes heartache because it will be the first without my EH. And I can tell my eating is connected to the fact that I am no longer married.

I haven't been with anyone since my EH filed for divorce. My friends and family think I could be with someone if I wanted to, but to be honest I think who I am scares most guys off. The short hair, the loud personality, some people find me unapproachable. I had a friend tell me the other day I need to grow my hair out, because guys find that more attractive. I know it comes from a loving place, but when I hear that, and she's not the first to say it, my spirit gets crushed. As I said in my last post, I'm not changing who I am or what I like to fit in someone else's mold. If a guy can't take my short hair, he's not for me. And it's probably why I haven't been with someone.

Holidays are difficult enough, but being alone makes it just a little more difficult. And although I love this time of year, I am dreading each holiday as it approaches.

The Divorce Will Take Everything...

Lately I have been feeling lonely and I keep thinking maybe I am ready to be with someone again. But I'm terrified that if I were to be with someone, that all I would really want is my EH. Maybe because that is all I have known.


When I saw this post on Post Secret the other day it hit me hard. I've been feeling lonely, because I feel like my best friend has been taken away from me...granted it was by his choice. Nonetheless, I do feel at times my divorce has taken away everything.









With my EH I could completely be myself. As it turns out though, being myself wasn't good enough for him. It wasn't good enough for someone who had known me for over 20 years. So how will I be good enough for someone I just meet.

To be clear, I like me. I like who I am and I am becoming a person I am proud of, which is a huge accomplishment for me. But I have certain likes, dislikes, and I don't know who will put up with those.

I'm gluten free and vegan. I have to work out at least 6 days a week. I don't have weekends off. I change my hair every other month. I get silly tattoos. I like to shop...a lot. I have 4 dogs that are my life. My family is incredibly important to me. I can be overly critical of my body. I like to have my feet and neck massaged every night. I still believe in Santa Claus and never will stop believing. I'm conservative and will often times voice my opinions. I'm Christian and have a deep faith in God.  I'm not going to apologize for any of these things, but I wonder who out there will take me for me and not expect me to be someone or something else. Obviously my EH did, and in the end I failed at who it was he wanted me to be. And that is not my fault.

So Proud...

Yesterday was my mom's 58th birthday and words cannot express how proud I am of her. She is honestly one of the most inspiring individuals I have met in my life, and not because she is my mom but because of her determination and will to live. From being pronounced brain dead nearly 5 years ago to relearning how to walk, talk and eat, she is truly a shining example of what it is to fight to live.

I was surprised to find out from my mom that my EH had text her a sweet birthday message. Maybe I shouldn't be, but I was. Part of me ached because he hadn't made the same gesture to me on my birthday. Part of me was angry. But as I have learned to do, I let it go.

This week has been one of those crazy weeks, from starting my new position at work to my pup having a seizure and needing to go to the vet, to my younger sister convinced she had mouth cancer and was going to have to have her jaw removed...it was nice to celebrate my mom's birthday and her achievements over the last 58 years, especially those during the last 5. 

Happy Birthday Mommy! I love you to the moon and back.

Grouper...

If you haven't heard of this, it is one of the funniest set ups I have ever been apart of.

My girlfriend told me about Grouper, a website that will set up a blind date for you and someone else based on your FaceBook likes. The catch is, you have to bring two friends and they have to bring two friends.

In essence, it is a triple blind date.

I didn't think I would be set up so quickly, but days after I signed up for this site I was told that I had someone ready to go on a blind date with me.

As the day arrived, I wasn't looking forward to the date. To be honest it would be the first sort of date since the big D. And I wasn't sure I was ready. But in the end I realized the point of this was to meet some new people, and I'm thankful I did.

The guys we met were really nice, funny, and smart. It was refreshing going to a bar and having some substantial guys to talk to.

Grouper even had a challenge for everyone going on a Grouper date in different states to Instagram a photo, and the best photo would win a prize. We spent nearly an hour conducting different poses, and in the end had a picture that was hilarious.

I can't wait for my next triple blind date, and to continue moving forward. Some of these small steps I continue to make, are paving the way for my journey.

I Am...

Connected, Transformed and Cool.

Tonight, I went to Cafe Gratitude with a friend of mine, and if you haven't been I would strongly suggest that you do. It is a vegan/gluten free friendly restaurant that serves some of the most amazing food I have ever had.

And each dish has a name that tends to inspire you. Connected, Transformed and Cool. Names which resonated with me and my current situation.

And after the week I've had it was good to be reminded of these positives and to be grateful for the many wonderful people and things in my life.

This week was a good week. A promotion, a triple blind group date (of which I will tell you about in my next post), and amazing food.

I am grateful for the place I am in my life today, even though it's not where I would choose to be or want to be. I am grateful. I hope wherever my EH is, that he's grateful too.

Balance...

Life is all about balance. Work, family, friends, and doing things for you.

The other day I was driving to work, and I realized for the first time I'm balancing all these aspects quite nicely.

Sure I wish I could work a little less, see some of my friends a little more, and have a little more time for myself. But realistically I need the money. Money to go to dinner with friends, money to go skydiving, and thankfully I have a job I love going to which affords me these moments.

When the scale begins to tip too much in one direction, I know it will be time for me to reevaluate what's important to me and how I can preserve that. But for now, I'm happy with the way things are. And I hope to spread that happiness to others.

His Turn...

Everything is finalized with my EH...well everything except for my photos he has yet to send me and one of the cars being transferred under his name. 

Prior to me leaving for Canada, he said I had to take care of the car situation. Since I was strapped for time, I called when I came home. Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do. I was kindly informed that my EH had been told he would need to fill out the paperwork and well it was all up to him.

Not sure why he sent the emergency text...but in any case this last week I received an email saying a payment had been received for the car.

It was news to me that the car had yet to be put under his name, since it's been a month and a half since they sent my EH the necessary papers. Also news that surprise surprise he had been late on the payments. 

Well upon getting the email, I forwarded it to my EH. Also reminding him that I need my photos. Not the photos of us...because really what would I do with those. Photos that are just reminders of what no longer is. I don't mind seeing photos of us as children...but sometimes the photos of us as a couple, those get to me.

Sort of like seeing home videos. They are just moments in time that are no longer. Promises never kept.

But photos of my family, my pups, everything else that means so much to me. 

I took care of everything on my end. Now it's his turn. 

Holy S**T, I'm Flying...

Dear EH,

Today I want to thank you for divorcing me. Not because I think it was the right thing to do, or because I no longer love you, because I do love you, I always will. It's because I am doing things in my life I would never have done before. Like jumping out of a plane.

Today, I went skydiving. For my birthday I wanted to buy myself a present and do something I would never had done had I still been married. Not because you wouldn't let me, but because if anything were to happen, I would not want to leave you behind.

I wanted to do something that terrified me, and something that felt so incredibly freeing. And so I chose to go jump out of a plane with a complete stranger. Trusting in them to land me safely on the ground, with only adrenaline pumping through my veins.

You see the amazing thing about skydiving is that when I was on the plane, I left all my worries behind and started flying. To live in the moment, truly live in the moment and not have any other thought other than "Holy S**t I'm flying in the air, this is incredible" well that is something I had yet to experience in my life up unto this point.

I would never allowed myself to do something like this if I were married to you. And that's ok, but today taught me that I should never allow anyone or anything hold me back.

And to clarify, you didn't hold me back, but being with you I held myself back.

So I thank you. For letting me go and letting me fly, because it's opened me to new experiences. Experiences I will cherish forever.

Love always,
Me

On a side note to my readers...if any of you ever want to go skydiving. Do it!! This was my first time and not the last. Also thank you to my best friend S.G. I wouldn't have wanted to go with anyone else. Sharing this with you was just another great memory to add to our list. Love you <3

That Should Be Me...

I have this struggle every time I hear someone I know who is pregnant or celebrating an anniversary. I struggle with automatically thinking, that should be me. 

It's not that I am not happy for whomever it happens to be having one of those very special moments in their life. It's that I suddenly think of my EH and myself having the same moment. In a "what should have been" occasion. 

I know it won't always be this way. But it does hurt to have those feelings. Sometimes I look it as a set back. Other times I think it's just habit, because for 7 years my mind could happily go to those places, to a future I felt was bound to happen. 

But those moments are not bound to happen...at least not with my EH. And so my goal right now is to change my initial thought into something else, something more positive. Every day brings a new challenge, one I am ready to take on. This, this is just one of them. 

Edward Scissorhands...

This year is all about doing things I have never done before and/or haven't done in a very long time. Whether it be taking the vacation to Canada, going to Boston for a wedding, skydiving, the possibilities were/are endless.

In essence, I am doing things for me. And if something or someone doesn't fit into what I want for my life, I am not wasting my time. Whether that be some drunk guy hitting on me or some guy acting offended because I don't want him (which both happened last week) I am not sacrificing my wants or lowering my standards.

So it was no surprise that I took the opportunity on Saturday to watch a movie in the park with two girlfriends. The evening was so beautiful; the weather perfect. We enjoyed greasy food truck french fries with chimichurri sauce all while watching Edward Scissorhands. 

If you haven't seen that film in a while, I would recommend taking a couple hours out of your day to be reacquainted with this wonderful love story. I'm not going to lie, I cried, especially towards the end. I couldn't help but feel sad that I had lost my love story, and that I no longer had my EH showering me with unconditional love. But as the movie ended and the night continued, the sadness gripping my heart  slowly melted away. 

All I could think about was the beauty of the night sky and the amazing memory I had made by simply going to a movie in a park. And to be honest, I also couldn't stop thinking about the amazing food I ate...

It was just what I needed to end my week. 

Planes, Trains & Automobiles...

This last weekend I had the pleasure of traveling to Cambridge, MA to watch one of my dearest friends marry her best friend. The wedding was beautiful. For days we celebrated the happy couple and amazing memories were had by all.

For me, I also had the opportunity to grow. I do not like to travel. Mainly because I am horrible at planning trips and if anything goes wrong with my plane, I am in an immediate state of panic. Simply put I don't do well.

Now you may all be thinking, "didn't you just on vacation to Canada?" Yes, I did, but that my friends was a completely different experience. Private plane rides, car rides already scheduled, and a lake house with nowhere I had to be.

Instead this weekend, I was flying with United and on my first flight, the plane was delayed which would have been ok if my connecting flight hadn't left without me. And if my connecting flight hadn't left without me, I wouldn't have had to fly to Newark, then finally Boston.

Once I landed in Boston, I had to get my rental car, because I booked a hotel 9 miles away from where the wedding was. Where I live, 9 miles is nothing, but in Cambridge 9 miles is a completely different story. So the money that I saved booking an economical hotel outside Cambridge went towards renting a car for the weekend. Which in retrospect, I ended up spending the same amount of money if I had just booked a hotel in Cambridge.

Nonetheless, I was stuck with the hotel and had to rent a car, which meant I had to learn to navigate my way from Boston to Cambridge to Burlington and back again. And surprisingly enough, I did just fine. I was actually pretty good at it. I may have taken a wrong turn once or twice, but all in all I navigated my way around the new cities just fine. And I enjoyed it. I took pleasure in the time I had to myself to explore and to be by myself.

It was something I was not used to. At the hotel, in my car rides, walking around Cambridge, I was by myself and I loved it. I didn't think I would but I did and I believe that everything that weekend happened for a reason, if not only to see my friend marry, but also to realize the strength I have to be on my own.

My flight back...well the first flight was right on time...my connecting flight was 3 hours late, which would have been ok had I not already had a 2 1/2 hour layover. I did make it home and the whole experience reminded me of one of my EH's favorite movies Planes, Trains & Automobiles.

There are so many stories in between, all of which will come out with the time, but I had to share with all of you what I felt was my biggest lesson, the fact that I made my way around places unknown and took on each challenge as they came my way : )

When it rains, it pours...

One of the biggest challenges I have been facing this week is going from two incomes to one. And really this has been an adjustment over the months, but this week has really been one of the more difficult times. It's true what "they" say "when it rains, it pours."

For my birthday, I bought myself two presents. First, I am going to be celebrating turning 28 by skydiving, more on that later. Second, I traded in the car that embodied my EH and bought myself a brand spanking new white Beetle. She pretty much looks like me and definitely seems to be ready to go on an adventure.

Unfortunately, I bought her before I found out I needed a root canal and other dental procedures done. I'm very lucky that my insurance covers a portion of the work, however, I still am running at about $1500 for everything to be completed.

Normally this would be a shared financial responsibility, but here I am by myself, having had two weeks off for a vacation and having just bought a car. I wouldn't take back either, but it does put a strain on my bank account and has caused a severe amount of stress.

On top of that my girlfriend is getting married this weekend in Boston, and there is no way I am going to miss that. But with that comes a plane ticket, a hotel, and because I am so incredibly clueless I booked a hotel too far away from the venue to use public transportation, which means I am now renting a car.

And let's not forget the daily expenses and bills that seem to always get in the way. Needless to say, I was hit with a reminder that I am all alone in this. I don't have my EH to help support me. And the comfort in knowing that someone else was there to pick up where I am unable to, is no longer there.

I am fortunate that my parents are willing to help me, and I have learned a great lesson in humility in having to go to them for financial aid. But at the end of the day, I want to feel that independence again from them, with the knowledge that my other half is there for me to depend on.

It seems contradictory to say that, but depending on my EH felt much more comfortable and natural than depending on my parents.

I'm pretty sure all of this is what led to me breaking down when trying to get my niece ready for ballet class. She didn't want to go and started crying...I started crying and told her I couldn't deal with life. She asked me if I needed the dogs to make me smile again. In the end she went to ballet and I definitely had a smile on my face.

Happy Birthday...

Well today is my birthday. I am no longer 27 and almost divorced, I'm 28 and have signed the divorce papers, pretty much divorced now.

I want to start off by saying how grateful I am for my family and friends for the love they have shown me today. I am so thankful and blessed to have each and every one in my life.

It doesn't take away from the fact, however, that my EH couldn't even send me a Happy Birthday message. I didn't expect it, but I can't help but feel the sting of knowing that either he (a) didn't remember my birthday or (b) remembered my birthday but couldn't bring himself to wish his once best friend/wife a Happy Birthday. Whatever the reason, it's a shame that he can't be civil and treat me as any person deserves to be treated.


I guess in the end it's my birthday and I can cry if I want to...but I'd rather eat gluten free vegan cake and be happy. 

No Words...

There are no words to describe the beauty I was surrounded by for the last couple weeks, which is why I am posting these pictures.

From Canada

To Colorado 

Thank you Gogi and Auntie G. for your generosity and outpouring of love. 

I had some of the best days of my life. 

Little Less Than a Week...

I have little less than a week left of my vacation. A vacation which has brought joy, happiness, and serenity to my soul.

I can't even begin to explain the laughter and love I have experienced every minute of this trip. But when I return home, I hope to share some of the photos with you that I have taken along the way. Photos that will give you a glimpse of where I have been and what I will take with me as I continue to move forward in my life.

On September 3rd I will be celebrating my 28th birthday...and I have a feeling it will be my best year yet.

Maybe...Maybe Not

Two days ago, I received a text from my EH. Something he needed to have me do right away so he can be "over and done with this." The problem is, I really had no time. With work and getting ready for this vacation I am leaving on in a couple hours, I didn't have the time it would take me to do it all.

The thing is, I haven't heard from him in 2 months, and the first thing I get is a text demanding something he needs done. I didn't get a how are you doing, so sorry to rush this favor on you, hope all is well...no instead I get a text that in the end comes off as rude.

I bet if you were to ask him he would think what he sent was totally fine. And I understand texts sometimes are the worst way to communicate, which is why it would have been better for him to call. But what he doesn't understand about his text is that sometimes the things you neglect to say, the civil hellos and how are you doings, the lack of that is what is rude.

I wanted to tell him that although I understand why he left me, the person I am today, the person who has given him his space and been a supporter of his happiness, that person doesn't deserve this treatment.

I couldn't get it done. And he will have to wait until I get back from my vacation. And in the future maybe he won't wait until the last minute to communicate his needs. And maybe in the future he will be more courteous. Maybe...maybe not.

It seems when it comes to me, he just can't seem to bring himself to do that. I really pray one day he lets go of all the hatred that has consumed his poor little heart. This wasn't the man I married, and the man I married was pretty incredible.

4 More Days...

The days leading up to a vacation can sometimes be the most stressful. What to pack, making sure all the bills are paid, finishing up work, actually packing, and the list goes on. But I can't wait for the moment when I let myself completely relax and am far removed from the life I am living right now.

Through out this process, I have not allowed myself to escape. I really am determined to face this journey head on so that I can heal sooner rather than later. But for two weeks, two weeks I am going to allow myself to escape. And I can't wait.

4 more days, that's all I have until I leave. 4 days and I'll be in mental paradise.

Coke Zero...

There are times I get so down on myself for being weak and wanting my EH back in my life. And  this happens because of two reasons. The first, because I have many people in my life who ask me time and time and again why I would want someone who doesn't love me back in my life. Which when asked makes me feel like I must be a masochist; someone asking for heartbreak and pain. Secondly,  I have this picture in my head how I should be progressing in my healing process and when it doesn't go according to plan I question my own strength. I wonder how strong can someone be when they are crying as much as I do.

What I need to remind myself is that crying and/or wanting my EH back in my life, doesn't make me weak, rather it's a measure of my love for the husband I once had and an indication of the healing that is taking place within and the healing that remains. Wanting him to envelop me into a huge bear hug and tell me everything is going to be okay, reminds me of the trust and security I once felt with someone. And it is something I hope to find again one day.

This road I am journeying down isn't going to be overnight. It's been 3 years since I have had a soda, and every day these last 3 years I have craved a Coke Zero. It is ridiculous for me to think I shouldn't want my EH back in my life right now, seeing as though my love and bond with him was much more than a Coke. And there's a high probability I will always want him back in my life in some way or another. Just like I want my Coke Zero.

Breaking Up...

So after much consideration and with a sadness in my heart, I have decided that in the best interest for my emotional wellness I am going to have to break up with Adele.

Your songs, although helped me through the most difficult times in the beginning of this journey, only bring me back to a very dark place these days.

I promise Adele, it's not you, it's me. One day I believe I will be able to bring you back into my life but for now I am going to have to say goodbye. I promise there is someone else out there who needs you more than me right now.

Just know, you will always hold a special place in my heart. And thank you for being there when I needed you most.

GMMDI...

God Made Me Do It...but if things hadn't ended the way they did last night this title may have read California Bear S**T

If you were to look at a film of my life this past week, you would have thought I had gone off the deep end last night. Especially if you didn't know the reasoning behind why I ended up where I did.

From finding out my EH has a girlfriend to then actually receiving the divorce papers. Yes, he finally sent them, and no I am not relieved. It was even more heartbreaking than when I found out about the new girlfriend. To ending up at a dive bar by my house, getting hit on by the only old men in the bar, I, from an outsiders point of view, would have appeared to have lost my mind.

Thankfully, I went with my married, mother of one, older sister, so that I would know I hadn't completely lost it.

The two of us, who are not ones to go out especially past 10pm, went to a local bar to support our friends who were there to perform. Walking in to the bar, we realized how old we were, and how our lives could have taken a bad turn if we hadn't had our heads screwed on straight.

So many wrong things in that bar. Girls wearing clothes they shouldn't be wearing, grinding to songs they shouldn't be grinding to, young guys drinking too much, grabbing things they shouldn't be grabbing and let's not forget the handful of old men who I seem to attract the moment I stepped into the establishment. And when I say old, I mean old. Like a moth to a flame, I'm telling you.

I'm guessing somehow they sense I can relate to their sad lives in that I too am going through a divorce and therefore puts me in the same class as them. But I have to yet to lower my standards to the point of desperation. Their interest does not flatter me and does not impress me. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than ever, and I mean ever, go out with one of these men.

Thankfully at around 12:30am, our friends went on stage and killed it. The other rappers who performed that evening...oh you mean I didn't mention we were watching amateur rappers all night?...were nowhere near the talent level or entertainment level as our friends. Seeing The League perform definitely made the uncomfortable surroundings and advancements worth it.

And I even got a free CD from a random guy...God Made Me Do It...I could have ended up with the California Bear S**T CD, so I consider myself pretty lucky. 

Superglue this s**t...

The inevitable has happened. And in an instant I have seen all the pieces I had begun to put together come crashing down. I suppose if you were to look at my heart right now, it would look like a broken glass, with shards all over the place; its only hope superglue.

The good news is my response time of picking up these pieces has been much quicker than it was last time it broke.

And what, pray tell you, has happened in my life that I have resorted to being this dramatic. Well folks, I have seen photos of my EH with his new girlfriend.

She is darling. Perfect height for him.

If you didn't know, which why would you, my EH is 6'4" and unfortunately I am 5'3".  I always desired to be taller, and his girlfriend is the perfect height.

And did I mention how cute she is. She definitely doesn't have purple hair or a pixie cut. She doesn't have freckles or short legs. What she does have, I could only hope to possess. She has my EH and that, more than anything, hurts.

I knew this day would come and weirdly enough months ago I had a dream in which this situation played out. But no matter how many times I prepared myself, I could not have prepared for the overwhelming emotions I am dealing with right now.

So, it's time to bring out the superglue and glue this s**t back together. If any of you happen to come across a missing piece of my heart, do me a favor, dust it off and send it my way. Love to you all, even my EH and his new girlfriend.

3 weeks...

3 weeks...3 weeks and I'll be on vacation. The first vacation in many, many years. My EH and I never took a vacation together. Never had the chance to sit back and relax. Instead for the 7 years we were together, we worked, went to school, and worked some more. To say we were stressed and in need of a vacation would be an understatement.

I think one of the best things for a couple to do is to get away and just enjoy each other.

Well, instead of going with my EH, I'll  be going with my family. And I cannot wait. I think this is just what I need. Two weeks, by a lake, with nowhere to be; just time to reflect and enjoy life.

Want, No, Need...

I've been meaning to post this sooner, but it seems every time I try to put it into words it just doesn't come out like I want it to. Then something happens and I'm struck with the same thought and I tell myself, this time, this time it needs to be posted.

Someone asked me how I was doing and to be honest I was feeling morose. She asked what I needed to lift my spirits...a girls night out, a movie date, some amazing food. If only those things could help lift this cloud that has settled on my heart, I would have gladly taken her up on her offer. But all I could say was, "I want my husband."

You see, sometimes it's as simple and difficult as that. She looked at me and said, "I know."

I want...no I take that back...I need my husband right now. I need him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I needed him when I found out this week that my neighbor died in a freak airplane accident and when I accidentally tore my finger apart with a hand held blender. I needed him after going to a friend's wedding shower to celebrate our love.

Instead I'm left with sadness; sadness over a death, sadness of the end of my marriage, and let's not forget sadness over my mangled finger...

Mine...

It is amazing how something such as a song can bring on a flood of memories. And my apologies if I keep using songs on my blogs...but there is something about music that connects with your soul and when it comes on there is no stopping the flood of emotions and images that are to follow.

If you know me, you know I work out probably 6-7 times a week. And it's not because I love to work out. Granted, I love seeing my friends at the gym and I love my trainer, but it's the boost of endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine that makes me feel normal through out the day.

Years ago I had my neurotransmitters tested and the results showed that my body did not produce enough serotonin and dopamine... it may be why for so many years I felt depressed. However, with exercise and eating healthy that all changed. I finally felt better. And it is for that reason that I go to the gym 6-7 days a week even if I don't feel like it. I know after, I'll feel like the real me or as close to the real me as I can feel.

So today, while I was kickboxing, all of a sudden Justin Bieber's Baby came on. And as I was singing the song I was struck with images of my EH. We were sitting on our couch in our apartment watching Never Say Never. Now JB was never our favorite artist, but I had seen the movie and decided my EH needed to see it too. And here is why...half way through the movie my EH turned to me and asked, "Is it strange that I love him now?" I remember thinking this why we are together. Because I had the same thought when I first watched the movie. This boy, so full of talent, has an amazing success story, and at the same time appears to be unaffected by the fame.

The songs we use to not want to hear, now became music to my ears and music to my EH's ears. We would blast the songs and sing them loud and proud. Little did I know the lyrics to his Baby song would resonate with the situation I am in today. 


And I'm in pieces, baby fix me
And just shake me 'til you wake me from this bad dream
I'm goin' down, down, down, down
And I just can't believe my first love won't be around

I thought my EH would always be mine. And he won't be. He will be somebody else's. I am envious of whoever the lucky lady is that will spend a lifetime with my EH. The memories they will share. The laughter, the love, the kisses, the snuggling...I can't believe my first love won't be around to share them with me. I thought he would always be mine, I was wrong.

Fireworks...

2005

2012

What a difference 7 years can make...Happy 4th of July everyone.

Anne...with an E

I recently purchased 25 classic books on my Nook for 99 cents. Classics such as Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Emma, Jane Eyre, Little Women and many more. But one series caught my attention more than the others. Anne of Green Gables.

I remember watching Anne of Green Gables over and over with my sisters when we were younger. So many life lessons in that particular story that have stayed with me over the years. Lessons of friendship, love, patience, hard work, and determination.

There is something about reading a childhood book that can transport you back in time when heartache and loss did not exist in your life.

I also find that I am learning new lessons, some of which my younger self did not fully take in the first time around.


"If we have friends we should look only for the best in them and give them the best that is in us...Then friendship would be the most beautiful thing in the world."


Reading this line made me realize that when married, I had too much focus on what my EH wasn't doing. I didn't always look for the best in him and give the best of myself. It's important to remember when we are married that our spouse is more than just a husband or wife...they are your best friend and they should be treated as such.


Looking at my parents, I realize they have never lost sight of that fact, which is why they celebrated 36 years of marriage yesterday.


As I read Anne of Green Gables, having gone through trials and tribulations, I find the story has been able to open my heart and eyes to new possibilities. 

The one that got away...

There are so many things that I miss. Not having my EH to greet me when I get home after a long day of work. The dinners he would make. Sleeping in on a rare day off for the two of us. Watching our favorite tv shows late into the night.

I miss the sweet little kisses to my forehead, the incredible bear hugs, and the way he would smile at me as though I was the only one in the world who mattered to him.

I miss hearing him laugh at my horrible jokes, the way he would dance around the apartment, and hearing him sing his Frank Sinatra songs. He has an amazing voice.

I miss his I love yous, I miss yous, and I can't wait to see yous.

Sometimes I close my eyes and all I see is my life with him. I imagine a world in which we are happily in love and our story remains the greatest love story of all time.

Although she may have gotten it wrong in her Part of Me song, Katy Perry's The One That Got Away definitely brings me to tears as I realize in another life I would be his girl, and we'd keep all our promises, be us against the world. In another life I would make him stay, so I don't have to say he was the one that got away. But I do. He will always be the one that got away.

And I miss him; I always will.

Few Updates...

It's been a busy week...and I definitely needed time to reflect on why my EH has left me. Let me tell you it's not easy hearing that you were partly responsible for pushing someone to their limits. I say partly, because I do feel that my EH could have addressed this sooner and that we could have possibly worked on our relationship rather than him just up and opting out of it one day.

He did, however,  happen to text my Dad for Father's Day, wishing him a Happy Father's Day and a belated Happy Mother's Day/Get Well for my mom. It was the first time he made contact with my parents through out this whole ordeal. He even said he missed them. It kind of hurt knowing he misses them but when it comes to me, he doesn't. But that's the way it is, and there's nothing I can do to change it. All I can do is work on who I am today and how I want to be going forward.

Anyways as for my updates...first the Sparkletts salesman called the office I worked at wanting to know why the cute girl he met hadn't called him. Thankfully I wasn't there, but my co-worker who happened to answer informed him that she wasn't the cute girl and that it was inappropriate for him to call. Hopefully that will be the end of that.

Secondly, I wasn't at the office because...drum roll please...I was promoted at my other job which has enabled me to have only one, that's right one, job. I'm so excited and can't wait to start my new position, which will be this Sunday. So good luck to me! High five, high five : )

Thirdly, I went to Cars Land with my sister, brother in law, and niece. It was by far one of my best days since the big D. If I could show you the video my brother in law made, I would. Instead I will have to settle with just being able to  share with you this Cars Land photo.

So if you were thinking about going but weren't too sure, the answer is yes. You need to take a trip to Cars Land at California Adventure and then of course head over to Disneyland. Because there is nothing more magical than walking down Main Street. Every time I go to Disneyland, my heart is filled with joy.

I was nervous about going, because my EH and I LOVED going to Disneyland. We had annual passes and sometimes we would just go for dinner or we would sit on this stoop and eat ice cream and people watch for hours. I visited the stoop (pictured below) and reminisced on all the amazing memories we shared there together. It was our very own special spot in Disneyland and seeing it made me realize how lucky I am to have had a love as great as I did with him. That my friends is why I will never be bitter or angry. It is why I will want the best for him. It is why I will honor his wishes and remove myself from his life. I love him that much.

As for my vegan lifestyle...it is going wonderfully! It is definitely a challenge to eat Vegan and Gluten Free, but I am managing it. One of these days I will start posting recipes, pictures, and places to visit if you are curious about what to eat, where to eat, and how to eat like me : )

Real Reason...

So, after 4 months, I finally got my real reason of why my EH has left. He told me tonight he was tired of how I treated him and he broke. He couldn't take it anymore. He also asked that I no longer contact him or his family. Not quite in those words, but definitely to that affect.


I have a lot to work on. I've always known I was a difficult person to be married to, but now that I have confirmation that this is why he left, I definitely feel like I have put this all on myself. If I had been as loving and understanding as him for the last 7 years, we wouldn't be here.

This doesn't excuse his poor behavior after the break, because in all honesty it wasn't necessary. But I get why he left. And it hurts. I can't seem to stop crying over this loss. A loss of someone I care so deeply for. He indicated he doesn't even miss me. And that is a true testament to how awful being with me must have been.

I thanked him for being an amazing friend, boyfriend and husband. For being there during my mom' s thing. And for showing me the type of person I want to have by my side. I truly hope he finds someone amazing. Someone to make him smile, to laugh, and to feel loved. If only I had been a little wiser, a little more mature, I could have been that person.

Sparkletts...

Okay, let me start off by saying this post may just end up being another one of those guess you had to be there moments, so hopefully I can describe to all of you the disaster that I was faced with yesterday. And by disaster, I mean the 40 something year old Sparkletts salesman that hit on me while at work.

There I was, by myself, working at one of my jobs, when in walked this Sparkletts salesman there to see my boss. I let him know that he wasn't there but that I could take a message. So I did. He wanted to let my boss know that a buddy of theirs was retiring. If that hadn't revealed his age, the greying hair and visor he wore were pretty much a dead giveaway.

He asked me my story. Right away I knew this wasn't going in the direction I had wanted, which was him leaving. I told him briefly that I was in the midst of a divorce and living with my parents. Bad mistake...never engage. I thought the divorce would make him back off; he took it as an invitation.

Sparkletts man: You're cute...like you're cute.
Me: Oh thank you, that's nice.
SM: Doesn't it make you feel good to know that men still find you desirable and that we want you?

(HUH?!?!?!) 

Me: Ya I guess so...
SM: I call it like it is, you're cute. I'm just saying. I dig the pink  hair.
Me: (nervous WTF laugh) well I do like to change my hair...
SM: That's hot, that's really hot. It would be like dating a different girl, with every new hair color.
Me: Ya, I guess??
SM: So what do you do for fun?
Me: Well, I work two jobs, so I don't have time to do much, except for working out.
SM: Ya I noticed that. I noticed when I first saw you, you have a great shape.

(Mind you I was wearing a boxy sweater....and I was sitting behind a desk.) 

Me: Oh well thank you.
SM: But like for fun, what do you do?  A girl's gotta have fun. I can buy you drinks, we can go to dinner, maybe breakfast...
Me: Well I don't think I'm ready to date quite yet.
SM: I'm not asking to go to bed with you...I mean in a couple weeks I'd be expecting that. But like, not now.
Me: (nervous WTF laugh)

(SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! Did he think this was going to win me over?!?!?!)

SM: Do you like to dance?
Me: Sure, I'm not the best dancer, but I like to, it's fun.
SM: I mean I'm a pretty good dancer for a white guy. Shiiiiiiit I learned my moves from Soul Train.

(Soul Train...another clue to how old he was and if he thought I was going to be riding his soul train, he was going to be disappointed.)

Me: Oh well that's fun.
(Phone rings, thank you God)
SM: Saved by the phone, you are probably like OMG (yes he said O-M-G) who is this guy talking to me. Go ahead you can answer the phone.
Me: (nervous laugh, answer phone)

(I was hoping he'd leave, but I was wrong.)

SM: So like what is it going to take for you to go out with me. Like what do I have to do?
Me: ....
SM: I live in Ventura right on the beach.
Me: Oh that's nice.
SM: I mean I live in a studio, so when you come over I don't want you expecting much.
Me: ....
SM: So really what is it going to take?
Me: Well I just don't know if I'm ready right now.

(Phone Rings. He doesn't leave.)

SM: So here's my number. I put my name on there. My mom always said you can tell if a girl likes you, because they ask your name. I know your name because you answered the phone and said it, but you didn't ask my name.
Me: You already gave it to me when I wrote down your message for my boss. Soooo....
SM: Well, don't make me come back and have to ask your boss why you didn't call.
Me: Like I said, don't be offended when I don't call, I'm just not ready.
SM: Don't worry I wouldn't tell (motioning to my boss' door) when something happens between us. I keep that stuff very private.
Me: Good to know I guess...
SM: So I'll be waiting for your call. It was nice meeting you. And like I said you're really cute and I call like it like it is and I'd like to take you out.
Me: Yup, nice meeting you too.

That my friends was the disaster I was faced with yesterday. A disaster in the form of a Sparkletts salesman. I couldn't make it up if I tried. It can only get better right???? I really hope so.

Great News...

My mom went into surgery yesterday and given her history with hospitals, I inevitably had anxiety leading up to her procedure. I had let my EH know she would be going in. I felt that he would want to know about it, seeing as though she named him all those years ago and well, for a while there, she was his mother in law.

I figured he would call her, wish her good luck, you know do the honorable thing and be selfless and think of someone other than himself. Well, it seems as though he just couldn't do it. I truly believe that act was very cowardly. And cowards don't sit well in my book. He was never like that when we were together, so whoever has influenced him or whatever his thinking process is these days, isn't that of someone I would have ever married. It's one thing for him to be that way towards with me, but with my family, I give him no leeway.

I'm disappointed, disgusted, and saddened that one amazing individual has turned into someone I do not even recognize. Maybe one day he will snap out of it. I hope for his sake and for the sake of this world, as the person I knew was bound to do great things.

But moving on to my mom....before she left she gave me a tearjerker of a speech. She told me that if something weird happened during the surgery and if she didn't wake up she wanted me to know she has always been and will always be behind me. She didn't even need to say those words, because if there is one thing I know to be true, is that my family, especially my mom and dad, have always been behind me pushing me forward, lending support, and cheer leading me on to be the best that I can be.

My mom made it out of surgery, just like I knew she would, and I have to say she may be the best patient I have ever seen. Even with all the pain she is in, she doesn't complain. She has been through more challenging situations, that is for sure, but it never ceases to amaze me how tough she is and how determined she is in life. So that was my great news of the day. There will be other great news for me to share with all of you in the near near future, so until then I wish all of you a beautiful day!

Change...

I like to think that with change, I am able to grow and learn more about myself. And when put in uncomfortable surroundings and/or situations, I have the ability to thrive. It's why I continually challenge myself; accept promotions I may not have all the qualifications for, move to a new town, and more frequently dye my hair.

If you know me, you know my hair changes with each season. As I've mentioned in earlier posts, I have no attachment to my hair and I like to try new things. Well, it's just about summer time which meant I was ready for something new...something really new. I went to my amazing hairstylist on Friday and had asked for platinum with lavender...I've been platinum but never with colored highlights.

Well, instead of highlights of lavender I am completely lavender. My hairstylist thought I meant to dye my red hair platinum then put a lavender wash throughout. Now seeing your hair completely lavender, when expecting platinum may have freaked some out, but to me it was chance to smile and see what new adventures may come out of this new hair style.

And so far the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. I've had complete strangers, women and men of all ages, tell me my hair makes them smile, makes them happy and/or that it's nice to see someone who doesn't take them self so seriously.

I wonder what my EH would say if he saw it. I hope it would make him smile one of his amazing smiles, and laugh just a little louder. And if didn't, well then that would be his loss, because life is so much better when you are smiling and laughing. And the fact that I can do that for complete strangers, well I just have to say this has been one amazing change.

Transition...

Since I found out my EH was filing for divorce, I truly started to emotionally eat. Not that I loss complete self control, but by the time night came around I was over eating as a way to help with my anxiety.

If you asked anyone I know, they would tell you I look fine and that I shouldn't worry. But it isn't the amount of calories I am consuming that bothers me, as much as it is why I am doing it.

About two weeks ago I decided to slowly get back into a habit of not depending on food to provide me comfort. Whenever I attempt to change my lifestyle, I do it slowly so as not to be overwhelmed.

My first step was taking chicken out of my diet. I don't eat any other meats, so you would think this would be easy... it's not. I love chicken. But with all of the new studies coming out regarding carcinogens found in chicken, I decided it was time to take it out. In it's replacement I found an amazing product, Vega One and Vega Sport, to provide me with the protein I would need to help sustain my active lifestyle. Their products are all plant based and gluten free, which I have been for over a year.

As I looked further into their products, I came across a book written by a vegan triathlete. And his story and success has inspired me to head towards a vegan diet. He has teamed with Vega One and if you visit their website you can sign up for a 30 day challenge. He truly helps to transition you into a vegan lifestyle.

Now, Memorial Day, I cheated. I definitely had cheese, but the next morning when I woke up feeling bloated and sick, I realized that since I had already been limiting the amount of dairy prior to that day, my body had a weird reaction, which has prompted me to try to take it completely out of my diet.

Will I have set backs, most likely, will I eat cheese every once in a while....I'm going to have to say yes, but I am definitely going to work hard at making my diet primarily vegan. I'll let you know how it goes and in regards to my divorce, how my diet affects my emotional wellness during this process.

I hope everyone had a great Memorial Day and that you all celebrated the heroes in your life. I know I did; from my side of the family and my EH's side of the family. I am thankful for their service and sacrifice as well as countless others.

Someone to lean on...

There are moments that come up when I really wish I had my EH to lean on for support. Someone to discuss my fears with, my hopes with, and my stress with and at the same time share all my love with.

I understand the importance of being happy with yourself, fulfilled with yourself, but having someone who you can lean on in times of difficulty makes them so much easier to wade through.

Sure I could call a friend, or talk to my family, but there are just some things I don't feel like bothering them with. And not that it would necessarily bother them, but I would feel that I am.

When you're married you share all of those moments with your partner, and there's an understanding that the challenges you face alone become challenges you face together.

I miss having my EH by my side taking on those battles with me. He was a great warrior in my life, and I loved knowing he was there to support, love and comfort me.