I was dreading this last weekend. My EH had made it clear he did not want me or my stuff in his apartment any more. I was no longer welcome in his life. So the time had come where I was going to have to drive almost 400 miles to pack up my belongings then drive 400 miles back to my parents. To say I was anxious would be an understatement. While I have been trying to pick up the pieces in my life, it appeared as though my EH was moving on and along quite easily. And here I was, a mess, unable to cope with life. Well the time had come, and I was so fortunate to have my brother in law, GR, along for the ride.
I was going to make this entire blog about what it was like packing up my belongings, deciding which things I would keep and which things were just too difficult to have in my life. I was going to talk about the complete disrespect I felt when I walked into the apartment and where pictures of us use to hang were now football memorabilia. And I will get to a post about that one day. But today, I want to talk about something profound GR said to me.
While driving, he said, "Lacey, God puts people in our lives for a reason, and sometimes those people don't always stay around because they have served their purpose." He went on to explain that when his best friend of years moved away, he felt he was never going to have another friend like him. Then my EH came along, and to GR, he was even better. He was like having a brother.
I've mentioned in my first post that I was going to write about my mom recovery but then I never got around to it. And if you read my letter in that post you would have learned that my mom went into a coma and into the hospital on my EH's birthday 4 years ago. To say he was my saving grace would be an understatement. He was everything anyone could ask for. And he was asked to be many things during those trying times.
My brother in law and I talked about how none of us would have been able to get through my mom's ordeal if it weren't for my EH. He and GR would sleep at the hospital with my dad and comfort him during those late hours. He would be there waiting with my mom, if no one else was available. He helped nurses with tasks that no other son in law would be willing to jump in and help with. He would make my sisters laugh, when laughing seemed impossible. He would ask me to marry him, because he could no longer hold in the amount of love he had for me. He would help me with taking care of bills, phone calls, and dealing with the constant pain I was feeling. I can't possibly begin to write everything my EH did during those trying times, because he did everything.
It is true, God does put people in our lives for a reason. And maybe, just possibly, my EH was put in my life for the purpose of being there during what would be one of the most difficult moments I would ever have to deal with, besides what I am feeling and dealing with now. We saw and got to experience the best parts of my EH at the most crucial times. And I have to remember to thank God for bringing him into my life at the time he did, and the way he did. But I can't help to pray and wish to be given more time...I want everyone to know that no matter how difficult this process is or how angry I get at my EH, at the core of who he is, he is the best. And I hope to be as strong and incredible as him, if ever faced with a life changing event such as my mom's.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Bottle, Wax and Label...
One of the most important things in life to do is take care of yourself...especially if you are going through a break up or divorce. And that can be reading, working out, eating healthy, taking a bath, whatever it is that calms your mind and soul. And I've been struggling at doing this.
The other morning I woke up with the worst anxiety. All night I had dreamt of my EH. He and I were together, smiling and happy. Doing some of our favorite things, like sitting on our favorite stoop at Disneyland people watching. So I woke up with horrible anxiety, and I couldn't stop crying. Sleeping sometimes becomes your worst enemy and dreams can be so cruel. Because when you wake up reality hits.
Thankfully, my day had already been planned, so although I had to endure a couple hours of crippling sadness, I was looking forward to my adventures ahead. What did my day consist of, you ask. Well let me tell you. I was fortunate enough to be able to bottle my uncle's wine for the day. Yes bottle, cork, wax, and label. And that is no easy feat.
My aunt, two cousins, and my cousin's wife were given an overview by our team leader (owner of the vineyard of my uncle's wine) of what we were expected to do. To say we were nervous would be an understatement. We 5 amateurs were going to be bottling, waxing and labeling my uncle's wine.
In the beginning there were 3 stations. One station to clean the bottles, one to put the wine in the bottles and one to cork. We were asked to assume our positions and I quickly took to the station which required putting 5 empty bottles under their respective spouts, checking the wine level and then taking them off and quickly putting in their replacements. I learned that at no point can there be an empty spout or the other bottles will overflow. And some spouts will just stop pouring all together, in which case I had to rely on our very skilled team leader to get them going again.
We started off slow, finding a good rhythm. Half way through the 75 cases, yes 75 cases, we felt pretttttty comfortable in what we were doing. My aunt was cleaning the bottles like a pro, getting her hand technique down, I was filling and replacing the bottles as quickly and swiftly as I could, and my cousins and cousin's wife were corking the bottles despite the twinge developing in their backs. Needless to say, we decided it was time to rearrange positions. After all when do you ever get a chance to bottle wine?
Holy Moly is all I can say! I went to the corking station along with my aunt, my cousin went to cleaning the bottles, my other cousin was to open cases, and my cousin's wife went to filling the bottles. What ensued could only be described in terms of an episode out of I Love Lucy. We were, in essence, Lucy and Ethel in the chocolate factory, stuffing chocolates down our shirts and in our mouths. Thankfully, our team leader got us back on track but we learned in those very seconds, we could not and should not switch positions ever again.
It's funny, in the beginning we were all nervous for what position to take, but once you get in the swing of things it becomes second nature but change those positions around midway through, and it's a mess. It's kind of like relationship, you start off nervous not knowing what to expect but then you get into a routine. Throw a wrench into the mix and everything is off kilter. If you don't have a team leader to get you back on track, you will remain with chocolates stuffed in your mouth and down your shirt.
After bottling we went to the waxing portion. Now let me tell you, as stressful as the first part was, waxing to me was even more so. There is no way I was going to let my uncle's bottles of wine look like a complete mess. You learn, when waxing, that if you don't start with the basic techniques, you will end up with a big bubble on the top or on the side. And if that happens, you have to take apart the wax and start over. Like a relationship, if you don't have the building blocks such as communication, love or respect, you will end up with a big bubble, one that needs to be taken a part and redone. IF you never learn how to fix the bubble, you will end up with an ugly bottle of wine.
My first two bottles had the worst looking bubbles, I was ready to give up. But I decided that it was important for me to at least work on my waxing technique until I could produce a perfect looking top. And I did. I also was in charge of taking off the wax on bottles that did have certain unforgiving characteristics. I kept thinking if only my EH and I had worked this hard at our relationship we would not have ended up with this ugly bottle of wine sitting before us right now.
Labeling was not difficult, but again if you don't line the bottle up perfectly, dry the bottle, you could end up with a label not centered and rippled. In the end we ended with 13 completed cases of bottled, waxed and labeled wines. The remaining 62 cases of wine we had filled, would be waxed and labeled on another day. We ended our adventure at a beautiful vineyard, drinking some amazing wine. And all I could think was how my EH would have loved the experience I had just gone through.
When I got home, I had another anxiety attack. I cried all night. As fun as the day was, all I could think of was what could have been with my EH and I. We could have had a smooth glossy waxed bottle with a beautiful label. I regret many things, but I am also frustrated that through it all my EH never communicated to me his needs and even now, he's reluctant to communicate. He won't answer his phone or respond to texts about important things, such as who will get what or how are we going to handle finances. And I fear that he will never have a smooth waxed bottle of wine if he doesn't learn how to communicate to others. And if he does learn that important building block of a relationship, and he creates a beautiful bottle of wine with a glossy waxed top and a perfectly placed label, I can guarantee that bottle will never taste as good or look as good as the bottle we could have had together.
It was a magnificent day to say the least. And I learned a lot about myself, relationships, and of course about bottling, waxing and labeling
wine.
The other morning I woke up with the worst anxiety. All night I had dreamt of my EH. He and I were together, smiling and happy. Doing some of our favorite things, like sitting on our favorite stoop at Disneyland people watching. So I woke up with horrible anxiety, and I couldn't stop crying. Sleeping sometimes becomes your worst enemy and dreams can be so cruel. Because when you wake up reality hits.
Thankfully, my day had already been planned, so although I had to endure a couple hours of crippling sadness, I was looking forward to my adventures ahead. What did my day consist of, you ask. Well let me tell you. I was fortunate enough to be able to bottle my uncle's wine for the day. Yes bottle, cork, wax, and label. And that is no easy feat.
My aunt, two cousins, and my cousin's wife were given an overview by our team leader (owner of the vineyard of my uncle's wine) of what we were expected to do. To say we were nervous would be an understatement. We 5 amateurs were going to be bottling, waxing and labeling my uncle's wine.
In the beginning there were 3 stations. One station to clean the bottles, one to put the wine in the bottles and one to cork. We were asked to assume our positions and I quickly took to the station which required putting 5 empty bottles under their respective spouts, checking the wine level and then taking them off and quickly putting in their replacements. I learned that at no point can there be an empty spout or the other bottles will overflow. And some spouts will just stop pouring all together, in which case I had to rely on our very skilled team leader to get them going again.
We started off slow, finding a good rhythm. Half way through the 75 cases, yes 75 cases, we felt pretttttty comfortable in what we were doing. My aunt was cleaning the bottles like a pro, getting her hand technique down, I was filling and replacing the bottles as quickly and swiftly as I could, and my cousins and cousin's wife were corking the bottles despite the twinge developing in their backs. Needless to say, we decided it was time to rearrange positions. After all when do you ever get a chance to bottle wine?
Holy Moly is all I can say! I went to the corking station along with my aunt, my cousin went to cleaning the bottles, my other cousin was to open cases, and my cousin's wife went to filling the bottles. What ensued could only be described in terms of an episode out of I Love Lucy. We were, in essence, Lucy and Ethel in the chocolate factory, stuffing chocolates down our shirts and in our mouths. Thankfully, our team leader got us back on track but we learned in those very seconds, we could not and should not switch positions ever again.
It's funny, in the beginning we were all nervous for what position to take, but once you get in the swing of things it becomes second nature but change those positions around midway through, and it's a mess. It's kind of like relationship, you start off nervous not knowing what to expect but then you get into a routine. Throw a wrench into the mix and everything is off kilter. If you don't have a team leader to get you back on track, you will remain with chocolates stuffed in your mouth and down your shirt.
After bottling we went to the waxing portion. Now let me tell you, as stressful as the first part was, waxing to me was even more so. There is no way I was going to let my uncle's bottles of wine look like a complete mess. You learn, when waxing, that if you don't start with the basic techniques, you will end up with a big bubble on the top or on the side. And if that happens, you have to take apart the wax and start over. Like a relationship, if you don't have the building blocks such as communication, love or respect, you will end up with a big bubble, one that needs to be taken a part and redone. IF you never learn how to fix the bubble, you will end up with an ugly bottle of wine.
My first two bottles had the worst looking bubbles, I was ready to give up. But I decided that it was important for me to at least work on my waxing technique until I could produce a perfect looking top. And I did. I also was in charge of taking off the wax on bottles that did have certain unforgiving characteristics. I kept thinking if only my EH and I had worked this hard at our relationship we would not have ended up with this ugly bottle of wine sitting before us right now.
Labeling was not difficult, but again if you don't line the bottle up perfectly, dry the bottle, you could end up with a label not centered and rippled. In the end we ended with 13 completed cases of bottled, waxed and labeled wines. The remaining 62 cases of wine we had filled, would be waxed and labeled on another day. We ended our adventure at a beautiful vineyard, drinking some amazing wine. And all I could think was how my EH would have loved the experience I had just gone through.
When I got home, I had another anxiety attack. I cried all night. As fun as the day was, all I could think of was what could have been with my EH and I. We could have had a smooth glossy waxed bottle with a beautiful label. I regret many things, but I am also frustrated that through it all my EH never communicated to me his needs and even now, he's reluctant to communicate. He won't answer his phone or respond to texts about important things, such as who will get what or how are we going to handle finances. And I fear that he will never have a smooth waxed bottle of wine if he doesn't learn how to communicate to others. And if he does learn that important building block of a relationship, and he creates a beautiful bottle of wine with a glossy waxed top and a perfectly placed label, I can guarantee that bottle will never taste as good or look as good as the bottle we could have had together.
It was a magnificent day to say the least. And I learned a lot about myself, relationships, and of course about bottling, waxing and labeling
wine.
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