Well Loved Indeed...

Evening Friends,

I am writing this new post with so much excitement. My sister and I visited Santa at Disneyland. She asked for a home and I asked for a laptop. Sometimes I believe our Christmas wishes we give to S.C. find their way back to our parents. And as was the case with my wish of a laptop. 

My parents gave me a new MacBook Air for Christmas. I don't know if I entirely deserve such a gift, but I am so happy I did. All the things I gave up in my separation/divorce, I am now getting back but even nicer and better than what I had before. 

It wasn't just this gift from my parents that touched my heart. My sisters, brother in law, and niece also gave me such thoughtful gifts, that I have felt so spoiled this year. A new ring, a beautiful bracelet, new top of the line running shoes, and a lunchbox to take to work, well loved I am indeed. 

And to top it off, I have this weekend off. A whole weekend. Two days to do what I want. So excited, as I have been working a lot this Christmas season, including the 4 days up unto Christmas, and 3 days after. So two days to do what I want, well that is quite unbelievable. 

So long dear friends, until I write again : )

Believe...

I am so happy to be where I am today. Emotionally and spiritually.

This time of year is always my favorite, and I had previously worried I would have mixed emotions as this will be the first Christmas without my EH. I could not have been more wrong. I am so happy. And full of Christmas spirit. In fact, the only time I've thought about my EH, was when I sat down to write this post. Other than that I am so wrapped up in enjoying every moment of every day, that I have no time to think of him. And if I do, it's for a split second, and I have no emotional reaction. It's how I know I'm healing. I have no anger or love. I'm in essence I'm indifferent.

Did I ever think I would get here...no. But I am here. And I love it. I love feeling free. I love being independent. I love doing things for me and being truly happy.

And I love Christmas. I do. I am a true believer in Santa Claus, and all throughout this holiday season, I have felt his spirit with me. When I was five, I had a Santa Claus experience unlike any one's I have ever heard. It is something no one will ever be able to take away from me, and it is something that I am reminded of each Christmas.

As I've grown older, my S.C. moments have developed and transformed into different ways. Each as special and memorable as my first Santa Claus experience. I suspect like I have every year, I will be hearing his bells this Christmas Eve. And I can't wait to wake up Christmas morning with my family and be surrounded by their love and the magic of Christmas.

And most importantly I can't wait to celebrate the birth of Christ and keep him present throughout the day.

Honoring Life...

As I sat and watched the news today, I could not help but be saddened by the atrocities that occurred at the elementary school in Connecticut. As I'm sure all of you were.

I saw many posts today about hugging and loving your loved ones a little more today. To me this is something we should do every day. Do not let tragedies like this, be your reminder. Every moment of every day, fill your hearts with love and appreciate those who mean the world to you.

Unfortunately we live in a world with murder, rape, molestation, etc. Lives are destroyed every day in different ways.

I once wrote about how strange it is when your world stops and those around you keep living. Today I believe all of our worlds stopped, even if for just a moment.

And even in this darkness, light was able to shine through in the form of new life. My cousin had her baby boy today. A healthy, beautiful baby boy.

I remember when my grandfather passed away, I had a difficult time laughing, even smiling again. It felt like I was doing an injustice to his memory, if I did not mourn. This completely contradicted what he wanted of us. Before he died, he told us we had one week to cry about his death. When his wife, my incredibly strong grandmother, scoffed at this, he relented and gave us two weeks. He said that any crying after those two weeks, was just pure selfishness on our part.

I think it goes deeper than that. I believe when we live in a constant state of mourning, for whatever the reason may be...death, divorce, or shootings such as today's...we lose sight of the beauty and wonder that is living.

Today I rejoiced in the birth of my cousin's baby, and I did not stop for one moment and feel bad for living, laughing, and smiling today. It did not mean that my heart was not heavy for what was occurring in Connecticut, but simply put I was honoring each life that was lost today, by truly living mine.

Worthwhile...

As I was sitting at high tea (another first) with my family and friends, I thought about how important it is to surround yourself with positive people. Genuinely kind and happy people.

It is easy to get caught up in drama and negativity, but when you rid yourself of that, life becomes much more worthwhile.

I can't deny that my blog may be full of half truths. I believe that I make that very evident in my blog, as throughout this ordeal  I was only given half truths, which all goes back to communication or lack thereof. 

Regardless of the type of  relationship you are in, whether that be a business relationship, friendship, marriage, etc. lack of communication, passive aggressive behavior, results in unnecessary drama and half truths. 

This blog has been from my point of view, from what I have learned...from what I have been told by 3rd parties and some times my EH. It has been a journey of piecing together what bits of information I have been given. And in no way have I been easy on myself. I've exposed my flaws, my mistakes and have not put myself in the best light at times. 

It wasn't until recently when I learned of my EH's dishonesty, that I let go of the guilt I have been feeling for months, and realized that it wasn't all me. Maybe I didn't write some posts as eloquently as I would have liked, and used words that I would, looking back, change, but like most individuals I'm not immune to the occasional slip up. Really nobody is perfect and to pretend that you are better than someone else, or a group of people only reflects poorly on you, and who you are as an individual. 

Like I've said over and over again, I will never forget all the good my EH did. The love and care he provided my mom during her most trying months. But I'm also no longer blinded by it and reluctant to acknowledge my EH's responsibility and part in this divorce. 

I'm not sorry for writing this blog, and will continue to write until I decide I have gotten out of it what I need. I think the most incredible gift I have been given during this journey is not doubting who I am. I am proud of who I am, and believe myself to be a very good person. For the first time, the opinions of others have no hold over me.  And the beliefs of some will not trump the way I feel and believe about myself . 

I surround myself with genuinely kind, positive, and happy people, because that is how I want to be, that is who I am. 

Why I Blog...

From the beginning this blog has been a way for me to heal. Nothing more than me getting my feelings out and hopefully helping others in the process know that they are not alone. It wasn't meant to thrash my EH. And those who are reading my blog, you are friends and family, who may not always have a chance to call in and see how I am doing. But are able to take a minute out of your day and read what my experience has been like.

Something Else...

I know I've mentioned it before, but it's amazing how in one moment you can feel as amazing as ever and in the next as low as you have ever felt.

Today I had to sign and notarize my divorce papers for the second time. Comparatively to the last time, this go around I didn't feel quite the emotional turmoil.

I have been riding on a high ever since having the most magical day at Disneyland, which included visiting Walt Disney's apartment. So no sadness while signing the papers for this girl.

No the emotional breakdown came hours later, when I was reprimanded for using a towel not of my own. Typically I would have laughed at such an absurdity. Because honestly in the grand scheme of things a towel is just a towel and in no way did I deserve a tongue lashing. But bottle that with having to sign the divorce papers today and realizing I am still alone, it got to me. And the flood gates were opened.

I believe the real issue comes down to not feeling good enough. That I can't do anything right at that moment. Do I feel this way always? No. But in these little moments, all of my self doubt comes bubbling to the surface and instead of taking a deep breath and letting it go, I can't help but cry.

Of course, 30 minutes later the tears are no longer there and I feel semi ridiculous for not standing my ground and saying to myself, "Self, let it go. Don't let it get to you. Obviously there is something else going on with that person that has nothing to do with you, and all you have to do is smile and be happy."

Maybe next time...because I guarantee there will be a next time. Probably not with a towel, but something else, that is for sure.

Appreciating Me...

Today is the first day of December and it seems almost unreal that in two months, I will have been going through this divorce process for a year. Looking back at this last week, I finally realize what it means to move on.

Had I not found out that my EH was unfaithful during our marriage and that he had lied on many occasions from the beginning of our relationship, I can't say I would be where I am today.

The clarity in knowing that the love story I thought we had, was never really there, helped me come to this place of complete understanding of what it was we actually had. And a love story it was not.

Yes there were moments of complete happiness and bliss, but overall, I married someone who was dishonest to me, to our marriage, and to himself.


This week, I decided to love me. I took myself out to the movies at an upscale movie theatre, bought myself some new workout pants, and treated myself to some lovely dinners. It was altogether a very pleasant appreciation of me. Something I believe I deserved.