So I was listening to Katy Perry's Part of Me...and I know what most of you may be thinking, and the answer is no, I did not break down crying in my car when it came on. I actually became irritated with a line in the song.
And in all honesty, it's ridiculous to be irritated with a line in a song, but it was something that got me thinking. Katy, we're on a first name basis now, sings "I just wanna throw my phone away, find out who is really there for me."
Most of us want everyone to stop what they are doing to help us through a crisis and yet at the same time we complain that no one seems to say the right thing. But what we want and what we need are two extremely different things.
Yes, it is important to have friends and family around when going through a loss such as this, but their lives should not stop just because our lives have. Just because they haven't been able to call or go to dinner with you, doesn't mean they don't love you or are not thinking about you.
And just because I am crumbling, I don't expect my friends to stop what they are doing to listen to me cry about how lonely or sad I am.
"I just wanna throw my phone away, find out who is really there for me." Katy, everyone who loves you is there for you, regardless if they call or not or visit you or not. Besides, at the end of the day only you will be able to mend your heart.
Your friends, your friends are doing exactly what they should be doing. Living. And if you need someone and there doesn't seem to be anyone around... pray, journal, dance, sing, laugh, smile, find your happiness, be fulfilled with yourself, and in time your world will begin to turn again.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Ring...
It's the little things that can set me off into a whirlwind of sadness. For example, sitting at the nail salon and looking at my newly painted nails and realizing my ring finger is so completely bare. I miss wearing my wedding ring. I miss looking at my hand and smiling, because that ring means there's someone out there who loves me so unconditionally that he made me his wife.
I loved the two most important rings my EH ever gave to me. The first ring, my engagement ring, was a beautiful ring in the shape of a flower. It was made of rose gold and white gold, with a little diamond in the middle. I cherished that ring. It was so unique, so simple, so perfect. As I lost weight, the ring no longer fit, but instead of getting the ring sized my EH bought me another perfect ring.
He bought me a gold ring with a sapphire stone. Sapphire being my birthstone, and the ring so similar to the first ring my dad ever bought my mom. So special, and so thoughtful.
I didn't take the rings with me when I packed up my belongings and moved my stuff back home. There were many things that I didn't take because they held too much sentimental value. But those are the things that I sometimes wish I had the most. Maybe because I would feel more connected to my EH than I do now. But having those items wouldn't bring me any closer to my EH. They would just represent something that no longer exists. They would represent his love for me...and he doesn't love me any more. As a friend, as a wife, as anything.
So needless to say I have been pretty emotional lately, crying unexpectedly and feeling such a sense of loss that at times I can barely breathe. But then I pick myself back up again. And that's how my life will be for a while. Waves of sadness and happiness and everything in between.
I loved the two most important rings my EH ever gave to me. The first ring, my engagement ring, was a beautiful ring in the shape of a flower. It was made of rose gold and white gold, with a little diamond in the middle. I cherished that ring. It was so unique, so simple, so perfect. As I lost weight, the ring no longer fit, but instead of getting the ring sized my EH bought me another perfect ring.
He bought me a gold ring with a sapphire stone. Sapphire being my birthstone, and the ring so similar to the first ring my dad ever bought my mom. So special, and so thoughtful.
I didn't take the rings with me when I packed up my belongings and moved my stuff back home. There were many things that I didn't take because they held too much sentimental value. But those are the things that I sometimes wish I had the most. Maybe because I would feel more connected to my EH than I do now. But having those items wouldn't bring me any closer to my EH. They would just represent something that no longer exists. They would represent his love for me...and he doesn't love me any more. As a friend, as a wife, as anything.
So needless to say I have been pretty emotional lately, crying unexpectedly and feeling such a sense of loss that at times I can barely breathe. But then I pick myself back up again. And that's how my life will be for a while. Waves of sadness and happiness and everything in between.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
San Diego...
It's not easy to go out and laugh and smile and pretend that everything going on in your life is amazing, especially when you feel part of you is missing. But it is important. You can't stop living and if you do, it will take you much longer to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep moving toward the light and one day you won't be pretending.
This last weekend I went to San Diego with friends to celebrate a birthday. And it was in a word, fun. At first, I was selfish. I started to cry as I looked around at all the couples because I wanted what they had, but I wanted it with my EH. I wanted to be looking into his eyes, smiling and laughing with him and holding his hands. But that's not going to happen. So I had to get over myself and over that thought.
When you start to feel sad, jealous, anxious, because your life isn't going the way you planned take a second and think about all the things you do have. Whether it's your health, your job, some amazing food you just ate, whatever it is, think about those things and let all the worry, anxiety, sadness, and jealousy melt away.
And put on a happy face. Even if you aren't feeling it because I promise you at some point you will feel happiness. As far as the rest of the trip went, I have to tell you it was filled with laughter, dancing, drinking, eating, exercising, shopping, anything and everything you can imagine jam packed into a weekend.
It's not easy to go out when all you want to do is sleep and cry. But do it. I promise you in the end it will be much better for your soul.
This last weekend I went to San Diego with friends to celebrate a birthday. And it was in a word, fun. At first, I was selfish. I started to cry as I looked around at all the couples because I wanted what they had, but I wanted it with my EH. I wanted to be looking into his eyes, smiling and laughing with him and holding his hands. But that's not going to happen. So I had to get over myself and over that thought.
When you start to feel sad, jealous, anxious, because your life isn't going the way you planned take a second and think about all the things you do have. Whether it's your health, your job, some amazing food you just ate, whatever it is, think about those things and let all the worry, anxiety, sadness, and jealousy melt away.
And put on a happy face. Even if you aren't feeling it because I promise you at some point you will feel happiness. As far as the rest of the trip went, I have to tell you it was filled with laughter, dancing, drinking, eating, exercising, shopping, anything and everything you can imagine jam packed into a weekend.
It's not easy to go out when all you want to do is sleep and cry. But do it. I promise you in the end it will be much better for your soul.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
I won't give up...
Some days I feel like I have no other choice but to move on with my life and some days I feel like I won't give up. Today is not one of those days. I feel completely at a loss in life and I feel like I can't hold on anymore to my failed marriage. It's at these times that I can't help to think of Jason Mraz's song "I Won't Give Up."
About three weeks ago I was in my car praying, as I typically do in my car, asking what I should do, because honestly I feel so lost at times I just don't know what to do. I have people telling me to move on, that my EH just doesn't love me any more or want me in his life, so I should just move on. If I could just move on my marriage would not have been based off of a deep love, at least on my part.
But here I am telling myself "He doesn't love you. Move on. You're not good enough, especially not for him and if you were he would still be with you or at least talk to you. But he doesn't. Because he doesn't love you. So just move on..."
But I can't. Although I feel like I have no other choice but to move on and even as I write that I feel like I can't hold on to my failed marriage, I don't fully believe it. Maybe it's stubbornness, refusal to fail. Or as I suspect, because I still love my EH so much, I won't give up.
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.
I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
About three weeks ago I was in my car praying, as I typically do in my car, asking what I should do, because honestly I feel so lost at times I just don't know what to do. I have people telling me to move on, that my EH just doesn't love me any more or want me in his life, so I should just move on. If I could just move on my marriage would not have been based off of a deep love, at least on my part.
But here I am telling myself "He doesn't love you. Move on. You're not good enough, especially not for him and if you were he would still be with you or at least talk to you. But he doesn't. Because he doesn't love you. So just move on..."
But I can't. Although I feel like I have no other choice but to move on and even as I write that I feel like I can't hold on to my failed marriage, I don't fully believe it. Maybe it's stubbornness, refusal to fail. Or as I suspect, because I still love my EH so much, I won't give up.
When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
There's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find
'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up
I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not
And who I am
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Still looking up.
I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)
I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up
Monday, April 9, 2012
New Life...
Before I start my post...I'd like to say I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter. There is so much to be thankful for, and I do believe that Easter represents, in some ways, new life.
I had a beautiful day yesterday spent with friends and family. I only broke down once...as I was getting ready for dinner I thought back on what a special day it had been, and how after all these years my parents still put out Easter baskets. It saddened me though, because where there once had been a basket for my EH, there no longer was.
I sent my EH an Easter text and although I didn't expect anything back, I was still disappointed not to have at least received a text wishing me a Happy Easter.
It's sometimes so difficult to get through the day without crawling into bed to escape from the emotions I am feeling. But I do get through the day, and I refuse to hide under blankets and not face the world. I refuse to let this divorce cripple me, even when it seems it would be much easier.
All I can say is that yesterday was a shining example of new life...so here's to a new journey and a new life for all of us going through breakups, divorces, or any other bump in the road.
I had a beautiful day yesterday spent with friends and family. I only broke down once...as I was getting ready for dinner I thought back on what a special day it had been, and how after all these years my parents still put out Easter baskets. It saddened me though, because where there once had been a basket for my EH, there no longer was.
I sent my EH an Easter text and although I didn't expect anything back, I was still disappointed not to have at least received a text wishing me a Happy Easter.
It's sometimes so difficult to get through the day without crawling into bed to escape from the emotions I am feeling. But I do get through the day, and I refuse to hide under blankets and not face the world. I refuse to let this divorce cripple me, even when it seems it would be much easier.
All I can say is that yesterday was a shining example of new life...so here's to a new journey and a new life for all of us going through breakups, divorces, or any other bump in the road.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Happiness...
Happiness is finding out that your mom's CT scans show no signs of a tumor! And that is why I am smiling so much this week. Last week my mom went in for a scan because her optometrist suspected she may have had another tumor...and yesterday we found her scans came back clear. So happy. So so happy. And I just had to share the good news with all of you. Scratch that, I had to share the GREAT news with all of you.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Nightmare...
Today, and typically most days, I feel like I am a. having a nightmare and any moment I will wake up and my EH will be holding me and we will laugh that I had a dream of him leaving or b. that I'm living someone else's life.
None of this feels real to me. And I can't process why this is all happening because my EH hasn't given me a reasonable explanation as to why he is doing this. I've told him so many times over the last couple months that if he could just tell me why, than I'd have something to hold onto that would help me move forward, on, whatever it is I need to be doing.
He makes moving on seem so easy as if not talking to me comes second nature to him. How, after all this time, can it be so easy for him? And all I can come up with, is because he knows why he's doing this. He knows why he has made this decision, so he doesn't have to sit up at night wondering why. He doesn't have to feel like he's in a nightmare or living someone else's life.
I want that. I want that peace of mind. I'm so lucky with the friends that I have, and for my family. They keep me smiling and looking forward to new adventures, but there is a definite piece of me missing. And as I face hurdle after hurdle, I no longer have my EH holding my hand and helping me through the difficult times. And with all that is happening, besides my EH leaving me, I feel like I need his hand to hold onto, otherwise I'm just going to be stumbling and falling over these hurdles.
None of this feels real to me. And I can't process why this is all happening because my EH hasn't given me a reasonable explanation as to why he is doing this. I've told him so many times over the last couple months that if he could just tell me why, than I'd have something to hold onto that would help me move forward, on, whatever it is I need to be doing.
He makes moving on seem so easy as if not talking to me comes second nature to him. How, after all this time, can it be so easy for him? And all I can come up with, is because he knows why he's doing this. He knows why he has made this decision, so he doesn't have to sit up at night wondering why. He doesn't have to feel like he's in a nightmare or living someone else's life.
I want that. I want that peace of mind. I'm so lucky with the friends that I have, and for my family. They keep me smiling and looking forward to new adventures, but there is a definite piece of me missing. And as I face hurdle after hurdle, I no longer have my EH holding my hand and helping me through the difficult times. And with all that is happening, besides my EH leaving me, I feel like I need his hand to hold onto, otherwise I'm just going to be stumbling and falling over these hurdles.
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