Learning To Love...

I'm learning to love the new me.

The healthy, strong, muscular me.

I'm learning to let go of the thin me. The me that came to be because of stress and a divorce.

When I look at pictures of myself during that time, I tend to not think of how much pain I was in. All I see is a beautiful thin person.

I don't look at the pain in her eyes, her broken heart, or constant self criticism of how she failed in her marriage. Instead I look at her skinny arms, no hips, small legs, and flat chest and think, "To be her again."

But what that would mean... well it would mean taking away my happiness.

When I started gaining weight and muscle and filling out, I was angry at myself. I didn't understand why it was happening. My caloric intake hadn't changed. So what was I doing wrong?

And it hit me. Nothing. I am doing nothing wrong. In fact I am doing more right than wrong these days.

I am eating...for the most part...healthy. I am working out. And I am happy.

I'm no longer a stress ball dealing with a broken heart. My body isn't breaking down because of a broken heart.

My body is now healing itself, just as my heart did. And I am learning to love the new me. Not every day is perfect. I still look at the old me and think how nice it would be. But then I remember to be her again...well to be her again would mean I haven't achieved the happiness and balance in my life that I have achieved.

Am I Making It Count?...

5 times I sat down to write about what was going on in my life. And each time I ended up walking away from the computer unable to write was I was feeling.

This last month was a whirlwind, mostly consumed with closing down the project I had been working on all Summer.

Couple that with balancing a relationship with Bear, my family and friends, and I just felt overwhelmed by everything I was feeling. 

And to top it off, I turned 30 yesterday.

It's not that 30 is old. But when I was in my 20s I felt I had all the time in the world to start a family. I wasn't even actually in a rush to get married, that is something EH wanted more than me. When I was in my 20s, I would often think, "Oh I've got 10-15 years before I need to start thinking about that."

When you turn 30 that 10-15 years is now just a mere 5 years. A lot can happen in 5 years, but a lot can not happen in 5 years.

I didn't always make the most out of my 20s, and what I know now is that I need to make every moment, every day count.  At the end of each day I keep wondering if I am really doing that.

And I don't know that I am. But I will continue to try.