The Divorce Will Take Everything...

Lately I have been feeling lonely and I keep thinking maybe I am ready to be with someone again. But I'm terrified that if I were to be with someone, that all I would really want is my EH. Maybe because that is all I have known.


When I saw this post on Post Secret the other day it hit me hard. I've been feeling lonely, because I feel like my best friend has been taken away from me...granted it was by his choice. Nonetheless, I do feel at times my divorce has taken away everything.









With my EH I could completely be myself. As it turns out though, being myself wasn't good enough for him. It wasn't good enough for someone who had known me for over 20 years. So how will I be good enough for someone I just meet.

To be clear, I like me. I like who I am and I am becoming a person I am proud of, which is a huge accomplishment for me. But I have certain likes, dislikes, and I don't know who will put up with those.

I'm gluten free and vegan. I have to work out at least 6 days a week. I don't have weekends off. I change my hair every other month. I get silly tattoos. I like to shop...a lot. I have 4 dogs that are my life. My family is incredibly important to me. I can be overly critical of my body. I like to have my feet and neck massaged every night. I still believe in Santa Claus and never will stop believing. I'm conservative and will often times voice my opinions. I'm Christian and have a deep faith in God.  I'm not going to apologize for any of these things, but I wonder who out there will take me for me and not expect me to be someone or something else. Obviously my EH did, and in the end I failed at who it was he wanted me to be. And that is not my fault.

So Proud...

Yesterday was my mom's 58th birthday and words cannot express how proud I am of her. She is honestly one of the most inspiring individuals I have met in my life, and not because she is my mom but because of her determination and will to live. From being pronounced brain dead nearly 5 years ago to relearning how to walk, talk and eat, she is truly a shining example of what it is to fight to live.

I was surprised to find out from my mom that my EH had text her a sweet birthday message. Maybe I shouldn't be, but I was. Part of me ached because he hadn't made the same gesture to me on my birthday. Part of me was angry. But as I have learned to do, I let it go.

This week has been one of those crazy weeks, from starting my new position at work to my pup having a seizure and needing to go to the vet, to my younger sister convinced she had mouth cancer and was going to have to have her jaw removed...it was nice to celebrate my mom's birthday and her achievements over the last 58 years, especially those during the last 5. 

Happy Birthday Mommy! I love you to the moon and back.

Grouper...

If you haven't heard of this, it is one of the funniest set ups I have ever been apart of.

My girlfriend told me about Grouper, a website that will set up a blind date for you and someone else based on your FaceBook likes. The catch is, you have to bring two friends and they have to bring two friends.

In essence, it is a triple blind date.

I didn't think I would be set up so quickly, but days after I signed up for this site I was told that I had someone ready to go on a blind date with me.

As the day arrived, I wasn't looking forward to the date. To be honest it would be the first sort of date since the big D. And I wasn't sure I was ready. But in the end I realized the point of this was to meet some new people, and I'm thankful I did.

The guys we met were really nice, funny, and smart. It was refreshing going to a bar and having some substantial guys to talk to.

Grouper even had a challenge for everyone going on a Grouper date in different states to Instagram a photo, and the best photo would win a prize. We spent nearly an hour conducting different poses, and in the end had a picture that was hilarious.

I can't wait for my next triple blind date, and to continue moving forward. Some of these small steps I continue to make, are paving the way for my journey.

I Am...

Connected, Transformed and Cool.

Tonight, I went to Cafe Gratitude with a friend of mine, and if you haven't been I would strongly suggest that you do. It is a vegan/gluten free friendly restaurant that serves some of the most amazing food I have ever had.

And each dish has a name that tends to inspire you. Connected, Transformed and Cool. Names which resonated with me and my current situation.

And after the week I've had it was good to be reminded of these positives and to be grateful for the many wonderful people and things in my life.

This week was a good week. A promotion, a triple blind group date (of which I will tell you about in my next post), and amazing food.

I am grateful for the place I am in my life today, even though it's not where I would choose to be or want to be. I am grateful. I hope wherever my EH is, that he's grateful too.

Balance...

Life is all about balance. Work, family, friends, and doing things for you.

The other day I was driving to work, and I realized for the first time I'm balancing all these aspects quite nicely.

Sure I wish I could work a little less, see some of my friends a little more, and have a little more time for myself. But realistically I need the money. Money to go to dinner with friends, money to go skydiving, and thankfully I have a job I love going to which affords me these moments.

When the scale begins to tip too much in one direction, I know it will be time for me to reevaluate what's important to me and how I can preserve that. But for now, I'm happy with the way things are. And I hope to spread that happiness to others.

His Turn...

Everything is finalized with my EH...well everything except for my photos he has yet to send me and one of the cars being transferred under his name. 

Prior to me leaving for Canada, he said I had to take care of the car situation. Since I was strapped for time, I called when I came home. Unfortunately, there was nothing I could do. I was kindly informed that my EH had been told he would need to fill out the paperwork and well it was all up to him.

Not sure why he sent the emergency text...but in any case this last week I received an email saying a payment had been received for the car.

It was news to me that the car had yet to be put under his name, since it's been a month and a half since they sent my EH the necessary papers. Also news that surprise surprise he had been late on the payments. 

Well upon getting the email, I forwarded it to my EH. Also reminding him that I need my photos. Not the photos of us...because really what would I do with those. Photos that are just reminders of what no longer is. I don't mind seeing photos of us as children...but sometimes the photos of us as a couple, those get to me.

Sort of like seeing home videos. They are just moments in time that are no longer. Promises never kept.

But photos of my family, my pups, everything else that means so much to me. 

I took care of everything on my end. Now it's his turn.