According To Me...

We are one month into the new year and in two weeks I will be celebrating the anniversary of my freedom. I say freedom, not because my EH had me shackled living in a basement. I say freedom, because although I have gone through the worst heart break I could ever imagine this past year, I have also experienced life in a whole new exciting way.

I do have lingering shock, denial, sadness, love, anger, resentment, pretty much all the emotions one feels when rejected by someone they love. But overall, I have gained my freedom. To live life according to me, and only me.

Just As I Am...

I am so ridiculously happy in  my life right now. So content with me. I kept going back and forth with thinking about dating, not dating, etc. when I realized I don't have to worry about it. It will happen when it happens.

I started reading Life Without Limits by Nick Vujicic and the purpose of his book is to help the reader live a ridiculously happy life. Everything he writes, is everything I have been saying this past year. I can't say that if I had picked up his book a year ago, that I would have understood his message. I believe that I fell upon his book when I did, because I could actually read and understand what he has to say and at the same time relate it to what I have been saying.

In the end it's about being positive even if being positive doesn't seem possible. Being happy, when being happy doesn't seem possible. Because over time, you actually start to feel happy.

Take me for example, at times when people would ask me how I was doing, I would say that I was doing good. Even if I didn't feel it. Did they know I was faking it…probably. Did they think the smile I plastered on my face was a fake one…pretty likely.

But today, today they look at me and they see someone who is ridiculously happy. Someone living in the moment. I had a friend from high school, who I have known for 14 years, tell me the other night that she has never seen me this happy, or this present. It was such a compliment, because I didn't ask her, she offered this insight with no prompting.

And the truth is I am ridiculously happy. Why? Because I am happy with who I am and what I am doing.

Have a had some bumps along the way…hell yes. Just the other day I got a speeding ticket for going 75mph in a 65 zone. I took it as a sign to slow down. And slow down I have.

Did I get passed up for a promotion at work? Yes, but I look at is at time to grow and an opportunity to show my bosses just what I can do and how much I can do.

Am I single? Has it been almost a year since I've been on a real date? Yes. But I'm okay with that. Because to be honest, I am happy with being with just me at the time being. And when the time is right, I believe I will meet someone who will be worth my time to date.

In truth these are all things I don't have to worry about. Because worrying about them will do nothing for me. Instead I can continue to focus on being the best me possible and loving me. Just as I am.

Home...

I was sitting at a Starbucks…which by the way if you asked me months I ago, I would have told you you would never catch me at a Starbucks. See, on 3 separate occasions I got hair in my Starbucks' drinks. I felt it was a sign. Now, not so much. Their very berry hibiscus keeps me coming back for more. Which I am grateful for.

For at that moment, I saw an old man reading his magazine holding off going to his "home." Not a home that you or I know, but a home meant for only older people, whose families can't take care of them any more. I know he's procrastinating, because he started talking to a worker, and being someone who likes to people watch and yes, eavesdrop, I learned this dear old man, just couldn't handle the thought of going back to his "home."

I couldn't help but feel bonded with this man. I too know what it was like to not want to go to a place that didn't feel like home. A place where your loved one wasn't near. It's hard to consider it your home, when it feels anything but.

It seems though in those moments, there's always someone or something to carry you through. For this man, his little companion did just that for him.  A dog, who could only show him affection and love.

In time, I was able to feel home again. And I hope one day soon, this little old man feels home again. If only with his little dog.

Kicking A**...

I would love to share with all of you an exercise I've been doing with a friend. If you want, you can take this exercise pass it along and/or do it yourself. I have more content with myself and life ever since starting this, and my hope is maybe you will too.

What is the exercise you ask....here it goes:

Every night we email each other 3 things we did that day for our health, something we are going to do the following day for our health and something we love about our body/self.

So much of our thoughts can be focused on negative energy especially when it comes to ourselves. Wanting to look a certain way, not appreciating our bodies and being overall critical of the way we look.

Turning negative thoughts into positive thoughts are not easy. But it's a great habit to start forming. Some nights I sit and stare at my email trying to think of something I like about myself. But when I acknowledge something I do like, I feel immediate happiness.

Here are a few things I've emailed. I thought I would share them with you, and spread the happiness. And when I said few, I meant here's almost everything...

I ran 8.65miles today and listened to my body and didn't push myself further than necessary today.

I took a nap during the late afternoon and plan on getting 8 hours of sleep tonight.

I took time to read today and exercise my brain. Something I feel is just as important as exercising the body.

I love my short hair. People always ask me when I am going to grow my hair out and honestly I don't know if or when I will. I love how easy it is to style in the morning and I think it shows off my eyes...which I also love.

I think my calves are nice. They are strong and muscular.

I didn't use my phone once while driving.

I drank a lot of water today and kept hydrated.

I love my happy face tattoo made out of my freckles. Every time I see her I smile.

I worked out after work, despite being exhausted from the long day.

I ate a healthy dinner, full of protein and vegetables.

I ate a healthy snack before working out so that I could be at my full potential.

Tomorrow I will not be critical of my thighs. The moment I have a negative thought I will turn it into a positive one.

I like my wrists. I think they are feminine and I don't wear a lot of jewelry on them because I like to show them off : )

I tried a new healthy snack today and it was amazing. Alive and Radiant Veggie Crunch- Sweet Onion. Raw, gluten free and vegan : )

Every time I had a negative thought about my body I turned it into a positive thought.

Tomorrow I will only speak positively about myself and others.

I like my pinkies. I use to have 6 fingers on each hand, an extra finger coming from my pinkies. For a long time I wanted the scars removed, now I realize how unique they make me and the story they tell.

I didn't stop smiling today. My hope was to spread happiness to all who came in my path today.

Tomorrow, I will meditate through any and all stressful moments.

I like my arms. Sometimes I am critical of them but today I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror and decided to be grateful for them and love them.

I woke up ready to work out and realized if I did I wouldn't have given my body the day off it deserved. I got back into bed, slept another hour and then went to get coffee with my friend before heading into work. It was amazing.

When I woke up this morning I prayed to God to help me through the day to help me listen to my body. When it was full and when it needed sustenance. Although I had frozen yogurt in the evening, I felt as far as the day went, I really was in control of my eating.

I had back to back work outs this morning. And it felt amazing. To have back to back work outs on my day off definitely made me smile.

I hung out with friends today. A friend from my Bible Study and girlfriends from the gym. With the girlfriends from the gym we went to Malibu Wines, had, on a whole, healthy snacks and we danced. It felt so nice to not have to be at work, even though I love my job.

Tomorrow I will run 10 miles. And I will be proud of my accomplishment.

I am learning to love my nose. In grade school I was called Pig Nose. I use to have kids snort at me. But what happened in the past has no bearing of how I should feel in the present. And I am learning to do just that.

And there you have it. It really isn't difficult or too time consuming. What it does, it makes you take a look at the positives in your life. It makes you appreciate, or begin to appreciate your body, your self. And it makes you accountable for the goal you set the following day.  2013 is already kicking ASS.

Worth the Wait...

Well ladies and possibly gentlemen, I have learned something very important regarding this dating world that I am now living in; women, girls, whatever you want to call them, are aggressive. I mean, alpha male aggressive.

I have been witness to things I do not wish to see, and yet could not tear my eyes away from. Girls throwing themselves on guys that have said, "No, not gonna happen."

It seems the more a guy says no, the more of a game it becomes for these girls. Actually, I should say more of a challenge.

What strikes me as odd though, is that these guys are actually expecting girls to throw themselves at them. They are no longer approaching the women first. It's baffling, and a little scary to say the least.

Scary because if I'm expected to be one of these women, it ain't gonna happen. I will not, I repeat, WILL NOT, lower my morals or standards. I just won't. And what I've concluded is that any guy worth my time or energy, they won't want a girl to do this.

I am confident there are a few remaining true gentlemen. It may take a little longer to meet them, but that's okay. I'll hold out for those few. They are worth it. Just like I am worth the wait.

9.16 Miles...

Like many I tend to set new goals for myself at the beginning of each year. Actually I ended up accomplishing most of my goals for 2012 before the year ended and then some. Which I am very proud of.

For 2013, I decided to continue to do things that make me happy and to be the best me possible. I think every year, everyone should set this goal for themselves and see where it takes them. For me it has taken me on a journey of completing a half marathon.

I'm not much of a runner. Last year, I started running because I hadn't found a gym as much as the one I loved back at home...the one I go to now. When I moved back home, I simply stopped running because I didn't need to use that as my form of exercise anymore.

Nevertheless, when I started training for this half marathon, I realized how quickly you lose your running skills. I no longer was able to zone out and appreciate the relaxation running can bring you. The most difficult part of relearning to run long distance, is turning off the thoughts in my head. The negative thoughts that say, "you're not good enough, you won't make it." The thoughts that limit your potential. As my training partner has said, the mind can be so limiting. And it's true.

We are so much more capable of doing incredible things in our life, but often times we let our minds dictate what we can and can't do.

And not just with running. With so many aspects of life.

So today I turned off those negative thoughts and I ran 9.16 miles. That's 9.16 miles closer to running a half marathon.

2013...

Happy New Year's everyone!

I was going to reflect on 2012, the ups and downs...how far I've come. But really when I think of 2012, I think of new beginnings, new adventures, and unconditional love. My divorce...doesn't seem as significant as some of these other milestones in my life.

I thought I would also write about my New Year's Eve...how it compared to last year, but in the end it was another night of doing things, and going places I would never had done or gone to. I think the best part of my New Year's was spending time with my beautiful friend, who never ceases to make me laugh and enjoy the moment.

I will say, this New Year's I made sure to have my family with me, in spirit of course. A ring from my older sister, a bracelet from my younger, and a dress from my parents. As I rung in 2013, I had everyone I wanted with me. Including you. I thought about this blog and how it has transformed and how I can't wait to read back one day where I started and where I have ended.

I have a girlfriend who is writing a blog about her travels in Ireland...her semester abroad. In her first post she wrote about finding herself....I think the amazing thing about life is that you are continually finding yourself. Continually blossoming into an even better version of yourself, if you so choose.

The fact is, no one has the answer. We all make mistakes. But in order to grow we have to learn from these mistakes. And 2013 will be just that, another learning experience, with its own ups and downs and incredible adventures.

2012 was great...2013 will be even better.