Deserving...

Sooo...my EH didn't end up making an effort to see me. I made an 800 mile trip and in the end I realized he just does not want me in his life. Even as a friend or as an acquaintance. The sad part is I can't help but feel that I must have been a horrible person to him to be treated this way. Because in all honesty, he treats me as though he hates me. And you don't hate someone unless you have a reason. So all I can come up with is that I must have been an awful wife and an awful friend to him which if that's the case then everything he has done and continues to do, I feel that it must be deserving.

So every time someone tells me how strong or amazing I am, I feel like I am putting on the show of my life. That I am some incredible actress who shows everyone someone I must truly not be. This may all sound weird to you, even writing it sounds strange to me, but these are the feelings I have every day. And I can't shake them. As much as I want to and as much as I tell myself that regardless if I was horrible or not, I could not change my EH only he could change himself, I still feel I am responsible.

There is no doubt in my mind that my EH hates me. And hate is a very strong word. If there were a word stronger than that I might even be using it. I believe with all my heart that he hates every part of me. And any time I've asked him why he hates me, he never responds, not even to say he doesn't.

I have to say though, I had an amazing time on my weekend trip with my girlfriends. We ate, walked around the city, ate some more, laughed and cried. Cried because on the morning we had to leave, I walked to my car only to see someone had smashed into it and didn't leave a note. Just my luck or maybe just a reminder that life doesn't go according to plan.  My Ireland trip will now be put on hold, much like all my other goals I had for my life when I was with my EH. I feel I have shelves full of life goals put on hold, some never to be touched again, others to be looked at on a later date.

Oh, and I almost forgot the most memorable moment of my weekend. I was told by a gentleman (I'm being generous with my wording) that he loved my hair. Of course I said thank you, although I never really know if someone is being serious or condescending when they say that. He then asked if I would get drinks with him and I politely declined. It was this point in the conversation that he asked if he could pull my hair, because he loved it so much...hmmm not sure that's going to happen. As my aunt said I should have said yes but on one condition, if he allowed me to pull something of his. If only I could have come up with a comeback like hers, I'd have loved to see the look on his face!

Well good night readers, may your days be blessed with love, joy and happiness. And may you all never feel the pain that I am feeling. And if you are or have, know that my thoughts are with you and you are not alone.

Rocky Week...

This has definitely been one of my most rockiest weeks. Happy one moment, bawling my eyes out the next. I know it has to do with the fact that I am driving 400 miles to give my EH the car he wants, and then take the one he currently has. I know, I know it sounds crazy that I have to be the one to drive. But I have no energy to argue, to fight or to be bitter. So thankfully I have my friend, KC, coming with me and we are going to make a wonderful road trip out of this situation.

Will I see my EH...right now the answer seems to be yes. A couple days ago I was told he would be too busy. Then I was yelled out for telling him to think twice about that since we haven't seen each other in a month and since I don't know when I'll be up north again. I was yelled at for sounding threatening. I haven't spoken to him in a month, and the first call I get is him telling me that I'm being threatening and that I took the car he wanted in the first place.

The worst part...I still love him. Despite all of this, I  love him. It's like I don't recognize this person he has become and therefore I can't just move on. And really if I could, that would say a lot about our marriage in that it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. So I take my love and want to be with him still, as a good sign. It means we were truly in love and had a meaningful relationship.

I mean, it's not that I don't get mad or angry, because I do. But for the most part I love him and can't imagine my future without him.

In other news, I want to plan a trip to Ireland for this summer. Not just want, I am going to plan a trip to Ireland. I want to get out of the country for a week. And so Ireland it is. Go me ; )

Going out...

Oh where oh where oh where to start...

Well first I would like to say to all of you who are married or in a relationship and feeling in sort of a rut, the grass really isn't greener on the other side. Trust me, I'm on the other side and for the most part this grass is brown.

Let me explain. For the last two weekends I've had the wonderful opportunity to go out and see what the single life is like and what is in my future. And from what I can gather, it's worse than I thought.

I was in no way prepared for the grabbing, the horrible pickup lines, and the all out desperation.

Let me paint a picture for you. My two girlfriends. KC and PL, and I headed to a bar after having been at a birthday party.  After getting to the bar, KC and I headed to the restroom, only to overhear a woman tell her friends that she wasn't wearing any panties with her dress. WHAT?!?! I guess she decided that if Britney Spears can do it, she can to.

KC and I left the bathroom only to have an older gentleman keep grabbing at her. At which point I had to step in a tell him to stop touching her. He didn't like that. Apparently he, and many other guys, never learned to keep their hands to themselves and feel it is their right to grab any woman that walks past them.

 So after having our ears assaulted and me already getting into a confrontation, we decided to head outside. But as it is in these places, you really have nowhere to go to escape the creepiness. After sitting down and being leered at by men around us, I decided it would be funny to imitate these charming gentlemen. This was a mistake. It brought more attention to us. And with my bright red coat on, it brought attention from a man with possibly the worst pickup line ever.

"You know there is an Arabic saying that when a man sees his lover in red, he must charge at her like a bull." Ummmmm...was this guy serious? Let's break this down for a second. First, I'm not sure when in the 0.5 seconds this guy saw me, that I became his lover. Second, I'm pretty sure I don't want to be charged at like a bull, ever. Seriously, we have all seen what it looks like when a bull charges after someone and the pain that ensues if that person is caught with a horn up their...well you get the idea. I'm not sure what this guy expected me to do or say, but me leaving sure wasn't it. Later on I saw that same guy with a much older woman...she was wearing a red dress and for a second I wasn't sure if I should be relieved or offended. Relief...definite relief.

Needless to say the night ended with KC and I having a friend pick us up. Which was by far the nicest thing a guy had done for us that night.

My other night out...more of the same. Guys grabbing at me, drinks being spilled, and guys with bad pickup lines. Apparently everyone male in Santa Monica works for a talent agency...sorry guys that isn't a turn on and no it will not make me want to sleep with you. But by far the best thing of that evening was KC and I overhearing a guy tell his buddy that he had just farted and he thought maybe a little poop had come out....not even kidding. And I wish I were.

So for all you married women and men out there, for all of you in a relationship, please take a moment and thank your significant other for their love and support. And if you ever feel the grass is greener on the other side, it's not. You just need to water your own grass. That's all.

The Golden Rule...

Do unto others as you would have them do to you. Let this be known to all of those who are breaking up or divorcing their significant other. It is not necessary to be unkind, especially if you are the one leaving.

I try so hard to remain loving and supportive of my EH, and not because I have to but because I choose to. I have seen what bitterness and anger can do to someone. And how that can grow into a horrible monster over the years, destroying every relationship in sight. And I don't want that. So I choose to be loving and supportive and to look at our time together and be thankful.

But it is so hard sometimes to not want to scream out of frustration and anger towards my EH. When you are married, you share  many financial responsibilities and when you separate or divorce that responsibility doesn't go away.

So, if any of you out there are leaving someone and they kindly text you, "Have you paid the car payment? I hope you have a splendid day!" and you don't respond and then you get a reminder text the next day , "Hey, just making sure everything was paid for the car. Hope you have a good day!" DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT ignore those texts and send one back a day later saying, "Do you know where my birth certificate is?' Which yes is important. But 1. I have not been living in the same space for over a month and 2. YOU STILL HAVE NOT RESPONDED TO MY TEXT ABOUT THE CAR PAYMENT AND NOW YOU WANT A RESPONSE TO YOURS?!?!?! And yes that is all caps because in my head I am screaming those words....of course, being me I responded kindly and truthfully. And I also artfully tact on my frustration with being disrespected over and over. After 26 years of friendship, I should at least be treated kindly. But I guess it's really not in him anymore. Because even after all of that all I got was "it's paid."

So I will continue to do unto others as I would like them do to me. And I recommend everyone start living their lives that way, especially my EH.

Nachos...

If you want to know what a perfectly comforting breakup or divorce food is, the answer is nachos. Prior to being told my EH wanted a divorce, I had been on a nacho craze. And since being told my EH wants a divorce, I have grown to realize the importance nachos are playing in my life. Especially these vegan nachos I have been introduced to. Not only do I get to emotional eat, but I don't even have to feel that bad after I've eaten them. The combination of tortilla chip, cheese, tomatoes, onions, avocado and beans is absolutely what I need in times of despair. And if I want to go all out, I can get the most fattening plate of nachos and know that it will all work out for me in the end. But the most important thing I have learned from nachos are the following:

N- Nothing else really matters in your life while eating them
A- Almost all of the food pyramid is on one plate
C- Crunchy tortilla chips are incredible
H- Hot sauce, no hot sauce, either way you're good to go
O- Oh so delicious, every single bite
S- Stop thinking, just eat

Now emotional eating isn't always the best or recommended but if you are going to allow yourself to indulge, which everyone should do from time to time, do it with nachos. And if you don't know where to go to get amazing nachos, message me. I know some fabulous places in Northern and Southern California.

Relationships...

Sometimes people come into your life and an in instant you feel connected to them. It's like you've always known them. And there is a love for them you can't explain.

It's weird. When my EH and I first started dating, I knew I loved him, because I had always loved him. I have loved him as a friend, as my boyfriend, as my fiancee, and as my husband. I will never not love him. He will forever hold a place in my heart.

Since my EH decided to file for divorce, I didn't know if it would be possibly to be able to love so freely. To know that someone can come in your life and make such a huge impact, and in an instant no longer be present. I didn't know if I would want to go through waves of loving and losing. But I've realized that you never really lose anyone, especially if you make room for them in your heart and keep them there. Regardless if they are present or not.  So I've let myself be open to the possibility of loving freely again. And once I did, I met two people whom I have felt so connected to. Their humor, their intelligence, their spirit have snuck their way into my heart, and I know I will keep them there forever.

I can't help but be happy and thankful that they have come into my life. And I wonder has anyone come into my EH's life that has made him so thankful to be alive and living?

We had a conversation yesterday, my EH and I, and all I could think was how important he has been to me. What he brought to my life...what is currently missing. Tears came pouring down, but at the same time I realized what new things have come into my life since having to move back to my parents and away from my EH, and I could not help but appreciate these new loves. For these individuals who challenge me and encourage me and who are serving an important purpose in my life at this moment.

I hurt for my EH, because I know he is going through so much turmoil. For someone to choose the path that he has chosen, I know he must not be fulfilled with himself. And until he can be happy with himself and love himself, he will never have a truly successful relationship, friendship or otherwise.

Just smile...

I go in waves...and I suppose many of you who have experienced what I am going through would say the same thing...I go in waves of happiness and then complete sadness. And not necessarily sadness over the situation as much as I am sad that I am not sharing my life with my EH. I miss him so much, not just as a husband, but as a friend. He was my best friend. And some part of me thought that since he was doing this to me, he'd at least try to be friendly with me. But it doesn't seem to be the case. He won't talk to me...it's been almost a month since I last saw him and right now I'm missing his smile, his laugh, but most of all his friendship. I have amazing friends and I'm making new ones every day. And I'm not just talking about Ben and Jerry's, who by the way are ALWAYS there when you need them. It's just that every moment I share with my friends, some part of me is longing to share it with my EH.

Right now, I wish I could just talk to my EH. See how his life is going. Isn't that weird? In one moment he decided to no longer share a life with me, it's his life. I have my life, he has his, and we no longer have a life together. Well maybe one day we will be friends again, but I don't need to worry about one day, today I need to focus on what is happening now, and right now I need to work on being happy and loving myself.

In all of this there is good news. What once would make me cry, no longer brings me to that point. I cry a lot less these days because to be honest, who wants to see someone crying all day long every day. I know I wouldn't want to see that. So when I start to get sad, I smile. When I cry, I cry for a minute, then I put on a smile. When I get angry, I put on a smile. And I suppose one day I won't even have to think about smiling, it will all come naturally. And to those of you out there feeling sad or depressed. I suggest to you putting on a smile. Just that simple act can actually make you feel a little better.

50 lbs....

As I mentioned in a previous post, one of my first thoughts after hearing my EH wanted a divorce, was that it must have to do with me cutting my hair short. My second thought, was that I was glad I lost 50 lbs over the last couple years. That way if I had to get back into the dating scene it would be A LOT easier.

I've thought about this over the last couple weeks, and to be honest I would take those 50 lbs back if it meant that my EH and I could be together. But that's not the case.

Growing up I was never big. I was an active child. Even through out high school, I wasn't heavy. I put on weight my first year dating my EH. And when I say I put on weight, I mean I put on 40 lbs in one year. That's what happens when you are in love and you start finding new places to eat, and when someone loves you for you and not for what you look like. Even at my heaviest, I never looked the weight I was. And I was 166 pounds. At 5'3" that is considered overweight, but again I managed to hide my weight pretty well. You can ask my friends and family, and they will tell you I didn't look that heavy. They will look at pictures and say well you were wearing a baggy shirt. You didn't look THAT big. Regardless I was unhealthy. I was unhealthy because I did not exercise and I ate too many calories.

I decided two and a half years ago, I would start exercising little by little and start adding better foods to my eating habits and taking out bad foods. I had no goal weight in mind and I decided if I stayed at the weight I was, that was fine because at least I was living a healthier lifestyle. For months I did not loose weight, and then I joined an incredible private gym, started weight training, and the weight started coming off. And it's, for the most part, stayed off. I love being able to walk up stairs and not be out of breath. I like to be able to chase my niece around and my dogs around. I like the friendships I have made at the gym. Friends who are helping me through this difficult time. Who hug me when I break down in the middle of a class. Who lift me up and encourage me to move forward.

But being 50 lbs lighters has not made me a happy person. My weight does not and should not define me or what makes me happy. I am happy because I choose to be happy. Someone at the gym told me the other day, pain is inevitable suffering is optional. And although I am experiencing a great deal of pain on a day to day basis. I am choosing not to suffer but rather to be happy.

And as for the dating scene, I really don't need to worry about that right now. I don't really need to worry about the future or past. I only have to focus on the present. And what I know right now is that today will be a good day, because I am choosing to make it a good day. 

Anniversary...

I meant to post this yesterday, but I never got around to it. Actually I think it's pretty amazing that I can say my day was full of love, laughter and happiness despite it being a day I wanted to crawl into bed and not do anything.

February 29, 2008 my EH and I exchanged vows; promises of being with each other in good times and in bad, through sickness and in health, for richer for poorer....well you get the idea. Yesterday was our first REAL anniversary, but really it was to be a celebration of 4 years of a wonderful marriage and friendship.

When my EH and I got married, my mom was in the hospital. We married in a courthouse, which at times felt like another I Love Lucy moment. As we were signing documents, the clerk informed us someone would be out to officiate our wedding. Not even kidding when I say that same lady stood up, walked over to some hanging robes, put one on, walked around the corner and introduced herself as our officiator. If anyone has seen I Love Lucy, you may remember the episode in which the Ricardo's are pulled over and the police officer is not only an officer he is also the judge and everything else you could imagine. All he has to do is switch hats and he takes on a new role. Well, she put on a robe and all of a sudden she was no longer a clerk, she was an officiator. I laughed so hard. Marrying my EH was by far one of the best days of my life. I married my best friend and soul mate. Not everyone can be so lucky. 

We never celebrated with friends or family, the timing just wasn't right. But we decided that on our first REAL anniversary we would have a huge reception...I was looking forward to yesterday, celebrating the marriage of my EH and I. But it didn't happen that way and I thought I wouldn't be able to make it through the day. But I did.

I made sure my day was as eventful as I could make it. I worked out. I helped a friend in need. I ate lunch with another friend, who I hadn't seen in ages. I got two tattoos, well because why not? And then I ended my day having dinner with one of my most inspiring friends, who I've known almost as long as I've known my EH : )

I texted my EH several times through out the day with words of encouragement, love and support. Some of you may wonder why I would text someone who doesn't text me back. But as my therapist and I discussed, I can't stop being me. I haven't changed who I am. He's changed, but that shouldn't stop me from doing things I have always done. I did receive a text later in the evening from him. He said he was working and that he wish he could express more. Even if I had not heard from him, my day would have been incredible just the way it was...but reading his few words on our first REAL anniversary made me smile just a little bigger.

Happy Would Be Anniversary EH! Thank you for all the wonderful memories. I thank God He brought you into my life when He did and how He did. And that is what I will take away from all of this. When I get angry or sad...I'll remind myself to be more thankful than anything else. And every Leap Day, I will think of you and know that although it didn't last, it was worth every minute being your wife.