The one that got away...

There are so many things that I miss. Not having my EH to greet me when I get home after a long day of work. The dinners he would make. Sleeping in on a rare day off for the two of us. Watching our favorite tv shows late into the night.

I miss the sweet little kisses to my forehead, the incredible bear hugs, and the way he would smile at me as though I was the only one in the world who mattered to him.

I miss hearing him laugh at my horrible jokes, the way he would dance around the apartment, and hearing him sing his Frank Sinatra songs. He has an amazing voice.

I miss his I love yous, I miss yous, and I can't wait to see yous.

Sometimes I close my eyes and all I see is my life with him. I imagine a world in which we are happily in love and our story remains the greatest love story of all time.

Although she may have gotten it wrong in her Part of Me song, Katy Perry's The One That Got Away definitely brings me to tears as I realize in another life I would be his girl, and we'd keep all our promises, be us against the world. In another life I would make him stay, so I don't have to say he was the one that got away. But I do. He will always be the one that got away.

And I miss him; I always will.

Few Updates...

It's been a busy week...and I definitely needed time to reflect on why my EH has left me. Let me tell you it's not easy hearing that you were partly responsible for pushing someone to their limits. I say partly, because I do feel that my EH could have addressed this sooner and that we could have possibly worked on our relationship rather than him just up and opting out of it one day.

He did, however,  happen to text my Dad for Father's Day, wishing him a Happy Father's Day and a belated Happy Mother's Day/Get Well for my mom. It was the first time he made contact with my parents through out this whole ordeal. He even said he missed them. It kind of hurt knowing he misses them but when it comes to me, he doesn't. But that's the way it is, and there's nothing I can do to change it. All I can do is work on who I am today and how I want to be going forward.

Anyways as for my updates...first the Sparkletts salesman called the office I worked at wanting to know why the cute girl he met hadn't called him. Thankfully I wasn't there, but my co-worker who happened to answer informed him that she wasn't the cute girl and that it was inappropriate for him to call. Hopefully that will be the end of that.

Secondly, I wasn't at the office because...drum roll please...I was promoted at my other job which has enabled me to have only one, that's right one, job. I'm so excited and can't wait to start my new position, which will be this Sunday. So good luck to me! High five, high five : )

Thirdly, I went to Cars Land with my sister, brother in law, and niece. It was by far one of my best days since the big D. If I could show you the video my brother in law made, I would. Instead I will have to settle with just being able to  share with you this Cars Land photo.

So if you were thinking about going but weren't too sure, the answer is yes. You need to take a trip to Cars Land at California Adventure and then of course head over to Disneyland. Because there is nothing more magical than walking down Main Street. Every time I go to Disneyland, my heart is filled with joy.

I was nervous about going, because my EH and I LOVED going to Disneyland. We had annual passes and sometimes we would just go for dinner or we would sit on this stoop and eat ice cream and people watch for hours. I visited the stoop (pictured below) and reminisced on all the amazing memories we shared there together. It was our very own special spot in Disneyland and seeing it made me realize how lucky I am to have had a love as great as I did with him. That my friends is why I will never be bitter or angry. It is why I will want the best for him. It is why I will honor his wishes and remove myself from his life. I love him that much.

As for my vegan lifestyle...it is going wonderfully! It is definitely a challenge to eat Vegan and Gluten Free, but I am managing it. One of these days I will start posting recipes, pictures, and places to visit if you are curious about what to eat, where to eat, and how to eat like me : )

Real Reason...

So, after 4 months, I finally got my real reason of why my EH has left. He told me tonight he was tired of how I treated him and he broke. He couldn't take it anymore. He also asked that I no longer contact him or his family. Not quite in those words, but definitely to that affect.


I have a lot to work on. I've always known I was a difficult person to be married to, but now that I have confirmation that this is why he left, I definitely feel like I have put this all on myself. If I had been as loving and understanding as him for the last 7 years, we wouldn't be here.

This doesn't excuse his poor behavior after the break, because in all honesty it wasn't necessary. But I get why he left. And it hurts. I can't seem to stop crying over this loss. A loss of someone I care so deeply for. He indicated he doesn't even miss me. And that is a true testament to how awful being with me must have been.

I thanked him for being an amazing friend, boyfriend and husband. For being there during my mom' s thing. And for showing me the type of person I want to have by my side. I truly hope he finds someone amazing. Someone to make him smile, to laugh, and to feel loved. If only I had been a little wiser, a little more mature, I could have been that person.

Sparkletts...

Okay, let me start off by saying this post may just end up being another one of those guess you had to be there moments, so hopefully I can describe to all of you the disaster that I was faced with yesterday. And by disaster, I mean the 40 something year old Sparkletts salesman that hit on me while at work.

There I was, by myself, working at one of my jobs, when in walked this Sparkletts salesman there to see my boss. I let him know that he wasn't there but that I could take a message. So I did. He wanted to let my boss know that a buddy of theirs was retiring. If that hadn't revealed his age, the greying hair and visor he wore were pretty much a dead giveaway.

He asked me my story. Right away I knew this wasn't going in the direction I had wanted, which was him leaving. I told him briefly that I was in the midst of a divorce and living with my parents. Bad mistake...never engage. I thought the divorce would make him back off; he took it as an invitation.

Sparkletts man: You're cute...like you're cute.
Me: Oh thank you, that's nice.
SM: Doesn't it make you feel good to know that men still find you desirable and that we want you?

(HUH?!?!?!) 

Me: Ya I guess so...
SM: I call it like it is, you're cute. I'm just saying. I dig the pink  hair.
Me: (nervous WTF laugh) well I do like to change my hair...
SM: That's hot, that's really hot. It would be like dating a different girl, with every new hair color.
Me: Ya, I guess??
SM: So what do you do for fun?
Me: Well, I work two jobs, so I don't have time to do much, except for working out.
SM: Ya I noticed that. I noticed when I first saw you, you have a great shape.

(Mind you I was wearing a boxy sweater....and I was sitting behind a desk.) 

Me: Oh well thank you.
SM: But like for fun, what do you do?  A girl's gotta have fun. I can buy you drinks, we can go to dinner, maybe breakfast...
Me: Well I don't think I'm ready to date quite yet.
SM: I'm not asking to go to bed with you...I mean in a couple weeks I'd be expecting that. But like, not now.
Me: (nervous WTF laugh)

(SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! Did he think this was going to win me over?!?!?!)

SM: Do you like to dance?
Me: Sure, I'm not the best dancer, but I like to, it's fun.
SM: I mean I'm a pretty good dancer for a white guy. Shiiiiiiit I learned my moves from Soul Train.

(Soul Train...another clue to how old he was and if he thought I was going to be riding his soul train, he was going to be disappointed.)

Me: Oh well that's fun.
(Phone rings, thank you God)
SM: Saved by the phone, you are probably like OMG (yes he said O-M-G) who is this guy talking to me. Go ahead you can answer the phone.
Me: (nervous laugh, answer phone)

(I was hoping he'd leave, but I was wrong.)

SM: So like what is it going to take for you to go out with me. Like what do I have to do?
Me: ....
SM: I live in Ventura right on the beach.
Me: Oh that's nice.
SM: I mean I live in a studio, so when you come over I don't want you expecting much.
Me: ....
SM: So really what is it going to take?
Me: Well I just don't know if I'm ready right now.

(Phone Rings. He doesn't leave.)

SM: So here's my number. I put my name on there. My mom always said you can tell if a girl likes you, because they ask your name. I know your name because you answered the phone and said it, but you didn't ask my name.
Me: You already gave it to me when I wrote down your message for my boss. Soooo....
SM: Well, don't make me come back and have to ask your boss why you didn't call.
Me: Like I said, don't be offended when I don't call, I'm just not ready.
SM: Don't worry I wouldn't tell (motioning to my boss' door) when something happens between us. I keep that stuff very private.
Me: Good to know I guess...
SM: So I'll be waiting for your call. It was nice meeting you. And like I said you're really cute and I call like it like it is and I'd like to take you out.
Me: Yup, nice meeting you too.

That my friends was the disaster I was faced with yesterday. A disaster in the form of a Sparkletts salesman. I couldn't make it up if I tried. It can only get better right???? I really hope so.

Great News...

My mom went into surgery yesterday and given her history with hospitals, I inevitably had anxiety leading up to her procedure. I had let my EH know she would be going in. I felt that he would want to know about it, seeing as though she named him all those years ago and well, for a while there, she was his mother in law.

I figured he would call her, wish her good luck, you know do the honorable thing and be selfless and think of someone other than himself. Well, it seems as though he just couldn't do it. I truly believe that act was very cowardly. And cowards don't sit well in my book. He was never like that when we were together, so whoever has influenced him or whatever his thinking process is these days, isn't that of someone I would have ever married. It's one thing for him to be that way towards with me, but with my family, I give him no leeway.

I'm disappointed, disgusted, and saddened that one amazing individual has turned into someone I do not even recognize. Maybe one day he will snap out of it. I hope for his sake and for the sake of this world, as the person I knew was bound to do great things.

But moving on to my mom....before she left she gave me a tearjerker of a speech. She told me that if something weird happened during the surgery and if she didn't wake up she wanted me to know she has always been and will always be behind me. She didn't even need to say those words, because if there is one thing I know to be true, is that my family, especially my mom and dad, have always been behind me pushing me forward, lending support, and cheer leading me on to be the best that I can be.

My mom made it out of surgery, just like I knew she would, and I have to say she may be the best patient I have ever seen. Even with all the pain she is in, she doesn't complain. She has been through more challenging situations, that is for sure, but it never ceases to amaze me how tough she is and how determined she is in life. So that was my great news of the day. There will be other great news for me to share with all of you in the near near future, so until then I wish all of you a beautiful day!

Change...

I like to think that with change, I am able to grow and learn more about myself. And when put in uncomfortable surroundings and/or situations, I have the ability to thrive. It's why I continually challenge myself; accept promotions I may not have all the qualifications for, move to a new town, and more frequently dye my hair.

If you know me, you know my hair changes with each season. As I've mentioned in earlier posts, I have no attachment to my hair and I like to try new things. Well, it's just about summer time which meant I was ready for something new...something really new. I went to my amazing hairstylist on Friday and had asked for platinum with lavender...I've been platinum but never with colored highlights.

Well, instead of highlights of lavender I am completely lavender. My hairstylist thought I meant to dye my red hair platinum then put a lavender wash throughout. Now seeing your hair completely lavender, when expecting platinum may have freaked some out, but to me it was chance to smile and see what new adventures may come out of this new hair style.

And so far the reaction has been overwhelmingly positive. I've had complete strangers, women and men of all ages, tell me my hair makes them smile, makes them happy and/or that it's nice to see someone who doesn't take them self so seriously.

I wonder what my EH would say if he saw it. I hope it would make him smile one of his amazing smiles, and laugh just a little louder. And if didn't, well then that would be his loss, because life is so much better when you are smiling and laughing. And the fact that I can do that for complete strangers, well I just have to say this has been one amazing change.