God Made Me Do It...but if things hadn't ended the way they did last night this title may have read California Bear S**T
If you were to look at a film of my life this past week, you would have thought I had gone off the deep end last night. Especially if you didn't know the reasoning behind why I ended up where I did.
From finding out my EH has a girlfriend to then actually receiving the divorce papers. Yes, he finally sent them, and no I am not relieved. It was even more heartbreaking than when I found out about the new girlfriend. To ending up at a dive bar by my house, getting hit on by the only old men in the bar, I, from an outsiders point of view, would have appeared to have lost my mind.
Thankfully, I went with my married, mother of one, older sister, so that I would know I hadn't completely lost it.
The two of us, who are not ones to go out especially past 10pm, went to a local bar to support our friends who were there to perform. Walking in to the bar, we realized how old we were, and how our lives could have taken a bad turn if we hadn't had our heads screwed on straight.
So many wrong things in that bar. Girls wearing clothes they shouldn't be wearing, grinding to songs they shouldn't be grinding to, young guys drinking too much, grabbing things they shouldn't be grabbing and let's not forget the handful of old men who I seem to attract the moment I stepped into the establishment. And when I say old, I mean old. Like a moth to a flame, I'm telling you.
I'm guessing somehow they sense I can relate to their sad lives in that I too am going through a divorce and therefore puts me in the same class as them. But I have to yet to lower my standards to the point of desperation. Their interest does not flatter me and does not impress me. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than ever, and I mean ever, go out with one of these men.
Thankfully at around 12:30am, our friends went on stage and killed it. The other rappers who performed that evening...oh you mean I didn't mention we were watching amateur rappers all night?...were nowhere near the talent level or entertainment level as our friends. Seeing The League perform definitely made the uncomfortable surroundings and advancements worth it.
And I even got a free CD from a random guy...God Made Me Do It...I could have ended up with the California Bear S**T CD, so I consider myself pretty lucky.
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Superglue this s**t...
The inevitable has happened. And in an instant I have seen all the pieces I had begun to put together come crashing down. I suppose if you were to look at my heart right now, it would look like a broken glass, with shards all over the place; its only hope superglue.
The good news is my response time of picking up these pieces has been much quicker than it was last time it broke.
And what, pray tell you, has happened in my life that I have resorted to being this dramatic. Well folks, I have seen photos of my EH with his new girlfriend.
She is darling. Perfect height for him.
If you didn't know, which why would you, my EH is 6'4" and unfortunately I am 5'3". I always desired to be taller, and his girlfriend is the perfect height.
And did I mention how cute she is. She definitely doesn't have purple hair or a pixie cut. She doesn't have freckles or short legs. What she does have, I could only hope to possess. She has my EH and that, more than anything, hurts.
I knew this day would come and weirdly enough months ago I had a dream in which this situation played out. But no matter how many times I prepared myself, I could not have prepared for the overwhelming emotions I am dealing with right now.
So, it's time to bring out the superglue and glue this s**t back together. If any of you happen to come across a missing piece of my heart, do me a favor, dust it off and send it my way. Love to you all, even my EH and his new girlfriend.
The good news is my response time of picking up these pieces has been much quicker than it was last time it broke.
And what, pray tell you, has happened in my life that I have resorted to being this dramatic. Well folks, I have seen photos of my EH with his new girlfriend.
She is darling. Perfect height for him.
If you didn't know, which why would you, my EH is 6'4" and unfortunately I am 5'3". I always desired to be taller, and his girlfriend is the perfect height.
And did I mention how cute she is. She definitely doesn't have purple hair or a pixie cut. She doesn't have freckles or short legs. What she does have, I could only hope to possess. She has my EH and that, more than anything, hurts.
I knew this day would come and weirdly enough months ago I had a dream in which this situation played out. But no matter how many times I prepared myself, I could not have prepared for the overwhelming emotions I am dealing with right now.
So, it's time to bring out the superglue and glue this s**t back together. If any of you happen to come across a missing piece of my heart, do me a favor, dust it off and send it my way. Love to you all, even my EH and his new girlfriend.
Monday, July 23, 2012
3 weeks...
3 weeks...3 weeks and I'll be on vacation. The first vacation in many, many years. My EH and I never took a vacation together. Never had the chance to sit back and relax. Instead for the 7 years we were together, we worked, went to school, and worked some more. To say we were stressed and in need of a vacation would be an understatement.
I think one of the best things for a couple to do is to get away and just enjoy each other.
Well, instead of going with my EH, I'll be going with my family. And I cannot wait. I think this is just what I need. Two weeks, by a lake, with nowhere to be; just time to reflect and enjoy life.
I think one of the best things for a couple to do is to get away and just enjoy each other.
Well, instead of going with my EH, I'll be going with my family. And I cannot wait. I think this is just what I need. Two weeks, by a lake, with nowhere to be; just time to reflect and enjoy life.
Monday, July 16, 2012
Want, No, Need...
I've been meaning to post this sooner, but it seems every time I try to put it into words it just doesn't come out like I want it to. Then something happens and I'm struck with the same thought and I tell myself, this time, this time it needs to be posted.
Someone asked me how I was doing and to be honest I was feeling morose. She asked what I needed to lift my spirits...a girls night out, a movie date, some amazing food. If only those things could help lift this cloud that has settled on my heart, I would have gladly taken her up on her offer. But all I could say was, "I want my husband."
You see, sometimes it's as simple and difficult as that. She looked at me and said, "I know."
I want...no I take that back...I need my husband right now. I need him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I needed him when I found out this week that my neighbor died in a freak airplane accident and when I accidentally tore my finger apart with a hand held blender. I needed him after going to a friend's wedding shower to celebrate our love.
Instead I'm left with sadness; sadness over a death, sadness of the end of my marriage, and let's not forget sadness over my mangled finger...
Someone asked me how I was doing and to be honest I was feeling morose. She asked what I needed to lift my spirits...a girls night out, a movie date, some amazing food. If only those things could help lift this cloud that has settled on my heart, I would have gladly taken her up on her offer. But all I could say was, "I want my husband."
You see, sometimes it's as simple and difficult as that. She looked at me and said, "I know."
I want...no I take that back...I need my husband right now. I need him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. I needed him when I found out this week that my neighbor died in a freak airplane accident and when I accidentally tore my finger apart with a hand held blender. I needed him after going to a friend's wedding shower to celebrate our love.
Instead I'm left with sadness; sadness over a death, sadness of the end of my marriage, and let's not forget sadness over my mangled finger...
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Mine...
It is amazing how something such as a song can bring on a flood of memories. And my apologies if I keep using songs on my blogs...but there is something about music that connects with your soul and when it comes on there is no stopping the flood of emotions and images that are to follow.
If you know me, you know I work out probably 6-7 times a week. And it's not because I love to work out. Granted, I love seeing my friends at the gym and I love my trainer, but it's the boost of endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine that makes me feel normal through out the day.
Years ago I had my neurotransmitters tested and the results showed that my body did not produce enough serotonin and dopamine... it may be why for so many years I felt depressed. However, with exercise and eating healthy that all changed. I finally felt better. And it is for that reason that I go to the gym 6-7 days a week even if I don't feel like it. I know after, I'll feel like the real me or as close to the real me as I can feel.
So today, while I was kickboxing, all of a sudden Justin Bieber's Baby came on. And as I was singing the song I was struck with images of my EH. We were sitting on our couch in our apartment watching Never Say Never. Now JB was never our favorite artist, but I had seen the movie and decided my EH needed to see it too. And here is why...half way through the movie my EH turned to me and asked, "Is it strange that I love him now?" I remember thinking this why we are together. Because I had the same thought when I first watched the movie. This boy, so full of talent, has an amazing success story, and at the same time appears to be unaffected by the fame.
The songs we use to not want to hear, now became music to my ears and music to my EH's ears. We would blast the songs and sing them loud and proud. Little did I know the lyrics to his Baby song would resonate with the situation I am in today.
And I'm in pieces, baby fix me
And just shake me 'til you wake me from this bad dream
I'm goin' down, down, down, down
And I just can't believe my first love won't be around
I thought my EH would always be mine. And he won't be. He will be somebody else's. I am envious of whoever the lucky lady is that will spend a lifetime with my EH. The memories they will share. The laughter, the love, the kisses, the snuggling...I can't believe my first love won't be around to share them with me. I thought he would always be mine, I was wrong.
If you know me, you know I work out probably 6-7 times a week. And it's not because I love to work out. Granted, I love seeing my friends at the gym and I love my trainer, but it's the boost of endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine that makes me feel normal through out the day.
Years ago I had my neurotransmitters tested and the results showed that my body did not produce enough serotonin and dopamine... it may be why for so many years I felt depressed. However, with exercise and eating healthy that all changed. I finally felt better. And it is for that reason that I go to the gym 6-7 days a week even if I don't feel like it. I know after, I'll feel like the real me or as close to the real me as I can feel.
So today, while I was kickboxing, all of a sudden Justin Bieber's Baby came on. And as I was singing the song I was struck with images of my EH. We were sitting on our couch in our apartment watching Never Say Never. Now JB was never our favorite artist, but I had seen the movie and decided my EH needed to see it too. And here is why...half way through the movie my EH turned to me and asked, "Is it strange that I love him now?" I remember thinking this why we are together. Because I had the same thought when I first watched the movie. This boy, so full of talent, has an amazing success story, and at the same time appears to be unaffected by the fame.
The songs we use to not want to hear, now became music to my ears and music to my EH's ears. We would blast the songs and sing them loud and proud. Little did I know the lyrics to his Baby song would resonate with the situation I am in today.
And I'm in pieces, baby fix me
And just shake me 'til you wake me from this bad dream
I'm goin' down, down, down, down
And I just can't believe my first love won't be around
I thought my EH would always be mine. And he won't be. He will be somebody else's. I am envious of whoever the lucky lady is that will spend a lifetime with my EH. The memories they will share. The laughter, the love, the kisses, the snuggling...I can't believe my first love won't be around to share them with me. I thought he would always be mine, I was wrong.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
Anne...with an E
I recently purchased 25 classic books on my Nook for 99 cents. Classics such as Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, Emma, Jane Eyre, Little Women and many more. But one series caught my attention more than the others. Anne of Green Gables.
I remember watching Anne of Green Gables over and over with my sisters when we were younger. So many life lessons in that particular story that have stayed with me over the years. Lessons of friendship, love, patience, hard work, and determination.
There is something about reading a childhood book that can transport you back in time when heartache and loss did not exist in your life.
I also find that I am learning new lessons, some of which my younger self did not fully take in the first time around.
"If we have friends we should look only for the best in them and give them the best that is in us...Then friendship would be the most beautiful thing in the world."
Reading this line made me realize that when married, I had too much focus on what my EH wasn't doing. I didn't always look for the best in him and give the best of myself. It's important to remember when we are married that our spouse is more than just a husband or wife...they are your best friend and they should be treated as such.
Looking at my parents, I realize they have never lost sight of that fact, which is why they celebrated 36 years of marriage yesterday.
As I read Anne of Green Gables, having gone through trials and tribulations, I find the story has been able to open my heart and eyes to new possibilities.
I remember watching Anne of Green Gables over and over with my sisters when we were younger. So many life lessons in that particular story that have stayed with me over the years. Lessons of friendship, love, patience, hard work, and determination.
There is something about reading a childhood book that can transport you back in time when heartache and loss did not exist in your life.
I also find that I am learning new lessons, some of which my younger self did not fully take in the first time around.
"If we have friends we should look only for the best in them and give them the best that is in us...Then friendship would be the most beautiful thing in the world."
Reading this line made me realize that when married, I had too much focus on what my EH wasn't doing. I didn't always look for the best in him and give the best of myself. It's important to remember when we are married that our spouse is more than just a husband or wife...they are your best friend and they should be treated as such.
Looking at my parents, I realize they have never lost sight of that fact, which is why they celebrated 36 years of marriage yesterday.
As I read Anne of Green Gables, having gone through trials and tribulations, I find the story has been able to open my heart and eyes to new possibilities.
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