Washington, Denmark, and Ireland...Oh My!

My last post I was on my way to Washington, Denmark and Ireland. And just as I suspected, it was incredible. Not only did we get time with Bear's family, we also had time to ourselves.

If I could go back and do it all over again I would.


The moments Bear and I shared, will be some that I will never forget. We made sure to experience everything...we ate all we could, we saw all we could, and we laughed through it all.

I took as many pictures and video as possible and hope to have my Brother in Law make it into a short film, so that I can always go back in time and experience that trip all over again.

Off We Go...

And it's off we go!!

To Washington, Denmark and Ireland that is.

Bear and I have been planning a vacation where we get to see his family and spend time with just the two of us.

We've needed this. Time to ourselves. And after months of planning and saving, it's finally here.

I've been hesitant to do a countdown, knowing that I need to be present at work, but in 3.5 hours I get to let my mind be free and just enjoy every moment I can with Bear.

And to top it all off, his sister just had her first child, today. So our first stop we get to celebrate her new family.

It's going to be incredible. 

Stuck...

A month has come and gone...

I don't know what it is but every day I think about what it is I want to share with all of you and then I realize I'm a little stuck.

Even now as I stare at the keyboard I don't know what to write or say. So much has gone on, but I almost feel all these amazing, wonderful things are happening to the people I love, and yet my life isn't quite moving forward in the direction that I want it to.

I'm not even sure what that direction is, but I know I'm not heading there right now.  I keep putting one foot in front of the other, still working on goals...but I feel stagnant.

I'm working hard, preparing for my big trip to Denmark and Ireland...oh yes it's happening in November.

So I don't know why I feel stuck or stagnant, when so much is happening in my life. But I do.

I'm looking forward to my vacation with Bear, as I think it will help clear my mind and I will be able to refocus on what it is I want/need right now.

Learning To Love...

I'm learning to love the new me.

The healthy, strong, muscular me.

I'm learning to let go of the thin me. The me that came to be because of stress and a divorce.

When I look at pictures of myself during that time, I tend to not think of how much pain I was in. All I see is a beautiful thin person.

I don't look at the pain in her eyes, her broken heart, or constant self criticism of how she failed in her marriage. Instead I look at her skinny arms, no hips, small legs, and flat chest and think, "To be her again."

But what that would mean... well it would mean taking away my happiness.

When I started gaining weight and muscle and filling out, I was angry at myself. I didn't understand why it was happening. My caloric intake hadn't changed. So what was I doing wrong?

And it hit me. Nothing. I am doing nothing wrong. In fact I am doing more right than wrong these days.

I am eating...for the most part...healthy. I am working out. And I am happy.

I'm no longer a stress ball dealing with a broken heart. My body isn't breaking down because of a broken heart.

My body is now healing itself, just as my heart did. And I am learning to love the new me. Not every day is perfect. I still look at the old me and think how nice it would be. But then I remember to be her again...well to be her again would mean I haven't achieved the happiness and balance in my life that I have achieved.

Am I Making It Count?...

5 times I sat down to write about what was going on in my life. And each time I ended up walking away from the computer unable to write was I was feeling.

This last month was a whirlwind, mostly consumed with closing down the project I had been working on all Summer.

Couple that with balancing a relationship with Bear, my family and friends, and I just felt overwhelmed by everything I was feeling. 

And to top it off, I turned 30 yesterday.

It's not that 30 is old. But when I was in my 20s I felt I had all the time in the world to start a family. I wasn't even actually in a rush to get married, that is something EH wanted more than me. When I was in my 20s, I would often think, "Oh I've got 10-15 years before I need to start thinking about that."

When you turn 30 that 10-15 years is now just a mere 5 years. A lot can happen in 5 years, but a lot can not happen in 5 years.

I didn't always make the most out of my 20s, and what I know now is that I need to make every moment, every day count.  At the end of each day I keep wondering if I am really doing that.

And I don't know that I am. But I will continue to try.

Home...

A follow up to my last post. The time I was able to spend with Bear and his family was incredible. I love seeing Bear happy, and since we don't get to spend as much time as we would like with his family, I knew this time would be important to him and to me.

The week, which began with a wedding followed by a baby shower, was full of stories, going through childhood memorabilia, playing games, drinking, eating, and last but not least constant laughter and smiling. In short it was perfect.

Coming home was just as special. I don't know when the change occurred, but at some point our apartment has become our home. The small space Bear and I rent, is now full of love and beautiful memories. I know this is just a pit stop until Bear and I find something permanent, and that wherever we go, as long as we are together, we will be home.

Time...

Bear and I don't get a lot of time together, but we make the most out of the time we do get to spend together.

That's why I am so excited for the week to come and for the weekend we just had.

I cashed in for some vacation days...first to be able to see the CrossFit Games with Bear and second to be able to go to his home town and see his family and go to a wedding.

It's exciting to spend this time with Bear and add to our list of ever growing memories. I can't think of anything I would rather do.

Glimpse Into The Future...

It's been almost a month since I've put up a post. Seems consistency is something I need to add to my list of things to work on.

It's not that life isn't worth talking about, but it seems that everything is going by so quickly that I hardly have time to slow down and appreciate the special moments.

Thankfully, I have time right now to do just that.

This last weekend, my 5 year-old niece, T, slept over. Her very first sleep over with Bear and myself. It was nothing short of perfection.

We had dinner and dessert. Put up a tent in the living room and watched movies. We had so much fun and when it was time to go to bed, Bear and I crawled into the tent with T and off to dreamland we went.

Of course T likes to move around in her sleep. Something that made me smile. Every time she would somehow find me and snuggle in closer. I loved every minute.

And in the morning Bear and T picked up breakfast and let me sleep in. Waking up to them talking gave me a glimpse into what our future could look like one day. And it was beautiful.

Badass & Sexy...

It's obvious I am going through a difficult time, where I am working on figuring out how to balance life and work. But the one constant that I am grateful for, is my relationship.

It is about the only thing that isn't tumultuous right now. In fact, being with Bear and feeling his constant love and support, has given me a break from everything else that seems to be crashing down around me.

What is amazing and an incredible feeling is that he loves me for me.

Recently, and it comes as no big surprise, I changed my hair style and color up again. People always ask me, "How does Bear like it? Is he okay with you changing your hair?"

I always reply with, "Well, ya I think he does. I mean he met me when I had short hair." To which I get, "Oh so he's a short hair kind of guy," or my favorite, "Wow, what a sport!"

When I first cut my hair short, I had this feeling my EH hated it. He always said he didn't mind, come to find out after the divorce, he told a friend that my hair really did bother him.

So I asked Bear what he thought about my hair, whether it bothered him. His answer, I should have expected. "I fell in love with you, not your hair. But your hair is badass and you look sexy."

So the next time someone asks me how Bear likes my hair, I now have the answer for them.

Get Back On...

So I guess it's true what they say "When you fall off the horse, you have to get back on." Or in my case a bicycle...eating, goals, life, etc.

Yes I literally fell off my bike this weekend. To be fair, I only just got the bike for Christmas, and this was the first real long ride I was taking on it. Of course, falling off your bike at 29 years old is much...much much different than when you are 5 and falling off a bike.

It really wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to get back on.

While I was on the ground, bleeding and bruised I really thought for a minute that I wouldn't get back on. And then it hit me...so much of my life right now is sitting slumped over on the ground.

Eating...haven't been eating well...goals...have been at a standstill...life...yup on the ground bleeding and bruised.

So back on I got, and forward I went. Because if I couldn't get back on my bike I was sure these other aspects of my life would continue to lay there right with me. So forward I go.

11 years...

11 years...it's been 11 years since I saw my grandfather. 11 years since I heard him call me by my nickname. 11 years since I've seen him walk up the steps to my parents' house. 11 years since I have seen him look lovingly at my grandmother. 11 years since I've heard him crack one of his jokes. 11 years, which is just too f**king long.

This last weekend, I was fortunate to be able to see my cousins' documentary about the Portland, Mavericks, an independently owned Minor League baseball team. A ragtag team, owned by my grandfather.

To say the film touched me, would be an understatement. First, I saw footage of my grandfather, including interviews,  which I had never seen before.  I heard his voice again. Not just the voice in my head that I hear when I think of him, or his acting voice I have heard when seeing an old episode of him Bonanza. But his voice. The voice I haven't heard in 11 years.

And it was beautiful.

Secondly, the story is an incredible one of going after what you want and not letting the fear of failure get in the way. When you go after your passion, the end result is much much sweeter. And failure, well there might be failure along the way, but that will only bring you closer to success.

If you are wondering whether you will be able to see this film, the answer is yes. July 11th, you will be able to watch in on Netflix. So set your reminders and get ready to be inspired.

Learning To Be...

I'm learning to be patient with myself. Every day at work, I feel like I'm being pushed in ways that I have not experienced before. I know that I'm growing because of it, but I am hard on myself.

And what I am practicing is being kind to myself and my learning curve. It's okay that I don't know everything right now. How could I know everything? This is the first time I have been given this type of opportunity, to essentially run a business. And it's challenging. Exciting, but challenging.

Now if I can balance my career with my personal life, I would feel much more...I don't know what I would feel, but I assume it would be better than how I am feeling currently. See, a few things have fallen through the cracks. Extending my personal training exam, is the first that comes to mind and the one that stands out the most.

It's my goal to be a personal trainer. And I can't let that just fall by the wayside. I can't let any of my personal life fall by the wayside.

Me First...

It's been one month. One month since I have taken a moment to sit down and write to all of you what is going on in my life.

So what could have possibly happened that would take me away from one of my greatest passions...writing.

Well I will tell you. I was given the opportunity to open a pop-up store for my company. They asked me to build the store from ground up, and as I look back on these four weeks, I can easily say it was one of the biggest challenges for me.

I have spent 4 weeks creating a vision, executing a vision, and bringing to life something that I could not have possibly imagined before it all began.

Of course I couldn't have done it without Bear. There are just some things I can't possibly build and create. And what he was able to do, is nothing short of incredible.

The downfall, my health. I am finally catching up on four weeks of sleep. I haven't worked out in 4 days, which for me is pretty long. I haven't been eating healthy. I have gained weight. I have been stressed for the last four weeks. Sleepless nights, take out meals...it's taken a toll.

But, when I look back it was definitely worth it. I have learned valuable lessons through out this project, which will continue on through September. There will be more stress to come, but for tonight I am enjoying the time I have to breathe and the lessons I have learned.

Tomorrow I began a new day. Back to taking care of me first. And I am looking forward to it.

29 & Happy...That's Right Happy

Some days I think I should change my heading so that it reads 29 & Happy...That's Right Happy.

Why...because the divorce no longer defines who I am. It's something that is a part of my past along with a million other experiences I have gone through. It's no longer the dark cloud looming over my head ready to dump a shitty rain storm down on me.

Do I have sad days...difficult moments...of course. But mostly I am happy. Because I choose to be. Even when I am stressed and having a mini meltdown, I choose to let happiness be my driving force.

Most recently I've been stressed over a project I am doing at work. Stressed because I am pushing myself in ways I have never done before. So between 2 and 5 AM I've started to find myself staring at the ceiling telling myself, "There's nothing you can do right now. It's 2 AM and there is nothing you can do."  Which then turns into, "It's 4 AM there is absolutely nothing you can do." And by 5, I've finally found myself back in a sweet slumber only to wake up soon after to actually get my day started.

So the stress is there, the sadness is sometimes there, the difficult moments are there, but the overwhelming desire to be happy takes over and because of that I am 29 & Happy...That's Right Happy.

Pushed Back...

There are so many amazing things about my job...one of them is creating a vision for myself 10 years from today and then setting goals for myself.

This month I will be accomplishing a goal I had set for myself in 5 years. As for my goals for this year, I have been crushing them left and right, however becoming a certified personal trainer may have to be pushed back a couple months.

I am dedicated to putting 100% in all the work I do, and after being given an incredible opportunity to manage a store with my company, I know I won't be able to put the focus I need into my studying. But I'm okay with that.

By recognizing my limitations and setting my goal for another by-when (the date at which the goal needs to be accomplished) I will be able to put the love and dedication I believe each of these deserve.

I can't say the decision was easy. I sat there staring at my NASM book, knowing that I wasn't focused on what I was reading and getting frustrated that the material wasn't sticking with me. I kept thinking, how am I going to pass this test. And then it hit me.

I wasn't going to pass it. Because my mind was on opening a store and not on the material I was reading. I was upset with myself at first for not being able to do both. And it took me a couple weeks to get to the place where I could even admit to myself that I had to push the test date back. But I got there.

And what I've learned through this process, is that it's OK to be flexible and adjust goals accordingly. My goal of being a personal trainer isn't going by the wayside. It's still there. And having this opportunity to manage a store is going to help me in eventually manage my personal training business.

Fading Away...

Well the burn is finally fading away along with my scrapes and bruises. And the Tough Mudder seems like something I did in the distant past. Which is why, I have probably signed Bear and myself up for another one come October.

We are both turning 30 this year, and for our Dirty Thirty, what better way to celebrate than running through an obstacle course of mud.

30...holy moly I am turning 30 this year. It's not the age that scares me, as much as it is a reminder that I didn't always make the best of the years leading up to my 30th.

I wasn't always health conscious...I didn't always work out. I wasn't always choosing happiness. I played a victim for many years. I married someone who wasn't right for me, and who I wasn't right for.

There are many things I would do differently, but at the same time I am slowly starting to believe that all of those decisions brought me to where I am today and to whom I am with. It's hard to think back on my 20s without some regret, but looking back on the past will not get me anywhere I want to go for my future.

And just as my burn, scrapes, and bruises are fading away, so is my disappointment.

We Did It...

10+ miles and 24 obstacles later, Bear, myself and a few of my co-workers/friends made it through a Tough Mudder.

And although I walked away with many scrapes and bruises...it wasn't the obstacles that got to me. It were the damn hills. They were never ending and just when we thought we had finished climbing the last one, there were three more.

I can honestly say that without the help of Bear and my team I would have not enjoyed the challenge as much as I did.

There is something about jumping into an ice bath, being shocked, climbing ten foot walls, etc. that is exciting and fun. I was surprised how much I enjoyed the obstacles and how mentally challenging the hills were for me. But every time I was faced with a hill, Bear was there helping me up them. Just like he does every day.

It was the perfect way to spend our year anniversary, and I can't wait for us to do another Tough Mudder. Although next time, I will be carrying sunscreen with me, since this one left me with a bad sunburn. 

Wish Us Luck...

I can't believe Bear and I will be celebrating our year anniversary this Saturday.  At times, it almost feels as though I have just met him, and other times that I have known him my whole life.

The last couple days we spent a part from each other as I attended a conference for work. And all those same feels of being separated from each other, as it was when we first met, came flooding back to me.

In the beginning, Bear lived in another state, and we were lucky if we got to see each other every few weeks. Those weeks were some of the most difficult, but some of the most amazing times. We would spend hours talking with each other and getting to know one another on a deeper level.

Although at the time it was such a challenge not seeing each other, I now see the value that it brought to our relationship.

For our one year anniversary, I bought Bear the only thing that would make sense...a ticket to do the Tough Mudder with me. If you haven't heard of it before, the link below will give you a glimpse into how it is Bear and I will be celebrating.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tqigr5nVYkQ#t=21

So wish us luck...

All Be Worth It...

I am just getting over the flu...and again all I can say is thankfully I have Bear in my life. Taking care of me as much as he possibly could. We spent a good amount of time together this weekend.

As well as time with friends and family; celebrating a birthday, a going away party, watching my niece dance, my sister put on an amazing recital, and a day at the track field helping out with an event for work. So basically another incredible weekend.

Something Bear and I noticed while at a bar, and something I noticed since the divorce, many guys out there aren't respectful of women...and well the girls out there can be just as brutal to guys.

Not once while walking around in the bar would a guy step to the side for any girl walking by. And when Bear walked through a circle of girls who were taking up more space than needed, one of them threw up her hands and exclaimed, "Excuse me!"

It's amazing the level of entitlement that's out there amongst my age group. Surprising in fact. I'm not sure what makes them so much more important. But apparently to them something does.

I remember thinking when I first was in the dating scene again, how angry I was at my EH for putting me back in the dating scene, because it is just so brutal at times. Then I met Bear, and I remember thinking how thankful I was to my EH for leaving me.

I guess that's the lesson out there for all the single ladies and fellas. It may suck being in the dating scene, but when you've found someone who you just know you'll spend the rest of your life with, it will all be worth it.

As Invested...

I am so fortunate to have Bear in my life right now. Whether he lasts a lifetime (which is my personal hope) or a season of my life, there is no person I'd rather be sharing my journey with than him.

There are some changes that may be coming my way.

Scratch that, there are always changes coming my way, but one in particular I will be the one to make the decision whether or not I want to move forward in having it take place.

This change, like all the others, would mean definite growth. But it may interfere with another goal I am striving for this year.

To have the support of Bear in making these decisions, has been a blessing. He weighs the pros and cons with me, asks questions, helps answer my questions, and overall knows how to be partner I need him to be in these situations.

He's just as invested as I am, and I feel that through his actions and what he says. It's not just surface level for him. He genuinely cares. And I am so fortunate to have him in my life.

Strength...

Today I happened upon a blog from a girl I worked with many years ago. Although now she's no longer a girl but an inspiring woman, whom I am so completely in awe of. Her strength and beauty shines through her words.

Through Facebook I have seen updates here and there of her life, and a little while ago she posted about being pregnant. I was happy for her. In her pictures she and her boyfriend look incredibly happy and joyous to be taking on this incredible new journey.

Some time has gone by, and as I said I happened upon her blog, where I discovered she had had a miscarriage. My heart broke for her and for her boyfriend.

I feel so much for the girl I once worked with and admire so greatly the woman she has become. I hope others find strength in her blog and know they are not alone.

Valentine's Day 2014...

2 years ago I almost wrote a post about what it was like moving back into my parents home and putting all of my belongings into storage.

I mentioned it a couple times, but not to the extent I could have written about it. At the time, it was difficult to put into words what it felt like seeing everything boxed up and not knowing when I'd be seeing those things again.

Of course I was always able to go to my storage unit, open those boxes and sort through my little treasures...but after doing that once and realizing what a sad sight it was I only went in there a handful of times.

2 years...it's been almost 2 years since my couch, my pictures, my dishes, some of my favorite things, have been able to breathe.

On Valentine's Day Bear and I moved into our own place, which also meant on Valentine's Day I was able to unpack my boxes from storage.

The feeling was amazing. Just being able to see everything I love and hold dear to my heart in the apartment brought so much enjoyment and love to my day.  There were some things I realized I was missing from when I moved down 2 years ago. And although I wish I had them, they are all things I can buy...things that over time I will see again.

And Bear, well Bear is incredible. Not just his moving skills, but who he is. He has the kindest heart and he is the most loving person. And his moving skills were amazing. We moved everything ourselves...even a pull out couch. It was a feat getting it up 3 flights of stairs. But we did it and now all that remains... a couple boxes of books.

We do have some things to buy, a bed, a coffee table, and in time we will fill our apartment with new memories and furniture. For now though it is absolutely perfect.

Finish Line...

6 days and Bear and I will be moving into our own place. It feels good knowing that I set this intention, this goal and I get to check it off my list.

Often times I accomplish a goal and I don't take the time to sit and take it in. I move on to the next one, just like a checklist.

This time is different. I'm going to enjoy the accomplishment of this goal and take my time before setting the next one.

A year ago, I was running my first half marathon. This year I'm finally moving out of my parents' and  I'm going to be reunited with all my stuff that has been locked away in a storage unit for almost 2 years.

I have a feeling when I finally get my stuff out of the boxes and set up, I'm going to feel much like I did crossing that finish line. Incredibly proud of the journey that brought me there.

Insignificant...

Often times I think we make decisions or react to a situation based off of our past. But it's important to remember our past is insignificant to our future.

That isn't to say our past doesn't play a very important part of who we are today. Every interaction and experience has shaped us into who we are, but to use the past as a marker for how to react in a new situation or be a determinate of decisions we have to make stunts our growth.

It's something Bear and I have learned is incredibly important in our relationship. Having both come from a divorce, we know how important it is for us to leave the past in the past. When we start bringing it into this relationship we find that it only causes a roadblock.

And this doesn't just apply to relationships but every aspect of our life.

What a powerful thought...the past is insignificant to our future.

Legacy...

Sometimes I wonder what kind of legacy will I leave behind, when I'm gone. How will have I made a difference in this world? Right now, I don't think I could tell you what kind of difference I have made, only that I try to share my stories of weight loss,  failure at a marriage, being in a new relationship, having experienced my mom go through a major brain injury, in hopes that something I say will help whomever it is I'm talking to. How I don't know, but I keep sharing. And I keep listening and hearing what others have to share as well in hopes that I can partake in what legacy they are leaving behind.

One Week In...

One week into the New Year...and I am starting to really feel the weight of my goals. Moving out into my own place with Bear, become NASM certified, complete a Tough Mudder in March, go to Denmark, practicing yoga twice a week, and eating home cooked meals 6 days a week. They are all doable, but with working full time and trying to fit in the occasional moments with Bear and working on our relationship, it seems these goals are so far for me to reach and get to. I am determined. But it's going to be a long haul for 2014. I'm excited to see my growth, to see where these goals take me, and of course share with all of you, how 2014 looks for me during all this.