Badass & Sexy...

It's obvious I am going through a difficult time, where I am working on figuring out how to balance life and work. But the one constant that I am grateful for, is my relationship.

It is about the only thing that isn't tumultuous right now. In fact, being with Bear and feeling his constant love and support, has given me a break from everything else that seems to be crashing down around me.

What is amazing and an incredible feeling is that he loves me for me.

Recently, and it comes as no big surprise, I changed my hair style and color up again. People always ask me, "How does Bear like it? Is he okay with you changing your hair?"

I always reply with, "Well, ya I think he does. I mean he met me when I had short hair." To which I get, "Oh so he's a short hair kind of guy," or my favorite, "Wow, what a sport!"

When I first cut my hair short, I had this feeling my EH hated it. He always said he didn't mind, come to find out after the divorce, he told a friend that my hair really did bother him.

So I asked Bear what he thought about my hair, whether it bothered him. His answer, I should have expected. "I fell in love with you, not your hair. But your hair is badass and you look sexy."

So the next time someone asks me how Bear likes my hair, I now have the answer for them.

Get Back On...

So I guess it's true what they say "When you fall off the horse, you have to get back on." Or in my case a bicycle...eating, goals, life, etc.

Yes I literally fell off my bike this weekend. To be fair, I only just got the bike for Christmas, and this was the first real long ride I was taking on it. Of course, falling off your bike at 29 years old is much...much much different than when you are 5 and falling off a bike.

It really wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to get back on.

While I was on the ground, bleeding and bruised I really thought for a minute that I wouldn't get back on. And then it hit me...so much of my life right now is sitting slumped over on the ground.

Eating...haven't been eating well...goals...have been at a standstill...life...yup on the ground bleeding and bruised.

So back on I got, and forward I went. Because if I couldn't get back on my bike I was sure these other aspects of my life would continue to lay there right with me. So forward I go.

11 years...

11 years...it's been 11 years since I saw my grandfather. 11 years since I heard him call me by my nickname. 11 years since I've seen him walk up the steps to my parents' house. 11 years since I have seen him look lovingly at my grandmother. 11 years since I've heard him crack one of his jokes. 11 years, which is just too f**king long.

This last weekend, I was fortunate to be able to see my cousins' documentary about the Portland, Mavericks, an independently owned Minor League baseball team. A ragtag team, owned by my grandfather.

To say the film touched me, would be an understatement. First, I saw footage of my grandfather, including interviews,  which I had never seen before.  I heard his voice again. Not just the voice in my head that I hear when I think of him, or his acting voice I have heard when seeing an old episode of him Bonanza. But his voice. The voice I haven't heard in 11 years.

And it was beautiful.

Secondly, the story is an incredible one of going after what you want and not letting the fear of failure get in the way. When you go after your passion, the end result is much much sweeter. And failure, well there might be failure along the way, but that will only bring you closer to success.

If you are wondering whether you will be able to see this film, the answer is yes. July 11th, you will be able to watch in on Netflix. So set your reminders and get ready to be inspired.

Learning To Be...

I'm learning to be patient with myself. Every day at work, I feel like I'm being pushed in ways that I have not experienced before. I know that I'm growing because of it, but I am hard on myself.

And what I am practicing is being kind to myself and my learning curve. It's okay that I don't know everything right now. How could I know everything? This is the first time I have been given this type of opportunity, to essentially run a business. And it's challenging. Exciting, but challenging.

Now if I can balance my career with my personal life, I would feel much more...I don't know what I would feel, but I assume it would be better than how I am feeling currently. See, a few things have fallen through the cracks. Extending my personal training exam, is the first that comes to mind and the one that stands out the most.

It's my goal to be a personal trainer. And I can't let that just fall by the wayside. I can't let any of my personal life fall by the wayside.