On The Other Side...

I almost don't know where to begin.

I took down some posts that I wrote after Bear broke up with me.

Why? Because my words affected people he cares about. 

I don't know how I feel about it, because in all honesty when I write, it is a form of therapy for me. A way to get out what I am thinking and feeling in that moment. And I do it to showcase what many of us go through when we are heart broken.

The beautiful part about it is the progress you can see from post to post. The ups and downs and waves of emotions that one goes through. And through it all, how possible it is to choose happiness.

What I wrote 3 months ago about wanting Bear in my life, is in no way how I feel now. Wishing to be friends is no longer something I think about or care to have. And yet somehow those words were taken out of context, and affected those close to Bear.

So I took them down. And I don't know how I feel about it.

Maybe one day I'll post them again. (yes of course I saved them) But in the meantime I will keep writing about what life is like on the other side. A side filled with Disneyland days, concerts, seeing best friends become parents, dancing in the rain, road trips, etc.

Versions of Me...

A lot has happened this month.

Some things too emotional for me to post. I can't figure out how to put into words what I want to say, and so I started thinking of another post I've been wanting to write about.

Loving myself...who I am, who I show up as, and what I look like.

It's been a lifelong journey and one that I know I will always have to work at. Just because I love myself in this moment right now, doesn't mean I will continue to do so, especially if I don't work at it.

I am in a relationship with myself. And just like every relationship, this one will take time and energy to nurture and maintain.

For me, it has been easiest to fall in love with who I am and who I show up as to my friends and family. I haven't always been proud of myself in these areas as there have been moments that even I couldn't stand to be with me. I am human. I have made mistakes and I am sure I will make more in the future. But I have learned through those failures and have worked hard at being the best version of me. That is why I love who I am. Because I will never settle for showing up as sub par or less then. I will always strive to be the best version of me possible.

What has been more difficult is loving what I look like. I have been overly critical of my looks and my weight. Until I looked at three different photographs of myself and realized how much I love each one of them...each one of me.

I wasn't always overweight growing up. In fact, I was very athletic. It wasn't until I graduated from HS that I put on weight...41 lbs to be exact. That takes us to my first picture.

In this photo I see the woman who didn't care about weight or a scale. This is the woman that looked at herself and loved the way she looked. She felt sexy and beautiful. She didn't care about what she ate or how much she ate, because why would she when she didn't have a scale to tell her what she weighed. She was also the girl who didn't exercise because she didn't see the need. She had worked out all of her life, and this was the first time she felt no need to be anywhere, go anywhere, or do anything. She was in love. And love was all she felt. For the first time, in a long time, she loved herself, and loved the man she was with.

It wasn't until her weight gain was made known to her that she realized she wasn't being healthy. It was also when she first saw herself as fat, because she now had a number...166.. that defined who she was. And although this was a dark and sad time for her, this also was the beginning of her journey into health and happiness. Which takes us to the second photograph.

A lot led up to this photo. At 112lbs this woman's  mom was going though traumatic brain injury recovery. This woman no longer saw life in the same way. Life was now a fragile entity and so to prevent anything bad from happening to her, she controlled what she put into her body and began a workout routine that many would think was crazy. She was the woman who also began her journey of being happy and loving herself. She was the catalyst of where I am today. She was going through a divorce, and at times no matter how much she would eat, she could not gain weight. She was holding on to dear life to not let darkness consume her. She chose happiness over sadness, and love over hate. She smiled when crying was all she wanted to do and she learned what it meant to love again.

And it was that new love that takes us to the last photograph.

This is the photograph of the woman who learned to love again. Who realized she had no control over this crazy life, and so she let go little by little. She gifted herself with not weighing herself and taking a job that would support her with her health and journey of happiness. She is the woman who gives with all of her heart. She is the one who started CrossFit with her love so as to get away from an environment she constantly found herself comparing her weight to others. She is the one who when broken up with, decided again that happiness would prevail. She is the one who continues to weight lift and work hard and remain confident in her own skin. She is the one who says thank you, when someone tells her she looks good. She is the one who loves thick thighs. The one who stands up for herself when others tell her she looks better skinnier. She is strong and beautiful. Her weight unknown.

I am so proud of who I am today, who I was yesterday and who I will be in the future. Loving myself hasn't always been easy. But I will never give up on this relationship and I will always work at being the best version of me possible.

Alabama Shakes...

So I've had this blog sitting here and every time I go to write in it, I find myself taking out a pen and paper and writing letters. There is something about writing to someone that feels much more personal. For now, that is.

I never had a pen pal growing up, and now I find Bear's 99 year-old grandma my pen pal.

My last letter to her, I talked to her about choosing happiness and the ways in which I have been practicing that over the past few weeks.

Let's start with the concert I went to by myself in Las Vegas...if there is anything I would like all of you to do once in your life is go to a concert by yourself.

I went to see Alabama Shakes. A band that Bear had introduced me to.

I fell in love with their sound from the moment Bear played their music and so when I saw they were playing in Vegas, I felt it was my opportunity. My opportunity to do something that would make me smile.

And so I went and there I was, alone in a sea of people, feeling so many emotions, that left me with just one by the end of the night. Complete happiness.

It was everything I needed in that moment of time in my life. Everything I could have hoped for. And so if I have one recommendation, it would be for all of you to experience the same. Go to a concert by yourself, take you on a date, and have the time of your life.

Off We Go...

And it's off we go!!

To Washington, Denmark and Ireland that is.

Bear and I have been planning a vacation where we get to see his family and spend time with just the two of us.

We've needed this. Time to ourselves. And after months of planning and saving, it's finally here.

I've been hesitant to do a countdown, knowing that I need to be present at work, but in 3.5 hours I get to let my mind be free and just enjoy every moment I can with Bear.

And to top it all off, his sister just had her first child, today. So our first stop we get to celebrate her new family.

It's going to be incredible. 

Stuck...

A month has come and gone...

I don't know what it is but every day I think about what it is I want to share with all of you and then I realize I'm a little stuck.

Even now as I stare at the keyboard I don't know what to write or say. So much has gone on, but I almost feel all these amazing, wonderful things are happening to the people I love, and yet my life isn't quite moving forward in the direction that I want it to.

I'm not even sure what that direction is, but I know I'm not heading there right now.  I keep putting one foot in front of the other, still working on goals...but I feel stagnant.

I'm working hard, preparing for my big trip to Denmark and Ireland...oh yes it's happening in November.

So I don't know why I feel stuck or stagnant, when so much is happening in my life. But I do.

I'm looking forward to my vacation with Bear, as I think it will help clear my mind and I will be able to refocus on what it is I want/need right now.

Learning To Love...

I'm learning to love the new me.

The healthy, strong, muscular me.

I'm learning to let go of the thin me. The me that came to be because of stress and a divorce.

When I look at pictures of myself during that time, I tend to not think of how much pain I was in. All I see is a beautiful thin person.

I don't look at the pain in her eyes, her broken heart, or constant self criticism of how she failed in her marriage. Instead I look at her skinny arms, no hips, small legs, and flat chest and think, "To be her again."

But what that would mean... well it would mean taking away my happiness.

When I started gaining weight and muscle and filling out, I was angry at myself. I didn't understand why it was happening. My caloric intake hadn't changed. So what was I doing wrong?

And it hit me. Nothing. I am doing nothing wrong. In fact I am doing more right than wrong these days.

I am eating...for the most part...healthy. I am working out. And I am happy.

I'm no longer a stress ball dealing with a broken heart. My body isn't breaking down because of a broken heart.

My body is now healing itself, just as my heart did. And I am learning to love the new me. Not every day is perfect. I still look at the old me and think how nice it would be. But then I remember to be her again...well to be her again would mean I haven't achieved the happiness and balance in my life that I have achieved.

Am I Making It Count?...

5 times I sat down to write about what was going on in my life. And each time I ended up walking away from the computer unable to write was I was feeling.

This last month was a whirlwind, mostly consumed with closing down the project I had been working on all Summer.

Couple that with balancing a relationship with Bear, my family and friends, and I just felt overwhelmed by everything I was feeling. 

And to top it off, I turned 30 yesterday.

It's not that 30 is old. But when I was in my 20s I felt I had all the time in the world to start a family. I wasn't even actually in a rush to get married, that is something EH wanted more than me. When I was in my 20s, I would often think, "Oh I've got 10-15 years before I need to start thinking about that."

When you turn 30 that 10-15 years is now just a mere 5 years. A lot can happen in 5 years, but a lot can not happen in 5 years.

I didn't always make the most out of my 20s, and what I know now is that I need to make every moment, every day count.  At the end of each day I keep wondering if I am really doing that.

And I don't know that I am. But I will continue to try.

Home...

A follow up to my last post. The time I was able to spend with Bear and his family was incredible. I love seeing Bear happy, and since we don't get to spend as much time as we would like with his family, I knew this time would be important to him and to me.

The week, which began with a wedding followed by a baby shower, was full of stories, going through childhood memorabilia, playing games, drinking, eating, and last but not least constant laughter and smiling. In short it was perfect.

Coming home was just as special. I don't know when the change occurred, but at some point our apartment has become our home. The small space Bear and I rent, is now full of love and beautiful memories. I know this is just a pit stop until Bear and I find something permanent, and that wherever we go, as long as we are together, we will be home.

Badass & Sexy...

It's obvious I am going through a difficult time, where I am working on figuring out how to balance life and work. But the one constant that I am grateful for, is my relationship.

It is about the only thing that isn't tumultuous right now. In fact, being with Bear and feeling his constant love and support, has given me a break from everything else that seems to be crashing down around me.

What is amazing and an incredible feeling is that he loves me for me.

Recently, and it comes as no big surprise, I changed my hair style and color up again. People always ask me, "How does Bear like it? Is he okay with you changing your hair?"

I always reply with, "Well, ya I think he does. I mean he met me when I had short hair." To which I get, "Oh so he's a short hair kind of guy," or my favorite, "Wow, what a sport!"

When I first cut my hair short, I had this feeling my EH hated it. He always said he didn't mind, come to find out after the divorce, he told a friend that my hair really did bother him.

So I asked Bear what he thought about my hair, whether it bothered him. His answer, I should have expected. "I fell in love with you, not your hair. But your hair is badass and you look sexy."

So the next time someone asks me how Bear likes my hair, I now have the answer for them.

Get Back On...

So I guess it's true what they say "When you fall off the horse, you have to get back on." Or in my case a bicycle...eating, goals, life, etc.

Yes I literally fell off my bike this weekend. To be fair, I only just got the bike for Christmas, and this was the first real long ride I was taking on it. Of course, falling off your bike at 29 years old is much...much much different than when you are 5 and falling off a bike.

It really wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to get back on.

While I was on the ground, bleeding and bruised I really thought for a minute that I wouldn't get back on. And then it hit me...so much of my life right now is sitting slumped over on the ground.

Eating...haven't been eating well...goals...have been at a standstill...life...yup on the ground bleeding and bruised.

So back on I got, and forward I went. Because if I couldn't get back on my bike I was sure these other aspects of my life would continue to lay there right with me. So forward I go.

11 years...

11 years...it's been 11 years since I saw my grandfather. 11 years since I heard him call me by my nickname. 11 years since I've seen him walk up the steps to my parents' house. 11 years since I have seen him look lovingly at my grandmother. 11 years since I've heard him crack one of his jokes. 11 years, which is just too f**king long.

This last weekend, I was fortunate to be able to see my cousins' documentary about the Portland, Mavericks, an independently owned Minor League baseball team. A ragtag team, owned by my grandfather.

To say the film touched me, would be an understatement. First, I saw footage of my grandfather, including interviews,  which I had never seen before.  I heard his voice again. Not just the voice in my head that I hear when I think of him, or his acting voice I have heard when seeing an old episode of him Bonanza. But his voice. The voice I haven't heard in 11 years.

And it was beautiful.

Secondly, the story is an incredible one of going after what you want and not letting the fear of failure get in the way. When you go after your passion, the end result is much much sweeter. And failure, well there might be failure along the way, but that will only bring you closer to success.

If you are wondering whether you will be able to see this film, the answer is yes. July 11th, you will be able to watch in on Netflix. So set your reminders and get ready to be inspired.

Learning To Be...

I'm learning to be patient with myself. Every day at work, I feel like I'm being pushed in ways that I have not experienced before. I know that I'm growing because of it, but I am hard on myself.

And what I am practicing is being kind to myself and my learning curve. It's okay that I don't know everything right now. How could I know everything? This is the first time I have been given this type of opportunity, to essentially run a business. And it's challenging. Exciting, but challenging.

Now if I can balance my career with my personal life, I would feel much more...I don't know what I would feel, but I assume it would be better than how I am feeling currently. See, a few things have fallen through the cracks. Extending my personal training exam, is the first that comes to mind and the one that stands out the most.

It's my goal to be a personal trainer. And I can't let that just fall by the wayside. I can't let any of my personal life fall by the wayside.

Me First...

It's been one month. One month since I have taken a moment to sit down and write to all of you what is going on in my life.

So what could have possibly happened that would take me away from one of my greatest passions...writing.

Well I will tell you. I was given the opportunity to open a pop-up store for my company. They asked me to build the store from ground up, and as I look back on these four weeks, I can easily say it was one of the biggest challenges for me.

I have spent 4 weeks creating a vision, executing a vision, and bringing to life something that I could not have possibly imagined before it all began.

Of course I couldn't have done it without Bear. There are just some things I can't possibly build and create. And what he was able to do, is nothing short of incredible.

The downfall, my health. I am finally catching up on four weeks of sleep. I haven't worked out in 4 days, which for me is pretty long. I haven't been eating healthy. I have gained weight. I have been stressed for the last four weeks. Sleepless nights, take out meals...it's taken a toll.

But, when I look back it was definitely worth it. I have learned valuable lessons through out this project, which will continue on through September. There will be more stress to come, but for tonight I am enjoying the time I have to breathe and the lessons I have learned.

Tomorrow I began a new day. Back to taking care of me first. And I am looking forward to it.

29 & Happy...That's Right Happy

Some days I think I should change my heading so that it reads 29 & Happy...That's Right Happy.

Why...because the divorce no longer defines who I am. It's something that is a part of my past along with a million other experiences I have gone through. It's no longer the dark cloud looming over my head ready to dump a shitty rain storm down on me.

Do I have sad days...difficult moments...of course. But mostly I am happy. Because I choose to be. Even when I am stressed and having a mini meltdown, I choose to let happiness be my driving force.

Most recently I've been stressed over a project I am doing at work. Stressed because I am pushing myself in ways I have never done before. So between 2 and 5 AM I've started to find myself staring at the ceiling telling myself, "There's nothing you can do right now. It's 2 AM and there is nothing you can do."  Which then turns into, "It's 4 AM there is absolutely nothing you can do." And by 5, I've finally found myself back in a sweet slumber only to wake up soon after to actually get my day started.

So the stress is there, the sadness is sometimes there, the difficult moments are there, but the overwhelming desire to be happy takes over and because of that I am 29 & Happy...That's Right Happy.

Pushed Back...

There are so many amazing things about my job...one of them is creating a vision for myself 10 years from today and then setting goals for myself.

This month I will be accomplishing a goal I had set for myself in 5 years. As for my goals for this year, I have been crushing them left and right, however becoming a certified personal trainer may have to be pushed back a couple months.

I am dedicated to putting 100% in all the work I do, and after being given an incredible opportunity to manage a store with my company, I know I won't be able to put the focus I need into my studying. But I'm okay with that.

By recognizing my limitations and setting my goal for another by-when (the date at which the goal needs to be accomplished) I will be able to put the love and dedication I believe each of these deserve.

I can't say the decision was easy. I sat there staring at my NASM book, knowing that I wasn't focused on what I was reading and getting frustrated that the material wasn't sticking with me. I kept thinking, how am I going to pass this test. And then it hit me.

I wasn't going to pass it. Because my mind was on opening a store and not on the material I was reading. I was upset with myself at first for not being able to do both. And it took me a couple weeks to get to the place where I could even admit to myself that I had to push the test date back. But I got there.

And what I've learned through this process, is that it's OK to be flexible and adjust goals accordingly. My goal of being a personal trainer isn't going by the wayside. It's still there. And having this opportunity to manage a store is going to help me in eventually manage my personal training business.

Fading Away...

Well the burn is finally fading away along with my scrapes and bruises. And the Tough Mudder seems like something I did in the distant past. Which is why, I have probably signed Bear and myself up for another one come October.

We are both turning 30 this year, and for our Dirty Thirty, what better way to celebrate than running through an obstacle course of mud.

30...holy moly I am turning 30 this year. It's not the age that scares me, as much as it is a reminder that I didn't always make the best of the years leading up to my 30th.

I wasn't always health conscious...I didn't always work out. I wasn't always choosing happiness. I played a victim for many years. I married someone who wasn't right for me, and who I wasn't right for.

There are many things I would do differently, but at the same time I am slowly starting to believe that all of those decisions brought me to where I am today and to whom I am with. It's hard to think back on my 20s without some regret, but looking back on the past will not get me anywhere I want to go for my future.

And just as my burn, scrapes, and bruises are fading away, so is my disappointment.

We Did It...

10+ miles and 24 obstacles later, Bear, myself and a few of my co-workers/friends made it through a Tough Mudder.

And although I walked away with many scrapes and bruises...it wasn't the obstacles that got to me. It were the damn hills. They were never ending and just when we thought we had finished climbing the last one, there were three more.

I can honestly say that without the help of Bear and my team I would have not enjoyed the challenge as much as I did.

There is something about jumping into an ice bath, being shocked, climbing ten foot walls, etc. that is exciting and fun. I was surprised how much I enjoyed the obstacles and how mentally challenging the hills were for me. But every time I was faced with a hill, Bear was there helping me up them. Just like he does every day.

It was the perfect way to spend our year anniversary, and I can't wait for us to do another Tough Mudder. Although next time, I will be carrying sunscreen with me, since this one left me with a bad sunburn. 

Wish Us Luck...

I can't believe Bear and I will be celebrating our year anniversary this Saturday.  At times, it almost feels as though I have just met him, and other times that I have known him my whole life.

The last couple days we spent a part from each other as I attended a conference for work. And all those same feels of being separated from each other, as it was when we first met, came flooding back to me.

In the beginning, Bear lived in another state, and we were lucky if we got to see each other every few weeks. Those weeks were some of the most difficult, but some of the most amazing times. We would spend hours talking with each other and getting to know one another on a deeper level.

Although at the time it was such a challenge not seeing each other, I now see the value that it brought to our relationship.

For our one year anniversary, I bought Bear the only thing that would make sense...a ticket to do the Tough Mudder with me. If you haven't heard of it before, the link below will give you a glimpse into how it is Bear and I will be celebrating.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tqigr5nVYkQ#t=21

So wish us luck...

All Be Worth It...

I am just getting over the flu...and again all I can say is thankfully I have Bear in my life. Taking care of me as much as he possibly could. We spent a good amount of time together this weekend.

As well as time with friends and family; celebrating a birthday, a going away party, watching my niece dance, my sister put on an amazing recital, and a day at the track field helping out with an event for work. So basically another incredible weekend.

Something Bear and I noticed while at a bar, and something I noticed since the divorce, many guys out there aren't respectful of women...and well the girls out there can be just as brutal to guys.

Not once while walking around in the bar would a guy step to the side for any girl walking by. And when Bear walked through a circle of girls who were taking up more space than needed, one of them threw up her hands and exclaimed, "Excuse me!"

It's amazing the level of entitlement that's out there amongst my age group. Surprising in fact. I'm not sure what makes them so much more important. But apparently to them something does.

I remember thinking when I first was in the dating scene again, how angry I was at my EH for putting me back in the dating scene, because it is just so brutal at times. Then I met Bear, and I remember thinking how thankful I was to my EH for leaving me.

I guess that's the lesson out there for all the single ladies and fellas. It may suck being in the dating scene, but when you've found someone who you just know you'll spend the rest of your life with, it will all be worth it.

As Invested...

I am so fortunate to have Bear in my life right now. Whether he lasts a lifetime (which is my personal hope) or a season of my life, there is no person I'd rather be sharing my journey with than him.

There are some changes that may be coming my way.

Scratch that, there are always changes coming my way, but one in particular I will be the one to make the decision whether or not I want to move forward in having it take place.

This change, like all the others, would mean definite growth. But it may interfere with another goal I am striving for this year.

To have the support of Bear in making these decisions, has been a blessing. He weighs the pros and cons with me, asks questions, helps answer my questions, and overall knows how to be partner I need him to be in these situations.

He's just as invested as I am, and I feel that through his actions and what he says. It's not just surface level for him. He genuinely cares. And I am so fortunate to have him in my life.