Versions of Me...

A lot has happened this month.

Some things too emotional for me to post. I can't figure out how to put into words what I want to say, and so I started thinking of another post I've been wanting to write about.

Loving myself...who I am, who I show up as, and what I look like.

It's been a lifelong journey and one that I know I will always have to work at. Just because I love myself in this moment right now, doesn't mean I will continue to do so, especially if I don't work at it.

I am in a relationship with myself. And just like every relationship, this one will take time and energy to nurture and maintain.

For me, it has been easiest to fall in love with who I am and who I show up as to my friends and family. I haven't always been proud of myself in these areas as there have been moments that even I couldn't stand to be with me. I am human. I have made mistakes and I am sure I will make more in the future. But I have learned through those failures and have worked hard at being the best version of me. That is why I love who I am. Because I will never settle for showing up as sub par or less then. I will always strive to be the best version of me possible.

What has been more difficult is loving what I look like. I have been overly critical of my looks and my weight. Until I looked at three different photographs of myself and realized how much I love each one of them...each one of me.

I wasn't always overweight growing up. In fact, I was very athletic. It wasn't until I graduated from HS that I put on weight...41 lbs to be exact. That takes us to my first picture.

In this photo I see the woman who didn't care about weight or a scale. This is the woman that looked at herself and loved the way she looked. She felt sexy and beautiful. She didn't care about what she ate or how much she ate, because why would she when she didn't have a scale to tell her what she weighed. She was also the girl who didn't exercise because she didn't see the need. She had worked out all of her life, and this was the first time she felt no need to be anywhere, go anywhere, or do anything. She was in love. And love was all she felt. For the first time, in a long time, she loved herself, and loved the man she was with.

It wasn't until her weight gain was made known to her that she realized she wasn't being healthy. It was also when she first saw herself as fat, because she now had a number...166.. that defined who she was. And although this was a dark and sad time for her, this also was the beginning of her journey into health and happiness. Which takes us to the second photograph.

A lot led up to this photo. At 112lbs this woman's  mom was going though traumatic brain injury recovery. This woman no longer saw life in the same way. Life was now a fragile entity and so to prevent anything bad from happening to her, she controlled what she put into her body and began a workout routine that many would think was crazy. She was the woman who also began her journey of being happy and loving herself. She was the catalyst of where I am today. She was going through a divorce, and at times no matter how much she would eat, she could not gain weight. She was holding on to dear life to not let darkness consume her. She chose happiness over sadness, and love over hate. She smiled when crying was all she wanted to do and she learned what it meant to love again.

And it was that new love that takes us to the last photograph.

This is the photograph of the woman who learned to love again. Who realized she had no control over this crazy life, and so she let go little by little. She gifted herself with not weighing herself and taking a job that would support her with her health and journey of happiness. She is the woman who gives with all of her heart. She is the one who started CrossFit with her love so as to get away from an environment she constantly found herself comparing her weight to others. She is the one who when broken up with, decided again that happiness would prevail. She is the one who continues to weight lift and work hard and remain confident in her own skin. She is the one who says thank you, when someone tells her she looks good. She is the one who loves thick thighs. The one who stands up for herself when others tell her she looks better skinnier. She is strong and beautiful. Her weight unknown.

I am so proud of who I am today, who I was yesterday and who I will be in the future. Loving myself hasn't always been easy. But I will never give up on this relationship and I will always work at being the best version of me possible.

Alabama Shakes...

So I've had this blog sitting here and every time I go to write in it, I find myself taking out a pen and paper and writing letters. There is something about writing to someone that feels much more personal. For now, that is.

I never had a pen pal growing up, and now I find Bear's 99 year-old grandma my pen pal.

My last letter to her, I talked to her about choosing happiness and the ways in which I have been practicing that over the past few weeks.

Let's start with the concert I went to by myself in Las Vegas...if there is anything I would like all of you to do once in your life is go to a concert by yourself.

I went to see Alabama Shakes. A band that Bear had introduced me to.

I fell in love with their sound from the moment Bear played their music and so when I saw they were playing in Vegas, I felt it was my opportunity. My opportunity to do something that would make me smile.

And so I went and there I was, alone in a sea of people, feeling so many emotions, that left me with just one by the end of the night. Complete happiness.

It was everything I needed in that moment of time in my life. Everything I could have hoped for. And so if I have one recommendation, it would be for all of you to experience the same. Go to a concert by yourself, take you on a date, and have the time of your life.

Stuck...

A month has come and gone...

I don't know what it is but every day I think about what it is I want to share with all of you and then I realize I'm a little stuck.

Even now as I stare at the keyboard I don't know what to write or say. So much has gone on, but I almost feel all these amazing, wonderful things are happening to the people I love, and yet my life isn't quite moving forward in the direction that I want it to.

I'm not even sure what that direction is, but I know I'm not heading there right now.  I keep putting one foot in front of the other, still working on goals...but I feel stagnant.

I'm working hard, preparing for my big trip to Denmark and Ireland...oh yes it's happening in November.

So I don't know why I feel stuck or stagnant, when so much is happening in my life. But I do.

I'm looking forward to my vacation with Bear, as I think it will help clear my mind and I will be able to refocus on what it is I want/need right now.

Learning To Love...

I'm learning to love the new me.

The healthy, strong, muscular me.

I'm learning to let go of the thin me. The me that came to be because of stress and a divorce.

When I look at pictures of myself during that time, I tend to not think of how much pain I was in. All I see is a beautiful thin person.

I don't look at the pain in her eyes, her broken heart, or constant self criticism of how she failed in her marriage. Instead I look at her skinny arms, no hips, small legs, and flat chest and think, "To be her again."

But what that would mean... well it would mean taking away my happiness.

When I started gaining weight and muscle and filling out, I was angry at myself. I didn't understand why it was happening. My caloric intake hadn't changed. So what was I doing wrong?

And it hit me. Nothing. I am doing nothing wrong. In fact I am doing more right than wrong these days.

I am eating...for the most part...healthy. I am working out. And I am happy.

I'm no longer a stress ball dealing with a broken heart. My body isn't breaking down because of a broken heart.

My body is now healing itself, just as my heart did. And I am learning to love the new me. Not every day is perfect. I still look at the old me and think how nice it would be. But then I remember to be her again...well to be her again would mean I haven't achieved the happiness and balance in my life that I have achieved.

Time...

Bear and I don't get a lot of time together, but we make the most out of the time we do get to spend together.

That's why I am so excited for the week to come and for the weekend we just had.

I cashed in for some vacation days...first to be able to see the CrossFit Games with Bear and second to be able to go to his home town and see his family and go to a wedding.

It's exciting to spend this time with Bear and add to our list of ever growing memories. I can't think of anything I would rather do.

Glimpse Into The Future...

It's been almost a month since I've put up a post. Seems consistency is something I need to add to my list of things to work on.

It's not that life isn't worth talking about, but it seems that everything is going by so quickly that I hardly have time to slow down and appreciate the special moments.

Thankfully, I have time right now to do just that.

This last weekend, my 5 year-old niece, T, slept over. Her very first sleep over with Bear and myself. It was nothing short of perfection.

We had dinner and dessert. Put up a tent in the living room and watched movies. We had so much fun and when it was time to go to bed, Bear and I crawled into the tent with T and off to dreamland we went.

Of course T likes to move around in her sleep. Something that made me smile. Every time she would somehow find me and snuggle in closer. I loved every minute.

And in the morning Bear and T picked up breakfast and let me sleep in. Waking up to them talking gave me a glimpse into what our future could look like one day. And it was beautiful.

Get Back On...

So I guess it's true what they say "When you fall off the horse, you have to get back on." Or in my case a bicycle...eating, goals, life, etc.

Yes I literally fell off my bike this weekend. To be fair, I only just got the bike for Christmas, and this was the first real long ride I was taking on it. Of course, falling off your bike at 29 years old is much...much much different than when you are 5 and falling off a bike.

It really wasn't as easy as I thought it would be to get back on.

While I was on the ground, bleeding and bruised I really thought for a minute that I wouldn't get back on. And then it hit me...so much of my life right now is sitting slumped over on the ground.

Eating...haven't been eating well...goals...have been at a standstill...life...yup on the ground bleeding and bruised.

So back on I got, and forward I went. Because if I couldn't get back on my bike I was sure these other aspects of my life would continue to lay there right with me. So forward I go.

11 years...

11 years...it's been 11 years since I saw my grandfather. 11 years since I heard him call me by my nickname. 11 years since I've seen him walk up the steps to my parents' house. 11 years since I have seen him look lovingly at my grandmother. 11 years since I've heard him crack one of his jokes. 11 years, which is just too f**king long.

This last weekend, I was fortunate to be able to see my cousins' documentary about the Portland, Mavericks, an independently owned Minor League baseball team. A ragtag team, owned by my grandfather.

To say the film touched me, would be an understatement. First, I saw footage of my grandfather, including interviews,  which I had never seen before.  I heard his voice again. Not just the voice in my head that I hear when I think of him, or his acting voice I have heard when seeing an old episode of him Bonanza. But his voice. The voice I haven't heard in 11 years.

And it was beautiful.

Secondly, the story is an incredible one of going after what you want and not letting the fear of failure get in the way. When you go after your passion, the end result is much much sweeter. And failure, well there might be failure along the way, but that will only bring you closer to success.

If you are wondering whether you will be able to see this film, the answer is yes. July 11th, you will be able to watch in on Netflix. So set your reminders and get ready to be inspired.

Learning To Be...

I'm learning to be patient with myself. Every day at work, I feel like I'm being pushed in ways that I have not experienced before. I know that I'm growing because of it, but I am hard on myself.

And what I am practicing is being kind to myself and my learning curve. It's okay that I don't know everything right now. How could I know everything? This is the first time I have been given this type of opportunity, to essentially run a business. And it's challenging. Exciting, but challenging.

Now if I can balance my career with my personal life, I would feel much more...I don't know what I would feel, but I assume it would be better than how I am feeling currently. See, a few things have fallen through the cracks. Extending my personal training exam, is the first that comes to mind and the one that stands out the most.

It's my goal to be a personal trainer. And I can't let that just fall by the wayside. I can't let any of my personal life fall by the wayside.

Me First...

It's been one month. One month since I have taken a moment to sit down and write to all of you what is going on in my life.

So what could have possibly happened that would take me away from one of my greatest passions...writing.

Well I will tell you. I was given the opportunity to open a pop-up store for my company. They asked me to build the store from ground up, and as I look back on these four weeks, I can easily say it was one of the biggest challenges for me.

I have spent 4 weeks creating a vision, executing a vision, and bringing to life something that I could not have possibly imagined before it all began.

Of course I couldn't have done it without Bear. There are just some things I can't possibly build and create. And what he was able to do, is nothing short of incredible.

The downfall, my health. I am finally catching up on four weeks of sleep. I haven't worked out in 4 days, which for me is pretty long. I haven't been eating healthy. I have gained weight. I have been stressed for the last four weeks. Sleepless nights, take out meals...it's taken a toll.

But, when I look back it was definitely worth it. I have learned valuable lessons through out this project, which will continue on through September. There will be more stress to come, but for tonight I am enjoying the time I have to breathe and the lessons I have learned.

Tomorrow I began a new day. Back to taking care of me first. And I am looking forward to it.

Pushed Back...

There are so many amazing things about my job...one of them is creating a vision for myself 10 years from today and then setting goals for myself.

This month I will be accomplishing a goal I had set for myself in 5 years. As for my goals for this year, I have been crushing them left and right, however becoming a certified personal trainer may have to be pushed back a couple months.

I am dedicated to putting 100% in all the work I do, and after being given an incredible opportunity to manage a store with my company, I know I won't be able to put the focus I need into my studying. But I'm okay with that.

By recognizing my limitations and setting my goal for another by-when (the date at which the goal needs to be accomplished) I will be able to put the love and dedication I believe each of these deserve.

I can't say the decision was easy. I sat there staring at my NASM book, knowing that I wasn't focused on what I was reading and getting frustrated that the material wasn't sticking with me. I kept thinking, how am I going to pass this test. And then it hit me.

I wasn't going to pass it. Because my mind was on opening a store and not on the material I was reading. I was upset with myself at first for not being able to do both. And it took me a couple weeks to get to the place where I could even admit to myself that I had to push the test date back. But I got there.

And what I've learned through this process, is that it's OK to be flexible and adjust goals accordingly. My goal of being a personal trainer isn't going by the wayside. It's still there. And having this opportunity to manage a store is going to help me in eventually manage my personal training business.

Fading Away...

Well the burn is finally fading away along with my scrapes and bruises. And the Tough Mudder seems like something I did in the distant past. Which is why, I have probably signed Bear and myself up for another one come October.

We are both turning 30 this year, and for our Dirty Thirty, what better way to celebrate than running through an obstacle course of mud.

30...holy moly I am turning 30 this year. It's not the age that scares me, as much as it is a reminder that I didn't always make the best of the years leading up to my 30th.

I wasn't always health conscious...I didn't always work out. I wasn't always choosing happiness. I played a victim for many years. I married someone who wasn't right for me, and who I wasn't right for.

There are many things I would do differently, but at the same time I am slowly starting to believe that all of those decisions brought me to where I am today and to whom I am with. It's hard to think back on my 20s without some regret, but looking back on the past will not get me anywhere I want to go for my future.

And just as my burn, scrapes, and bruises are fading away, so is my disappointment.

We Did It...

10+ miles and 24 obstacles later, Bear, myself and a few of my co-workers/friends made it through a Tough Mudder.

And although I walked away with many scrapes and bruises...it wasn't the obstacles that got to me. It were the damn hills. They were never ending and just when we thought we had finished climbing the last one, there were three more.

I can honestly say that without the help of Bear and my team I would have not enjoyed the challenge as much as I did.

There is something about jumping into an ice bath, being shocked, climbing ten foot walls, etc. that is exciting and fun. I was surprised how much I enjoyed the obstacles and how mentally challenging the hills were for me. But every time I was faced with a hill, Bear was there helping me up them. Just like he does every day.

It was the perfect way to spend our year anniversary, and I can't wait for us to do another Tough Mudder. Although next time, I will be carrying sunscreen with me, since this one left me with a bad sunburn. 

Wish Us Luck...

I can't believe Bear and I will be celebrating our year anniversary this Saturday.  At times, it almost feels as though I have just met him, and other times that I have known him my whole life.

The last couple days we spent a part from each other as I attended a conference for work. And all those same feels of being separated from each other, as it was when we first met, came flooding back to me.

In the beginning, Bear lived in another state, and we were lucky if we got to see each other every few weeks. Those weeks were some of the most difficult, but some of the most amazing times. We would spend hours talking with each other and getting to know one another on a deeper level.

Although at the time it was such a challenge not seeing each other, I now see the value that it brought to our relationship.

For our one year anniversary, I bought Bear the only thing that would make sense...a ticket to do the Tough Mudder with me. If you haven't heard of it before, the link below will give you a glimpse into how it is Bear and I will be celebrating.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tqigr5nVYkQ#t=21

So wish us luck...

Strength...

Today I happened upon a blog from a girl I worked with many years ago. Although now she's no longer a girl but an inspiring woman, whom I am so completely in awe of. Her strength and beauty shines through her words.

Through Facebook I have seen updates here and there of her life, and a little while ago she posted about being pregnant. I was happy for her. In her pictures she and her boyfriend look incredibly happy and joyous to be taking on this incredible new journey.

Some time has gone by, and as I said I happened upon her blog, where I discovered she had had a miscarriage. My heart broke for her and for her boyfriend.

I feel so much for the girl I once worked with and admire so greatly the woman she has become. I hope others find strength in her blog and know they are not alone.

Valentine's Day 2014...

2 years ago I almost wrote a post about what it was like moving back into my parents home and putting all of my belongings into storage.

I mentioned it a couple times, but not to the extent I could have written about it. At the time, it was difficult to put into words what it felt like seeing everything boxed up and not knowing when I'd be seeing those things again.

Of course I was always able to go to my storage unit, open those boxes and sort through my little treasures...but after doing that once and realizing what a sad sight it was I only went in there a handful of times.

2 years...it's been almost 2 years since my couch, my pictures, my dishes, some of my favorite things, have been able to breathe.

On Valentine's Day Bear and I moved into our own place, which also meant on Valentine's Day I was able to unpack my boxes from storage.

The feeling was amazing. Just being able to see everything I love and hold dear to my heart in the apartment brought so much enjoyment and love to my day.  There were some things I realized I was missing from when I moved down 2 years ago. And although I wish I had them, they are all things I can buy...things that over time I will see again.

And Bear, well Bear is incredible. Not just his moving skills, but who he is. He has the kindest heart and he is the most loving person. And his moving skills were amazing. We moved everything ourselves...even a pull out couch. It was a feat getting it up 3 flights of stairs. But we did it and now all that remains... a couple boxes of books.

We do have some things to buy, a bed, a coffee table, and in time we will fill our apartment with new memories and furniture. For now though it is absolutely perfect.

Finish Line...

6 days and Bear and I will be moving into our own place. It feels good knowing that I set this intention, this goal and I get to check it off my list.

Often times I accomplish a goal and I don't take the time to sit and take it in. I move on to the next one, just like a checklist.

This time is different. I'm going to enjoy the accomplishment of this goal and take my time before setting the next one.

A year ago, I was running my first half marathon. This year I'm finally moving out of my parents' and  I'm going to be reunited with all my stuff that has been locked away in a storage unit for almost 2 years.

I have a feeling when I finally get my stuff out of the boxes and set up, I'm going to feel much like I did crossing that finish line. Incredibly proud of the journey that brought me there.

Insignificant...

Often times I think we make decisions or react to a situation based off of our past. But it's important to remember our past is insignificant to our future.

That isn't to say our past doesn't play a very important part of who we are today. Every interaction and experience has shaped us into who we are, but to use the past as a marker for how to react in a new situation or be a determinate of decisions we have to make stunts our growth.

It's something Bear and I have learned is incredibly important in our relationship. Having both come from a divorce, we know how important it is for us to leave the past in the past. When we start bringing it into this relationship we find that it only causes a roadblock.

And this doesn't just apply to relationships but every aspect of our life.

What a powerful thought...the past is insignificant to our future.

Keep On Celebrating...

The time is flying by and 2013 is coming to a close...Christmas is less than a week away, New Year's will soon follow,  and I'm trying to make sure the next few weeks are as special and incredible as they have been this year.

Sometimes I fall into bad habits, where being loving, happy, and healthy are not at the forefront of my actions. The good thing is, I can recognize those moments and hopefully change my actions before those bad habits creep up and hang around for too long.

One of my bad habits...over eating and obsessing about my weight. It's definitely a challenge at times, but there are no excuses.

When I eat my emotions, happy or sad, I'm not allowing myself to fully feel. But being an emotional eater, that's something I find difficult to do.

Of course I'm a work in progress, and overall 2013 has been one of my favorite years...and the best part there's still a couple weeks to keep on celebrating.

Wow...

Wow what an incredible two weeks it has been. This last week especially.

First, I made a giant step towards my goal of becoming a personal trainer. A step in the right direction and one that has lit a fire under me.

Second, I was so fortunate again to see my uncle narrate the Candlelight ceremony at Disneyland. Something I was able to share with Bear this year.

I led a vision and goals training for my work.

My co-workers and I surprised 5 families at a tree lot and bought their trees for them.

And my cousins' documentary made it into Sundance.

You can see why this has been an incredible two weeks, full of love, joy, and happiness!