Versions of Me...

A lot has happened this month.

Some things too emotional for me to post. I can't figure out how to put into words what I want to say, and so I started thinking of another post I've been wanting to write about.

Loving myself...who I am, who I show up as, and what I look like.

It's been a lifelong journey and one that I know I will always have to work at. Just because I love myself in this moment right now, doesn't mean I will continue to do so, especially if I don't work at it.

I am in a relationship with myself. And just like every relationship, this one will take time and energy to nurture and maintain.

For me, it has been easiest to fall in love with who I am and who I show up as to my friends and family. I haven't always been proud of myself in these areas as there have been moments that even I couldn't stand to be with me. I am human. I have made mistakes and I am sure I will make more in the future. But I have learned through those failures and have worked hard at being the best version of me. That is why I love who I am. Because I will never settle for showing up as sub par or less then. I will always strive to be the best version of me possible.

What has been more difficult is loving what I look like. I have been overly critical of my looks and my weight. Until I looked at three different photographs of myself and realized how much I love each one of them...each one of me.

I wasn't always overweight growing up. In fact, I was very athletic. It wasn't until I graduated from HS that I put on weight...41 lbs to be exact. That takes us to my first picture.

In this photo I see the woman who didn't care about weight or a scale. This is the woman that looked at herself and loved the way she looked. She felt sexy and beautiful. She didn't care about what she ate or how much she ate, because why would she when she didn't have a scale to tell her what she weighed. She was also the girl who didn't exercise because she didn't see the need. She had worked out all of her life, and this was the first time she felt no need to be anywhere, go anywhere, or do anything. She was in love. And love was all she felt. For the first time, in a long time, she loved herself, and loved the man she was with.

It wasn't until her weight gain was made known to her that she realized she wasn't being healthy. It was also when she first saw herself as fat, because she now had a number...166.. that defined who she was. And although this was a dark and sad time for her, this also was the beginning of her journey into health and happiness. Which takes us to the second photograph.

A lot led up to this photo. At 112lbs this woman's  mom was going though traumatic brain injury recovery. This woman no longer saw life in the same way. Life was now a fragile entity and so to prevent anything bad from happening to her, she controlled what she put into her body and began a workout routine that many would think was crazy. She was the woman who also began her journey of being happy and loving herself. She was the catalyst of where I am today. She was going through a divorce, and at times no matter how much she would eat, she could not gain weight. She was holding on to dear life to not let darkness consume her. She chose happiness over sadness, and love over hate. She smiled when crying was all she wanted to do and she learned what it meant to love again.

And it was that new love that takes us to the last photograph.

This is the photograph of the woman who learned to love again. Who realized she had no control over this crazy life, and so she let go little by little. She gifted herself with not weighing herself and taking a job that would support her with her health and journey of happiness. She is the woman who gives with all of her heart. She is the one who started CrossFit with her love so as to get away from an environment she constantly found herself comparing her weight to others. She is the one who when broken up with, decided again that happiness would prevail. She is the one who continues to weight lift and work hard and remain confident in her own skin. She is the one who says thank you, when someone tells her she looks good. She is the one who loves thick thighs. The one who stands up for herself when others tell her she looks better skinnier. She is strong and beautiful. Her weight unknown.

I am so proud of who I am today, who I was yesterday and who I will be in the future. Loving myself hasn't always been easy. But I will never give up on this relationship and I will always work at being the best version of me possible.

Off We Go...

And it's off we go!!

To Washington, Denmark and Ireland that is.

Bear and I have been planning a vacation where we get to see his family and spend time with just the two of us.

We've needed this. Time to ourselves. And after months of planning and saving, it's finally here.

I've been hesitant to do a countdown, knowing that I need to be present at work, but in 3.5 hours I get to let my mind be free and just enjoy every moment I can with Bear.

And to top it all off, his sister just had her first child, today. So our first stop we get to celebrate her new family.

It's going to be incredible. 

Learning To Love...

I'm learning to love the new me.

The healthy, strong, muscular me.

I'm learning to let go of the thin me. The me that came to be because of stress and a divorce.

When I look at pictures of myself during that time, I tend to not think of how much pain I was in. All I see is a beautiful thin person.

I don't look at the pain in her eyes, her broken heart, or constant self criticism of how she failed in her marriage. Instead I look at her skinny arms, no hips, small legs, and flat chest and think, "To be her again."

But what that would mean... well it would mean taking away my happiness.

When I started gaining weight and muscle and filling out, I was angry at myself. I didn't understand why it was happening. My caloric intake hadn't changed. So what was I doing wrong?

And it hit me. Nothing. I am doing nothing wrong. In fact I am doing more right than wrong these days.

I am eating...for the most part...healthy. I am working out. And I am happy.

I'm no longer a stress ball dealing with a broken heart. My body isn't breaking down because of a broken heart.

My body is now healing itself, just as my heart did. And I am learning to love the new me. Not every day is perfect. I still look at the old me and think how nice it would be. But then I remember to be her again...well to be her again would mean I haven't achieved the happiness and balance in my life that I have achieved.

Badass & Sexy...

It's obvious I am going through a difficult time, where I am working on figuring out how to balance life and work. But the one constant that I am grateful for, is my relationship.

It is about the only thing that isn't tumultuous right now. In fact, being with Bear and feeling his constant love and support, has given me a break from everything else that seems to be crashing down around me.

What is amazing and an incredible feeling is that he loves me for me.

Recently, and it comes as no big surprise, I changed my hair style and color up again. People always ask me, "How does Bear like it? Is he okay with you changing your hair?"

I always reply with, "Well, ya I think he does. I mean he met me when I had short hair." To which I get, "Oh so he's a short hair kind of guy," or my favorite, "Wow, what a sport!"

When I first cut my hair short, I had this feeling my EH hated it. He always said he didn't mind, come to find out after the divorce, he told a friend that my hair really did bother him.

So I asked Bear what he thought about my hair, whether it bothered him. His answer, I should have expected. "I fell in love with you, not your hair. But your hair is badass and you look sexy."

So the next time someone asks me how Bear likes my hair, I now have the answer for them.

Fading Away...

Well the burn is finally fading away along with my scrapes and bruises. And the Tough Mudder seems like something I did in the distant past. Which is why, I have probably signed Bear and myself up for another one come October.

We are both turning 30 this year, and for our Dirty Thirty, what better way to celebrate than running through an obstacle course of mud.

30...holy moly I am turning 30 this year. It's not the age that scares me, as much as it is a reminder that I didn't always make the best of the years leading up to my 30th.

I wasn't always health conscious...I didn't always work out. I wasn't always choosing happiness. I played a victim for many years. I married someone who wasn't right for me, and who I wasn't right for.

There are many things I would do differently, but at the same time I am slowly starting to believe that all of those decisions brought me to where I am today and to whom I am with. It's hard to think back on my 20s without some regret, but looking back on the past will not get me anywhere I want to go for my future.

And just as my burn, scrapes, and bruises are fading away, so is my disappointment.

Wish Us Luck...

I can't believe Bear and I will be celebrating our year anniversary this Saturday.  At times, it almost feels as though I have just met him, and other times that I have known him my whole life.

The last couple days we spent a part from each other as I attended a conference for work. And all those same feels of being separated from each other, as it was when we first met, came flooding back to me.

In the beginning, Bear lived in another state, and we were lucky if we got to see each other every few weeks. Those weeks were some of the most difficult, but some of the most amazing times. We would spend hours talking with each other and getting to know one another on a deeper level.

Although at the time it was such a challenge not seeing each other, I now see the value that it brought to our relationship.

For our one year anniversary, I bought Bear the only thing that would make sense...a ticket to do the Tough Mudder with me. If you haven't heard of it before, the link below will give you a glimpse into how it is Bear and I will be celebrating.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tqigr5nVYkQ#t=21

So wish us luck...

All Be Worth It...

I am just getting over the flu...and again all I can say is thankfully I have Bear in my life. Taking care of me as much as he possibly could. We spent a good amount of time together this weekend.

As well as time with friends and family; celebrating a birthday, a going away party, watching my niece dance, my sister put on an amazing recital, and a day at the track field helping out with an event for work. So basically another incredible weekend.

Something Bear and I noticed while at a bar, and something I noticed since the divorce, many guys out there aren't respectful of women...and well the girls out there can be just as brutal to guys.

Not once while walking around in the bar would a guy step to the side for any girl walking by. And when Bear walked through a circle of girls who were taking up more space than needed, one of them threw up her hands and exclaimed, "Excuse me!"

It's amazing the level of entitlement that's out there amongst my age group. Surprising in fact. I'm not sure what makes them so much more important. But apparently to them something does.

I remember thinking when I first was in the dating scene again, how angry I was at my EH for putting me back in the dating scene, because it is just so brutal at times. Then I met Bear, and I remember thinking how thankful I was to my EH for leaving me.

I guess that's the lesson out there for all the single ladies and fellas. It may suck being in the dating scene, but when you've found someone who you just know you'll spend the rest of your life with, it will all be worth it.

Valentine's Day 2014...

2 years ago I almost wrote a post about what it was like moving back into my parents home and putting all of my belongings into storage.

I mentioned it a couple times, but not to the extent I could have written about it. At the time, it was difficult to put into words what it felt like seeing everything boxed up and not knowing when I'd be seeing those things again.

Of course I was always able to go to my storage unit, open those boxes and sort through my little treasures...but after doing that once and realizing what a sad sight it was I only went in there a handful of times.

2 years...it's been almost 2 years since my couch, my pictures, my dishes, some of my favorite things, have been able to breathe.

On Valentine's Day Bear and I moved into our own place, which also meant on Valentine's Day I was able to unpack my boxes from storage.

The feeling was amazing. Just being able to see everything I love and hold dear to my heart in the apartment brought so much enjoyment and love to my day.  There were some things I realized I was missing from when I moved down 2 years ago. And although I wish I had them, they are all things I can buy...things that over time I will see again.

And Bear, well Bear is incredible. Not just his moving skills, but who he is. He has the kindest heart and he is the most loving person. And his moving skills were amazing. We moved everything ourselves...even a pull out couch. It was a feat getting it up 3 flights of stairs. But we did it and now all that remains... a couple boxes of books.

We do have some things to buy, a bed, a coffee table, and in time we will fill our apartment with new memories and furniture. For now though it is absolutely perfect.

Finish Line...

6 days and Bear and I will be moving into our own place. It feels good knowing that I set this intention, this goal and I get to check it off my list.

Often times I accomplish a goal and I don't take the time to sit and take it in. I move on to the next one, just like a checklist.

This time is different. I'm going to enjoy the accomplishment of this goal and take my time before setting the next one.

A year ago, I was running my first half marathon. This year I'm finally moving out of my parents' and  I'm going to be reunited with all my stuff that has been locked away in a storage unit for almost 2 years.

I have a feeling when I finally get my stuff out of the boxes and set up, I'm going to feel much like I did crossing that finish line. Incredibly proud of the journey that brought me there.

Legacy...

Sometimes I wonder what kind of legacy will I leave behind, when I'm gone. How will have I made a difference in this world? Right now, I don't think I could tell you what kind of difference I have made, only that I try to share my stories of weight loss,  failure at a marriage, being in a new relationship, having experienced my mom go through a major brain injury, in hopes that something I say will help whomever it is I'm talking to. How I don't know, but I keep sharing. And I keep listening and hearing what others have to share as well in hopes that I can partake in what legacy they are leaving behind.

One Week In...

One week into the New Year...and I am starting to really feel the weight of my goals. Moving out into my own place with Bear, become NASM certified, complete a Tough Mudder in March, go to Denmark, practicing yoga twice a week, and eating home cooked meals 6 days a week. They are all doable, but with working full time and trying to fit in the occasional moments with Bear and working on our relationship, it seems these goals are so far for me to reach and get to. I am determined. But it's going to be a long haul for 2014. I'm excited to see my growth, to see where these goals take me, and of course share with all of you, how 2014 looks for me during all this.

Uncertainty...

2013 is coming to an end...and for the most part I accomplished all that I set out for. Except for writing consistently on this blog. Nonetheless, I am pretty proud of all that I have done. But I can't help wanting 2013 to continue for a little while longer.

Why? Because I feel there is a sort of uncertainty in my life that I would love to have resolved before the New Year. However, I know it won't be possible.

Bear and I are experiencing a little bump in the road. We want different things in our life at this moment, and because of that we aren't sure where our future as a couple is headed.

Since Christmas, it's been off. What stemmed from a miscommunication, has now turned into a realization that we both are on different pages in this chapter of our lives.

But how do we get on the same page and what happens if we don't? I would love to look into the future and see where we are headed, maybe then I would be looking forward to 2014. But right now, this uncertainty is looming over me like a dark cloud and every moment I am preparing for the rain to come pouring down.

What I have learned through all of this, is that Bear and I communicate better than I have ever been able to communicate with anyone. And I am proud of the growth I have seen in myself with this and I am proud of his growth as well.

A new year is upon us...a year to achieve more goals and to set out what I want...need in life.

Gratitude...

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I am so happy to be spending the day with Bear and my family. It's hard though, because I know that Bear would love to be with his family as well. So I am going to do my best to make tomorrow as special as possible for him.

He has brought so much to my life…I think about last year this time. I had gotten the closure I needed with EH, and was able to finally move on. I didn't know it at the time, but Bear would be coming into my life, and adding so much more than I could have every imagined.

I feel blessed to be able to spend a day of love and gratitude with someone I am extremely grateful for. Thank you Bear, for everything. For showing me what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. For always being honest. You are incredible, hard working, and I am so proud of you.. Of us.

Plan Worth Following...

So many exciting events/moments have occurred since last week. Halloween with my niece, the grand opening of the new store I work at, a new structured eating plan...the list goes on.

Bear and I dressed up for my niece who wanted us all to go as My Little Ponies. When a 4 1/2 year old enthusiastically tells you her plan for Halloween and what you are going to wear...well it's impossible to say no. Which is why I dressed as Applejack and Bear as Big Macintosh. 

To see the smile on her face as I walked up to her house...exclaiming, "Applejack!!" it just doesn't get better than that.

And the day after Halloween was the grand opening of the store I work at. It was a whirlwind...from Halloween to opening the store and hosting the day to day events. But it went amazingly, and I am so excited to be working in an environment that really helps me thrive in my personal work, my health and my career.

As for my new structured eating plan...I will update you all on my progress. Right now, I've been successful at following it. I didn't weigh myself before starting, as my gift to myself last Christmas was no longer weighing myself. So I won't know what weight I've lost, if any at all. What I will know is that I am feeding my body healthier foods. And that is a plan worth following.

What I Love Most...

This last weekend I got to spend some time with Bear's family.

What I love most, about both of our families, is their ability to love so easily and to accept Bear and myself into their welcoming arms.

When Bear's dad hugs me, I feel just as comforted and loved by him as I do with Bear.

And when his mom, sisters, and their spouses are standing around, I don't feel like I am an outsider looking in. I know that because Bear loves me, they are opening their hearts up to me as well.

And the same goes for my family. When we returned to my parents' house, the smile on both of their faces was priceless. They were so happy to have us home.

Love radiates between the two families. And the fact that all of them are willing to open up after all that has happened in the past, is quite incredible.

Stirred Up...

Life is flying by.

I guess it's a good thing to know that I am busy with family and friends...spending time with Bear...loving my new job, that as a result this blog is taking a back seat. Of course I don't want it to be and I am determined to make this something I don't just do to fill some time.

In all honesty this blog is a chronicle of my  journey from darkness into light. A way to remind me of where I have been and how far I've come. Especially when my past comes back to bite me in the butt.

This last week and weekend for example. Boy did my past come back full force. And not in the form of memories, but in emotion. Old emotions of frustration and anger being stirred up.

Of course Bear was right there to support me. Guide me through what was reality versus what was my past.

Which of course leads me to worry.  Silly things like, will Bear get tired of having to be that support?

I say silly because Bear has already shown me that he won't do things he doesn't want to do. He's shown me he is someone who believes that in a relationship support is necessary in order to have a successful relationship.

It's truly amazing to me sometimes what a difference this relationship is. How healthy, and loving it is. The honesty that makes up our building blocks. That each day Bear and I are better than before.

Compliment...

Wow...2 weeks.

Two weeks have gone by since I have posed on here. It feels that so much has gone by...the start of my new career. Learning all that I can so that I can be the best, most effective manager possible with my team.

I've also been inspired to try new things and return to old...yoga, CrossFit, running. It's all apart of my journey.

And at the same time, my relationship with Bear is stronger each day. We have so much fun together, but more importantly we are consistently learning and working on how to communicate with each other. His honesty is a quality I admire and love so much, and his ability to understand my needs in trying times and not trying times, makes him the perfect partner for me, especially at this time in my life.

When I use to think about the type of person I would need to compliment my temperament, my personality, he is that person. And it feels amazing to not have settled.

Vision...

This last Saturday was the last day at a job I had been at for two years. It was difficult to say goodbye to my team and to a company that was there for me during some of my most difficult days. I loved what I was doing but I needed more balance in my life and where I am working now will allow me that.

It is also a place that will encourage me to go after my goals...to create a vision and do what is necessary to achieve that vision.

Today was my first day and it was nothing short of amazing. I have already been challenged in ways I wasn't expecting.

I am blessed to have this opportunity and I can't wait to see how I evolve. This is an exciting journey, and I can't wait to share it with you all.

Fear of the Future...

There are a lot of things that come up in my relationship with Bear, that have me thinking I want to work on that.

One of them being the occasional feeling that all of this will end one day. For obvious reasons, my mind sometimes spirals and lands on the notion that Bear is going to leave me in the future.

It's true I don't what the future holds for either one of us, but to live with the idea that it will most definitely end only creates more chaos in the present day.

I've been given no reason to believe he will leave, only that the past has shown me life is unpredictable that way.

It's something I'm working on...not living in fear of what will happen in the future, but enjoying what I know to be true now. We are in love, having fun, and living life to its fullest.

Wonderful Beginning...

3 states, 3 days, 1300 miles and we are finally here!

Bear has moved from Washington to California and we are beginning a new journey together. One which I know will be full of love and laughter.

It was a great road trip...and I learned a lot about myself.

I learned I am a pretty decent camper. I can sit in a car packed full of bags with my suitcase beneath my feet and a carry on bag in between me and the passenger door for 1300 miles. I sleep a lot. Seriously, I slept for about 2-3 hours each day; curled up into a ball. I learned I'm not terrified of lions, tigers, or bears. And most importantly that I can eat a pretty fair amount of junk food. 

It was an amazing adventure, and I am so happy to be settling in with Bear. What a wonderful beginning.