Uncertainty...

2013 is coming to an end...and for the most part I accomplished all that I set out for. Except for writing consistently on this blog. Nonetheless, I am pretty proud of all that I have done. But I can't help wanting 2013 to continue for a little while longer.

Why? Because I feel there is a sort of uncertainty in my life that I would love to have resolved before the New Year. However, I know it won't be possible.

Bear and I are experiencing a little bump in the road. We want different things in our life at this moment, and because of that we aren't sure where our future as a couple is headed.

Since Christmas, it's been off. What stemmed from a miscommunication, has now turned into a realization that we both are on different pages in this chapter of our lives.

But how do we get on the same page and what happens if we don't? I would love to look into the future and see where we are headed, maybe then I would be looking forward to 2014. But right now, this uncertainty is looming over me like a dark cloud and every moment I am preparing for the rain to come pouring down.

What I have learned through all of this, is that Bear and I communicate better than I have ever been able to communicate with anyone. And I am proud of the growth I have seen in myself with this and I am proud of his growth as well.

A new year is upon us...a year to achieve more goals and to set out what I want...need in life.

Keep On Celebrating...

The time is flying by and 2013 is coming to a close...Christmas is less than a week away, New Year's will soon follow,  and I'm trying to make sure the next few weeks are as special and incredible as they have been this year.

Sometimes I fall into bad habits, where being loving, happy, and healthy are not at the forefront of my actions. The good thing is, I can recognize those moments and hopefully change my actions before those bad habits creep up and hang around for too long.

One of my bad habits...over eating and obsessing about my weight. It's definitely a challenge at times, but there are no excuses.

When I eat my emotions, happy or sad, I'm not allowing myself to fully feel. But being an emotional eater, that's something I find difficult to do.

Of course I'm a work in progress, and overall 2013 has been one of my favorite years...and the best part there's still a couple weeks to keep on celebrating.

Wow...

Wow what an incredible two weeks it has been. This last week especially.

First, I made a giant step towards my goal of becoming a personal trainer. A step in the right direction and one that has lit a fire under me.

Second, I was so fortunate again to see my uncle narrate the Candlelight ceremony at Disneyland. Something I was able to share with Bear this year.

I led a vision and goals training for my work.

My co-workers and I surprised 5 families at a tree lot and bought their trees for them.

And my cousins' documentary made it into Sundance.

You can see why this has been an incredible two weeks, full of love, joy, and happiness!

Gratitude...

Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I am so happy to be spending the day with Bear and my family. It's hard though, because I know that Bear would love to be with his family as well. So I am going to do my best to make tomorrow as special as possible for him.

He has brought so much to my life…I think about last year this time. I had gotten the closure I needed with EH, and was able to finally move on. I didn't know it at the time, but Bear would be coming into my life, and adding so much more than I could have every imagined.

I feel blessed to be able to spend a day of love and gratitude with someone I am extremely grateful for. Thank you Bear, for everything. For showing me what a healthy, loving relationship looks like. For always being honest. You are incredible, hard working, and I am so proud of you.. Of us.

Vision...

Recently I sat down and created a vision for myself, 10 years from now. And with that vision comes the inevitable goal setting, so that I can achieve what it is I want for my future.

These goals terrify me, which can only mean one thing. I am setting goals that are going to push me forward.

And with the support and love I have from my family and Bear I know I can achieve whatever I set my mind on.

Counting...

Day 9 of my new eating plan and it's going well. I've realized I do really well when I have guidelines.

For the last few years it's been all about counting calories, which worked. But after 3 plus years, it definitely became a little tiresome.

I was too afraid though to stop though, for fear of gaining all the weight back.

But with this plan, I don't have to count. It's all outlined for me. It's been a great alternative to counting. And it's freed my mind.

If you had told me 3 weeks ago, I would not be counting my calories, I would have said there is no possible way. But it's been 9 days. I can't say I won't go back to counting, but for today, for right now this plan is where I am at.

Plan Worth Following...

So many exciting events/moments have occurred since last week. Halloween with my niece, the grand opening of the new store I work at, a new structured eating plan...the list goes on.

Bear and I dressed up for my niece who wanted us all to go as My Little Ponies. When a 4 1/2 year old enthusiastically tells you her plan for Halloween and what you are going to wear...well it's impossible to say no. Which is why I dressed as Applejack and Bear as Big Macintosh. 

To see the smile on her face as I walked up to her house...exclaiming, "Applejack!!" it just doesn't get better than that.

And the day after Halloween was the grand opening of the store I work at. It was a whirlwind...from Halloween to opening the store and hosting the day to day events. But it went amazingly, and I am so excited to be working in an environment that really helps me thrive in my personal work, my health and my career.

As for my new structured eating plan...I will update you all on my progress. Right now, I've been successful at following it. I didn't weigh myself before starting, as my gift to myself last Christmas was no longer weighing myself. So I won't know what weight I've lost, if any at all. What I will know is that I am feeding my body healthier foods. And that is a plan worth following.

What I Love Most...

This last weekend I got to spend some time with Bear's family.

What I love most, about both of our families, is their ability to love so easily and to accept Bear and myself into their welcoming arms.

When Bear's dad hugs me, I feel just as comforted and loved by him as I do with Bear.

And when his mom, sisters, and their spouses are standing around, I don't feel like I am an outsider looking in. I know that because Bear loves me, they are opening their hearts up to me as well.

And the same goes for my family. When we returned to my parents' house, the smile on both of their faces was priceless. They were so happy to have us home.

Love radiates between the two families. And the fact that all of them are willing to open up after all that has happened in the past, is quite incredible.

Stirred Up...

Life is flying by.

I guess it's a good thing to know that I am busy with family and friends...spending time with Bear...loving my new job, that as a result this blog is taking a back seat. Of course I don't want it to be and I am determined to make this something I don't just do to fill some time.

In all honesty this blog is a chronicle of my  journey from darkness into light. A way to remind me of where I have been and how far I've come. Especially when my past comes back to bite me in the butt.

This last week and weekend for example. Boy did my past come back full force. And not in the form of memories, but in emotion. Old emotions of frustration and anger being stirred up.

Of course Bear was right there to support me. Guide me through what was reality versus what was my past.

Which of course leads me to worry.  Silly things like, will Bear get tired of having to be that support?

I say silly because Bear has already shown me that he won't do things he doesn't want to do. He's shown me he is someone who believes that in a relationship support is necessary in order to have a successful relationship.

It's truly amazing to me sometimes what a difference this relationship is. How healthy, and loving it is. The honesty that makes up our building blocks. That each day Bear and I are better than before.

Compliment...

Wow...2 weeks.

Two weeks have gone by since I have posed on here. It feels that so much has gone by...the start of my new career. Learning all that I can so that I can be the best, most effective manager possible with my team.

I've also been inspired to try new things and return to old...yoga, CrossFit, running. It's all apart of my journey.

And at the same time, my relationship with Bear is stronger each day. We have so much fun together, but more importantly we are consistently learning and working on how to communicate with each other. His honesty is a quality I admire and love so much, and his ability to understand my needs in trying times and not trying times, makes him the perfect partner for me, especially at this time in my life.

When I use to think about the type of person I would need to compliment my temperament, my personality, he is that person. And it feels amazing to not have settled.

Vision...

This last Saturday was the last day at a job I had been at for two years. It was difficult to say goodbye to my team and to a company that was there for me during some of my most difficult days. I loved what I was doing but I needed more balance in my life and where I am working now will allow me that.

It is also a place that will encourage me to go after my goals...to create a vision and do what is necessary to achieve that vision.

Today was my first day and it was nothing short of amazing. I have already been challenged in ways I wasn't expecting.

I am blessed to have this opportunity and I can't wait to see how I evolve. This is an exciting journey, and I can't wait to share it with you all.

Fear of the Future...

There are a lot of things that come up in my relationship with Bear, that have me thinking I want to work on that.

One of them being the occasional feeling that all of this will end one day. For obvious reasons, my mind sometimes spirals and lands on the notion that Bear is going to leave me in the future.

It's true I don't what the future holds for either one of us, but to live with the idea that it will most definitely end only creates more chaos in the present day.

I've been given no reason to believe he will leave, only that the past has shown me life is unpredictable that way.

It's something I'm working on...not living in fear of what will happen in the future, but enjoying what I know to be true now. We are in love, having fun, and living life to its fullest.

My Failure...

I was recently asked in an interview to talk about something I have failed out and what I was able to learn from it. The company I was interviewing for embraces failure as they believe much growth can come out of it.

It was an easy answer.

My marriage.

It was probably the first thing I had really truly failed at. Of course there were the occasional tests I didn't do so well on in grade school...but none of those tests taught me anything other than I needed to study more.

No, my marriage was the first thing I really had failed at. And it taught me so much about myself, about what I want in a partner, what I'm not willing to give up...it taught me to live in happiness and to understand and know what balance can do for my life.

They are right, my failure has led to my growth and subsequently many successes.

Equation...

The last two days were amazing. I finally got caught up on life; spent time with not only my family and Bear, but a few of my friends and more importantly took time for me.

With the road trip, my birthday, the wedding and work I haven't had the time to really sit and be still...to meditate and quiet the mind. But it's extremely important, and so with two days off I finally found the time.

It was a beautiful reminder for me to make sure when I think about balancing my lifestyle, that I include myself into that equation. And that I never lose sight of that.

Love and Happiness...

So as you may have gathered from the page heading, I am no longer 28...that's right 28 has come and gone, and now I am 29.

Yikes! Not that 29 is old but that I am spending the last year of my 20s this year.

As I celebrated my birthday, I felt sad to be saying goodbye to 28. It was one of the best years of my life. Skydiving, half marathon, divorce finalized, meeting Bear...it just was amazing.

But 29 is starting off in a great direction as well.

This last weekend, I went up to Solvang with my family and Bear to celebrate my cousin marrying his girlfriend of 13 years. At 15 and 16 they began their journey together, and yesterday I celebrated with them as they said their wedding vows.

It was beautiful. The music, the food, the views, the people...it was all wonderful.

I think what I enjoy the most about weddings, is the outpour of love and happiness. That is what makes me smile.

It's easy to get caught up in every day drama, but when you can take a weekend to enjoy what truly matters, you realize what life is truly about. Love and happiness.

Wonderful Beginning...

3 states, 3 days, 1300 miles and we are finally here!

Bear has moved from Washington to California and we are beginning a new journey together. One which I know will be full of love and laughter.

It was a great road trip...and I learned a lot about myself.

I learned I am a pretty decent camper. I can sit in a car packed full of bags with my suitcase beneath my feet and a carry on bag in between me and the passenger door for 1300 miles. I sleep a lot. Seriously, I slept for about 2-3 hours each day; curled up into a ball. I learned I'm not terrified of lions, tigers, or bears. And most importantly that I can eat a pretty fair amount of junk food. 

It was an amazing adventure, and I am so happy to be settling in with Bear. What a wonderful beginning.

I Worked On Me...

I'm always amazed when other women ask me how did you do it? How did you go through your divorce and come out as happy as you are? And then comes the inevitable question...
Did you date a lot?

And I'm usually amazed because the women who ask me are older and/or seem so put together that I feel my answer is maybe not as useful as what they could come up for themselves. I guess I don't feel so wise on the subject. Nevertheless they do ask...I suppose because when you are going through something like a divorce or breakup, you seek answers from anyone you can.

My answer is always simple: I worked on me.

Then comes the question how?

I worked on healing my mind, body and soul. I found my happiness and didn't worry about finding another relationship. I didn't date to try to find the one...I worked on me.

That did mean more alone time, which can be uncomfortable. It did include more family and friends time, which at times feels difficult, when all you want to do is crawl up in a ball and cry. And it meant challenging myself.

I did things for me. I worked on me so that when the right person did come along, they were getting someone who was healthy and happy.

Sometimes my answer is lost on the person asking...and I always let them know what I did isn't the answer for everyone, but it's the only one I know. And as a result I am, for the most part, happy. When it comes to the divorce, my heart has completely healed.

I'm at the point where if I ever saw EH I would thank him. Because my life, my relationship with Bear, is better than I could have ever imagined.

Yup, I worked on me. And having learned the benefit of doing so, I will continue to work on me for the rest of my life.

Subside...

For some reason I have found myself breaking down in tears lately. Ridiculously so.

My life is definitely in a transition and these tears are coming out with no control on my part. Although I would love for them to stop...and soon...I do believe they are coming for a reason. And that at the end of this period of my life, these tears will have benefited me.

I feel so blessed in so many areas of my life and I am extremely thankful for all that I have. But one thing I am lacking right now is balance.

And hopefully when my life balances out these tears will subside.

Routine...

It's amazing how comfortable we can get with a routine.

Work out, talk to Bear, work, eat dinner, talk to Bear, go to sleep and do it all over again. Sometimes not in that order, but you get the idea.

A couple days ago Bear went to Denmark to visit his sister, brother in law, and nephew. I couldn't be more excited and happy for him, but I've noticed that the parts of my day that were dedicated to him...whelp I'm left wondering what to do with all of that time.

And it hit me. In just 5 months, I've become so use to having Bear in my life, that I've forgotten what it's like to not have him around. Even though he lives in Washington, we are still easily able to Face Time, text, and call each other.

Now that he is in Denmark, it isn't that easy. And I can't believe that I've already become so accustomed to having him in my life, that my days right now are filled with big gaps.


Although my ideal day includes Bear, I am looking forward to having more time to read...time to have lunch/dinner with friends...and possibly get in a nap or two.

When Bear first left for Denmark, I wasn't sure how I would deal with a change in my routine, but now I'm looking forward to it. I have a feeling it will be good for my mind, body, and soul.

Get After It...

In a month I'll be turning 29.  And I've decided that before I turn 30, I want to embark on a new journey. One that will hopefully lead me to getting my personal training certificate.

Inspiring others, helping others get healthy, is something I am passionate about. And although I love the job I have now, I do believe that with my history of learning to live a healthier and happier lifestyle, I can help others achieve this same goal.

I'm excited, nervous, and determined to achieve this next goal in my life, and I am inspired by those around me who are living out their passion.

I know I can do this. I know I can be great at this. And I will be sharing with all of you my journey down this personal training path.

Blank: A Vinylmation Love Story

Love, what does it mean? Specifically, what does it mean to you?

Webster's Dictionary describes love as the following:

a (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties <maternal love for a child> (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests <love for his old schoolmates> 

But as we all know love can mean so much more.

Over the last year and 4 months, I have been witness to my brother in law, along with a team of 4 other guys, develop and create a stop motion love story based on the Vinylmation figurines. If you don't know what those are, here's a link to help you out: Vinylmation: What is it?

This story is not only about the strong bond and love between Blank and Bow, but also about finding one's identity.

It's when we find our identities, find what makes us happy in life, that we can truly have a love story that lasts for decades.

When I watch this trailer, and I suspect when I watch all 12 episodes, I will take away something different from each of you, as this story allows each of its viewers to walk away with their own perception and meaning of love.

Because this is a silent film, we are able to create a dialogue for the characters, thus walking away with something that feels much more personal than anything we have ever experienced before.

These film makers are not forcing us to feel what they want us to feel, when they want us to feel, they are giving us the opportunity to create our own love story. We will cry, laugh, and feel a wide range of emotions throughout this series and not all at the same time.

What a gift to be given. 

I hope you enjoy.

Moving...

In a little over a month Bear will be moving to California...yes you read that correctly.

It's something he has wanted to do long before he met me, and to be honest the long distance thing doesn't work after a while. A point we are nearly hitting.

Part of the issue is after not having someone around for a month at a time, you get use to your daily routine and being on your own. Then for 5 days that person is around and you have to readjust. Then they leave and you are finding that you have to go back to being okay with being alone.

It's a very difficult pattern to get use to and frankly one we are a little tired of.

So he is moving down and we will be moving in together. I'm of course excited, but at the same time nervous.

You see, part of not seeing someone for a month at a time also means not having to see each other's tendencies. And I don't know how he'll feel about me after living with me for some time.

Not that I am entirely difficult to live with, but I like to live my life a certain way and I'm hoping he will fit right into that. 

Of course, I have changed over the last year and some odd months, so who I was as a partner before isn't going to be how I am today, tomorrow, or a month from now.

It will be interesting to see how this transition pans out. I suspect there will be a lot of love, laughter, and happiness. At least I'm hoping there will be.

P.S. I saw this post about long distance relationships and it made me laugh...hopefully you will enjoy too : )

Long-Distance Relationships

What Just Happened...

So I have to share with you all a very odd interaction I had at work the other day. Normally, I wouldn't think twice about it, but it was a little shocking. The audacity of the couple I dealt with requires me to share this with you.

First, let me remind you that for Christmas this last year I gave myself the present of not weighing myself. It became too much of a mind game. I wasn't focusing on being healthy and happy, I was focusing on getting to a number I once was during a very stressful time in my life. A time where my metabolism was overworking and no matter how much I ate, I was still losing weight.

That number isn't realistic, and to be frank was too low for what I should be.

Anyways, I've been happy with where I am. I mean, there's always a part of me that wants to be smaller, but in general I am happy. By no means am I big. Had this conversation taken place when I was not in the mindset I am today, I'm pretty sure this would have crushed me. Even now, with a healthier view of myself, this conversation left with with thinking, what just happened?!?!

Wife: We want to buy this for my daughter. But we don't know if it will fit.

Husband: What size are you?
(I get asked this all the time, and it doesn't faze me anymore, selling clothes you sort of come to expect this as many customers compare you to the person they are buying for)

Me: A zero.

Husband: That can not be. You are much bigger than that. (walks around to stare me up and down) You have to be bigger than a two.

Me: Well that's what I typically wear here...a zero or extra small.

Husband: Well my daughter is much smaller than you. And if you are telling me you could fit into this dress, well then it will definitely be too big for her.

Me: Ummm...well I haven't tried this specific dress on so a zero could be too small. I don't know. Everything else I buy from here is a zero...

Husband: How much do you weigh?

Me: On a good day or bad day? (nervous laugh)

Husband: How much do you weigh?

Me: Anywhere from 115-125. (mind you it's been 7 months since I last weighed myself, so this was the best I could come up with)

Husband: You have to weigh more than that.

Me: I don't know what else to tell you.

Husband: Well we can't buy this. If you are saying it will fit you, then it will be too big for her.

To his wife: Go pick out your size and we will buy you one instead.

Looks at me: This dress doesn't seem your style. You don't wear colors like this.

Me: Well, no, it's not exactly my style but it is beautiful.

Husband: It's definitely not your style. 

His wife came over with her dress, and I rang them up and sent them on their way. 

It's amazing to me the way people interact sometimes, what they think is acceptable. Like I said, had I not been in the mindset I am today, this could have messed with my head and self image for weeks.

Thankfully I don't feel that and it has only inspired me to continue to be healthy and happy. That is my one and only goal. One I can't wait to share with others.

How To Deal...

Over the last year, I've had several people ask me how it is I deal with my stress so well.

My first thought is I don't...but that first thought is always the self doubting part of me, so I've learned/am learning to ignore those first thoughts.

Which is why over the last several months, I've looked at patterns and habits I have created to deal with my stress, and there is one constant factor.

Dancing.

Yesiree, I love to dance. Now, I will be the first to tell you that I am by no means a good dancer. I'm not a bad dancer, just not a good one. If I could dance like my older sister, I would be in dancing heaven. But it isn't to be.

However this last year and so odd months, I decided to not listen to the critical me, and decided to go for it. Whenever I feel like it.

My co-workers will even tell you that I make us take dance breaks at work. Especially when I can feel tension in the air...or when a good song comes on.

There's just something about letting go, for a moment or two, that wipes away all my worries and fears. That let's me just live in the moment and forget everything else.

So, in hopes of de-stressing my co-workers, myself, and anyone near me when the mood strikes, I get us to dance.

It's one of the best habits I've picked up. And one I will continue to use throughout my life. Try it...I promise it helps.

Big Sister...

As I sit here reflecting on the day I just had, I can't help but feel like one of the luckiest people in the world tonight.

I treasure my days off from work. My job isn't a Monday through Friday 9-5 career. My days off come randomly throughout the week. And they typically don't come in pairs, except for the one weekend off a month.

So when I do have a day off, I try to make the most of it that I can.

Today started with a workout followed by a hike with a dear friend. After which, I hurried over to see my sister, brother in law, niece, and her brand new baby sister!

My older sister had her second child a week ago and it is just amazing to me how much my heart has expanded for this little one.

First, I am so proud of my sister, for being such an amazing mother and for being such a great big sister to me. Her love for those around her has always inspired me.

Secondly, I am so blessed to be an aunt to two amazing girls. Spending time with these two, makes every worry, concern, sadness, just melt away until there is nothing but love and happiness filling my heart.

It's one of the greatest joys in my life...being able to be their aunt. And I have my big sister and brother in law to thank for that.

Nuncle's Voice...

Over the last year and 5 months my niece who is now 41/2 years old has asked me questions about my EH, her Nuncle, that have have sometimes stopped me in my tracks.

For 3 1/2 years...the first years of her life, my Eh, sister, brother-in-law and my niece, all lived together.

Needless to say, she became very close to my EH, and with this divorce it has been challenging for her young brain to wrap around the idea of being together to not being together.

In the beginning she would ask me questions like why wasn't I with Nuncle...did Nuncle not love me anymore...why does Nuncle not want to be "narried"...that was always my favorite, the mispronunciation would always make me laugh.

She would tell me to go drive and see him, or don't worry Ace (her nickname for me), Nuncle still loves you.

Oh it would break my heart. Seeing her trying to figure it out. And then realizing that not only would her Ace wouldn't see him but that she wasn't going to be seeing him either.

Before I started seeing Bear, she told me I needed to find a new Nuncle. And so when I started dating Bear and when I knew it was becoming serious I wondered if he would be the replacement she wanted for me. I introduced Bear as my friend, and so when the subject of finding someone for me to marry came up again, she told me quite honestly that I couldn't marry Bear because he was my friend not husband.

Oh, she loves Bear. Face Timing him, playing games with him, sending him video messages, but to her Bear was just my friend. Now that it's been a little time she's recently she's told me I can do whatever I want, marry him not marry him : )

Then today as we were driving and we were talking about her unbelievable memory, I asked her if she remembered the giant Mickey and Minnie I use to have and that she would snuggle with. She said, "Yes"  with a big smile on her face. Then paused for a bit and said "Ace I don't remember Nuncle's voice anymore, do you remember it? What does it sound like?"

To be honest, I don't. It's been so long. I didn't know what to say, I felt so choked up...for both of us. 

When I didn't answer she moved on and said, "Why didn't he like you anymore?"

Again, I was at a loss. But this time I mustered up a response.

"I don't think he didn't like me anymore, I think maybe someone else came into his life that he loved."

 She laughed and said "No that's not it. Do you miss him?"

 "I do, every once in a while, not all the time."

"Do you miss him now?"

"I do...ya right now I do."

"Do you love Bear more than him?"

"I love them both in very different ways."

"I should set up a play date with Bear so that we remember each other."

"I think that's a great idea."

"I should set up a play date with Nuncle and Bear so they can remember each other."

That made me laugh.

Luckily we arrived at our destination and there weren't anymore questions to be asked.

But as I sit here thinking of the conversation it breaks my heart to know just how affected my niece was by the divorce.

And I'm happy she feels comfortable talking about it with me.

In the past I would get angry with my EH, thinking how could you do this to me, to my family, to my brother-in-law, to my niece?!

But I don't feel that way anymore. Because I don't want to be with him. I changed for the better because of the divorce and the person I am today could not be with the person my EH was and most likely is today.

I am so much more fulfilled in my life today, than I ever was. And my relationship with Bear is that much better because of it.

I know these questions will come...far and few between, but one day when she is much older I hope I can share this experience with her and show her that even during our most difficult moments, there is always light at the end of the dark tunnel and that the journey is well worth it.

Pass On...

This last November I wrote a post...a copy of a letter I wrote to a teacher I had just found out was battling cancer again.

It is with sad news I must tell you that that same teacher of mine passed away.

After re-reading my letter to her, I was once again hit with the deep knowledge that I am truly living and not just going through the motions.

I believe if Mrs. Nick saw me today, she would be proud. I am proud.

Mrs. Nick you will be missed greatly, but it is my goal, my honor to pass on the wisdom and guidance you gave to me.

Your words will continue to live on, and you will continue to touch others as you have touched me.

Better Than Before...

I didn't think it would happen...so quickly...so easily...falling in love.

I can recall the moment, I fell so completely in love with Bear, with no abandonment.

We had just finished having an intense conversation, and when I asked him after how he felt about us, he said "I feel like we're better than before."

When he said those words, I felt every wall surrounding my heart come crashing down.

His honesty, his insight into what a successful relationship entails, has never made me feel so secure in all my 28 years.

I know that whatever disagreement, argument, intense conversation we may have in the future, we will always walk away better than before.

Personal Space...

I think it's important for everyone to have their own personal space...somewhere they can go and be alone. Whether to meditate, listen to their favorite music, dance it out, whatever it is, a space they can let it all go.

My drive to work has increased exponentially. I no longer work 20 minutes away...on a good day it's a 40 min drive...on most days I'm looking at an hour to an hour 15 minute drive.

I have a lot of people tell me how brutal a drive like that is...and it can be at times. But this week I began practicing using that drive as my alone time. My time to think, to listen to music, and to prepare and decompress from the day.

When I begin to feel sorry for myself and fixate on the fact that I have such a long drive, I miss the opportunity to take the hour and plan my day, reflect on my day, clear my mind of any negative emotions, thoughts, or feelings.

So although, the drive is not ideal, it does have its benefits and for that I am grateful.

Tetris...

So much to do, so little time to do it in.

Doesn't it always seem to be this way...with work, relationships, family, and friends. How do you fit it all in?

Some days I feel like I have it all figured out, putting it all together like an amazing game of Tetris.  Passing each level as it comes my way. Then there are days, weeks, months, where I feel like I can't pass level 1.

As is the case this week. I feel like I am playing catch up in all aspects of my life.

Whether it's not being able to work out so I can get some sleep...not having time to catch up with my friends...working 7 days in a row...not seeing my family...still figuring out this whole long distance relationship. Well right now, I'm nowhere near passing this level of Tetris, but I'm hoping that maybe in a couple weeks from now...couple months even, I'll be fitting these pieces of my life together a little better than I have been.

Long and Healthy...

I think the best part about my relationship with Bear is that we aren't looking to complete each other. We aren't looking for one another to make the other happy.

Over the last year, we have worked to do that ourselves. And because of that our relationship is much more enriching. We are two individuals coming together, choosing to be with one another despite the trials we have been put through over the last year and we are choosing to love again and trust in each other.

We don't bring the baggage from our last relationships to the table and expect that the other change to fit whatever mold it is we think we need. We add to each others' happiness...never taking away or completing. We are also set on continuing to hold onto our goals.

I think it is so important to hold onto the goals you have set for yourself before being in a relationship and not loose track of them.

For example, shark diving. I want to go shark diving, which is something Bear does not share with me. And I would never want him to force himself to go with me, if that is something he has no desire to do. In the same token, I don't want to give up this dream because it's something my partner does not want to do.

Of course, I want to develop dreams and goals with Bear that we can accomplish together, but what I want most if for us, as individuals, is to never lose sight of who we are...to never give up on what we want to accomplish...and to always seek happiness....and always add to each others' happiness. 

I believe if we can do this, we can have a very long and healthy relationship.

Gift To Myself...

I've been wanting to write this post, but wasn't sure when a good time would be.

First of all I was worried I may not stick to the promise I made with myself...secondly I'm not sure how what I am about to write will relate to any of you. Although I must admit most of what I write I question how relevant it is.

In any case, on December 24, 2012, I gave myself a present. For 3 years I weighed myself morning and night. In the beginning I was not attached to a number, I was just curious of what eating healthy and working out would result in. My goal from the very beginning of my weight loss journey, was never to get to a number.

Then something happened along the way, especially when I got thinner and thinner. I became focused on becoming a certain weight, than maintaining that weight.

Problem was, my body was on overdrive...I was stressed and I was burning calories without even trying to. I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight. Every person's dream come true.

Unfortunately, actually fortunately, that stress dissipated and my body was no longer over working itself. And I started gaining weight. Most would say, much needed weight.

Me, I liked the way I looked. I liked the super thin, sick look. I know, I know...not healthy. But I have to be honest, I liked the way I looked and the way I felt. And I LOVED that I could eat what I wanted and not gain weight.

That being said, my body needed something else. It needed a little more fat, and more muscle. And so from February to December I gained 15 lbs. When I got to my thinnest I had lost 54 lbs...but again it was never originally about a number, it was about being healthy and happy.

So when I kept seeing my weight increase from February through December, I decided for Christmas I would gift myself with the present of no longer weighing myself. Of staying true to my goal of just being healthy and happy and loving myself with whatever shape that would transform itself to being.

It hasn't been easy. Actually it's been really difficult. I slipped up once and had a little breakdown. But I didn't continue down a self destructive path...instead I reminded myself of why I eat the way I eat, why I work out the way I do...and I reminded myself of what truly matters to me.

And so I've only slipped up once. And I've stayed true to my promise to myself, my precious gift. And I have not weighed myself since then.

I do eat more than I use to...sometimes I work out only 4-5 days a week. But all in all, I'm happy with the mental progress I have made. Although I'm not perfect.

I find that at time I still criticize my body...am still searching for what I use to have...what I considered perfection. But I'm working on it. I'm not letting it become my goal. I have those thoughts and acknowledge the flaw in that thinking and I move on.

Bear's helping me with it too. When he tells me how beautiful I am, and when I respond with a scoff, he reminds me of how much more positive it is to say thank you in those moments.

He's good at that. Saying thank you, when I compliment him. And there may be times when he doesn't feel like saying it, but he does. I'm working on it. And I can't wait for the day when I say thank you...and actually mean it.

10 Years...

Over the weekend I celebrated my 10 year High School Reunion.

Where has the time gone? 10 years seems a lifetime ago, yet when I was sitting around talking to some classmates I hadn't seen since graduation, I didn't feel like that much time had gone by.

To be honest, I was dreading my reunion. My divorce was just finalized...I'm still getting back on my feet, and I've gained 15 pounds this year. All of these are actually positives, but how do you convey that to someone you haven't seen in 10 years. 

And then, I started talking to my old classmates and all my worries melted away. I realized that the women I was speaking with, well they were all supportive. I went to an all girls Catholic High School. And I truly feel that each and one of us who were there that evening, had grown into amazing young women.

An old classmate of ours posted something on her Facebook about how traumatic HS was for her. How people laughed at her...I think HS, college, life, work, etc. is whatever we make of it. If she could have taken a step back and not played the victim she might have realized in going to the reunion how much everyone has grown.

For me it was a gift being able to see everyone and how happy their lives were. And to share with them just a snippet of what my life has been the past decade.

Finally...

If you noticed the change on my header, you'll know what I'm about to write about.

After one year and 3 months of not knowing the status of my divorce, I finally received confirmation that my divorce has been finalized. And I could not be any happier.

To have this closure, to know I have no more ties to my EH...well it feels like a whole weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Bear's divorce will be finalized in July...part of me worries what if at the last minute he and his wife reconnect. In my heart I don't believe that will happen, but having just been given the gift of finality with my divorce, I feel that I have completed a process...and I'm not sure if someone going through a divorce can truly feel that way unless they have completed all the necessary steps.

Maybe you can...for me, just knowing that technically my EH was still my husband and not my ex-husband had carried some weight to it. Not a lot...but enough to make me want to have it all finalized so that I could let Bear know that for me, he's the only one.

Needless to say, this has been a wonderful gift. And I am looking forward to this chapter of my life.

So Long...

11 days since my last post. It's amazing sometimes to think that 11 days have come and gone and now I am left with memories.

This last weekend Bear came to visit. He met my family, friends, co-workers...really everyone who is important to me in my life. Of course there were some special people in my life he has yet to meet, but as far as a weekend trip goes, he met quite a few.

I think one of the best moments when in a long distance relationship, are those first hellos. When they come off the plane, and suddenly they are in your arms...yes those are the moments that are truly incredible.

Subsequently, one of the most difficult moments when in a a long distance relationship, are the good-byes.

When I said good-bye to Bear yesterday, I realized how badly I wanted to be able to slow down time. I thought about how quickly the weekend went by and how if maybe I had just stopped for a moment or two, I could have made time go by a little more slowly than it did.

Of course that's not possible, especially when you are having so much fun. But when I see him again, I am going to make an effort to not let the moments fly by...to really breathe deeply and slow myself down. I may not be able to slow time, but I can make myself take a minute or two to appreciate all that is happening with us.

And instead of good-bye...I think I'm going to take a chapter out of my great-grandmother's book and say "So Long," which has less finality to it. That being said...so long Bear...until we meet again.

Allow It...

Change...what does change really mean for your life? For me, it means growth. I know I've said it before, but I think it's worth repeating again. When you are thrown into uncomfortable situations, I believe, you grow. Well...let me reword that. When I am thrown into an uncomfortable situation, I tend to grow as a person.

Especially when the situation is unfamiliar. Whether it's divorce, a shift at work, a new relationship, whatever the situation that I may be faced with, unexpected or expected, there is one thing I can be sure of when facing those moments head on. I will grow. I will learn something new about myself.

And in the end I am left being a stronger, more intuitive, person.

When we remove doubt and fear from the equation, the decisions we make are rooted from a positive space.

I used to doubt the decisions I made that led me to where I am today. I used to think it would have been better if I never dated my EH...if I never married him. And when I expressed this to the therapist I saw right after I was initially told I was being divorced, she told me that in order to stop doubting myself and regretting my past, I would need to start understanding that the decisions I made that led me where I am today were the best decisions I could have made for myself at that moment.

Looking at my past now, I am grateful for everything I have been through. Because my past has led me to where I am today. And I am pretty happy about who and where I am today...and by pretty happy, I really mean I am extremely happy of who and where I am today. 

So for all of you experiencing change in your life...embrace it. Be comforted by the fact that growth is on the horizon, if you allow it to be. 

So Much More...

I love how music can transform and take on a different meaning depending on what your situation is.

During the beginning stages of my divorce process, I would listen to music that I felt I could absolutely relate to, that would bring me to tears.

But those same songs seem to have transformed into something completely different for me now that I am with Bear. It's as if the lyrics I once listened to which brought on so much sadness, well...they now bring hope and love into this life of mine.

For example, I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz...I use to believe that song was written for me and my EH.

When I listen to it now, I just think of Bear.  With all that the two of us have been through...these words mean so much more.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.

Well, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

Aware...

Things with Bear are going great. He's coming down to visit towards the beginning of May and then I am going to go to him for Memorial Day weekend.

Not being near each other makes it difficult, but I definitely appreciate the moments we get to spend together, which is why I really want to be the best version of myself for Bear. I want him to know how much I appreciate him.

I'm grateful for having written this blog. It reminds me of where I was, mistakes I made, and what I want to do differently this time around. I don't want to slip back into the same patterns, repeat the sometimes poor choices I made, and the negative reactions I had to situations.

I don't suspect I will, but of course I want to be aware.

On another note, today is my brother in law's birthday. And I am so thankful for having him in my life. He was there to hold me during some of my darkest moments. He has brought so much laughter and joy into my life. And he is probably one of the most talented people I have ever met. Happy Birthday G.!! Thank you for being the best brother in law a girl could ask for and thank you for making my sister so happy and being such an incredible dad to T. and soon to be D. : )

Sick...

If there is one thing I hate, it's being sick. I absolutely refuse to believe I am getting sick, or am sick even if it means I am coughing up a lung.

I truly believe in mind over matter, and most times can talk myself out of being sick.

Unfortunately I was not able to this time.

I usually try as best as I can to rest, take care of myself, and load myself up with vitamins, but it seems this cold has a way of taking over.

I couldn't take off work, but ultimately had to take off working out...which is when I really know I am sick.

The good thing is, I won't be sick for long and in a couple days I will feel just as great as I did before. And that is something I am looking forward to.

Simply Put...

First off, I love Washington. What a beautiful state and Seattle...well that is a city I could absolutely fall in love with.

I had so much fun with Bear this weekend. From the moment I saw him in the airport, I knew I was right where I needed to be. From the sunflower he bought me...which by the way are my most absolute favorite flower, to the gluten free chocolate cake he had waiting for me back at his place,  the weekend was off to an amazing start.

I tried to soak up every moment I possibly could with him and live very much in the present, because I knew that as soon as I returned home, my mind would wander to him. And as such, I wanted to think back to this incredible weekend.

I think what I like most about Bear, is his complete honesty. And after this weekend, I've come to realize that he is going to be in my life for a very long time. He's the type of person you want by your side, the type of person who you are proud to call a friend.

Simply put, he's my Bear.

Best Part...

Tomorrow I am off for a new adventure.

I treasure these moments of my life. Excitement, uncertainty, all emotions that make me grow.

I love knowing that by the end of this weekend, I will have learned something new about myself.

And of course I can't wait to see Bear. Ya...that will be the best part.

Smitten...

So one week from today I'll be going to Washington to visit Bear.

I joke that after this weekend we'll see if he still likes me, but part of me is worried.

Worried because we had an amazing weekend together, but who knows maybe I'm not going to be the person he remembers me to be.

That's the thing about getting to know someone and liking someone. There are many doubts. I try to not let them creep into my head, but unfortunately sometimes I find they've already nestled their way in there.

It's a little terrifying to like someone and to wonder what it is they really think about you. So that's where I am...completely smitten with Bear, and sort of trying to figure out what it is he thinks about me.

Of course, it would be much better if I just stopped thinking and just enjoyed every moment.

Most Likely Me...

There's something about dancing that makes me so incredibly happy. My two sisters are unbelievable dancers.

Many years ago, I had taken a class with my older sister and I didn't have my contacts in. We were wearing identical outfits...yes even at 16 and 18. When I looked in the mirror I found myself in awe of how well I was dancing. And I began to dance harder than before. And every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I was amazed at how awesome I was...turns out I was looking at my sister.

I can only imagine what I looked like, but it taught me a great lesson...don't hold back. Especially when it comes to dancing. 

And so, whenever I feel stressed or anxious, I tend to bust out some moves. It really makes me slow down in life and enjoy the moment.

You'll often find me dancing at work...and not just a little jig here and there, but full out dancing.

You'll also most likely find me to be the first on a dance floor if there so happens to be one where I'm at.

I'm not the best dancer...not the worst. But I do enjoy it. So if you ever see some crazy girl dancing away to the beat of her own drum, it's most likely me.

Bear...

Oh where to begin, where to begin. Friday night I went out to meet up with some friends at a local bar. A girlfriend of mine, P., had a friend in town for the weekend. She had told me we would get along since we were so much alike.

Sometimes you wonder whether or not that's actually going to happen. For me, I think that's because I am so different depending on which group of people I am with. I like to say I am either an audience member observing, or I'm the actor on stage performing. It just depends.

So I wasn't entirely sure whether or not this guy would actually be as much like me as she thought.

When I first met him, I really couldn't help but smile. He gives off this energy that's confident yet not cocky. He's just really sure of who he is as a person, and it's attractive.

The only thing was, I thought he was interested in someone else. Not that that bothered me, because I always figure what is meant to happen will happen. It just meant I wasn't going to get in the way.

And instead, I would dance as much as possible that night,  letting go of all my worries and troubles of the day. And in case I haven't mentioned before, I love to dance. Love love love to dance.

I danced for a while, went back to the group, talked a little more to the guy that was in town, and then tried to get everyone to dance with me. I had been told this new guy loved to dance, about just as much as me. So if anything we would enjoy a good dance break together.

It was fun being out on the dance floor, and after a while the party sort of split up, people going their own ways.

At that point, I was ready to go home...seeing as though it was well past my 10pm bedtime. But my friend P. convinced me to stay saying her friend was interested in me.

I never really believe it when someone says that, but it was worth it to stick around and see if maybe he truly was.

I found him, and we started talking and i couldn't help but be drawn to his character. He's so genuinely nice, that I again found myself smiling, a lot.

He left for a minute and my friend P. said she knew we would get along and the great thing about him, was that he was 28 and getting divorced too.

I couldn't believe it...he came back to the table and P. told him about my situation and how we were in the same boat.

I've never felt so relieved and comforted knowing there was someone else who would completely understand what I have been going through.

And thus began a whirlwind of a weekend in which I fell for this guy, whom I will refer to as Bear from this point forward.

Bear and I, we are very much alike. And now he's back home many miles away, but I'm hoping there will be more to this story...there is already so much more I haven't shared.

But I do believe he is in my life for a reason, whatever that reason may be I will find out.

Days Like Today...

There is nothing more that I love than spending time with my friends and family. Take today for example, I woke up early and trained with my two girlfriends in the park.

At 7:15 in the morning, the park is peaceful, beautiful, and absolutely perfect to do a workout in. Following that I went home spent some time with my dogs, talked with my mom, then headed on my way to my sister's to play with my niece.

In all honesty, there is nothing that makes me happier than days like today. These are the days I look forward to. These are the days that keep me smiling. I hope you all have days like these that do the same.

Derek...

Sometimes I hear a song, watch a movie, read a book, and am totally inspired. To go on an adventure, turn my life around, try something new, approach life differently.

This week was no different. My brother in law introduced me to a show created by Ricky Gervais...Derek. And really the show is about kindness. Someone who is so pure and kind and does not have a bad bone in his body. I found myself crying during some of the episodes.

It's pretty amazing when something, like a TV show,can touch you in a way you didn't even expect.

I know I am a kind person, but this show inspired me to be even better, to be kinder, and to continue to be happy. I believe kindness and happiness are the meaning of life. 

Got in the Way...

Honestly, I have been meaning to write a post for some time now. And then life, as it does, got in the way.

It was those little moments that turn into one amazing memory called life that got in the way.

A letter from a dear friend in Ireland.

A date with someone I met at the Speed Dating event.

Going to a singles mixer.

A Friday night Fit Club, meeting new friends and being inspired to be the best version of me, which is something I have said continuously throughout the year.

A night out for a friend's birthday.

Dancing the night away.

Celebrating St. Patrick's Day...wearing green, drinking green, eating green.

Having brunch with two friends.

Working out...personal training appointments.

Work.

Talking with my best friend who lives too far away for my liking.

Seeing a friend for the first time since she left for a 7 month world traveling extravaganza.

Enjoying seeing friends from high school.

Going to the movies and seeing my best friend's husband's name in the credits.

Snuggling my 4 dogs.

Taking naps on my days off.

Finding out that my cousin's wife got into two great film schools. 

Seeing my niece's first dance recital.

You see it's all these simple little moments that got in the way. These little moments that will turn into one great big memory; that have made me look at life and think to myself how incredibly lucky I am. And how much I love my life.

Speed Dating...

I feel like it's been a while since I have posted something, but in reality it's only been a week. It could be possibly because I feel so much has gone on this last week, I almost don't know where to begin.

First, the 28th would have been my anniversary, but needless to say the day went by and I didn't feel all that sad. There were moments, of course, but overall it was a very uneventful day. In other words it was perfect.

Secondly, last night I went to a speed dating event. My girlfriend asked me a couple months ago to go with her, and well, at that time March 4th seemed so far away. But as it always does, time catches up and there it was, the day of our speed dating event.

I have to say the experience was something I had never, ever, encountered before. It was all surreal. The ladies sit on one side of the table and the guys have to go table to table. You have anywhere from 3-6 minutes with a "date" which means you have 3-6 minutes to learn all you can about someone.

At the end of the event, you choose your top guys and if you choose a guy who has also chosen you for his top pick, well then you have a match and you are given contact information. It just so happens I had 4 matches. And apparently, according to the dating service, I was popular amongst the guys, and they have asked me to join their Preferred Dater Club. Which either they send that to everyone, or I have just been asked to join the popular crowd...in any case the first thing that came through my mind when I saw my matches was as follows:

Hmmm, ok #1, was he the one who told me I looked like a body builder, or was he the one who roller blades for fun because his spiritual leader told him he needed to get more in touch with his body. Was #2  the guy who asked me if I ever tried guinea pig, because he loves to eat while in Peru as well as rabbit.  #3 he's got to be the one with a pet bunny, who's owned a total of 8 bunnies over the years. #4 could be the guy who started the date as if it were a business transaction or possibly the one who talked way too close for comfort. And any of them could have been the one who asked me what my favorite swear word was.

Yup....all of that happened. And even more. I do wish I could have videoed the whole experience as it was quite amusing and draw dropping. Would I do it again...probably not. But it was definitely worth it to do once in my life. I can also say I have completed another goal for 2013. Dating more. In fact, I had a total of 12 dates. So mission completed.

Perspective...

When we begin to change our perspective and center our attention on something other than what we have been so focused on, our eyes become open to new and sometimes even better experiences.

When I decided to be a vegan, I became aware of some amazing recipes, restaurants, books, etc. that I wasn't necessarily aware of before. And I benefited from those new experiences.

I can tell you when I shifted my energy on being happy, my life changed for the better. And whenever I find myself getting angry, sad, or frustrated, I remind myself that by focusing on those emotions I am only closing myself off to better and greater moments.

Of course, throughout our life, our perspective will continually change, however I hope to never lose sight of what I know to be most important. Happiness.

Planning...

I read in a book recently that planning your life in advance will help you be more successful. And while I believe this to be somewhat true, I do feel that too much planning  can get in the way of living.

I use to plan every meal of mine for the week. I knew what I would have for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And I rarely strayed from it. It was one of the ways I lost the weight that I did. Since I've been home, I haven't been planning. I've allowed myself to enjoy not having so much control.

It's not always easy. Sometimes I stress about what I will have for dinner...how many calories I've eaten...but overall I've found that not planning has made my life a little more enjoyable.

It is also the reason I have gained some weight this last year, but as long as I continue to work out my 5-7 days and eat healthy for the majority of my meals, I do believe I am doing OK.

I've learned that as we go through life our priorities continuously shift. I know what I would need to do in order to lose this extra weight, but in my life right now, that isn't a priority.

There are far too many other aspects of my life that take the lead and I like where it is taking me.

A Year In Review...

A year ago today my life changed for what I now see as the better. But it doesn't make the memory of last year any easier. What I do know, I don't need my EH to celebrate Valentine's Day. I have my family and friends to celebrate the wonder that is love.

I read through all my posts from the last year, and I am so proud of how far I've come and all that I have accomplished. In the beginning, I wrote about wanting to crawl up in a ball and just not have to face what I was going through. I didn't do that though. Instead I went on with life and made myself do things I didn't always feel like doing. But that I knew would benefit me when the year ended. Here are just a few of my highlights from this year. 

I moved home.
I invested in therapy.
I've had 6 different hair colors.
I got 3 new tattoos (sorry mom and dad).
I bottled, waxed and labeled my uncle's wine.
I made new friends and kept the old...turns out both are gold.
I traveled to San Diego, Colorado, Canada, and Boston.
I had an artist sing me a song on YouTube.
I received 2 promotions at work.
I went to the opening of Carsland and went to Disneyland many times.
I had the privilege of visiting Walt Disney's Apartment.
I broke up with Adele...and am currently back together with her.
I bought a new car.
I signed Divorce papers TWICE.
I watched a movie in the park.
I went Skydiving.
I went on a couple blind group dates.
I went vegan for 6 months.
I forgave myself.
I forgave my EH.
I took myself to dinners and movies, and enjoyed many dinners and nights with my friends and family.
I consistently blogged.
I ran a half marathon.
I tried new exercises, including the Santa Monica stairs.
I surprised my dad with my mom and niece for his 60th birthday.
I went on hikes.

 And there we have it, the short list of things I did other than crawl into a hole and hide away from life.

As I said, a year ago today my life changed for what I now see as the better. And today was no different.

Every Valentine's Day my dad gives me a piece of jewelry usually with a heart on it...each one means so much to me. And my heart necklace from my dad today has been a constant reminder of the love I have felt from my friends and family. I consider each of you my Valentine this year. Without you, your love, and your support, this year would not have been filled with all the smiles, laughs and joy that it was filled with. Happy Valentine's Day to you all!

Challenge Myself...

One of my favorite things to do on my days off, is to try a new exercise. I love to challenge myself and set new goals, ones that are not easy to accomplish. Thursday of last week, my friend and I decided to meet up and head to the Santa Monica stairs.

This would be the first time I would run these stairs. Since I didn't know what to expect, I decided to read reviews. I'm not sure if that was a good idea because some of the reviews made me question my decision to go along with my friend. I thought maybe we would run 4-6 sets of stairs, seeing as though most reviewers had said after 4-6 sets they couldn't walk for a couple days after. Well 4-6  quickly turned into 10 when my friend said, "I'm thinking we can do 10 stairs!"

Sure, why not. I mean, I did just run a half marathon, so 10 stairs can't be that bad. I began to mentally prepare myself for what was ahead. I couldn't have imagined what was to come.

After the first set of stairs, I knew it was going to be a challenge to finish 10 of them. What I didn't anticipate was my friend saying we should do 13.

You'd think 3 sets more would be nothing...let me tell on set 10, three more is almost unbearable. But we did it, and now, now I am setting a goal to accomplish 20.

I have to say, running the half marathon was in some respects easier than the stairs. And with the way my new exercise adventures are going, I'm curious with what is in store for me next : )

13.1...

Yesterday I completed my first goal for 2013. Running a half marathon. This was no easy feat for me as I am not a long distance runner. I'm a sprinter. In high school, I was on the track team and running the mile was painful for me. So painful in fact, that my sister could hear my labored breathing from the stands as I was running around the track. And after high school, I lost motivation to run...to exercise...to be healthy.

That was before I lost the 50 lbs... more like 40 these days. But nevertheless, at the beginning of my weight loss journey I had wanted to run a half marathon with a friend. When we started, I couldn't even run a mile. We never got around to it that year or the three years after, but when a friend of mine asked me around Christmas time a little over a month ago, if I wanted to run a half marathon, I jumped at the opportunity.

I knew it would be one of my many goals for 2013. I couldn't risk signing up for one later on in the year, I knew I had to do it as soon as possible. So I signed up for the February 3rd race, and I had a little over 4 weeks to prepare.

It wasn't easy, but nothing ever worth working for is. My first 6 mile run was brutal...I had the wrong shoes, and my feet were in so much pain. My brother in law decided I needed the best of the best, and for Christmas gave me a new pair of running shoes, which carried me through my training and race. My training consisted of a 9 mile run...8 mile run...and last but not least I ran 10 miles before the big race. Each run was different, beautiful in its own way.

When I run, I enjoy the nature around me...I enjoy the music in my ears...and my mind lets go of all things taking up space. It's like meditating.

On the day of the race, I got up at 4am, left at 5am and drove an hour and a half to where I would be running. I met up with my friend and got situated. Then it was 15 minutes before the start of the race, 10 minutes, 5 minutes, and go time. Unfortunately, my Pandora wouldn't work....my running station I had worked to perfect would not play because of the sea of people around me. Luckily, I had backup music, just not what I was use to listening to.

 I had a difficult time adjusting at first..with so many people around me, I felt claustrophobic. I couldn't relax and enjoy everything around me, as all I saw were people. Then there was the water stops. It was a hell of a time figuring out the best method in which to get the water cup, drink while running, and then tossing the cup in the trash, as I felt strange throwing it on the ground like the others. It was all very different than what I was expecting.

As was the GU they pass to you...or the mini protein bars. I'm pretty sure every picture taken of me during the race is of me eating. At one point I had a bowl in front of me from a person on the sidelines...and after grabbing what I thought would be more energy snacks, I realized I had a fist full of M&Ms...and instead of tossing them aside, I ate them. Thinking I was doing what all the other racers were doing.

Now that I think about it, I'm pretty sure that person wasn't a staff member and I probably took M&Ms from a stranger. Nevertheless that snack got me to my 8 mile mark. Which was like mile 13 for the marathon runners. And if you're like me, you'll not realize until much later the markers for the marathon runners, are NOT the markers for the half marathon runners, and therefore you are not at mile 9 or 13 you are at mile 4 or 8.

In my practice run, mile 8 had been a challenge. Toes burning, calves cramping, quads aching. But mile 8 in the race was much different. I didn't feel too bad. Mile 10 on the other hand...mile 10 called for a 10 second calf stretching break. And I'm happy that I did...it helped with the remaining 3 miles.

At 10.5 miles, I decided to put on relaxing music. A little George Winston to calm me down. It was great until I hit mile 11. At mile 11, a love song written by my EH and brother in law, to my sister and me came on blasting over my earphones. LET ME TELL YOU...that is the LAST song you want playing at mile 11. As soon as I got my bearings straight and slowed my run to a fast walk I was able to change the song and finish the remainder 2 miles. And nothing felt more amazing then the last tenth of a mile. I felt my speed pick up, I had strangers cheering me on, strangers saying they were proud of us and it was incredible. The feeling at the end of the race is like no other.

And getting a medal...well that's just icing on the cake. 13.1 miles, a few blisters, and a medal later, I'm proud to say I completed my first goal of the year. I can't wait to see what the next 11 months look like.

According To Me...

We are one month into the new year and in two weeks I will be celebrating the anniversary of my freedom. I say freedom, not because my EH had me shackled living in a basement. I say freedom, because although I have gone through the worst heart break I could ever imagine this past year, I have also experienced life in a whole new exciting way.

I do have lingering shock, denial, sadness, love, anger, resentment, pretty much all the emotions one feels when rejected by someone they love. But overall, I have gained my freedom. To live life according to me, and only me.

Just As I Am...

I am so ridiculously happy in  my life right now. So content with me. I kept going back and forth with thinking about dating, not dating, etc. when I realized I don't have to worry about it. It will happen when it happens.

I started reading Life Without Limits by Nick Vujicic and the purpose of his book is to help the reader live a ridiculously happy life. Everything he writes, is everything I have been saying this past year. I can't say that if I had picked up his book a year ago, that I would have understood his message. I believe that I fell upon his book when I did, because I could actually read and understand what he has to say and at the same time relate it to what I have been saying.

In the end it's about being positive even if being positive doesn't seem possible. Being happy, when being happy doesn't seem possible. Because over time, you actually start to feel happy.

Take me for example, at times when people would ask me how I was doing, I would say that I was doing good. Even if I didn't feel it. Did they know I was faking it…probably. Did they think the smile I plastered on my face was a fake one…pretty likely.

But today, today they look at me and they see someone who is ridiculously happy. Someone living in the moment. I had a friend from high school, who I have known for 14 years, tell me the other night that she has never seen me this happy, or this present. It was such a compliment, because I didn't ask her, she offered this insight with no prompting.

And the truth is I am ridiculously happy. Why? Because I am happy with who I am and what I am doing.

Have a had some bumps along the way…hell yes. Just the other day I got a speeding ticket for going 75mph in a 65 zone. I took it as a sign to slow down. And slow down I have.

Did I get passed up for a promotion at work? Yes, but I look at is at time to grow and an opportunity to show my bosses just what I can do and how much I can do.

Am I single? Has it been almost a year since I've been on a real date? Yes. But I'm okay with that. Because to be honest, I am happy with being with just me at the time being. And when the time is right, I believe I will meet someone who will be worth my time to date.

In truth these are all things I don't have to worry about. Because worrying about them will do nothing for me. Instead I can continue to focus on being the best me possible and loving me. Just as I am.

Home...

I was sitting at a Starbucks…which by the way if you asked me months I ago, I would have told you you would never catch me at a Starbucks. See, on 3 separate occasions I got hair in my Starbucks' drinks. I felt it was a sign. Now, not so much. Their very berry hibiscus keeps me coming back for more. Which I am grateful for.

For at that moment, I saw an old man reading his magazine holding off going to his "home." Not a home that you or I know, but a home meant for only older people, whose families can't take care of them any more. I know he's procrastinating, because he started talking to a worker, and being someone who likes to people watch and yes, eavesdrop, I learned this dear old man, just couldn't handle the thought of going back to his "home."

I couldn't help but feel bonded with this man. I too know what it was like to not want to go to a place that didn't feel like home. A place where your loved one wasn't near. It's hard to consider it your home, when it feels anything but.

It seems though in those moments, there's always someone or something to carry you through. For this man, his little companion did just that for him.  A dog, who could only show him affection and love.

In time, I was able to feel home again. And I hope one day soon, this little old man feels home again. If only with his little dog.

Kicking A**...

I would love to share with all of you an exercise I've been doing with a friend. If you want, you can take this exercise pass it along and/or do it yourself. I have more content with myself and life ever since starting this, and my hope is maybe you will too.

What is the exercise you ask....here it goes:

Every night we email each other 3 things we did that day for our health, something we are going to do the following day for our health and something we love about our body/self.

So much of our thoughts can be focused on negative energy especially when it comes to ourselves. Wanting to look a certain way, not appreciating our bodies and being overall critical of the way we look.

Turning negative thoughts into positive thoughts are not easy. But it's a great habit to start forming. Some nights I sit and stare at my email trying to think of something I like about myself. But when I acknowledge something I do like, I feel immediate happiness.

Here are a few things I've emailed. I thought I would share them with you, and spread the happiness. And when I said few, I meant here's almost everything...

I ran 8.65miles today and listened to my body and didn't push myself further than necessary today.

I took a nap during the late afternoon and plan on getting 8 hours of sleep tonight.

I took time to read today and exercise my brain. Something I feel is just as important as exercising the body.

I love my short hair. People always ask me when I am going to grow my hair out and honestly I don't know if or when I will. I love how easy it is to style in the morning and I think it shows off my eyes...which I also love.

I think my calves are nice. They are strong and muscular.

I didn't use my phone once while driving.

I drank a lot of water today and kept hydrated.

I love my happy face tattoo made out of my freckles. Every time I see her I smile.

I worked out after work, despite being exhausted from the long day.

I ate a healthy dinner, full of protein and vegetables.

I ate a healthy snack before working out so that I could be at my full potential.

Tomorrow I will not be critical of my thighs. The moment I have a negative thought I will turn it into a positive one.

I like my wrists. I think they are feminine and I don't wear a lot of jewelry on them because I like to show them off : )

I tried a new healthy snack today and it was amazing. Alive and Radiant Veggie Crunch- Sweet Onion. Raw, gluten free and vegan : )

Every time I had a negative thought about my body I turned it into a positive thought.

Tomorrow I will only speak positively about myself and others.

I like my pinkies. I use to have 6 fingers on each hand, an extra finger coming from my pinkies. For a long time I wanted the scars removed, now I realize how unique they make me and the story they tell.

I didn't stop smiling today. My hope was to spread happiness to all who came in my path today.

Tomorrow, I will meditate through any and all stressful moments.

I like my arms. Sometimes I am critical of them but today I woke up and looked at myself in the mirror and decided to be grateful for them and love them.

I woke up ready to work out and realized if I did I wouldn't have given my body the day off it deserved. I got back into bed, slept another hour and then went to get coffee with my friend before heading into work. It was amazing.

When I woke up this morning I prayed to God to help me through the day to help me listen to my body. When it was full and when it needed sustenance. Although I had frozen yogurt in the evening, I felt as far as the day went, I really was in control of my eating.

I had back to back work outs this morning. And it felt amazing. To have back to back work outs on my day off definitely made me smile.

I hung out with friends today. A friend from my Bible Study and girlfriends from the gym. With the girlfriends from the gym we went to Malibu Wines, had, on a whole, healthy snacks and we danced. It felt so nice to not have to be at work, even though I love my job.

Tomorrow I will run 10 miles. And I will be proud of my accomplishment.

I am learning to love my nose. In grade school I was called Pig Nose. I use to have kids snort at me. But what happened in the past has no bearing of how I should feel in the present. And I am learning to do just that.

And there you have it. It really isn't difficult or too time consuming. What it does, it makes you take a look at the positives in your life. It makes you appreciate, or begin to appreciate your body, your self. And it makes you accountable for the goal you set the following day.  2013 is already kicking ASS.

Worth the Wait...

Well ladies and possibly gentlemen, I have learned something very important regarding this dating world that I am now living in; women, girls, whatever you want to call them, are aggressive. I mean, alpha male aggressive.

I have been witness to things I do not wish to see, and yet could not tear my eyes away from. Girls throwing themselves on guys that have said, "No, not gonna happen."

It seems the more a guy says no, the more of a game it becomes for these girls. Actually, I should say more of a challenge.

What strikes me as odd though, is that these guys are actually expecting girls to throw themselves at them. They are no longer approaching the women first. It's baffling, and a little scary to say the least.

Scary because if I'm expected to be one of these women, it ain't gonna happen. I will not, I repeat, WILL NOT, lower my morals or standards. I just won't. And what I've concluded is that any guy worth my time or energy, they won't want a girl to do this.

I am confident there are a few remaining true gentlemen. It may take a little longer to meet them, but that's okay. I'll hold out for those few. They are worth it. Just like I am worth the wait.

9.16 Miles...

Like many I tend to set new goals for myself at the beginning of each year. Actually I ended up accomplishing most of my goals for 2012 before the year ended and then some. Which I am very proud of.

For 2013, I decided to continue to do things that make me happy and to be the best me possible. I think every year, everyone should set this goal for themselves and see where it takes them. For me it has taken me on a journey of completing a half marathon.

I'm not much of a runner. Last year, I started running because I hadn't found a gym as much as the one I loved back at home...the one I go to now. When I moved back home, I simply stopped running because I didn't need to use that as my form of exercise anymore.

Nevertheless, when I started training for this half marathon, I realized how quickly you lose your running skills. I no longer was able to zone out and appreciate the relaxation running can bring you. The most difficult part of relearning to run long distance, is turning off the thoughts in my head. The negative thoughts that say, "you're not good enough, you won't make it." The thoughts that limit your potential. As my training partner has said, the mind can be so limiting. And it's true.

We are so much more capable of doing incredible things in our life, but often times we let our minds dictate what we can and can't do.

And not just with running. With so many aspects of life.

So today I turned off those negative thoughts and I ran 9.16 miles. That's 9.16 miles closer to running a half marathon.

2013...

Happy New Year's everyone!

I was going to reflect on 2012, the ups and downs...how far I've come. But really when I think of 2012, I think of new beginnings, new adventures, and unconditional love. My divorce...doesn't seem as significant as some of these other milestones in my life.

I thought I would also write about my New Year's Eve...how it compared to last year, but in the end it was another night of doing things, and going places I would never had done or gone to. I think the best part of my New Year's was spending time with my beautiful friend, who never ceases to make me laugh and enjoy the moment.

I will say, this New Year's I made sure to have my family with me, in spirit of course. A ring from my older sister, a bracelet from my younger, and a dress from my parents. As I rung in 2013, I had everyone I wanted with me. Including you. I thought about this blog and how it has transformed and how I can't wait to read back one day where I started and where I have ended.

I have a girlfriend who is writing a blog about her travels in Ireland...her semester abroad. In her first post she wrote about finding herself....I think the amazing thing about life is that you are continually finding yourself. Continually blossoming into an even better version of yourself, if you so choose.

The fact is, no one has the answer. We all make mistakes. But in order to grow we have to learn from these mistakes. And 2013 will be just that, another learning experience, with its own ups and downs and incredible adventures.

2012 was great...2013 will be even better.