Since I found out my EH was filing for divorce, I truly started to emotionally eat. Not that I loss complete self control, but by the time night came around I was over eating as a way to help with my anxiety.
If you asked anyone I know, they would tell you I look fine and that I shouldn't worry. But it isn't the amount of calories I am consuming that bothers me, as much as it is why I am doing it.
About two weeks ago I decided to slowly get back into a habit of not depending on food to provide me comfort. Whenever I attempt to change my lifestyle, I do it slowly so as not to be overwhelmed.
My first step was taking chicken out of my diet. I don't eat any other meats, so you would think this would be easy... it's not. I love chicken. But with all of the new studies coming out regarding carcinogens found in chicken, I decided it was time to take it out. In it's replacement I found an amazing product, Vega One and Vega Sport, to provide me with the protein I would need to help sustain my active lifestyle. Their products are all plant based and gluten free, which I have been for over a year.
As I looked further into their products, I came across a book written by a vegan triathlete. And his story and success has inspired me to head towards a vegan diet. He has teamed with Vega One and if you visit their website you can sign up for a 30 day challenge. He truly helps to transition you into a vegan lifestyle.
Now, Memorial Day, I cheated. I definitely had cheese, but the next morning when I woke up feeling bloated and sick, I realized that since I had already been limiting the amount of dairy prior to that day, my body had a weird reaction, which has prompted me to try to take it completely out of my diet.
Will I have set backs, most likely, will I eat cheese every once in a while....I'm going to have to say yes, but I am definitely going to work hard at making my diet primarily vegan. I'll let you know how it goes and in regards to my divorce, how my diet affects my emotional wellness during this process.
I hope everyone had a great Memorial Day and that you all celebrated the heroes in your life. I know I did; from my side of the family and my EH's side of the family. I am thankful for their service and sacrifice as well as countless others.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Someone to lean on...
There are moments that come up when I really wish I had my EH to lean on for support. Someone to discuss my fears with, my hopes with, and my stress with and at the same time share all my love with.
I understand the importance of being happy with yourself, fulfilled with yourself, but having someone who you can lean on in times of difficulty makes them so much easier to wade through.
Sure I could call a friend, or talk to my family, but there are just some things I don't feel like bothering them with. And not that it would necessarily bother them, but I would feel that I am.
When you're married you share all of those moments with your partner, and there's an understanding that the challenges you face alone become challenges you face together.
I miss having my EH by my side taking on those battles with me. He was a great warrior in my life, and I loved knowing he was there to support, love and comfort me.
I understand the importance of being happy with yourself, fulfilled with yourself, but having someone who you can lean on in times of difficulty makes them so much easier to wade through.
Sure I could call a friend, or talk to my family, but there are just some things I don't feel like bothering them with. And not that it would necessarily bother them, but I would feel that I am.
When you're married you share all of those moments with your partner, and there's an understanding that the challenges you face alone become challenges you face together.
I miss having my EH by my side taking on those battles with me. He was a great warrior in my life, and I loved knowing he was there to support, love and comfort me.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Independent woman...
This post may just turn out to be one of those "Guess you had to be there" moments but I'm going to go ahead and share this story anyways. Mainly because when I think of it, it makes me laugh. And we all deserve a good laugh now and again.
About a year and a half, two years ago, I woke and realized my EH was still sleeping, which was unusual because he usually was up making me my coffee and breakfast in the morning. I know, I know...I was one lucky gal.
But this morning was different. He obviously needed the sleep and he looked so peaceful, so I decided that I would make my own coffee and breakfast. Actually, I never had a problem with doing that but my EH always enjoyed cooking and I do believe that particular morning routine was just one of his ways of showing his love for me.
Well that morning, I did it all by myself. And to be honest, it was nice to do something so methodical before heading into work. Well, as I was walking to my car I heard my EH stumbling behind me, half asleep. I turned around to tell him, "Good morning, I love you" but before I could get out the words he yelled at me, "What, you an independent woman now?"
I couldn't help but laugh. There he stood with his messed up hair, sleepy eyes, full of confusion and frustration that I went ahead and made my own breakfast. I walked him back inside, back to the room where he quickly passed out on the bed again.
I loved knowing that even half asleep, my EH still wanted to take care of me. It was a very sweet gesture. Very sweet indeed and every time I think of that moment, with him standing in front of the house, I can't help but laugh.
Well, today I am an independent woman. No one to make me breakfast, no one to take care of me. I wonder how he feels knowing that. A couple years ago, he would have been stumbling out of the house, today he's off doing who knows what with who knows who... It's weird to think someone can love you so strongly and deeply and then they can turn it off so easily. But it's equally nice to know someone loved you so strongly and deeply they would do anything for you. I'm fortunate to have had that in my life and maybe one day it will happen again, but if not I'll have memories like these to keep me smiling.
About a year and a half, two years ago, I woke and realized my EH was still sleeping, which was unusual because he usually was up making me my coffee and breakfast in the morning. I know, I know...I was one lucky gal.
But this morning was different. He obviously needed the sleep and he looked so peaceful, so I decided that I would make my own coffee and breakfast. Actually, I never had a problem with doing that but my EH always enjoyed cooking and I do believe that particular morning routine was just one of his ways of showing his love for me.
Well that morning, I did it all by myself. And to be honest, it was nice to do something so methodical before heading into work. Well, as I was walking to my car I heard my EH stumbling behind me, half asleep. I turned around to tell him, "Good morning, I love you" but before I could get out the words he yelled at me, "What, you an independent woman now?"
I couldn't help but laugh. There he stood with his messed up hair, sleepy eyes, full of confusion and frustration that I went ahead and made my own breakfast. I walked him back inside, back to the room where he quickly passed out on the bed again.
I loved knowing that even half asleep, my EH still wanted to take care of me. It was a very sweet gesture. Very sweet indeed and every time I think of that moment, with him standing in front of the house, I can't help but laugh.
Well, today I am an independent woman. No one to make me breakfast, no one to take care of me. I wonder how he feels knowing that. A couple years ago, he would have been stumbling out of the house, today he's off doing who knows what with who knows who... It's weird to think someone can love you so strongly and deeply and then they can turn it off so easily. But it's equally nice to know someone loved you so strongly and deeply they would do anything for you. I'm fortunate to have had that in my life and maybe one day it will happen again, but if not I'll have memories like these to keep me smiling.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Breaking Point...
Some days I feel like I am at my breaking point. Trying to get my EH to talk to me, working two jobs and not having one day off, the feeling of being alone, and then whatever crap that seems to come my way. And on top of it trying to smile throughout it all. It isn't easy, and I'm almost at the point of throwing my hands in the air and saying f***k it all.
But that won't help the situation. In fact it will just be putting off the inevitable. And so I keep forging through and in the end I'll be better for it.
Which is why I have decided to start tackling each situation. First things first, getting my EH to communicate so we can settle things. And if he continues to refuse, I will be making a 400 mile trip to get it figured out. I've been told by my therapist I need to be more assertive when it comes to my EH...not aggressive but assertive.
To be honest though, any time I think I'm being assertive it probably comes off as aggressive to him, which is one of the reasons I am trying to be pleasant. I don't want to come off as an aggressive person. I already carry so much guilt in being that way during our marriage, and instead of feeling guilty about the way I am reacting in this situation years from now, I'd rather be pleasant and know I handled the situation as best I could.
But I do need to take care of things, and so I must work on being assertive...driving up and being proactive seems like a good start. It's time to make an adjustment, otherwise you will all be peeling me off the ceiling ; )
But that won't help the situation. In fact it will just be putting off the inevitable. And so I keep forging through and in the end I'll be better for it.
Which is why I have decided to start tackling each situation. First things first, getting my EH to communicate so we can settle things. And if he continues to refuse, I will be making a 400 mile trip to get it figured out. I've been told by my therapist I need to be more assertive when it comes to my EH...not aggressive but assertive.
To be honest though, any time I think I'm being assertive it probably comes off as aggressive to him, which is one of the reasons I am trying to be pleasant. I don't want to come off as an aggressive person. I already carry so much guilt in being that way during our marriage, and instead of feeling guilty about the way I am reacting in this situation years from now, I'd rather be pleasant and know I handled the situation as best I could.
But I do need to take care of things, and so I must work on being assertive...driving up and being proactive seems like a good start. It's time to make an adjustment, otherwise you will all be peeling me off the ceiling ; )
Sunday, May 13, 2012
To all you Moms...
Happy Mother's Day! Especially to my mom who has shown me where strength and determination can lead you. Mommy, a little over 4 years ago we were told you had 5 hours to live. I didn't think I could get through life without you by my side. But I have realized no matter where you are, you are always with me. I carry you in my heart, and am so thankful to have spent Mother's Day with you today.
And to my forever Mother in Law. I never needed to be married to your son to consider you like a mother. I am so happy to have talked with you today, you mean the world to me. You held me when I was a child, you held me when my mom was in the hospital, and you held me when my EH decided to leave me. You have always been there for me, and you gave me one of the greatest gifts ever. You brought my EH into this world, and without him I wouldn't be the person I am today. For that I will always love you.
To my EH: I hope you celebrated your amazing momma today. She is one incredible lady. And I hope one day you can let go of whatever is holding you down and realize that life is too short to not make time for those you love. It is always possible to take a minute and make a phone call or write a text and tell those people who matter in your life what they mean to you. My mom has always considered you like a son; I do believe she at least deserved a Happy Mother's Day from you.
It's the little gestures in life that can make all the difference : )
And to my forever Mother in Law. I never needed to be married to your son to consider you like a mother. I am so happy to have talked with you today, you mean the world to me. You held me when I was a child, you held me when my mom was in the hospital, and you held me when my EH decided to leave me. You have always been there for me, and you gave me one of the greatest gifts ever. You brought my EH into this world, and without him I wouldn't be the person I am today. For that I will always love you.
To my EH: I hope you celebrated your amazing momma today. She is one incredible lady. And I hope one day you can let go of whatever is holding you down and realize that life is too short to not make time for those you love. It is always possible to take a minute and make a phone call or write a text and tell those people who matter in your life what they mean to you. My mom has always considered you like a son; I do believe she at least deserved a Happy Mother's Day from you.
It's the little gestures in life that can make all the difference : )
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Thank you...
To my EH,
I want to thank you. Thank you for all the times you looked at me and said, "You look beautiful." I took those words for granted and at times fought you on them.
Thank you for the I love yous and for all the times you started the day with a "Good morning my love." I often thought to myself during our relationship and marriage, and often vocalized not feeling loved. And there you were telling me time after time what I wanted to hear, but never cared to listen to.
Thank you for always being on my side, even when I didn't deserve it. Now that I am on my own, I realize how wonderful it is to have someone who loves you so much, they always see the good in you.
Thank you for the breakfasts, coffee in the morning, and dinners. Going to Coffee Bean in the morning just isn't the same and dinners, they can be quite lonely without someone looking over the dinner table and smiling at you.
Thank you for the silly music you would play. I never understood how you could listen to songs like Rack City, but now I do. I miss your dancing and wish I could turn back the time and throw my head back and laugh instead of telling you to turn off the music. You'd be surprised to know I crank that music up in my car and have adopted some of your moves.
Thank you for the kisses and the hugs. I miss those hugs. I seemed to fit so perfectly in your arms and you showed me so much comfort and love and I took them for granted.
Thank you for the wonderful surprises through out the years. The movie nights, the gifts, going to Disneyland, and so much more.
Thank you for keeping my dad company when my mom was in the hospital. For being there when he needed a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for being there for my mom and for loving her as much as I do and making sure the nurses were doing their jobs.
Thank you for being so level headed and calm, when I was not. I am sorry for all the fights I started and for all the times I had to be right. Looking back it was a waste of precious time. If I had known our time was limited, I would do it differently. And it shouldn't have taken this situation to make me realize that.
Thank you for supporting me. For working two jobs. For always wanting better for the two of us. You carried the world on your shoulders, and I will always admire you for that.
There are a million things I could thank you for, but of all them these are the ones I wish I could tell you right now. But since you have cut communication, I can only write them down and one day hope they make their way to you.
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Always and forever,
Your Sharkbite
I want to thank you. Thank you for all the times you looked at me and said, "You look beautiful." I took those words for granted and at times fought you on them.
Thank you for the I love yous and for all the times you started the day with a "Good morning my love." I often thought to myself during our relationship and marriage, and often vocalized not feeling loved. And there you were telling me time after time what I wanted to hear, but never cared to listen to.
Thank you for always being on my side, even when I didn't deserve it. Now that I am on my own, I realize how wonderful it is to have someone who loves you so much, they always see the good in you.
Thank you for the breakfasts, coffee in the morning, and dinners. Going to Coffee Bean in the morning just isn't the same and dinners, they can be quite lonely without someone looking over the dinner table and smiling at you.
Thank you for the silly music you would play. I never understood how you could listen to songs like Rack City, but now I do. I miss your dancing and wish I could turn back the time and throw my head back and laugh instead of telling you to turn off the music. You'd be surprised to know I crank that music up in my car and have adopted some of your moves.
Thank you for the kisses and the hugs. I miss those hugs. I seemed to fit so perfectly in your arms and you showed me so much comfort and love and I took them for granted.
Thank you for the wonderful surprises through out the years. The movie nights, the gifts, going to Disneyland, and so much more.
Thank you for keeping my dad company when my mom was in the hospital. For being there when he needed a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for being there for my mom and for loving her as much as I do and making sure the nurses were doing their jobs.
Thank you for being so level headed and calm, when I was not. I am sorry for all the fights I started and for all the times I had to be right. Looking back it was a waste of precious time. If I had known our time was limited, I would do it differently. And it shouldn't have taken this situation to make me realize that.
Thank you for supporting me. For working two jobs. For always wanting better for the two of us. You carried the world on your shoulders, and I will always admire you for that.
There are a million things I could thank you for, but of all them these are the ones I wish I could tell you right now. But since you have cut communication, I can only write them down and one day hope they make their way to you.
Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
Always and forever,
Your Sharkbite
Monday, May 7, 2012
Compartmentalize...
So I can't tell you the overwhelming loss I am feeling lately. But I am also so happy in many areas of my life. I like to tell people I compartmentalize my life. And let me just tell you, if you don't do this already start practicing. Don't let one negative in your life ruin everything else you have going for you.
For example, I look at my life and I am incredibly happy and thankful for my two jobs, for the health of my family, for being able to exercise 6 days a week, for my friends, etc...I am not happy about my divorce.
I've noticed some people tend to let the negative outweigh the positive and at the end of the day, they look at everything as though it is failing, when in actuality it may not be.
It bothers me that I have not seen my EH in almost 3 months and that we have not really talked, not how I would like to. I even sent him a text yesterday and left a message asking to talk about all that has happened. And I have yet to receive a response, which is rude and disrespectful. But I can't change him, I can only work on me. And to be honest, he hasn't always been this way. I wish all of you could have known the EH I knew. Because let me tell you, that person was better than I could ever be. Who he is today bares no resemblance to that man.
There are so many songs, moments, pictures, clothes, jewelry, etc. that remind me of him and it's like I'm hit with a flood of images and emotions that I wish I could turn off. But I can't and I'm learning to deal with those moments more positively. I've said before I do not want to be bitter. So when those images and emotions hit, I smile and tell myself "You are so fortunate to have had those memories with someone who was incredible at that time. Love, love, love, continue to love the man he was, the husband he was to you, and the friend he had always been."
I'm not going to lie, sometimes I do feel bitter, angry, and want to throw something. I think it's important to not run from problems, so in no way do I want this to be something I run from. I understand if I do that, than I will be dealing with all of this months from now, maybe years from now. In no way does me choosing happiness and love mean I am escaping from reality. It means every time I have those moments, I allow myself them and then I change my thoughts to positive ones. Happiness and Love are always going to be more productive than Sadness and Hate.
It's not always easy to compartmentalize your life, but start practicing. When you are meditating on the negative, make an effort to change your thoughts to positives. I do promise there is something positive in your life. Even if it's as silly as being able to read a good book or drink hot chocolate...there is always something.
For example, I look at my life and I am incredibly happy and thankful for my two jobs, for the health of my family, for being able to exercise 6 days a week, for my friends, etc...I am not happy about my divorce.
I've noticed some people tend to let the negative outweigh the positive and at the end of the day, they look at everything as though it is failing, when in actuality it may not be.
It bothers me that I have not seen my EH in almost 3 months and that we have not really talked, not how I would like to. I even sent him a text yesterday and left a message asking to talk about all that has happened. And I have yet to receive a response, which is rude and disrespectful. But I can't change him, I can only work on me. And to be honest, he hasn't always been this way. I wish all of you could have known the EH I knew. Because let me tell you, that person was better than I could ever be. Who he is today bares no resemblance to that man.
There are so many songs, moments, pictures, clothes, jewelry, etc. that remind me of him and it's like I'm hit with a flood of images and emotions that I wish I could turn off. But I can't and I'm learning to deal with those moments more positively. I've said before I do not want to be bitter. So when those images and emotions hit, I smile and tell myself "You are so fortunate to have had those memories with someone who was incredible at that time. Love, love, love, continue to love the man he was, the husband he was to you, and the friend he had always been."
I'm not going to lie, sometimes I do feel bitter, angry, and want to throw something. I think it's important to not run from problems, so in no way do I want this to be something I run from. I understand if I do that, than I will be dealing with all of this months from now, maybe years from now. In no way does me choosing happiness and love mean I am escaping from reality. It means every time I have those moments, I allow myself them and then I change my thoughts to positive ones. Happiness and Love are always going to be more productive than Sadness and Hate.
It's not always easy to compartmentalize your life, but start practicing. When you are meditating on the negative, make an effort to change your thoughts to positives. I do promise there is something positive in your life. Even if it's as silly as being able to read a good book or drink hot chocolate...there is always something.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Reminder...
I love days in which I am reminded of how amazing people can be and how precious this life is. And yesterday was such a day.
When I saw these two videos, I knew I had to share with all of you what it was that brought tears to my eyes and appreciation to my life. I am only going to be able to post one video for the time being and the second video, well it has my name in it and since I am trying to protect (for the time being) my EH's identity, I won't be sharing that today.But I will share the story, later on in this blog and if you really want to see the video, I'm sure after reading this blog you'll be able to search for it.
I've mentioned that my mom was in the hospital a little over 4 years ago. And the video I'm sharing below is similar to her story in that she had to start all over like this young gentleman has had to. I find that when I open my eyes and realize I am not the only one going through something difficult, I'm able to sit back and not be so self involved. That isn't to say I don't do that every once in a while, because I do. But this story, and stories like my mom are a great reminder we aren't the only ones. So here is the video that touched me and has inspired me.
I want to make it clear. In no way do I want to diminish what you or I may be going through, because in our lives we are going through something life changing. But it does put it all into perspective that life is fragile...and instead of sitting around crying about my failed marriage, I'd rather spend these moments that I am given smiling and being happy.
That's not to say I don't have my moments of breaking down, but I'm not going to waste the next couple years of my life mourning something I have no control over. I am not going to look back years from now and think to myself I wasted all that time crying, being angry, bitter and upset.
Like I've mentioned in previous posts, I have made some amazing new friends. People who make me laugh, smile, challenge me, and all in all make me strive to be a better person. One of those friends, whom I will call R., has done all of that for me. He definitely has a good soul, and I am lucky to have met him during this time in my life.
When I went to San Diego, I drove with R. and during the drive he played a song, written and sung by his friend. I immediately loved the song as it resonated with me and everything I am going through, and more importantly it's in line with my philosophy of how I want to approach the situation I am in and life in general.
Yesterday I received a text from R. "Check your Facebook." So I got on my computer and logged on to my profile. R. had posted the following, "I know you really like this song so I had him do a lil something for you. Hope you like it : ) " Below was a video and in the video the artist of the song gave a shout out to me but he also wrote an additional verse to the song...
We vow to give our all
When we know we found the one
But even the greatest loves
Never workout just because
We need to learn to smile
When we feel like hope is gone
Cuz even the greyest clouds
Can make way for the sun
Some say another rainbow will find its way
Some day another rainbow will come and stay
Once you get through the rainfall
There's another rainbow
See it all through the grey clouds
There's another rainbow
Thank you Bo Napoleon. Thank you for writing a song that reminds me, reminds all of us, that through all of this rainfall, there will be another rainbow. And for all of you out there going through difficult times, check out Bo Napoleon's Another Rainbow on You Tube.
And thank you R. Thank you for one of the nicest things I have ever had done for me and for reminding me how amazing people can truly be. And even if it may not seem like a big thing to you R. it was a very important and special gift to me. One I will never forget.
When I saw these two videos, I knew I had to share with all of you what it was that brought tears to my eyes and appreciation to my life. I am only going to be able to post one video for the time being and the second video, well it has my name in it and since I am trying to protect (for the time being) my EH's identity, I won't be sharing that today.But I will share the story, later on in this blog and if you really want to see the video, I'm sure after reading this blog you'll be able to search for it.
I've mentioned that my mom was in the hospital a little over 4 years ago. And the video I'm sharing below is similar to her story in that she had to start all over like this young gentleman has had to. I find that when I open my eyes and realize I am not the only one going through something difficult, I'm able to sit back and not be so self involved. That isn't to say I don't do that every once in a while, because I do. But this story, and stories like my mom are a great reminder we aren't the only ones. So here is the video that touched me and has inspired me.
I want to make it clear. In no way do I want to diminish what you or I may be going through, because in our lives we are going through something life changing. But it does put it all into perspective that life is fragile...and instead of sitting around crying about my failed marriage, I'd rather spend these moments that I am given smiling and being happy.
That's not to say I don't have my moments of breaking down, but I'm not going to waste the next couple years of my life mourning something I have no control over. I am not going to look back years from now and think to myself I wasted all that time crying, being angry, bitter and upset.
Like I've mentioned in previous posts, I have made some amazing new friends. People who make me laugh, smile, challenge me, and all in all make me strive to be a better person. One of those friends, whom I will call R., has done all of that for me. He definitely has a good soul, and I am lucky to have met him during this time in my life.
When I went to San Diego, I drove with R. and during the drive he played a song, written and sung by his friend. I immediately loved the song as it resonated with me and everything I am going through, and more importantly it's in line with my philosophy of how I want to approach the situation I am in and life in general.
Yesterday I received a text from R. "Check your Facebook." So I got on my computer and logged on to my profile. R. had posted the following, "I know you really like this song so I had him do a lil something for you. Hope you like it : ) " Below was a video and in the video the artist of the song gave a shout out to me but he also wrote an additional verse to the song...
We vow to give our all
When we know we found the one
But even the greatest loves
Never workout just because
We need to learn to smile
When we feel like hope is gone
Cuz even the greyest clouds
Can make way for the sun
Some say another rainbow will find its way
Some day another rainbow will come and stay
Once you get through the rainfall
There's another rainbow
See it all through the grey clouds
There's another rainbow
Thank you Bo Napoleon. Thank you for writing a song that reminds me, reminds all of us, that through all of this rainfall, there will be another rainbow. And for all of you out there going through difficult times, check out Bo Napoleon's Another Rainbow on You Tube.
And thank you R. Thank you for one of the nicest things I have ever had done for me and for reminding me how amazing people can truly be. And even if it may not seem like a big thing to you R. it was a very important and special gift to me. One I will never forget.
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