Gift To Myself...

I've been wanting to write this post, but wasn't sure when a good time would be.

First of all I was worried I may not stick to the promise I made with myself...secondly I'm not sure how what I am about to write will relate to any of you. Although I must admit most of what I write I question how relevant it is.

In any case, on December 24, 2012, I gave myself a present. For 3 years I weighed myself morning and night. In the beginning I was not attached to a number, I was just curious of what eating healthy and working out would result in. My goal from the very beginning of my weight loss journey, was never to get to a number.

Then something happened along the way, especially when I got thinner and thinner. I became focused on becoming a certain weight, than maintaining that weight.

Problem was, my body was on overdrive...I was stressed and I was burning calories without even trying to. I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight. Every person's dream come true.

Unfortunately, actually fortunately, that stress dissipated and my body was no longer over working itself. And I started gaining weight. Most would say, much needed weight.

Me, I liked the way I looked. I liked the super thin, sick look. I know, I know...not healthy. But I have to be honest, I liked the way I looked and the way I felt. And I LOVED that I could eat what I wanted and not gain weight.

That being said, my body needed something else. It needed a little more fat, and more muscle. And so from February to December I gained 15 lbs. When I got to my thinnest I had lost 54 lbs...but again it was never originally about a number, it was about being healthy and happy.

So when I kept seeing my weight increase from February through December, I decided for Christmas I would gift myself with the present of no longer weighing myself. Of staying true to my goal of just being healthy and happy and loving myself with whatever shape that would transform itself to being.

It hasn't been easy. Actually it's been really difficult. I slipped up once and had a little breakdown. But I didn't continue down a self destructive path...instead I reminded myself of why I eat the way I eat, why I work out the way I do...and I reminded myself of what truly matters to me.

And so I've only slipped up once. And I've stayed true to my promise to myself, my precious gift. And I have not weighed myself since then.

I do eat more than I use to...sometimes I work out only 4-5 days a week. But all in all, I'm happy with the mental progress I have made. Although I'm not perfect.

I find that at time I still criticize my body...am still searching for what I use to have...what I considered perfection. But I'm working on it. I'm not letting it become my goal. I have those thoughts and acknowledge the flaw in that thinking and I move on.

Bear's helping me with it too. When he tells me how beautiful I am, and when I respond with a scoff, he reminds me of how much more positive it is to say thank you in those moments.

He's good at that. Saying thank you, when I compliment him. And there may be times when he doesn't feel like saying it, but he does. I'm working on it. And I can't wait for the day when I say thank you...and actually mean it.

10 Years...

Over the weekend I celebrated my 10 year High School Reunion.

Where has the time gone? 10 years seems a lifetime ago, yet when I was sitting around talking to some classmates I hadn't seen since graduation, I didn't feel like that much time had gone by.

To be honest, I was dreading my reunion. My divorce was just finalized...I'm still getting back on my feet, and I've gained 15 pounds this year. All of these are actually positives, but how do you convey that to someone you haven't seen in 10 years. 

And then, I started talking to my old classmates and all my worries melted away. I realized that the women I was speaking with, well they were all supportive. I went to an all girls Catholic High School. And I truly feel that each and one of us who were there that evening, had grown into amazing young women.

An old classmate of ours posted something on her Facebook about how traumatic HS was for her. How people laughed at her...I think HS, college, life, work, etc. is whatever we make of it. If she could have taken a step back and not played the victim she might have realized in going to the reunion how much everyone has grown.

For me it was a gift being able to see everyone and how happy their lives were. And to share with them just a snippet of what my life has been the past decade.

Finally...

If you noticed the change on my header, you'll know what I'm about to write about.

After one year and 3 months of not knowing the status of my divorce, I finally received confirmation that my divorce has been finalized. And I could not be any happier.

To have this closure, to know I have no more ties to my EH...well it feels like a whole weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

Bear's divorce will be finalized in July...part of me worries what if at the last minute he and his wife reconnect. In my heart I don't believe that will happen, but having just been given the gift of finality with my divorce, I feel that I have completed a process...and I'm not sure if someone going through a divorce can truly feel that way unless they have completed all the necessary steps.

Maybe you can...for me, just knowing that technically my EH was still my husband and not my ex-husband had carried some weight to it. Not a lot...but enough to make me want to have it all finalized so that I could let Bear know that for me, he's the only one.

Needless to say, this has been a wonderful gift. And I am looking forward to this chapter of my life.

So Long...

11 days since my last post. It's amazing sometimes to think that 11 days have come and gone and now I am left with memories.

This last weekend Bear came to visit. He met my family, friends, co-workers...really everyone who is important to me in my life. Of course there were some special people in my life he has yet to meet, but as far as a weekend trip goes, he met quite a few.

I think one of the best moments when in a long distance relationship, are those first hellos. When they come off the plane, and suddenly they are in your arms...yes those are the moments that are truly incredible.

Subsequently, one of the most difficult moments when in a a long distance relationship, are the good-byes.

When I said good-bye to Bear yesterday, I realized how badly I wanted to be able to slow down time. I thought about how quickly the weekend went by and how if maybe I had just stopped for a moment or two, I could have made time go by a little more slowly than it did.

Of course that's not possible, especially when you are having so much fun. But when I see him again, I am going to make an effort to not let the moments fly by...to really breathe deeply and slow myself down. I may not be able to slow time, but I can make myself take a minute or two to appreciate all that is happening with us.

And instead of good-bye...I think I'm going to take a chapter out of my great-grandmother's book and say "So Long," which has less finality to it. That being said...so long Bear...until we meet again.

Allow It...

Change...what does change really mean for your life? For me, it means growth. I know I've said it before, but I think it's worth repeating again. When you are thrown into uncomfortable situations, I believe, you grow. Well...let me reword that. When I am thrown into an uncomfortable situation, I tend to grow as a person.

Especially when the situation is unfamiliar. Whether it's divorce, a shift at work, a new relationship, whatever the situation that I may be faced with, unexpected or expected, there is one thing I can be sure of when facing those moments head on. I will grow. I will learn something new about myself.

And in the end I am left being a stronger, more intuitive, person.

When we remove doubt and fear from the equation, the decisions we make are rooted from a positive space.

I used to doubt the decisions I made that led me to where I am today. I used to think it would have been better if I never dated my EH...if I never married him. And when I expressed this to the therapist I saw right after I was initially told I was being divorced, she told me that in order to stop doubting myself and regretting my past, I would need to start understanding that the decisions I made that led me where I am today were the best decisions I could have made for myself at that moment.

Looking at my past now, I am grateful for everything I have been through. Because my past has led me to where I am today. And I am pretty happy about who and where I am today...and by pretty happy, I really mean I am extremely happy of who and where I am today. 

So for all of you experiencing change in your life...embrace it. Be comforted by the fact that growth is on the horizon, if you allow it to be. 

So Much More...

I love how music can transform and take on a different meaning depending on what your situation is.

During the beginning stages of my divorce process, I would listen to music that I felt I could absolutely relate to, that would bring me to tears.

But those same songs seem to have transformed into something completely different for me now that I am with Bear. It's as if the lyrics I once listened to which brought on so much sadness, well...they now bring hope and love into this life of mine.

For example, I Won't Give Up by Jason Mraz...I use to believe that song was written for me and my EH.

When I listen to it now, I just think of Bear.  With all that the two of us have been through...these words mean so much more.

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, still looking up.

Well, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up