Dear EH,
Today I want to thank you for divorcing me. Not because I think it was the right thing to do, or because I no longer love you, because I do love you, I always will. It's because I am doing things in my life I would never have done before. Like jumping out of a plane.
Today, I went skydiving. For my birthday I wanted to buy myself a present and do something I would never had done had I still been married. Not because you wouldn't let me, but because if anything were to happen, I would not want to leave you behind.
I wanted to do something that terrified me, and something that felt so incredibly freeing. And so I chose to go jump out of a plane with a complete stranger. Trusting in them to land me safely on the ground, with only adrenaline pumping through my veins.
You see the amazing thing about skydiving is that when I was on the plane, I left all my worries behind and started flying. To live in the moment, truly live in the moment and not have any other thought other than "Holy S**t I'm flying in the air, this is incredible" well that is something I had yet to experience in my life up unto this point.
I would never allowed myself to do something like this if I were married to you. And that's ok, but today taught me that I should never allow anyone or anything hold me back.
And to clarify, you didn't hold me back, but being with you I held myself back.
So I thank you. For letting me go and letting me fly, because it's opened me to new experiences. Experiences I will cherish forever.
Love always,
Me
On a side note to my readers...if any of you ever want to go skydiving. Do it!! This was my first time and not the last. Also thank you to my best friend S.G. I wouldn't have wanted to go with anyone else. Sharing this with you was just another great memory to add to our list. Love you <3
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Friday, September 28, 2012
That Should Be Me...
I have this struggle every time I hear someone I know who is pregnant or celebrating an anniversary. I struggle with automatically thinking, that should be me.
It's not that I am not happy for whomever it happens to be having one of those very special moments in their life. It's that I suddenly think of my EH and myself having the same moment. In a "what should have been" occasion.
I know it won't always be this way. But it does hurt to have those feelings. Sometimes I look it as a set back. Other times I think it's just habit, because for 7 years my mind could happily go to those places, to a future I felt was bound to happen.
But those moments are not bound to happen...at least not with my EH. And so my goal right now is to change my initial thought into something else, something more positive. Every day brings a new challenge, one I am ready to take on. This, this is just one of them.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Edward Scissorhands...
This year is all about doing things I have never done before and/or haven't done in a very long time. Whether it be taking the vacation to Canada, going to Boston for a wedding, skydiving, the possibilities were/are endless.
In essence, I am doing things for me. And if something or someone doesn't fit into what I want for my life, I am not wasting my time. Whether that be some drunk guy hitting on me or some guy acting offended because I don't want him (which both happened last week) I am not sacrificing my wants or lowering my standards.
In essence, I am doing things for me. And if something or someone doesn't fit into what I want for my life, I am not wasting my time. Whether that be some drunk guy hitting on me or some guy acting offended because I don't want him (which both happened last week) I am not sacrificing my wants or lowering my standards.
So it was no surprise that I took the opportunity on Saturday to watch a movie in the park with two girlfriends. The evening was so beautiful; the weather perfect. We enjoyed greasy food truck french fries with chimichurri sauce all while watching Edward Scissorhands.
If you haven't seen that film in a while, I would recommend taking a couple hours out of your day to be reacquainted with this wonderful love story. I'm not going to lie, I cried, especially towards the end. I couldn't help but feel sad that I had lost my love story, and that I no longer had my EH showering me with unconditional love. But as the movie ended and the night continued, the sadness gripping my heart slowly melted away.
All I could think about was the beauty of the night sky and the amazing memory I had made by simply going to a movie in a park. And to be honest, I also couldn't stop thinking about the amazing food I ate...
It was just what I needed to end my week.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Planes, Trains & Automobiles...
This last weekend I had the pleasure of traveling to Cambridge, MA to watch one of my dearest friends marry her best friend. The wedding was beautiful. For days we celebrated the happy couple and amazing memories were had by all.
For me, I also had the opportunity to grow. I do not like to travel. Mainly because I am horrible at planning trips and if anything goes wrong with my plane, I am in an immediate state of panic. Simply put I don't do well.
Now you may all be thinking, "didn't you just on vacation to Canada?" Yes, I did, but that my friends was a completely different experience. Private plane rides, car rides already scheduled, and a lake house with nowhere I had to be.
Instead this weekend, I was flying with United and on my first flight, the plane was delayed which would have been ok if my connecting flight hadn't left without me. And if my connecting flight hadn't left without me, I wouldn't have had to fly to Newark, then finally Boston.
Once I landed in Boston, I had to get my rental car, because I booked a hotel 9 miles away from where the wedding was. Where I live, 9 miles is nothing, but in Cambridge 9 miles is a completely different story. So the money that I saved booking an economical hotel outside Cambridge went towards renting a car for the weekend. Which in retrospect, I ended up spending the same amount of money if I had just booked a hotel in Cambridge.
Nonetheless, I was stuck with the hotel and had to rent a car, which meant I had to learn to navigate my way from Boston to Cambridge to Burlington and back again. And surprisingly enough, I did just fine. I was actually pretty good at it. I may have taken a wrong turn once or twice, but all in all I navigated my way around the new cities just fine. And I enjoyed it. I took pleasure in the time I had to myself to explore and to be by myself.
It was something I was not used to. At the hotel, in my car rides, walking around Cambridge, I was by myself and I loved it. I didn't think I would but I did and I believe that everything that weekend happened for a reason, if not only to see my friend marry, but also to realize the strength I have to be on my own.
My flight back...well the first flight was right on time...my connecting flight was 3 hours late, which would have been ok had I not already had a 2 1/2 hour layover. I did make it home and the whole experience reminded me of one of my EH's favorite movies Planes, Trains & Automobiles.
There are so many stories in between, all of which will come out with the time, but I had to share with all of you what I felt was my biggest lesson, the fact that I made my way around places unknown and took on each challenge as they came my way : )
For me, I also had the opportunity to grow. I do not like to travel. Mainly because I am horrible at planning trips and if anything goes wrong with my plane, I am in an immediate state of panic. Simply put I don't do well.
Now you may all be thinking, "didn't you just on vacation to Canada?" Yes, I did, but that my friends was a completely different experience. Private plane rides, car rides already scheduled, and a lake house with nowhere I had to be.
Instead this weekend, I was flying with United and on my first flight, the plane was delayed which would have been ok if my connecting flight hadn't left without me. And if my connecting flight hadn't left without me, I wouldn't have had to fly to Newark, then finally Boston.
Once I landed in Boston, I had to get my rental car, because I booked a hotel 9 miles away from where the wedding was. Where I live, 9 miles is nothing, but in Cambridge 9 miles is a completely different story. So the money that I saved booking an economical hotel outside Cambridge went towards renting a car for the weekend. Which in retrospect, I ended up spending the same amount of money if I had just booked a hotel in Cambridge.
Nonetheless, I was stuck with the hotel and had to rent a car, which meant I had to learn to navigate my way from Boston to Cambridge to Burlington and back again. And surprisingly enough, I did just fine. I was actually pretty good at it. I may have taken a wrong turn once or twice, but all in all I navigated my way around the new cities just fine. And I enjoyed it. I took pleasure in the time I had to myself to explore and to be by myself.
It was something I was not used to. At the hotel, in my car rides, walking around Cambridge, I was by myself and I loved it. I didn't think I would but I did and I believe that everything that weekend happened for a reason, if not only to see my friend marry, but also to realize the strength I have to be on my own.
My flight back...well the first flight was right on time...my connecting flight was 3 hours late, which would have been ok had I not already had a 2 1/2 hour layover. I did make it home and the whole experience reminded me of one of my EH's favorite movies Planes, Trains & Automobiles.
There are so many stories in between, all of which will come out with the time, but I had to share with all of you what I felt was my biggest lesson, the fact that I made my way around places unknown and took on each challenge as they came my way : )
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
When it rains, it pours...
One of the biggest challenges I have been facing this week is going from two incomes to one. And really this has been an adjustment over the months, but this week has really been one of the more difficult times. It's true what "they" say "when it rains, it pours."
For my birthday, I bought myself two presents. First, I am going to be celebrating turning 28 by skydiving, more on that later. Second, I traded in the car that embodied my EH and bought myself a brand spanking new white Beetle. She pretty much looks like me and definitely seems to be ready to go on an adventure.
Unfortunately, I bought her before I found out I needed a root canal and other dental procedures done. I'm very lucky that my insurance covers a portion of the work, however, I still am running at about $1500 for everything to be completed.
Normally this would be a shared financial responsibility, but here I am by myself, having had two weeks off for a vacation and having just bought a car. I wouldn't take back either, but it does put a strain on my bank account and has caused a severe amount of stress.
On top of that my girlfriend is getting married this weekend in Boston, and there is no way I am going to miss that. But with that comes a plane ticket, a hotel, and because I am so incredibly clueless I booked a hotel too far away from the venue to use public transportation, which means I am now renting a car.
And let's not forget the daily expenses and bills that seem to always get in the way. Needless to say, I was hit with a reminder that I am all alone in this. I don't have my EH to help support me. And the comfort in knowing that someone else was there to pick up where I am unable to, is no longer there.
I am fortunate that my parents are willing to help me, and I have learned a great lesson in humility in having to go to them for financial aid. But at the end of the day, I want to feel that independence again from them, with the knowledge that my other half is there for me to depend on.
It seems contradictory to say that, but depending on my EH felt much more comfortable and natural than depending on my parents.
I'm pretty sure all of this is what led to me breaking down when trying to get my niece ready for ballet class. She didn't want to go and started crying...I started crying and told her I couldn't deal with life. She asked me if I needed the dogs to make me smile again. In the end she went to ballet and I definitely had a smile on my face.
For my birthday, I bought myself two presents. First, I am going to be celebrating turning 28 by skydiving, more on that later. Second, I traded in the car that embodied my EH and bought myself a brand spanking new white Beetle. She pretty much looks like me and definitely seems to be ready to go on an adventure.
Unfortunately, I bought her before I found out I needed a root canal and other dental procedures done. I'm very lucky that my insurance covers a portion of the work, however, I still am running at about $1500 for everything to be completed.
Normally this would be a shared financial responsibility, but here I am by myself, having had two weeks off for a vacation and having just bought a car. I wouldn't take back either, but it does put a strain on my bank account and has caused a severe amount of stress.
On top of that my girlfriend is getting married this weekend in Boston, and there is no way I am going to miss that. But with that comes a plane ticket, a hotel, and because I am so incredibly clueless I booked a hotel too far away from the venue to use public transportation, which means I am now renting a car.
And let's not forget the daily expenses and bills that seem to always get in the way. Needless to say, I was hit with a reminder that I am all alone in this. I don't have my EH to help support me. And the comfort in knowing that someone else was there to pick up where I am unable to, is no longer there.
I am fortunate that my parents are willing to help me, and I have learned a great lesson in humility in having to go to them for financial aid. But at the end of the day, I want to feel that independence again from them, with the knowledge that my other half is there for me to depend on.
It seems contradictory to say that, but depending on my EH felt much more comfortable and natural than depending on my parents.
I'm pretty sure all of this is what led to me breaking down when trying to get my niece ready for ballet class. She didn't want to go and started crying...I started crying and told her I couldn't deal with life. She asked me if I needed the dogs to make me smile again. In the end she went to ballet and I definitely had a smile on my face.
Monday, September 3, 2012
Happy Birthday...
Well today is my birthday. I am no longer 27 and almost divorced, I'm 28 and have signed the divorce papers, pretty much divorced now.
I want to start off by saying how grateful I am for my family and friends for the love they have shown me today. I am so thankful and blessed to have each and every one in my life.
It doesn't take away from the fact, however, that my EH couldn't even send me a Happy Birthday message. I didn't expect it, but I can't help but feel the sting of knowing that either he (a) didn't remember my birthday or (b) remembered my birthday but couldn't bring himself to wish his once best friend/wife a Happy Birthday. Whatever the reason, it's a shame that he can't be civil and treat me as any person deserves to be treated.
I guess in the end it's my birthday and I can cry if I want to...but I'd rather eat gluten free vegan cake and be happy.
I want to start off by saying how grateful I am for my family and friends for the love they have shown me today. I am so thankful and blessed to have each and every one in my life.
It doesn't take away from the fact, however, that my EH couldn't even send me a Happy Birthday message. I didn't expect it, but I can't help but feel the sting of knowing that either he (a) didn't remember my birthday or (b) remembered my birthday but couldn't bring himself to wish his once best friend/wife a Happy Birthday. Whatever the reason, it's a shame that he can't be civil and treat me as any person deserves to be treated.
I guess in the end it's my birthday and I can cry if I want to...but I'd rather eat gluten free vegan cake and be happy.
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