Alabama Shakes...

So I've had this blog sitting here and every time I go to write in it, I find myself taking out a pen and paper and writing letters. There is something about writing to someone that feels much more personal. For now, that is.

I never had a pen pal growing up, and now I find Bear's 99 year-old grandma my pen pal.

My last letter to her, I talked to her about choosing happiness and the ways in which I have been practicing that over the past few weeks.

Let's start with the concert I went to by myself in Las Vegas...if there is anything I would like all of you to do once in your life is go to a concert by yourself.

I went to see Alabama Shakes. A band that Bear had introduced me to.

I fell in love with their sound from the moment Bear played their music and so when I saw they were playing in Vegas, I felt it was my opportunity. My opportunity to do something that would make me smile.

And so I went and there I was, alone in a sea of people, feeling so many emotions, that left me with just one by the end of the night. Complete happiness.

It was everything I needed in that moment of time in my life. Everything I could have hoped for. And so if I have one recommendation, it would be for all of you to experience the same. Go to a concert by yourself, take you on a date, and have the time of your life.

Washington, Denmark, and Ireland...Oh My!

My last post I was on my way to Washington, Denmark and Ireland. And just as I suspected, it was incredible. Not only did we get time with Bear's family, we also had time to ourselves.

If I could go back and do it all over again I would.


The moments Bear and I shared, will be some that I will never forget. We made sure to experience everything...we ate all we could, we saw all we could, and we laughed through it all.

I took as many pictures and video as possible and hope to have my Brother in Law make it into a short film, so that I can always go back in time and experience that trip all over again.

Off We Go...

And it's off we go!!

To Washington, Denmark and Ireland that is.

Bear and I have been planning a vacation where we get to see his family and spend time with just the two of us.

We've needed this. Time to ourselves. And after months of planning and saving, it's finally here.

I've been hesitant to do a countdown, knowing that I need to be present at work, but in 3.5 hours I get to let my mind be free and just enjoy every moment I can with Bear.

And to top it all off, his sister just had her first child, today. So our first stop we get to celebrate her new family.

It's going to be incredible. 

Stuck...

A month has come and gone...

I don't know what it is but every day I think about what it is I want to share with all of you and then I realize I'm a little stuck.

Even now as I stare at the keyboard I don't know what to write or say. So much has gone on, but I almost feel all these amazing, wonderful things are happening to the people I love, and yet my life isn't quite moving forward in the direction that I want it to.

I'm not even sure what that direction is, but I know I'm not heading there right now.  I keep putting one foot in front of the other, still working on goals...but I feel stagnant.

I'm working hard, preparing for my big trip to Denmark and Ireland...oh yes it's happening in November.

So I don't know why I feel stuck or stagnant, when so much is happening in my life. But I do.

I'm looking forward to my vacation with Bear, as I think it will help clear my mind and I will be able to refocus on what it is I want/need right now.

Learning To Love...

I'm learning to love the new me.

The healthy, strong, muscular me.

I'm learning to let go of the thin me. The me that came to be because of stress and a divorce.

When I look at pictures of myself during that time, I tend to not think of how much pain I was in. All I see is a beautiful thin person.

I don't look at the pain in her eyes, her broken heart, or constant self criticism of how she failed in her marriage. Instead I look at her skinny arms, no hips, small legs, and flat chest and think, "To be her again."

But what that would mean... well it would mean taking away my happiness.

When I started gaining weight and muscle and filling out, I was angry at myself. I didn't understand why it was happening. My caloric intake hadn't changed. So what was I doing wrong?

And it hit me. Nothing. I am doing nothing wrong. In fact I am doing more right than wrong these days.

I am eating...for the most part...healthy. I am working out. And I am happy.

I'm no longer a stress ball dealing with a broken heart. My body isn't breaking down because of a broken heart.

My body is now healing itself, just as my heart did. And I am learning to love the new me. Not every day is perfect. I still look at the old me and think how nice it would be. But then I remember to be her again...well to be her again would mean I haven't achieved the happiness and balance in my life that I have achieved.

Am I Making It Count?...

5 times I sat down to write about what was going on in my life. And each time I ended up walking away from the computer unable to write was I was feeling.

This last month was a whirlwind, mostly consumed with closing down the project I had been working on all Summer.

Couple that with balancing a relationship with Bear, my family and friends, and I just felt overwhelmed by everything I was feeling. 

And to top it off, I turned 30 yesterday.

It's not that 30 is old. But when I was in my 20s I felt I had all the time in the world to start a family. I wasn't even actually in a rush to get married, that is something EH wanted more than me. When I was in my 20s, I would often think, "Oh I've got 10-15 years before I need to start thinking about that."

When you turn 30 that 10-15 years is now just a mere 5 years. A lot can happen in 5 years, but a lot can not happen in 5 years.

I didn't always make the most out of my 20s, and what I know now is that I need to make every moment, every day count.  At the end of each day I keep wondering if I am really doing that.

And I don't know that I am. But I will continue to try.

Home...

A follow up to my last post. The time I was able to spend with Bear and his family was incredible. I love seeing Bear happy, and since we don't get to spend as much time as we would like with his family, I knew this time would be important to him and to me.

The week, which began with a wedding followed by a baby shower, was full of stories, going through childhood memorabilia, playing games, drinking, eating, and last but not least constant laughter and smiling. In short it was perfect.

Coming home was just as special. I don't know when the change occurred, but at some point our apartment has become our home. The small space Bear and I rent, is now full of love and beautiful memories. I know this is just a pit stop until Bear and I find something permanent, and that wherever we go, as long as we are together, we will be home.